UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
One step, truly you dont want to be here in summer, its WAY too hot. I much prefer the cooler weather. By mid march it eases off a bit, and by May, its starting to get cool. Im off to scotland in may for 3 weeks, to meet up with some old girlfriends from my school days,{A LONG time ago!} Im really looking forward to it. Now that Im not constantly having to bale out my spath daughter, Im much better off financially. getting selfish in my old age! Well, not really, I help out an African waiter from zimbabwe each month,, and I also havea sponsored child in the Phillipines, but Im still WAY better off without my daughter in every way, mentally, emotionally and financially. Really whats to miss? She only ever rang me when she wanted money, its so rude.never just to say, “How are you, Mum?”Lots of love, dear, MamaGem.XX
gem, i was in central america jan to april one year, not so long ago. never new one could sweat from the inner elbows. i was right on the water, and is was magnificent. i think about it all the time. as long i am am somewhere i can swim, i could probably deal with it.
i can’t deal with cold very well anymore. i’d love the opportunity to deal with heat. but as global warming ramps up, it’s probably gonna get a lot hotter south of the equator.
Witsend:
I was so emotional when I got that letter and took alot of what she said negatively. AFter soaking in what you and Ox have said about the difficulties of denial, I understand a little more and I will take her apology for what it is…an apology with an acknowledgement that her son has hurt me.
She’s not able to be the person I need right now, as she is his mom and always will be. If this is as much as she can give me then I understand and Ill take it.
Thank you
Rbabe,
Something I learned along the way is that the person I needed to turn to to comfort me and heal me and validate me – was myself.
After wanting him to know all that I knew about him and after wanting the world to know all about him …it didnt seem to really help me…it only temporarily made me feel good.
Address the letter you wrote to his mom, to yourself. Read the letter as if it was written to YOU. Where you referred to him as her son… change that to “your ex-boyfriend” — sometimes we just need to read the words right in front of us in a different light. To be able to process the truth and the reality. We know the truth and the reality — we sometimes just cant fully process the impact of it and the meaning of it — is for us to SEE this IS a bad toxic person.
EB was able to see that on her first date this time around. We were not able to see that they were toxic and that its in our best interest to move on – because we got caught in the mental games.
I often wonder how I could walk away from others in my life, say sorry this isnt working out, and NOT MISS A BEAT, but with my toxic ex I wasnt able to just SEE HIM FOR WHAT HE WAS WORTH – NOTHINGNESS. And just process it and continue on. There is something so devasting and deeply emotionally charged about being used and manipulated. But why do we have such a hard time processing that and moving on? Why could we move on from others in our past but not these Assholes? I know its a process and its a time to take stock of our choices and why we did this or that… but seriously it irks me that I WAS SO STUCK ON THE WHOLE DEMISE OF SOMETHING THAT WAS FAKE AND BS AND TOXIC TO BEGIN WITH.
It struck me so, when Donna wrote that 9 days after she gave up on trying to collect the money her ex stole – her life started going forward – she met someone and chose to move forward.
I think ultimately it comes down to our own individual selves being the person we need to get us through this. I know its a process, we have to go through all of the stages and phases…but ultimately it is ourselves who have to give us the understanding and love and validation that we were with a toxic person — it was horrible a living nightmare– but we are ok and we are going to be ok.. we have to separate ourselves from the situation we were in — and move on as our own entity again – separate from them – who they are – who they always will be. And focus on what we want and need and how we will protect ourselves or share ourselves with other toxic and healthy people in the world.
We set ourselves free when we are ready. The question I have for us, is what the heck are we waiting for?????? xoxox Life is too short – we have to turn to ourselves when we are ready and acknowledge we had a god awful experience — but there are many more life experiences waiting for us to embrace. This was just one of many experiences in life… lets not stay stuck focusing on them… this is our life.. xoxo
Dear R-Babe, she had ” acknowledged YOUR value” in the past before the break up, and it sounds to me that you wanted her to validate that YOU were right and her son wrong, actually, I think she did that, but just told you that she couldn’t continue to be your confidente (or whowever that is spelled) so for what it’s worth, I think she DOES value you, and wish you had made it with Sonny-boy.
I think it is very natural for people we think value us to VALIDATE our pain, hurt and that our “cause is just” and many times we do not get that and it is like someone spit in our eye or pithed in our faces. It is DEMEANING in the worst way because we care about that person’s opinion—the more we care, the more that devaluation hurt.
I don’t think that his mom “devalued” you, she just set a boundary and I understand I think why she came down on “his” side of the line, even though she knew he was wrong, she is his mother and she keeps hoping next time he won’t be a “bad boy.” Her hope will probably spring eternal.l Or as we say down south when it is a lost cause , “Well, blesssss her heart.”
oxy – i chuckled at your: well, blessss her heart.
i had a friend who used to answer things that she found stupid or irritating with: ‘quite’. no one had any idea what the fuck she was talking about, but they always felt ‘outclassed’ by her.
one of my favourite expressions, (that has nothing to do with others) is the Hungarian phase, ‘under the toad’s ass’, meaning exceptionally blue. Of course it means in the mud, covered in slime and other excrement, with a weight on you. it’s a good one.
I have a friend who when someone tells him something he doesn’t swallow he sais “Well.” Just FLAT. It is soooo funny, and his wife picked it up too after they were married. I knew them both well before they married 10 + years ago. I think the “well” is so cool but I never remember to say it. It is perfect because it doesnn’t challenge it doesn’t agree either, just a comment.
The “well, bless her heart” is what we use down here for an all purpose phrase, like “Boy Susie is acting stupid” the reply is “well, bless her heart” Or “Susie had her tenth child last week” the answer again is “well, bless her heart.”
It fits for just about any occasion. LOL It’s a nice way of saying “Well, I’ll be DAMNED! you don’t say.” It makes gossip and hateful remarks go down with a little bit more ease, it sort of smooths the way.
Yeah, I am SO looking for someone in his family to say to me ‘he really is an ass’ or ‘wow, thats a new one hes done’ or ‘god, you did so much for him and he treated you like that!”, although I do know it wont happen…and as many of you have reiterated to me…HE’S HER SON! Of course she will be on his ‘side’-possibly though not because she believes in his ‘goodness’ as much as her loyalty always goes there…just like my parents.
She did and has acknowledged in the past his ‘evil ways’ although I never understood her superficialness or her unwillingness to connect with me. Was it that she was scared that I may be a good person, get hurt, and then when he ultimately fucks things up, she loses out also? Or was it another one of those games of ‘this broad isnt good enough for my son” (with 9 years of college, a masters, type 73 and a license)?
Im feeling heartbroken today. Some days I feel very strong, but today, even after it being 13 weeks of NC, I have moments of absolute crumbling.
R- babe,
In the begining, validation is SO important. I truley believe this.
But you have to go to the right sources to get it. His family is NOT the right source to get this.
Come here, because chances are that even your friends don’t know what your “really” going through. Unless you are lucky enough to know someone that has had an encounter with an S/P/N themselves.
If you go to the “wrong places” to get the validation that you need, (and don’t get it) it actually makes everything you are going through MORE painful.
Try to start to seperate his disorder from yourself on the taking it “personal” level…… Try to wrap your brain around the fact that he (the disorder) would have done this same thing to any “woman” in your place. Not just to you personally, but anyone in your position. Try to de-personalize it if you can a little bit.
Kind of similar what they try and teach in Alon.
Witsend:
There is so much truth in what you say about him doing this to anyone…its NOT just me, I do know this. The part that is so hurtful is that he was able to keep himself together for a short time, and then a long line of choices were made by him, as if I meant nothing…and clearly neither did everything we talked about!
Its like there was that honeymoon phase of a year and a half or so, when things were gettign serious, and he fucked it up on purpose…well, actually he didnt PLAN on getting caught. He showed me right there who he was in the relationship for..himself. I was able to supply him with ALOT of things, which is what kept him coming back…every weekend with his kid. But, that immature, selfish piece of him that needed his ego boosted couldnt stay contained. In that sense, I guess I wasnt ‘enough’, although, I also know NO ONE will ever be enough…and this is where the game starts. There WAS alot to lose with me and my family…alot of perks he was getting by being with me (thats where the using comes in). So, he began his ‘game’ (nothing of which is very high in skill might I add) and in order to continue playing, he manipulated at every corner. He also manipulated though our interactions…different from when we first started in that he didnt know what MY skill level was yet. Once he found out, it was on!
I was in love with him, and although he needed reassurance allllll theeeeee timeeeeeee, he knew on some level my heart and he used it aginst me. By the time his lies had gotten so big and the deception he created started to be uncovered, he had to work a little harder at convincing me and my family of this great guy he was. When he was questioned a bit, he became angry, and aggressive and this is where him packign his shit and leaving when confronted came into play, or him ignoring me. It wasnt ‘worth it’ to throw in the towel, but instead, he made me pay for questioning him or telling him no. Who did I think I was…if HE said something, then it was TRUE!
His mom is in alot of pain herself, otherwise she would be able to connect…but she cant and isnt willing to. Either he or she once told me ‘(she’s/I/m) afraid to get to close cause every time (she/I) do, it doesnt work out. I think it was him that told me that…but now that I think about it, I bet it was just to quiet me from complaining about how detached she was from me.