UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
shabbychic2
Allison: yes, that is very good advice, I try not to take it personally, I am trying to figure out why I did what I did, but the money, I’m still taking that personally, I want it back!
been-a-year-now
I have reached the point where I don’t take it personally for myself, but the evil person I had arrested last year is threatening my family, but so quietly that only I know its happening..nothing to take to the police or my lawyer but my suspicions….the commonwealth’s attorney is tired of hearing from me and won’t take my calls anymore.
I can’t protect my college aged kids…..that is so fear inducing……so I take this very personally for my kids and I don’t know if the threats are hollow or real. This is so hard.
eyeswideshut
Dear Been a year, Your post sent chills down my spine.
Are your college aged kids aware of the danger they might be in?
The threats could be either real or hollow, but it is alsways wise to keep in mind the P trait of “dangerous disregard for the safety of self or others”.
It is hard not to feel paranoid, and yet good sense tells us that they are dangerous and unpredicatable.
Please keep us posted, and I will be hoping that your P has moved on and that you and your children are safe.
Peace
Spanky
Hi All: I’m new to the blog. I’ve been reading for a few months but just joined today. You all have such great advice. Meg, there is no person who is worth your life. To end your life because of what your Psycho has done to you only gives him another “win.” God gave us all free will and won’t override our free will. God is not to blame for what my P chose to do but he has been there for me through it all. My P is moving on to his 4th wife. (he’s 66, she is 46 wth 6 kids). He lied to me about the first 2 wives/divorces, of course it was all their fault! And stupid me…I believed him. Mine is a long, and messy story too. This website is such a help. Thank you all
Spanky
sabine
Akitameg and Lifevest user,
You are not alone. I think many people have felt that life was just not worth the effort anymore at some point. I know I have. But each time I ride the wave I am SO glad I did! There’s always that “Wow if I was not here today I would’ve missed THIS” – you know? Also your resiliency can be strengthened by these tough times. We are all learning from each other what NOT to do, who to avoid, and how to attract what we need and desire in life.
I have to say I feel your pain. I think I cried for four months straight at some point EVERY day. And I am not one to shed tears lightly. I feel deeply but always have a hard time letting the emotions come through. I am still so saddendd at the thought of HIM, missing who I thought he was, what I thought we’d be, where I thought my life would go.
It’s hard because I DO take it personally. After all, he scanned the crowd and chose ME as his victim right? He was my acupuncturist, a health care practitioner that I was supposed to trust. So now I have lessened faith in Acupuncture and the whole world of natural medicine….of which I am a huge believer in. Now I fear that that whole world is tainted with sociopaths who will use being a ‘doctor/acupuncturist etc. as their disguise. I told him EVERYTHING about me, and he just used it against me. He led me to beleive he was a counsellor, then my best friend, then…well you know how it goes.
But anyway, I can see why it shakes your faith in God as well. I struggle with that too but maybe God placed these people in our path so we could teach them that it’s NOT OK! That way we are maybe helping many others behind us avoid such exploitation and pain.
been-a-year-now
Sabine,
I met the crazy through yoga, which is a huge spiritual outlet for me. I too felt trusting enough through this connectioin to open up and share stuff you usually don’t.
Then for someone to take you and hit you where your soul lives, man, does it get any lower? Not much….
been-a-year-now
Eyes wide shut,
The kids do know about the threat, but like all 18-20 year olds, they think they are invincible, and that their parents are too, you know?
Having never walked down this path before, I struggle with how to deal……I imagine myself hiding in the closet or under their beds, keeping them safe, when I am especially worried….
I do not want to spend the rest of my life in jail, so when my mind goes to that dark place I realize he wins, what a mess.
gogettergirl
I know you’re right about not taking it personally, but sometimes its hard not to. People believe the lies they tell and the Sociopath I knew was very charismatic. It still hurts sometimes when I think about it.
In that way, I’ll never feel safe, because I still walk among those I knew. I fear most what I don’t know about and its been 10 years.
learnthelesson
Dear Been-a-year,
Not sure what you mean when you say he is threatening your family in ways that only you know… so quietly? How is he gaining access to make you aware of his threats?? Is he writing or calling you or showing up?? Def take precautions…If you can save information – ways in which he is getting threats to you… and can prove it…you can get a restraining order… you can change your number…NEVER MENTIONING ANY OF IT TO HIM NONE OF IT. JUST DO IT, OPERATE QUIETLY. NO CONTACT.
There isnt a whole lot we can do. Until they mess up by making contact. You may want to tell your kids you take the threat very seriously, maybe sit them down and explain that they need to be aware that this person is not well and while you think nothing will come of it, you want to be sure they do not see themselves as invincible – because nobody is! Reassure them, but also let them know its best to be prepared and knowledgable that unhealthy people exist and we need to be aware of that always. Not just with this guy.
Hopefully he will fade away…find another victim…try to keep your mind positive and strong. Dont let him win. Im glad you are here. You will find alot of support and advice from LF. Its a safe healing place! God bless…
James
Welcome Spanky