UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
I don’t have much of an interest in sociopaths that much. I was diagnosed with AsPD, and I wanted to read what was being said about them. I have been aware of what “type” of person I was for a long time, I just didn’t know there was a name for it.
I was diagnosed recently, and it kind of pisses me off that I was labeled. And you are right, it does seem common for the sociopath to say, “I am not a bad person.” I actually believe I am not a bad person, but I am far from “good”. Unlike an earlier poster, Sabrina, I am not here for pity. I am not here to talk about how I am victimized, I am here to try and understand the destruction sociopaths seem to cause. I know they do, because I have. But unlike most, I wasn’t aware that what I was doing was that hurtful. I have an opposite story. I actually cared about someone, and lost them. It’s truly hard to explain, as most here are victims, and won’t even want to bother with others such as myself. I guess, if anything, I wanted to speak to those about sociopaths from a sociopath’s pov. I’m not emotionally invested in much of anything said here, but I do want to offer a logical pov to what is going on. I do agree that sociopaths go after others such as themselves. I detest them just as much as you guys do.
Just relate me to the vampire that wants to rid of other vampires.
If I failed at answering a part of your questions, let me know.
Now is the time for me to make me exit for the evening-much packing to finish for Saturday’s move.
Sky, BTW I answered you about moving the rocks in your garden on another thread. You aren’t alone! It has been a gardening type day.
Ox
They Dehumanizing themselves.
We are only going along with what They believe
Well I suppose we each have our own views. It certainly doesn’t bother me that someone who has been victimized by a sociopath would call a sociopath “sub-human” because really, they have every right to. It depends on what your “definition” of a human is. I guess there are a bit of emotional connotations embedded in the word, which may make it touchy. If you consider a “human” someone who can feel compassion for his fellow brother/sister, then certainly sociopaths are not human. If, in fact you consider a human being someone with opposable thumbs, skin, blood, and a brain, then yes, you’d categorize a sociopath as a “human” or a “homo-sapien” if you will, of the family Hominidae, of the Order : Primates. It really is just semantics, if you get down to it. It’s more of a figure of speech if anything, and personally, i feel it is a justified figure of speech.
And let’s consider, what the root word of the word “Humane” is, and if we “go from there”… well then on that note they certainly aren’t human.
To quote Marg Helgenberger from CSI ( I know, lame lol ) : “I’m going to save my sympathy for those who deserve it.”
A side note :
Main Entry: hu·mane
Pronunciation: hyü-‘mAn, yü-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English humain
1 : marked by compassion, sympathy, or consideration for humans or animals
Thank you Oxy D, well said *claps*.
sky – i don’t always jump in – i was working today and it was a heavy one – i don’t want to garden today, so i gave it a pass. you can always stand back, when the lifting feels to heavy, there are no rules. xx
oxy – human, but evil.
For the record, I don’t think they’re human. That’s my view. Not gonna change anytime soon.
Just as you’re not a “mother” if you don’t MOTHER ( verb )
Just as you’re not a “father” if you don’t FATHER ( verb )
Sure the kid was conceived from your sperm and your egg, but nothing more than that.
Dancing Nancies:
Well constructed point. In the case of humans, I tend to take almost everything literal, so when you characterize an obvious human as everything but, it confused me. In the case of what “human” is said to be in the dictionary (this is where you got the definition correct), I would have to humbly agree that sociopaths are technically NOT considered human.
The CSI quote was cute. Made me smile.