How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Leaving a sociopathUPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.

I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.

Simple, effective advice

Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.

Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.

Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.

We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.

As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.

Opportunity for healing

Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.

Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud

This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.

We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.

So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.

But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.

Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S

Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Ox Drover

    Dear Dancingnancies,

    I agree with you as well…human, humane, conscience etc.

    What is the difference between humans and the great apes? we share like 98% of the same DNA (can’t remember the exact %, CRS)?

    I also observe about opinions of “what is right” and what is “wrong?” What is good and what is bad? I think it is BAD to strap a bomb on and walk into a crowd of children and blow myself up. I think it is EVIL. Other people would say it is “good” because those people that were blown up were Jews/Muslims/black/brown/red/white/Hindu/Christian and deserved to die.

    Is it okay to torture and “waterboard” these prisoners because they and their allies have cut off Mr. Pearl’s head on video? Does that make them less human? More open to being tortured?

    I dont’ have all the answers, hell I don’t have all the QUESTIONS…but when we start branding people as “sub-human” I think we detract from our own humanity.

    If a wolf bites me or a cougar attacks me, they are not “responsible” because they are animals and they are doing what ANIMALS do, when my son tried to kill me, he KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS WRONG, and he did it anyway…how much more “HUMAN” CAN YOU GET THAN THAT?

    Even Eve in the Garden of Eden didn’t fully, I think, become “human” until she knew the difference between good and evil. Psychopaths know that difference, they just don’t care. Whatever the cultural rules are they want to break them.

  6. ErinBrock

    Skylar…..while you were moving rocks today, I was over to the left picking the tomatoes……you were not alone…..it may have felt that way, the gardening outfit I wore blended in with the landscaping.

  7. Hollowaters

    Lol, okay?

    I wasn’t trying to fool anyone or else I would have stayed silent, and made up victimization stories. Instead I told you what my intentions were, and I am trying to relate. What’s wrong with that?

    I won’t ever embrace that label because that label doesn’t define me. That label isn’t who I am. No two people are the same.

  9. Hollowaters

    Hollow waters was just a dramatic name I chose for myself, it amused me because it was ironic, contradicting. Again, I am not hiding much. I thought I was pretty obvious from the get go. I did mean the genuine hi. There is no point in hiding, it won’t help me, and it sure as hell won’t help you (as well as help others).

    I may never relate, this is true. But I can understand, as well as give some information from personal experience, should anyone want it. So far Donna has pretty much everything on point from the “victims” pov.

    Contrary to what you may believe, my mind does work the same way a “healthy” person’s mind does, perhaps even, in some situations, better.

    Good luck to you Erin B.

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