UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
I missed part of that conversation last night with Hollowaters….good pick up you guys….I was being waaaay too nice and giving the benefit of the doubt. I also missed where he/she admitted the diagnosis of ASPD. I think I was posting over at the time was why I didn’t see it.
Just went back over the entire conversations back to the oldest recent one…and I am still thinking about my therapist friend’s and my conversation about the “humanity” of psychopaths vs. non psychopaths. Since psychopathy isn’t’ an either/or thing, but more a “sliding scale” sort of traits—at what POINT along that scale does a human lose their humanity and become a psychopath? (the short/tall, skinny/fat, big/little?? sort of thing) If there are only humans and non-humans,, how many “bad acts” does a psychopath have to do to lose their status of human?
Was my son born human and then gave it up and quit being human when he started acting out? I think this is down into a PHILOSOPHY DISCUSSION more than a biological one at this point and there is no right or wrong answer, and I’m not trying to say my “answer” or my friend’s “answer” are the right ones, just food for thought.
One of the things I do think though, is that the psychopath has difficulty seeing us as VALUABLE except as prey or as a possession for their benefit…sort of like I see a cow as a possession or as prey for my freezer and dinner table—without guilt on my part at all. EB prefers to not personally know her prey she says, and buys it a piece at at time (LOL and that’s okay too, I actually prefer to know what mine died of! LOL).
I’m right proud of you guys though for picking up on Hollowaters, and BTW I like that name, a good one. Also keep in mind that an ASPD isn’t always the same as a diagnosis of “psychopathy” or a “high level” psychopath at least. Not that I’d want an AsPD for a friend or lover, though.
Sky, Yes, I’ve read Ana’s blog and I agree with some of the stuff she says and other stuff I don’t…but that’s okay, doesn’t mean she’s “wrong” or I’m “right” just that we have different opinions, and that’s okay too. A lot of what we know about psychopaths is scientific fact, (medicine is learning more every year) and some is opinion and some is philosophy so there’s room for a lot of different ways of thinking. The main thing (the “take home lesson”) with it all I think is that we can’t fix’em and NC is the only defense!
My therapist friend has sent me research studies that seem to point to the fact that there might be some treatment for the adult ones…at least to dampen down some of their worst behaviors, and I still don’t believe that they can be “successfully treated” except by incarceration for life if they are violent. He and I agree to disagree on that though.
Kimmie, we posted over each other! BUG SPRAY in the garden, indeed! LOL Is that EB’s WASP spray?
How is your new house coming along? Getting settled in? I’m going to town here in a little while to do some food shopping and buy myself a birthday present! Next year when I turn 65 is when I get my TATTOO. Yep, I am getting a tattoo over my left tit that says NO CPR! So this is the last year I get to buy myself a present. Next year I will have to buy me a tattoo gun (my very own new gun) and some ink and then go get my tattoo done.
Haven’t decided what to get myself, may get me a spiffy pair of new hoop earrings. The pair I have worn for the past ten years the hook on one side is loose and I keep losing it in the bed clothes so sooner or later I will lose it somewhere else and won’t be able to find it, so might as well get me a new pair.
Well, need to go get out of my jammies and get dressed to go to town. You guys have a good day and I’ll see you this evening!
Well happy Birthday, Dear Oxy. You go get those new earrings, you deserve them. Buy yourself a book, too. That’s what you really want.
Well, you asked about my new little house: I noticed the rug in the bathroom was wet last night. Yep, bathroom sink is leaking. This AM, I got up at 4:45, got out of bed to make my coffee, and stepped in a puddle of ice cold water in my kitchen. Both sinks.
I have a flood light that is supposed to be motion sensitive in the back of the house, but suspect it is on 24/7. It’s kind of like the light in a refridgerator. You never know for sure if it goes off. I have 3 locks on the back-door and 2 on the front. The windows are permanantly closed.
There is no light switch for it. Last night I kept peeking out a window at it, to see, and sure enough it was always on.
It’s up pretty high on the side of the house, so will need a ladder to unscrew it. I just don’t see any sense in wasting all that money for the electric bill! Money I don’t have.
Still feeling…hmmm…what IS it? Insecure? Abandonned? Lonely? Bored?
I don’t drive, so getting to a grocery store is a challenge. No washer/dryer, clean clothes are a challenge.
I keep hoping these kinks will iron themselves out, but how long does it take?
It’s been very cold here, by Fl. standards, so apart from my Nannying the Grand babies, I stay home all the time.
I’m afraid I might fall into depression. God, I hope not.
On a lighter note: I walked down-town on Saturday, and caught the Christmas pet parade…retrievers, chiahas, pugs and great danes, bull-dogs, sheepdogs, all kinds of dogs, dressed in antlers and Santa Claus suits…one was in a tu-tu. So cute. Then browsed the farmers market, and saw all kinds of stuff I wanted, but only bought a tomatoe, and a mini pecan pie.
On Sunday, I went to a coiuple of antique stores and found the perfect rug…right style, right colors, everything…for 15 dollars. I rode my bike home, then walked back and carried it. It looks great and is big enough to cover the kitchen foor! My floors are a terra cotta colored ceramic tile and get COLD in the morning, so am really pleased with the rug.
Pinkys eyes look better, and I’m just holding on waiting to get comfortable. Long post. Sorry, but I’m lonely. Thanks for asking Ox, and I hope you have a blessed Birthday.
Hi All
This site is brill…..so helpful. I pop in from time to time and read the comments.
You are right about the physical symptoms, I virtually had a breakdown, lost my job, felt really ill, but did not see why at the time.
The teen porn thing is for the Spaths own sexual gratification, nothing more.
I too am a Christian – they see us as easy prey. But the Lord does not desert us, (unlike the Spath!) keep the connection open and He will give you your answer.
Family – yep they destroy those relationships nearest to you, (isolation) my family got fed up telling me what a waste of space he was and what he was doing. Once I saw it for myself, ( porn on the pute was my epiphany) made a stand and threw him out. The family came round and we healed the wounds he’d caused.
Tears, yep he had those too, but only when his power was ebbing away.
He’s shed no tears for the emotional and financial mess he’s left me in!!
Revenge – thought about it, but what’s the point. It’s like trying to take revenge on a raging river that’s just washed your house away. Serves no purpose and it’s pointless.
How about trying this?
Have an ‘outter body experience’….
Imagine you are a figure on the ceiling looking down, what advice would you give to the person (yourself) standing there in the room taking all this cr*p from the spath?
Listen to your inner self because only you have the power to change things. And you can – believe me.
I’ve moved on, I now have a new job, am surrounded by new positive people who only know what I choose to tell them. My house is up for sale, going to ‘disappear’.
As for a new man……….no way. Don’t need a man cos I’m having a good time, throwing myself into my work and planning for MY future.
Fortunately we did not marry, have children etc which could have complicated things.
So goodbye to the old 2010 and welcome to the new 2011 – it can’t come soon enough!
The ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ is getting so bright it’s almost dazzling me!!
Good luck to you all.
good morning, Ox and happy b-day.
good morning Kim, You said,
“And I’m not adverse to having a discussion with one that is sincere about his motives”but, I don’t trust any of them to be sincere about their motives”
I agree, a spatha-thon can be fun if they admit they are here looking for prey, but this one was really creepy. I think he was here because Seer joined and he was trying to keep Seer away. That’s what made me sick. I think Seer really did want help and now he can’t get it. That was the whole point, I think.
Candy,
You sound great. So glad you have light in your life. And you sound like you can spot a predator or just someone who isn’t good for you. It’s nice to hear a success story. Thanks.
Hi Skylar. How is everything?
Good morning ladies. It’s a brand new day. Looking forward to some more reading. I enjoy the articles written, the group here is quite an insightful bunch.
Skylar, I haven’t “met” you before, but welcome to the club that seemed to have formed yesterday. Why won’t you banter with me? What makes me so different from the others “sociopaths” that you don’t want to ease up and be playful? Honest question. And of course you guys know what I am, I told you.
You know what, let’s not bother with that. The issue was yesterday, this is another day. I have plenty to read, so I might as well start.
Again ladies, good morning XD!
Hi Kimmie:
Call that landlord and have the sinks fixed and the light out back replaced. When those sensors get old, they stay on! I had one of them……on ALL day and night!
The pet parade…..sounds lovely! Holly could have gone as a Charpea the past few days……her face has swollen up like a Charpea…….I think she got bit by a spider, who sat down beside her……maybe eating her curds and whey? 🙂
She’s okay today…..it was a pathetic sight though.
DON”T let yourself go downhill…..you’ve ridden on that path……get involved, get out and divert your mind.
You need to fill up your time you used to spend with your D and Gk’s at their home…..find a meetup.com group…..start a meetup.com knitting group……GET YOUR BUTT OUT!
If we do the same things….we will get the same results.
SHAKE IT UP BABY!!!!
XXOO
EB
Actually, if i’m not mistaken, AsPD, Sociopathy and Psychopathy are interchangeable. There is no “sociopathic personality disorder” or “psychopathic personality disorder” it is AsPD which gives rise to a sociopath, or psychopath ( nouns )
And while there is a “scale” of psychopaths, I don’t think that means any one is less dangerous than the other. The underlying trait is the lack of empathy. Ted Bundy, before having killed all those women, would he have been considered a full blown Psychopath or just an Antisocial Personality? The distinction seems to made FOLLOWING the acts of an extreme nature. I don’t think anyone’s a “little bit of a psychopath” no matter who they are.
Or perhaps it’s something like categorizing parasites… there is a ‘scale’ there too… Naegleria Fowleri (considered somewhat rare- just as serial killers are “rare” )which acts fast and the damage is imminent ( death within 12 days ). Or Tapeworm… the eggs of which can eventually move to your brain and cause death… the tapeworm acts slowly, almost as if you hardly notice it’s there… before it’s too late.
You put a politician who has the same lack of empathy into the political arena and he’s going to provoke the same degree of damage, whether among his associates, by policy or larceny, embezzlement.. ( Bernie Madoff ) his “Focus” is simply different from the serial killer, the pedophile, the wife beater, the rapist, the swindler, the underlying trait is the same: zero empathy. So while there might be a scale, “lower” on the scale ( considering they actually lack empathy and it isn’t a misdiagnosis ) doesn’t mean to me, any less dangerous than someone who for example checks off all boxes on Hare’s Psychopathy Checklist.
Just like they used to call NPD a “less severe form of psychopathy”. Less severe to whom? Show me the victim of the malignant narcissist- are they not the same as the victim of the psychopath? What is entailed by less severe? Oh so you mean to say that they haven’t yet KILLED someone, well I see now. I guess we should all just sit around and wait until they DO so we can then tack the diagnosis onto them.
Any AsPD can commit murder if given the circumstance. They would gladly let someone die if someones’ death meant their gain ( Again i stress, the underlying trait : lack of empathy… PERIOD. ). We just don’t often see sociopaths murder because the circumstances : they gain more by toying around with their prey- getting sex, food, money from them. Why kill them? That would take all the fun out of it. And why risk getting sentenced to jail for a prison sentence when you can just take sly advantage of people, abuse them over a long period of time so if there is any death that occurs, its from suicide from the abuse ( A much more convenient way of killing someone, as your hands are “clean”). Is a poison inoculated by any other means less potent? Whether it is a slow poison, given in small dosages over many years… or QUICK- the LETHAL dose, the LD50 which knocks the person out immediately.