UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
farwronged,
he WILL get what he deserves.
Actually, he is getting it every day of his life. His life is shallow and empty which is why he needs so much stimulation. he is bored almost to death. Soon everyone will know what he is because we are spreading the word. Each person that you bring to this blog, will tell more people and soon, there will be no where for the cockroaches, I mean spaths, to hide. Do this while living in peace.
Skylar.
I respect you, but is that really true? I’m not sure it is with some spaths. The reality is that they do get away with a lot of shit and the reality is that it has to be accepted. Some will be called on the carpet and others will rejoice because they do, but for most of us, there is no justice Sky. There will never be. The closure has to come without any at all…………from within…it is strength that I don’t even know I have right now, but I’m trying…
One of the things I’ve begun to realize is that not all spaths are that predictable. Some do their shit from different angles…Depending on who they are….they ARE “human beings” and therefore have different approaches to their abuse. There are so many variables.
After the ecard from my spath, I decided to let him know that that was a BIG no no (after two months of his not trying to contact), that I didn’t give a fuck anymore and I just wanted him to leave me alone.
Alone without his dramatics is what I need to be. HE WILL RESPECT IT! Know why, sky? Because I offer NOTHING. That’s why.
He got a reaction when I responded to his ecard from mother’s day, but I realized I had to mean it, whatever my response was and I do.
I want him the fuck out of my life. I’m done with this man. I’m so done, I’m beyond done and I know “My spath” so well that if he can’t get anything more than an initial reaction from me, I’m not worth the pot he pisses in. This is a cowardly spath. He’ll give up if there is nothing more to it for him. This is what I missed, despite all of his power plays, but it puts the ball into my corner.
Ya know what, Sky, Claudia?
FUCK HIM. He can have rainbows shooting out of his ass and I wouldn’t want him anymore tomorrow.
I have to fix my life now as a result of the fallout.
I’m not sorry I responded to his ecard. Fuck HIM.
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
What is there to do or say to a passive aggressive, smarmy, cowardly spath. Not all have balls.
While my spaths looked beautiful, they weren’t anything to marvel over.
I’m done with the relationship.
It’s his stupid fucking side swiping ecard that sealed the deal.
I don’t give a shit and I let him know that.
I’m okay with that. No point in being in contact with someone who could ruin it with your new gf/wife, right? Get real
He doesn’t want that.
I frankly don’;t care and want out.
That’s what his contact did for me. Made me want OUT more
I hope I never hear from tjhat stupid fuck again.
ANd for now, I’m going to try to rebuild my life the best I can.
I’ll do it despite him. Completely.
I’m so pissed right now. I apologize if this offends anyone. It’s not meant too.
LL
Good morning everyone. Say a prayer for me today as I am going to pawn some of my belongings in hope of getting some money for gas. Please pray that I can sell my new shotgun so I can pay my car insurance and my sprint bill.
LL – You sound as if you have turned a corner and are headed in the right direction – I mean You dont want that slimy turd back, so there you are, nothin to do but get up and get on with life – towander to YOU>>>
Dear LL,
Let me respectfully disagree with you about responding.
In the book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker shows that the stalkers (and that is what your P is doing to you by sending the card, and violating your boundary of “leave me alone”) you are giving him ATTENTION….and even NEGATIVE ATTENTION is attention. He would rather have you say “fark off” than to NOT RESPOND AT ALL.
tHAT IS WHY N.C. WORKS….because NO ATTENTION is much worse for them than ANY attention. At least you NOTICED HIM and even a response of negative comments REWARDS HIM.
So if he sends 30 messages and you only respond to the 30th, he learns that he has to send 30 to get a response so he keeps on sending them.
It is the INTERMITTENT REWARD training, just like we do with dogs, horses, and other animals we train. It is how slot machines work. Each time they get a “failure to get rewarded” they think to themselves “NEXT TIME FOR SURE” and they keep on.
I know it “felt good” at the time to tell him to fark off, but in the end it encourages him and he WILL keep on for some time, coming back. He reeled you in and out for 10 years and there is nothing but NO CONTACT that will ever convince him he can’t continue to do it.
The fact he has other ssupply is of no consequence, it is that he ALSO has you…one supply is never enough for these guys and he feels he owns you, he is not going to let you escape. He believes in his heart that he will reel you back in.
My egg donor is the same way….we have been NC in the past, but it never stuck….not for this long anyway. And even I got reeled in over the drawing portrait of my husband and allowed her to get information (that son C was no longer living here)
She still thinks that there is SOME way she can undo the NC…and she keeps on trying…I fell for that lure, but will not do so again.
Nola I am sending you light and Love today. Good luck. Had a thought about your neighbor lady. The forbidden fruit always messes with our psyche. The more we say we don’t want something yep the more we want it.
Take care and I have no intentions of going anywhere. I will post as I feel led regardless of what others may think or do. It’s called EMPOWERMENT and freedom of speech. I’ve needed it for so long.
Dear No Larn,
You are in my prayers, and hope that you get the financial help you need…Not sure if you are aware of what a small amount of money you will get for pawning your gun, or the high rate of interest they charge. You might be better off selling it, and buying one later when you get work again. Hang in there and see what else you might be able to turn loose of that you don’t really NEED. Put an add on Craig’s list but don’t meet them at your home, do it in a public spot where there are people around to keep you safe. Or take it to a gun store and sell it outright. You can get an idea of it’s real worth on the internet. Good luck. (((hugs)))
tobcop – I said a little prayer and I had a vision of you working at that pawn shop….? ask for a job while your there…
This is powerful!
Because the spath isolates us from others, we do tend to take their actions personally. We have no way of knowing that this is just what they do…to everyone.
That makes it feel betters somehow. Because even though I can’t forget my role in allowing this insanity to go on for as long as it did, it does help to know that this is just how this man goes about his life.
I was not the first victim. I will not be the last victim.
And it was not me as trimama that he zeroed in on. It was me as an intelligent, empathetic, hard-working woman who he saw as a resource, a source of supply.
It was me who gave it the emotional bonding. I gave him and the relationship greater depth and meaning than was there. Yes, he threw out little lures to encourage that. But they were superficial and were never supported by supportive behavior.
I think I am learning. Finally.
This is hard stuff.
God bless anyone who is trying to rebuild themselves after such an experience.
Oxy and Hens-thanks. I’m not gonna pawn my gun-just my golfclubs and my guitar cuz I’m not using them at all. I am going to try to sell the gun myself. I put it on consignment at the place where I got it but it wasn’t selling. I’m just mad that they won’t let me return it. It’s never been used or even put together. I bought it and it has been in it’s original box since then. I had bought it to hunt with N father but that is obviously not going to happen