UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
adamsrib-don’t go anywhere and you’re right about wanting something more when you say you don’t want it. After we joked about me getting with her, I started thinking this morning and ya know what? Even if she came to me and said I really want to be with you and be your girlfriend I would have to say no. I would have to tell her that even though I want to be with you so much, I don’t trust my instincts in picking a mate, cuz I’ve been so bad at it so for years. I would also have to say that I can’t mess with someone who I know may be just curious about being with a woman. I need to be with someone who is sure that is what they want. Otherwise, I’m just hooking up with a straight girl who may decide she doesn’t want women after we have sex and I have already bonded with her. That is too painful and I won’t disrespect myself like that. I would have to overule my hormones on that. Imagine how horrible that would be if we got together like that and she flaked on me and changed her mind. I would be stuck with her right next to me until the lease is up-NO FREAKIN WAY!!
Trimama thank you for your post. You have described the insanity in a nutshell. BRAVO!
We were discussing Stockholm Syndrome last night and I can only shake my head and say yes it has to be that kind of a mind @&^% because like you I am, intelligent, educated, attractive. kind, likable I get asked out regularly by NICE MEN and yet I got sucked in by an emotional vampire (twice!). My conclusion is IT IS ME and my unresolved issues from my childhood etc. The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carney has been one of the most important reads ever!
There are very wise people on this site. Veterans of the “war” so to speak. Listen to what they say. Oxy I know is humble and does not like to be singled out but she is, in my opinion, one HELL OF A RIGHT ON person! She’s lived it, and she zeros in on the crux of the issue and tells it like it is. If she steps on toes on LF she takes the high road. I have an older sister like that and she is worth her weight in gold to me. There was a time when elder women played that role in society. Now it’s just cat fights, jealousy and little respect. Women need other strong, good, women to learn how to be a phoenix and RISE FROM THE ASHES. I want to learn…
Hang in there Tmama you are in my thoughts today. You said everything I have felt in the past year in one remarkably short post. BRAVO!!
2bcop,
have you thought about craigslist?
pawn shops are notorious for low $ because they are overwhelmed with stuff right now because of the economy.
Do you have any other skills you can employ, maybe giving golf or guitar lessons or gun safety lessons or marksmanship lessons?
Nola thanks gurl! I said that about forbidden fruit because I was being SO DRAWN to my ex S just like you with the lady next door. I read Elizabeth Lessor’s “Broken Open” and she describes an attraction like that as the Shaman Lover. Usually they are not good for us but instinctually we have to go there.
Her theory is that by doing so it opens us up to better things.
Now I would NEVER say yeah, go get involved with that whack job, especially if they are violent. No just sometimes it’s like two trains colliding that no one can stop. The result is a TRAIN WRECK. But I can bet that that rail system in California that had operators that were texting while driving got a huge lesson and maybe folks are safer now.
I would say AVOID HER LIKE THE PLAGUE but who am I to talk? I am addicted like a junkie to a pot smoking, wine guzzling, man whore, like heroin. He does not know it and HE NEVER will but I know it and it makes me sick at heart.
BUT I am learning to be a Phoenix. a WARRIOR WOMAN!!
I am off now to plant my garden now that the winds are finally dying down here in the Southwest.
Good day Nola!!
I didn’t go to the pawn shop. I am going to try craigslist for selling the golf clubs and the guitar as well as a couple other things. I picked up my shotgun from consignment and I will sell it in the newspaper/website. Craigslist does not allow firearms sales on their site.
I talked to the sheriffs office this morning and I am still in the running for the dispatch job that I applied for. They should be calling anyday now for me to finish my testing. I also got called by the security company where I applied to be a guard and I am about to do the second stage of their application process. Orientation at a hospital tomorrow for some nursing shifts an hour away from home and I am praying and praying. Maybe I’ll end up with 3 jobs before too long.
Thank you, Adamsrib!
Yes, Ox is a great resource. I have been most grateful for her wisdom and kindness.
She sometimes loses patience with me because I have returned to this man who has harmed me, walking right back into a situation that could get me seriously hurt. Or worse. Her son killed his girlfriend and Ox correctly sensed similar elements in my situation. And was afraid for me.
It is a struggle to stay clear of this man. He is like heroin: highly addictive and just as highly dangerous. But the lure, the seduction of it makes me forget the dangers.
I read The Betrayal Bond and will go back over the exercises. The Gift of Betrayal is another good resource. Both are powerful tools to getting my head clear of this period in my life.
The man nearly destroyed me: emotionally, physically, financially and socially.
I am so thankful to be away from him. 2,500 miles away from him!
Nolarn – I was going to give you an ear-bashing tonight because I felt that you were STUCK in negativeness.
But hey girl………. look at you. You’ve bounced back. You sound positive and focused, so much more like the ‘old’ nolarn.
You’ve been through some cr@p but you’ve come out the other side.
How about trying some volunteering work? It always looks good on job applications.
Good luck with selling you firearm and the job applications:)
Candy-I am actually keeping an eye out for volunteer opportunities that would be good for me. Some times they have blight clean ups from Katrina still because we have so many dilapidated homes that were abandoned in the area and have become unsafe. I am looking for other opportunities as well. I am exercising since I need to lose weight for next year to go back to the police. I am eating healthy and sleeping well-except last night when I woke up at 4:00am having a panic attack over no money. I am just praying and praying that I get these jobs.
Nolarn. Keep your options open. Even if you have to take a job stacking shelves for now it will keep you in the work ethic.
I see you mention a lot about your weight, don’t get hung up on it. It’s good that you are exercising and getting fit, well done.
Money is always a big worry if we’re out of work – been there lived off bread and tea for months after spath left me in debt.
Just a thought………Schools maybe a good place to help out, especially with your backround. Or how about victim support volunteer. Anything that gets you out of the four walls. Keep working on it.
I’m going out now. I promised out help out at a local event. Will prob be back in about 2 hours.