UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
After reading these post I wonder does “don’t take it personally” and NC go hand in hand?
Dont take it personally means to me — dont keep beating myself up over the entire relationship…dont keep looking for answers or asking what did I do, what could I have done? This was not about me…there was nothing I could have done..except to have known the signs and reacted to the red flags — but I didnt. Still I must take it as “I AM JUST ONE OF HIS MANY VICTIMS” SAME STORY, JUST A DIFFERENT NAME/FACE…. I need to not question myself where the relationship failed…but question myself as to why i let it continue once I was aware he was a loser.
NC – means to me — Take it personally Sociopath! Im on to you, your lies, your games, your ways. NC to me means Im no longer taking it personally – Im aware this was all your doing — this is the way you are — and the things you do to EVERYONE WHO ENTERS YOUR LIFE. So, I will not take it personally anymore!
Thanks learn the lesson,
That is all good advice, and I will sit them down again, telling them “probably won’t happen but…”
one of the reason he got arrested was the threatening letters, one letter even said “isn’t this a fun game?” He left piles of my kids pics taken from old photo albums, and a few weeks ago I found literature from my sons college with a current map of the campus, no-one knows how it got here from the college….creepy stuff like that….anyway it’s good to be able to let it out a little here, now off to one of those things I do to stay positive. Have a great day all.
Thanks for the good advice learnthelesson. I do keep beating myself up and trying to figure out what was wrong with me to make him do such bad things to me, and I know I shouldn’t do that.
The abuser is married again now and I can tell that he is doing terrible things to his wife. I want so badly to help her out, but am afraid of what he’ll do if he finds out. For my own peace of mind, I have to walk away and that’s so hard.
I want to tell people everything he did to me, but am afraid they won’t believe me. He’s told them so many lies because I fought back and had a voice. It’s made me afraid to speak out to other people. I’ve totally lost my confidence.
Gogettergirl,
I know what you mean about wanting to go to the wife. I have multiple emails from the S I was involved with professing his love for me. I don’t know what his relationship with his wife is but I know she keeps a VERY close eye on him so I suspect he has cheated before. I know that someday I will deliver those emails to her; I think she deserves to know. However, I will do it when it is NOT personal to me anymore. Hmmm, when will that be?
I too fear that if I tell people about him that they won’t believe me. he lives in a very small town here in Canada and they are all very tight. He writes for the town newspaper in a health column and thinks he is the second coming of Christ – I swear! The funny thing is he is sooo charismatic that his friends and clients are really more like ‘followers’ – and he LOVES it!
I once asked him if this was a game to him (before I was aware he was a S). I asked him if he tried to posess all his female patients to fall in love with him. He told me “oh if I could I would”….
I know there will be more after me and I wish I could warn them. But I guess we can only do so much without compromising our own reputation, and safety!
I was taken by a sociopath, and I agree with “Allison” that, once we understand that it’s not “personal,” that the person is pretty much a career-sociopath, then we begin to heal.
The sociopath that I was dealing with has a drug problem. No, I wasn’t listening when he told me. I was in denial. And he hurt me so intensely that I don’t want to talk about it–not yet. But the final insult was him borrowing 100 dollars from me, telling me that he was broke and had no money for food, and then I found out (from him) that he used it to buy cocaine.
I stewed for about a month, not knowing what to do. I felt incapacitated. He wouldn’t talk to me, and when I would see him outside, he’d give me a “gotcha” look that froze me in place. Finally two days ago, I had had enough of the self-loathing feeling I was carrying around, so I picked up a baseball bat. No, I didn’t kill him. But I did knock on his door with it. When he came to the door, he looked quite surprised! And I kept saying “I want my money back. Do you hear me, I want my money back.” I basically scared the shit out of him! I didn’t touch him, but I kept reaching for his glasses. This is actually the first time in my life that I wasn’t afraid. I could see him wanting to fight back, but the fear in his eyes told me that this coward wasn’t going to do anything. And, I had the bat.
In the end, he tried to flip the situation around–making it what “I” did to “him,” and I stopped for a second, looked at him like “what the Hell are you on today?”, and kept repeating “I want my money back. I said I want my money back.” And when he said “ok, ok, it’s right here” and went into his kitchen to get it, I made sure the baseball bat was between the door and the door frame. I wasn’t leaving.
After he handed me two 50s, I looked at them and him incredulously as if to say “you’re dirt.” But, instead of my usual “thank you,” I said “f*ck you” in a casual tone and began to walk away. When he muttered the same under his voice, I said aloud “Yea, that’s NEVER going to happen!” I think his neighbor enjoyed that last bit, because I could hear her laughing through her door.
Now, I don’t recommend anyone try this, but I have to say, I had a very Oprah in the Color Purple moment the other day. I took back my power. I stood up for myself. And now he has nothing to hold over me.
I’m happy when I look in the mirror now. I feel whole. I feel like me. I’ve unleashed my inner protector. I’m smiling again.
My building manager is also pretty mad at him now, and there are a few other people who want him gone. I suspect the pressure will help him on his way. And I slept like a baby last night–the first time in a month.
I’m proud of me and I don’t know if I’ve ever actually “felt” that emotion quite this way, but I have to tell you, it’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever had.
Welcome spanky, gogettergirl, and been-a-year—this is a healing place (as I am sure you know if you have been reading a while) glad you feel comfortable to post now, and postiing does help I think. Glad you are here! Again, welcome!
I laughed out loud when I saw the title to this article. I used to work with a person who I am pretty sure is a sociopath. At the beginning, I didn’t understand this behaviour, and things he said and did towards me were very upsetting, and I told him so. His response? He would take me by the arm, look me deeply in the eyes, smile a little, and say “don’t take it personally”. The man was telling me himself! It took me a couple of years to catch on, but now I now it’s the truth!
Flagstaff (batgirl)…LOL, no ROTFLMAO…I’m sure he didn’t take it personally, either! At least he had the money, and you got it! TOWANDA! for you!
Hey, everyone. I’m new, too, and am so appreciative of everyone’s posts. They have helped make sense of what happened, know how to protect myself the next time, how to recognize the warning signs. And it has strengthened my resolve to work on my self-esteem issues, since I think it is the combination of being kind and nurturing and having low self-esteem that makes us targets. I don’t want to stop being kind and nurturing but I sure don’t ever want to end up a target again.
Lifevest, I am so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I have struggled with suicidal depression since I was a teenager, and I was dealing with PTSD over an incredibly traumatic event in my life (known full well by my false friend as he recommended the therapist for me to see for EMDR) when my SP decided to reveal himself and do the Mr. Hyde thing. I have had a terrible time recovering from this double blow. But I am determined not to let this bast*** “win” by encouraging me to destroy myself even more than he has. I’m doing a number of things to improve my self-esteem, but one of the most helpful has been to pay attention to my “self-talk” and any time I hear myself being mean to myself or telling me that the world would be better off without a screw-up like me in it, I take it back, apologize to myself, and say something nice and supportive to myself. WHENEVER I think of it, I say something nice to myself. I think that one of the ways SPs are so effective in “playing” us is that they say the things to us (at first) that we so long to hear. We can say them to ourselves and gradually start to believe it.
Gogettergirl–I share your apprehension. The SP in my life has poisoned four friendships now, ones that really mattered to me, and I am always wondering what they’re saying about me to each other and to others. It’s very paranoia- and anxiety-inducing. So, that behavior I DO take personally. Not to mention the fact that my erstwhile friend is still e-mailing my husband, trying to act like he’s still our friend. Totally creeps me out. But at this point, I am tending to think of SPs as predators like an animal predator, so the not taking it personally is saying to me, I didn’t personally do anything wrong for this relationship to have gone so far south. That has helped me with the utter bewilderment and self-blame.
Does anyone on this site have some good tips for dealing with the smear campaign? Thanks in advance, anyone. And thanks again for all your caring and supportive posts.