UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
darwinsmom
Yup, blue eyes said “Thus, while the other guys I dated were in many ways better than him, the *image* he presented to me essentially “matched” exactly what I was looking for.
Add the pity play. Not direct or overt, but enough not only for me to have a great deal of empathy for him, but it allowed me to explain away some of his treatment of me.”
I totally get that. Haven’t been thinking much of missing him, even though it’s recent… but just right now I was feeling a bit of a blues for the cozy good times I had with his mirror. But I don’t want him… I want the real thing
candy
I see there was a duck in the hen pen folks. Don’t think it turned into a swan!
hens
behindblueeyes – You need to read the book ‘Women who Love Sociopaths”..in a way, and at first especially, they mirror back an image of ourselves, becoming the perfect match made in heaven..myself I was an open book, I wrote the script and he played the part, what could of been better? I often wonder if that means I am self absorbed, selfish, or somewhat narcissistic. Mirror effect? Did I fall in love with myself?
But soon they grow tired of playing the same ole charactor, and when they have us hooked deep they turn the table and it all becomes about them and our identity is gone….
behind_blue_eyes
Hens;
Good ideas but my x-spath was different from me in many ways. I thought we complemented each other in many ways.
His mirroring was to point out similarities in interests. When we agreed on somethings he would often repeat my own words back to me.
Here is a good example of his mirroring. Since I met him in a club, I wanted to be certain he was not a classic club person. So, he painted a picture of himself the quiet home body, which was not quite the truth.
But yes, I wrote the script and he played the part. My mistake was to overlook the fact that we really did not share major interests, just a bunch of secondary ones that he was very happy to point out.
Ana
Hens,
It sounds like you are blaming yourself for his bad, bad behavoir? My “friend” did the same thing: all of a sudden she was “into” yoga (NOT), and went into great deatail of how she saved a little animal (NOT), it was all HER lie. I’m sure she hated that I had a good outlook on life and hers stunk. That they can’t stand that we may have some peace in our lives…so they need to take it away. You are a fine man. I can see it in your post’s. Now, please go howl at the moon : )
hens
.
hens
Thank you Ana –
newlife40
I was his angel. I saved his life. I was told continuesly, “I will give you the world one day at a time if you just trust me”. This was usually when he was asking me to buy another house, or perhaps he opened “another” credit card in my name without asking. Regardless…after taken him back several times I began to question my self worth more than his unthinkable behavior and lies. I do not think I will ever forget the last time he manipulated his way back into my life. He was moved back in within 24 hrs. I was fully aware of the number of relationships he had been in and couldn’t possibly ever forget the hateful, vendictive, humilating things he did too me while we were apart, but I still let him back in. The only difference this time was my gut was screaming at me…What the hell are you doing? Do you really think this little of yourself? I was struck with such emotion I was forced to vomit. We lasted 8 months after that day. Eight LONG months. I knew in my heart every single day he was a chronic liar, and I was acting as if I believed in him. Something good did come out of this time period. You see, I had at this point been introduced to Lovefraud. What a blessing that ending up being. I was far more aware. I watched and listened. Not only was I able to see the betrayal first hand and witness him working overtime attemtping to cover all his lies. I also became aware how much I dreaded him leaving, knowing what what was about to take place. He insulted me daily, told people lies about me, always made fun of me and my relationship with GOD. Told me I was a worthless mother. The list goes on and on. Somedays I would feel so empty after dealing with his “evilness” that I had no further energy to do anything. He became a master of punching me in the stomach. Why? Because I ALLOWED HIM TOO!
After a long, long time becoming aware I started to get stronger and learned after several hard knocks that thier was no need to respond to his text, or answer his calls. He was predictable. He did the same thing each and everytime he left. When I practiced daily not to react to his ignorance things began to improve. Allison girl!!!! You hit this one on the head. While this advice is simple, it is byfar the most powerful tool I have learned to use. When I stopped reacting, my ex-spath got bored and moved on. It takes awhile, but they will get bored. They thrive off chaos. They will go back and forth for days, if allowed.
Now I try to focus on why I continued to put myself in the position I did to be harmed on a continues basis. That became so distrubing to me that I was pushed to take a look at it. While everyone else in my life questioned for years what I was doing and why I didn’t think I deserved better, it took what it took for me to see it for myself.
I must take care of myself and get to the root of the problem, not only to prevent getting back with my ex, but just as importantly…hooking up with someone just like him.
Peace & Love people! Hang in there and know that you all truly deserve the absolute best!
Break the cycle and start living one day at a time 🙂 Let’s keep praying for each other!
trimama
Dear NewLife,
I did the same thing….allowed him back into my life despite knowing what and who he was, but I did so after being educated on LF.
Yes, it was a huge risk. But what it did do for me was to clarify all the many ways this man is a psychopath. I did not have that knowledge during my previous involvement with him. At that time, I just saw all that went on as so upsetting, not part of a larger theme of psychopathology. I viewed him almost clinically this time around.
But I will admit to you that getting him out of my head and heart now is so much harder. I had done well with it before but succumbed to his pleas for US.
Bullshit.
Taking him back intensified the trauma bond. For me, at least.
He is on to the next victim, apparently had been grooming her for some time. How do I know? The little b–tch had the audacity to call me to brag about all the ways he had cheated on me with her. She is 18. He is 42.
She got a little more than she bargained for though. I planted some very fertile seeds of doubt in her head about him, his history and their ‘future’ together.
Not stuff she can forget and that will eat at her.
I cannot let that matter to me now. I focus in earnest on the exercises in The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes and The Gift of Betrayal but Eve Wood.
And I feel better a little more most days.
trimama
You are too funny, Adam!
I had the same response to the thought of missing him?
WHY?!!!
Because we could sing and laugh together?
He did those things to reel me in.
Because the sex was good?
The man is a sex addict. He literally screws anything that walks. It is nothing special to him. Why should sex with him therefore be special to me?!
Because he is so sensual with that deep baritone voice and perfect body?
He uses those attributes to hide the fact that he has no personality. They are all he has.
Do I miss being lied to and driving myself crazy picking apart the statements to discern the con?
Do I miss never being able to count on him? That he is here one minute and gone the next?
Do I miss the worry of being with him, that he might have drugs on him and we will be stopped by the police?
Do I miss the people who would look at me funny because of bad things he had said to them about me? Or because they are saying the unspoken: “WTF are you doing with HIM?!”
Do I miss the fear of making him angry and having strong basketball hands wrapped around my throat?
What is it that I really do miss?