UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
It’s part of that “triangulation” that they LOVE to do, right?
LOL. My little spath the teenage house cleaner texts me that I should pay her in cash tomorrow — again. She’s always springing this on me as I go to write the check, and I’m always saying, OK, just this once. This time she says, “What’s the problem, I gave U a day in advance to get the cash.” Oh, and it’s because Sunday is her brother’s birthday.
Enough!
I said, “No.”
Then I said, “I said no.”
Then I didn’t take her call. Such a diva I am! I wasn’t born bitchy, but I’m learning . . .
And I’m learning that it’s not fine to get a call from her father asking what “babysitting job” I referred her to when she gets busted. Not OK! No! Leave me out of this!
Still, she pretends that this is the way normal people operate their lives. It’s so freakin’ NOT the way normal people live.
New Winter,
it might help if I tell you what my exspath tried to do to me. Then you’ll have a perspective removed from yourself.
He met a wealthy couple who were building a mansion on the island where we lived. The wife was a pilot – she died in her plane and I think he killed her by sabotaging it. But before she died, he would come home and tell me about this couple’s wonderful loving relationship. How they were soulmates, blah, blah, blah. Now during this time, he was beating me down constantly, raging at me, etc… I was doing gray rock even back then. Mostly didn’t respond… was always just thinking “WTF?”…but I KNEW that he was playing a game. I knew he was telling me about this couples’ love and commitment so that I would long for that myself.
Being 2 dimensional, he was unable to understand a complex human being such as myself, or the fact that I know that nothing is so simplified as “soul mates”. So when I just said, “that’s nice, I’m happy for them.” it drove him nuts.
I think he was telling you about his support of his ex, to make you envious. To make you long for that for yourself. But, what these STUPID, TWO-DIMENSIONAL, CARD BOARD CUT OUTS, don’t get is that we REALLY ARE HAPPY FOR OTHERS when they get something good in their lives. This concept is beyond them. My spath finally said to me, “I’m tired of your God-like ways”
Then, to come back to you and try to act like he’s better than you…. what a joke.
The reason he attached himself to you in the first place is BECAUSE you are a good person and he wanted to bring you down to his level. He wants you to experience life from his perspective: ALL CONSUMING ENVY.
While at the same time, you, because of your high self-esteem, percieved him as being as good as you. It’s because you couldn’t imagine yourself loving someone who isn’t as good as you. So when he crushed you, he came back to lord it over you, to show you that you were actually beneath him, and not as good as you thought.
My spath would tell me that I’m arrogant. That word, specifically means that I think I’m better than I actually am.
LOL! talk about projecting.
Grrrrrr… by accident as I went through messages, I noticed the new victim altered her facebook picture. She put up a pic of him and her, and then commented on a pic of him, on which I commented long ago, while I can still see the picture though we are no friends anymore. Shouldn’t have looked.
Luckily I kinda only feel pity. She’s obviously smitten and already making herself his public attachment in a way that took me a year to do. Him (with sunglasses and looking cool, but not emotional), I don’t look at as I used to do. He’s a stranger to me now and he looks simply cheap. Don’t even understand why I ever felt he might have some substance.
Ah well, she’ll learn, and by the looks of it, pretty quickly too.
Hmmm, that “couple” picture made me wade through my own with him, but looked mostly at myself in comparison to him. Sure, on some you can blatantly see how much I adored him then. But glad to say that in neither of them I look like an appendage. At least on the pics I appear as putting myself on the screen as an equal, not drummed aside by him. I only started to lose some of my own independence on an emotional level the past couple of months. And there are no pics of him and me for that period.
Seems perhaps dangerous to look at that couple pic of her and him, and then about the ones with us. But it’s actually making me feel better about myself, less envious of her and him (she looks so small and already crushed under his ego in that picture, poor thing), and reinforces the idea that he is just a cheap sleeze.
It’s empowering myself
Dear Sistersister,
Can you say “Thanks, darling, I’ve appreciated you helping me with the house, but I think I don’t need your services any more.”
Thing is she doesn’t respect your boundaries and she seems to be lying to her daddykins so I wouldn’t want a person I knew was DISHONEST in my house cleaning it.
I used to hire my housework done back when I was working, so I could work outside which I preferred to do to having a job AND cleaning my house, but don’t want others I can’t 110% trust inside my home. Had too many people take advantage of that…I think I’d find another cleaning service/person.
OMG-THE TWO FACED BEHAVIOR, it just makes me wanna scream! I go to take the trash out and see out the corner of my eye that neighbor lady is approaching walking arm in arm with a white haired lady. I tried to act like I didn’t see her and hurry in the house. As I’m opening the door I hear “Erin, oh good I want you to meet my mother”. So she introduces me to 80 something year old mother who is a very refined woman who is FRIENDLY and she asked me how I liked living here. Neighbor gal is all smiles and totally friendly and smiling while mom is standing next to her. Totally the opposite of the frigid cold bitch that she normally is most of the time, UNLESS she is trying to get my attention. It was THE most two faced display that I have seen in years-being one way with mom there and mom not seeing the way she normally is. I’m gonna have to go exercise in a little while so I can keep my head from exploding.
I will leave you with this thought for today—
To achieve, you must care enough to make the effort but not so much that you’re afraid to fail.
Of course you would like to get the results you intended. But it’s not the end of the world if you don’t.
You are uniquely beautiful and worthy no matter what results you get.
Goodnight
Candy, THANKS!!!!
That is a great saying and wonderful piece of advice. Thanks again!
That was a very nice thing to say. I would love it if I could get better at not letting things bother me so much. It is a real struggle for me and one of my big flaws.