UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Hens ~ I’m in total agreement with Sky and Oxy. Dang it you are NOT a failure. As a matter of fact, you seem like a pretty terrific guy to me! ((((hugs))))
BTW, when are you coming over for your “don’t f*ck with me strut” lessons?? (also known as: walking with ATTITUDE)
Dear Hope, I can’t even get him to come for visitation with his duckling children..he did send me two $3.00 bills for their support but funny thing is I can’t find a feed store that will accept them! LOL and they are growing like weeds and eating on their second coffee can full of feed…took them 2 weeks to eat the first one and now they have gone through the second one in only a few days. Growing like crazy! Eating me out of house and home! Plus we have 8 more eggs in the incubator that are due to hatch the end of the month so I guess I will be an OCTO-MOM with 16 ducks! LOL hee hee and not a father in sight! Or is that DUCTO-MOM? LOL Oh, my, what bad puns! ROTFLMAO
Well, guys keep it between the ditches and play nice, I’m out of here…off to the auction for tonight looking for a swivel office chair for $5 and to see what else might be there! have a good one…if there’s not much there I may be back before bed time to check in and see if you guys are behaving…One, use the skillet if you need to while I’m out of the house. Keep ’em in line! LOL See ya!
Hens – have you left your egg donor (Ox) to bring up the offspring on her own? You’re gonna miss their first wobbly steps, their swimming lessons, their first quack, their first feather. It’s not too late, you can do this. It’s not about the money……it’s about ……showering those babies with love and affection. But you better be quick cos Ox might have them in the pot before Christmas. Oh hell……pass the tissues, I’m blubbing again!
See you all later. I’m off out:)
Well, interesting trip to the auction….as we drove in my ex college chum that I told to take a flying leap a couple of years ago…actually for cheating me out of $56 on the first ducks we bought (together)….and I “spoke” as we passed between some rows of merchandise that was to be auctioned, but did not even SLOW DOWN, just a POLITE “well, Hi, Frank” and kept on walking not even waiting for a reply.
Later he saw me looking at a box of stuff and came up and asked me “what are those things?” I POLITELY said “I’m not sure” put them down turned and walked away….and the best part is I was not even upset. TOWANDA FOR ME!
Then of all the people to show up was son C….and his prospective new father in law…I was cordial, just chit chat about things there…then I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, and said to them “while you guys talk, I’m going to go say hi to a friend” then I did and then son D joined me and we got in the truck and left. D had mentioned in casual conversation that we had to replace our hot water heater and C offered to come over and help, I said nicely “not sure when we will get around to it, but thanks for the offer.” He obviously doesn’t understand yet that I don’t accept favors from people I don’t trust…I would boil water over a wood fire in the yard before I would ask or accept his help installing the new hot water heater. Oh, well…wasn’t any thing there I wanted to buy tonight anyway so we left even before it got started.
Yea, Hens, the babies have already taken their first little ducky steppies and they are soooo cute….seems like they are doubling in size every day!@....... But no swimming lessons for them til they get feathers not down…it is WINTER TIME here again…30 mph winds and 60 degree highs–CRAAAAA ZEEEEEEE WEATHER!
Ox – Sounds like the local auction is a happenin place. I sure dont want to cheat you out of money owed, dont wanna be on your snub list for sure. So let me know when you need more duck money i have more 3 dollar bill’s under my mattress. It has been a cool but beautiful day here, have been mowin and goin all day, dont even want to go anywhere, will prolly work outside till dark then come in and get horizontal on the couch with the wieners and a bowl of icecream and watch a good movie.
Dear Oxy~ TOWANDA for YOU!!!
Husband R says we’ve got a swivel desk chair for you if you want to take a road trip and visit 🙂
On the water heater replacement. If you haven’t already considered it, you might want to look into an on-demand water heater. That’s what we replaced our old tank heater with and we LOVE it!! We never run out of hot water, and it is much more cost effective to run because it doesn’t keep water hot in a tank 24/7. However, it does require either natural gas to be the most efficient, or LP gas which is not as cheap to get. You can also get an electric one, but they are definitely not cheap to run, but still more efficient than a tank. They do cost about twice as much as the tank type, but the savings will make up for it over time.
TTYL Gotta go help hubby rake the hayfield we call our yard!!
h2h – I bet ox has a big black kettle to heat water with, she’s a hillbilly ya know…
Oxy,
Good for you! And you didn’t even get mad! Woot, Tawonda, and YAY! I’m happy for you.
Hens, you’re toooo much lol.
Hens~ She probably does… and it matches her big ol’ skillet LOL
Careful, she might get you with it!
Well, we got over half of the (hayfield) yard raked and grass picked up. The pile is HUGE!! We’re going to use it for mulching our vegetable garden once we get the seedlings planted. 🙂
Wow, am I exhausted!!
Dear HOpe2heal,
We got a smaller and cheaper hot water heater that is a Non-name brand made b y a name brand company at half the price of a name brand one…and son D will install it, it is already bought. I checked into the cost vs useage etc. on the on demand ones and for OUR situation and also not knowing how long we will be here anyway, just got the smaller replacement. Since we don’t need the water very hot (I hand wash dishes) and only two of us to shower, and we don’t have to shower one right after the other, hot water heating is the cheapest thing we do…believe me, I have got our utilities down to about as low as you can go! LOL I am MS CHEAP or is it MS CHEEP CHEEP! LOL
Yea, Hens if I can find a feed store to take those three dollar bills you keep sending for duck support ! LOL ROTFLMAO
Got two new kitties too…they are named “Dog” and “Mouse” and are both girls to be the harem for Shrodinger the “Hemingway” cat. and Dog is a Hemingway cat (extra toes on her front paws) Shrodinger has them on his back feet too. and two extra on front feet. Too many snakes around, have killed 3 water mocs this year already so need to make sure the mouse population is kept in check, so we keep cats, and one outside cat isn’t enough for coyote food AND keeping down the mice..Shrodinger is a good hunter though, he’s already got himself a rabbit—he left the hide in the barn and my dog picked it up and started prancing out of the barn and son D said “what are you doing with Shrodinger’s rabbit?” and the dog looked up at him then took the rabbit hide back to where it was laying when he picked it up and dropped it. Hee hee
Dog and Mouse are still just babies, 7 weeks old, so are still in a crate learning to eat and drink (I didn’t realize they weren’t weened when I got them, she said they were) DUH! Oh, well…I just shoved their little faces down into the milk and they learned to lick milk today and are eating food, and using the litter box in their crate so they’ll do okay.