UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Oxy,
I like oatmeal, so I’d probably like oat groates even better. Did you see where the FDA cracked down on the Amish people for the use of “raw” milk from cows. It’s because they transported it across state lines they got into trouble. I guess the fda just wants us to drink hood milk and nuttin else….
OKay,
Asking input from everyone. First short background.
Raised in abusive home. Unwanted. But somehow ended up with a conscience.
I think my problem is that I don’t take things personally that I SHOULD, b/c those were the red flag signs. I think I make excuses for people’s bad behavior when if I had just correctly identified red flags, I could have saved a lot of grief. Has anyone else had this be their problem?
If a family member lies to others about you, is that a red flag? If they seem to have done it to avoid consequences from others? I am talking about a kid who lies to teachers, and has continued the same lie since the eighth grade to every person who required work from her…. says her mom was a former prostitute and that in order to eat, she has to work… so she doesn’t have time to do homework. There was a feeling that teachers were chilly and professionally polite, but no matter what, they did not allow any repoire. It was only through reading the teens diary that what happened was revealed.
What about a kid who says they don’t feel loved by the parent? My spath said he didn’t feel loved but only when he was cheating. Is this a red flag that what is really going on is the Spath is the one who does not love, or as in this example, like the spath, it is the kid that is the one who does not love the parent, and their claim of not feeling loved is the red flag that shows they too are spath?
It is confusing to me b/c I did not feel loved but that was b/c I wasn’t. (some abuse, beatings and rape… but mostly neglect, starving but their was a house and water. and I could make my own little bed area.) So my declaration of not feeling love was based on reality. But when another says they don’t feel loved, yet I am hugging and kissing and protecting and caretaking and sacrificing and with them and they are the priority… and still say they don’t feel loved…
When a person grows up unloved, it is hard to discern when others don’t return authentic love b/c being unloved is normal. I do GIVE. Maybe I am just too dumb to realize it’s not being reciprocated until too late…. not taking calloused or thoughtless behavior personally b/c I learned as a child to never take it personally.
Katy, trying to wrap her head around how she’s been treated… what to take personally and what is just normal thoughlessness or normal teen lying…
mornin katyMcdid…I used to believe whatever came out of a persons mouth to be the truth, I mean why would a parent lie to their child?, a parent knows everything, they hung the moon ya know, well guess what? a lie is a lie is a lie, but when you dont know it is a lie your reality becomes based on lies and/or the lier’s reality. So we have to undo and redo our realitys to be our truths..and once we know people lie all the time we must trust ourselves to decern the truth.
Katydid – I cannot begin to get my head around what you have been through, it is too horrible for me to contemplate. What I will do however, is to tell you a story of one such experience. It was not until I was an adult that I came to know this story but as a child I knew something was not right.
The family concerned was related through marriage and lived just a few miles away.
The parents had 8 children. They were all a bit rough and ready but pretty children.
One of their kids the 4th one (I think) for some reason they did not take to. They loved their other children but for some reason this one boy was not loved.
It was even said that they placed him under a hedge as a baby (like they used to do in the old days for unwanted children) with the intention of ending his life. He survived, don’t ask me how. He was not fed or nurtured.
Eventually he was taken away and adopted.
I met this young man a few years ago. He had been adopted into a well-to-do family, he was smart, well educated and the best dressed guy at the family wedding.
So the question still bugs me as to why his parents rejected and abused him when he was a child. It remains a mystery.
So what is my point? A child who is emotionally starved in his/her early years CAN go on to grow up to be a perfectly ‘normal’ human being.
Emotionally I am sure that the young man had huge scars from his abuse, but you know what, he had left the past behind and he was getting on with his life. I felt humbled to stand beside him knowing what he had been through.
KatyDid,
I definitely understand your thinking on this.
What is truth? I know that sounds smart ass but I mean it as a serious question.
I know that some people lie when they are caught doing something wrong and want to get out of the consequences. “No, I did not rob that bank.”
I know that other people lie to protect themselves or others from consequences when caught by “bad guys”—“No, I did not turn you in to the FBI for raping and killing 14 women.”
So is one of those un-truths (i.e. lie) excusable and the other one not? My answer to that is yes.
When someone says they love us, but they hurt us….I think ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. “Honey, I love you and if you had had supper on the table when I came home, I would not have been forced to break your fingers. I warned you.”
People who love us to not deliberately hurt us. So, actions versus words.
I am sure though that my kids at times when I would punish them, thought I was “being mean” to them….for taking away their toys, or putting them in their room when they wanted to go outside. Or even spanking them for very serious/dangerous “crimes” that they knew better than to do and chose to do anyway.
My egg donor’s mom was raised in an abusive home with an alcoholic father and was taught that it was her job to keep everyone else in the family happy and not upset the MALE monarchs of the home, her father and brothers.
When she had her own son age 7, and that child was jealous and tried to hurt his baby sister by smothering her….my grandmother “protected” him from the consequences by keeping it SECRET from his father and the rest of the family because (her excuse) If his daddy had known, he would have spanked him and he (the boy) might have run away from home.”
She tried to protect her daughter by keeping (literally) the toddler’s dress safety pinned to hers when they slept and keeping the child in her line of vision (but that wasn’t possible really) and so the boy smothered the girl unconscious as often as possible for 7 years…until his father finally found out and whaled his arse….the brother became my Uncle Monster who despised all women, especially his mother, and beat his wife, and terrorized his children such that he should have been put in prison.
Egg donor didn’t “take no carp” off Uncle Monster until after granny died, then she assumed the role of FAMILY enabler and DEMANDED that I do as well. By then I KNEW the TRUTH about this man and refused to have anything to do with him. Because I refused to go along with her and the ASSIGNED ROLE she had for me as “family enabler” with my own P-son she became enraged at me. Devalued and discarded me and took on the P-DIL married to my son C, and the Trojan Horse Psychopath (ex cell made of my P son that he had sent here to kill me, then the others) until that felll apart and the TH-P and the DIL-P went to prison/jail….now she is back protecting P-son by keeping him supplied with money and information if she can get it.
For anyone with a really dysfunctional family of “bad boys” and “enablers” you might want to do some study on FAMILY ROLE THEORY.
It is really very simple actually, and not all are identical but there is a lot of pattern there and when a ROLE that is “essential” to keep the designated SCRIPT working becomes VACANT by the death of the person playing that role or their departure, another person will be designated to play that role even if it is a 180 degree turn from what they have played in the past. If someone does not want to assume their new role they will be punished or pushed out of the family entirely. Sometimes someone from the outside will be adopted to fill the role that is vacant.
In my family “the neighbors thoug” was VERY important and it wasn’t so much what you actually DID that was right or wrong, but how it would appear to the neighbors.
The other thing that was VERY important was “let’s just pretend it never happened.” NO MATTER how horrible something was that one of the “golden people” did (like Uncle Monster) we had to PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.
Others, however, would have things thrown in their face for decades even though they had groveled and begged to be forgiven….there was never any forgiveness forthcoming. Yet, TOTAL “forgiveness” was DEMANDED for those like Uncle Monster, when you knew that Uncle Monster didn’t repent or care, and WOULD DO IT AGAIN. If you did not want to play “let’s pretend”: you would be condemned to hell fire and brimstone and told that God would punish you for not forgiving.
Looking at your family of origin from a perch of “family role theory” and how the roles interact to keep the drama going.
Also keep in mind that in the VICTIM/PERSECUTOR/RESCUER models the roles can change and over lap, with various people taking on various roles at various times rather than having just one role –almost like musical chairs.
Once we can SEE PATTERNS in how the drama plays out, we can sometimes see what our role is and how we have fallen into participating in the FAMILY DRAMA-RAMA and the purpose of this isx that the family dynamics be STABLE and EXPECTED.
I think Kim will understand that in some families that when the primary bad guy drunk starts to get sober the rest of the family may sabotage the sobriety because it means that the family is CHANGING—and CHANGE IS SCARY. At least with daddy drinking we know what to expect and live as we know it goes on as usual. But if daddy gets sober, WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN? Way tooooo scary a prospect.
Candy,
Do you think if this man raised a child and gave him all the love he never received, and the kid seems to not reciprocate any care, concern, or love, would he be confused about it? HOw would he respond?
Oxy,
What if you refuse to play the VICTIM/PERSECUTOR/RESCUER game? Does that automatically make you the persecutor, even though you aren’t exploiting or harming the other? She seems to FEEL unloved when I don’t submit to letting her be awful to me, not that she declares love or appreciation when I give to her…..
Candy,
Just so you know. MOST times kids don’t get rescued. But this is the greatest nation on earth. There are jobs. There is cheap education (jr college). There is opportunities (illegals are doing REALLLY well here. they have rights and taxpayer dollars are used for them for benefits the taxpayers can’t get. is it ideal? no. but look at ANY other country in the world and what illegals can expect.)
For the abused kid, the United States lets them escape their childhood. It’s not a life sentence.
KatyDid,
Yes, if you do not play the game, if you refuse to rescue them when they get themselves into trouble….you are the bad guy.
If you refuse to “persecute” them for the things they do, then they up the ante and do worse things. YOU are the bad guy.
If you refuse to be the VICTIM, then you are the bad guy.
The ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS GAME IS TO REFUSE CONTACT WITH THEM….or just do not participate with the game.
Yesterday at the auction I ran into my son C that I am essentially NC with after the last time he lied to me about 16-17 months ago, and I asked him to leave my home. He was with his (probable) future father in law that I know he has ALSO lied to.
I was CORDIAL at the meeting. Cordial to his friend. Even chatted some, and when son D had mentioned that our hot water heater was going out and we had bought a new one to replace it with, son C immediately JUMPED IN TO VOLUNTEER TO HELP US INSTALL IT….almost INSISTED in fact.
Now, what could be wrong with that? Well, accepting favors from someone you know is dishonest is generally not wise, it is playing the game and he was OFFERING TO RESCUE ME. I didn’t ask for his help but he was throwing out an offer of RESCUE….and if I had taken him up on it he would have had a “legitimate” claim to later persecuting me or asking me to rescue him “well, after all, I DID come fix your hot water heater and now you won’t loan me a lousy $500 when I am in desperate straits.”
So the relationship must be kept at ARMS length. NO ADVICE given to them about anything….no helping them out of any jams, and ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWING THEM TO HELP YOU OUT. Well, that doesn’t leave much of a “relationship” does it?
I had a therapist tell me once that the ONLY LEGITIMATE RESCUE is to drag an unconscious man out of a burning building.
I think that is a pretty good description.
I am responsible for myself. You are responsible for you. You take care of yourself, I’ll take care of me. I won’t tell you how to run your life, so if you make a mistake you can’t blame it on taking my advice. You can’t depend on me to dig you out of a pit you dug yourself and I won’t allow you falling into a pit you dug yourself to ruin my life and happiness.
I’m not sure who you are talking about in these questions, KatyDid—your daughter?
My son C thinks somehow that now that some time has passed since he told me the last lie and I asked him to leave my home, that we will play a rousing game of “let’s pretend none of that happened” and then go back to the RESCUER/PERSECUTOR/VICTIM game of musical chairs, but I have NO INTENTION of doing that. The last “hand” of the game we played was I rescued him by giving him a place to live for a reasonable price, and an agreement about how he would handle his funds….he violated that agreement and then when caught lied about it to my face, then went to work and lied to his boss and his friends (the man he was with last night) ABOUT me…making himself the VICTIM of a mean old mommy who threw him out into the street for no reason…..well. Now he wants to pretend that none of that happened, but it DID happen, and if I play the game again it will happen again and again and again.
I will be CORDIAL to him when we meet by accident like that….I will work with him on keeping his psychopath brother in prison, and hopefully keeping money from the egg donor’s estate from going to P-son, but you know, as far as a “relationship” with my son C….nope. Don’t trust him. Don’t want to be around him because I don’t trust him, and will not play ANY ROLE in the victim/rescuer/persecutor game…I will not take favors from him, and I will not GIVE favors to him….he is on his own hook, and his life is his to live how he wants to but he will never again be a significant part of mine. I don’t like him, I don’t trust him, and he isn’t a psychopath, just a man who is dishonest, will lie to make himself look good, and someone who doesn’t handle his life in a very successful way, so though I love him, he is not within my inner circle of trust. I can’t help him in any significant way or advise him because he only wants me to bail him out of holes he has dug for himself and when he feels “safe” again he starts digging more holes. He has proven that time and time again, so it wasn’t just the ONE LIE it was all the pattern of holes and lies that went before.
Yeah Oxy,
Guess it’s time to face some hard truths. Spath family. Spath husband. He adopted my daughter after our marriage while he was still pretending to be a family man. My girl has never been around my family b/c I was determined they not be able to abuse her like the did me. While growing up, she did some things that alarmed me b/c it was so like my family, the envy she had, the cup half empty, the blaming, the victim game. I hoped it was just normal childhood bountry testing. But by marrying, I put her right in the middle of a psycho mess and although I knew headtrips were done to me, I didn’t understand what watching that might have done to her. I stayed married b/c I thought she had a dad who loved her, even as he despised me. So since leaving my spath, I have been really working to show her the dif between a depressed mom and a secure recovered mom – b/c I did become severly depressed in the last two years of her high school, barely existing, but I did rally when I saw her have a need I could fulfill… and those bad years were her strongest memories of life with me.
But she has no appreciation of me. Still sees me as weak. Enormous behaviors of Contempt. And enormous anger at “not being there” for her even though she says she forgives me. In my defense, part of my depression was that she allied with her dad, and even asked me to move out so they could have a life of peace (i cried a lot and yelled at him sometimes.). But b/c I was raised with a pedophile, I was too paranoid to leave her alone with my jerk husband (didn’t identify him as spath until I came to this site.) So no, she doesn’t see any of the good things I did and only perceives me as a loser.
And I am sadly thinking to go nc, b/c I have failed at my attempts to get her to feel my love, and her emotional abuse towards me during those times we do have contact is just killing me all over again. I have tried to see the positive but ignoring the bad stuff isn’t getting any results. But to go NC is to do what I was blamed for, “not being there” for her.
I am such a *0&^%!!! failure. Precious child gifted to me and this is the consequence of my life choices. If I hadn’t been so selfish and if I had given her for adoption, she might have had a chance. And before you say it, it’s not a pity party. It’s grief. There is something wrong with me but I can’t understand what it is. Not spath. but I understand what an spath must feel, knowing something is wrong but not what…. and not able to fix it b/c unlike an spath, I promise if I knew, I’d be the most motivated psyche client EVER.