UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
KatyDid – It is very sad indeed (and a reality) Katy that many kids are not rescued. As a mother of three my heart goes out to them (and you).
I’m afraid Katy that I am not ‘qualified’ to answer the question you asked.
All I can do is give you another example. My mother was very ill-treated by her mother. My mother turned this all around when she had ‘us’ and she was steadfast, kind, loving, strong, caring, we were all treated fairly and we certainly felt loved. My mother would have layed down her life for any one of us. However, she could never hug us, she never quite mastered that show of affection.
So if kids are neglected in some way I guess there will always be an element, somewhere in their make-up, which reflects that neglect.
“when son D had mentioned that our hot water heater was going out and we had bought a new one to replace it with, son C immediately JUMPED IN TO VOLUNTEER TO HELP US INSTALL IT”.almost INSISTED in fact.
Now, what could be wrong with that? Well, accepting favors from someone you know is dishonest is generally not wise, it is playing the game and he was OFFERING TO RESCUE ME.”
Yup. Ox, me thinks BIG HOOK HERE!!
Candy,
I understand the hug thing, esp b/c most touching was being hit or smacked or raped.
I got lucky. I had a fantastic job where I needed to hug my patients b/c they were facing death or at least the fear of death. SO I learned to hug, learned to show the empathy my heart was feeling. ANd I did hug and snuggle and smooch my little peapod. And I was very protective and mommyish with my daughter… but she says that although I did all those things, and I could list a thousand of them b/c I LOVED being a mommy, she now says she didn’t feel loved, which is the same thing my husband said and why he couldn’t feel any connection to me.
Yes Adamsrib,
That “favor” stuff is a game they play, the game of obligation. You owe me domination game. It’s why I do favors differently, I tell people what I’d get out of it so people know what my expectations are. For ex: I’ve arranged peoples travel. They say what can I bring back for you. I say, IF possible, I’d love a post card and you can tell me what you enjoyed when you return. That crap of owing/obligation means it was NEVER a favor, it was EXTORTION. THAT’s a game I refuse to engage.
Katy – This is an important issue and I don’t want to rush my response, so I will call in later to give you the time your post deserves. My prayers are with you.
KD,
I have felt for a long time now that I was sexually abused in my childhood. I have NO recollections of who it could have been but yes I am sure I was. I can’t go into the whys, I just know. My trauma bond.
I am thinking about your struggle and I can in no way offer any advice just to say I hurt with you.
When I was conceived, my mother was 40 and did not want anymore babies, understandably. She had just had my sister who is a year and a half older than me. She was practicing birth control and my father had a very negative reaction to that. Consequently, they had me. When I was newly home from the hospital my mother refused to care for me. She told my father “there’s the baby YOU wanted. You take care of her!!” And he did. He was a very loving daddy and had mother like qualities.
I never felt loved or wanted by my mother. She would never say ‘I love you” or hold us or give us any affection. She was rather cold though she kept us clean and fed and watched over us. My father was an alcoholic, not abusive but a “lovable drunk” type. He was very high functioning and we always had our needs met though we were not well off financially. It was my dad that told me that story that my mother did not want me. He was drinking one day and was very angry at her and he felt the need (?) to tell me.
Needless to say it was a very hard thing for me to hear but it explained a lot. I can’t begin to compare what this did to me with what you are suffering. I really feel for you. I do. Just want you to know I am sending you a hug ok?
Also coincidentally I am finishing up Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search For Meaning” just this hour! This is what I left off with to come and post this:
“As a professor in two fields, neurology and psychiatry, I am fully aware of the extent to which man is subject to biological , psychological, and sociological conditions. But in addition to being a professor in two fields, I am a survivor of four camps-concentration camps, that is-and as such I also bear witness to the unexpected extent to which man is capable of defying and braving even the worst condition conceivable” (pg 130).
Of course when it is our parents and other family that is supposed to keep us safe doing all the damage, that is doubly hard to recover from. I’m, in no way, meaning to minimize your pain, just want to come along side of you and say, you have a friend who is hearing what you say.
oh and yes I was in my early 20’s when dad told me that.
About favors: I take so much CRAP from female friends because I don’t let men do favors for me. I am very independent and can do most anything. If I can’t do it, I hire it out. When I am in a relationship I may allow my guy to do small things but I agree, I DO NOT want to be obligated to men in any way.
Maybe that is disordered but I don’t care, it is how I roll.
Thank you for the hug Adamsrib. I am okay with my childhood. I picked out the pieces that were good. What I have avoided was that I was unable to pass along my love to the one who matter most to me in life, and that hurts me far more than anything that was ever done to me or withheld from me. It’s not like others, who had family influences over their kids that went bad. My child was eight when I married my spath. And even then, she was not abandoned or neglected or not shown lots of love (which my spath complained about, as typical that others have observed in their spaths, complaining about attention shown to children as if love was finite.)
And I have put my life with my spath mostly to rest.
Now is the final truth I have to face. My daughter, despite advantages most would treasure (yes an spath but he was in the lovebomb mode with her almost all the entire years she was home), does not care about me, I don’t exist for her, she feels NO emotional connection to me at all. At my age, that pretty much does it for me. I know I am not the only one who lives this way, many people die unloved. So it’s not for me that I hurt, but I grieve for the lifelong lonliness and emptyness that my daughter will have… and for my part in cursing her with such a legacy.
I am so sorry, Katy… I totally understand what you are trying to say, but I don’t know what to say to make it feel any better. I can only give you a soul to soul hug.
((((( Katy ))))))
Ya know, something just feels wrong about this. I’ve read up the thread here, and I THINK I get the gist of it, but I also think you put way too much blame on yourself. We ALL make mistakes as parents and those of us that come from dysfunctional backgrounds that are pretty severe, are guaranteed to screw it up for our kids in some way. What I see here is that you tried to make it right after spath left. You were CONNED by an asshole, Katy. I know you love your daughter, from everything you’ve posted. With six of my kids I know that FIVE Of them know they were loved by me, despite my MANY blunders. And there are MANY. But each of them has said they felt and KNEW they were loved by me. Something that was NOT given to me AT ALL in childhood. But ya see, I also might have a spath for a son. He’s abusive, mean and just plain spathy all around. I’m doing everything I can for this kid, but much like yours, he has said he believes I don’t CARE about him. Doesn’t matter what i do or don’t do. I”ve apologized to my children for what I exposed them to and what I NEGLECTED to do for them. MOST of them are adults now. I see behaviors in choices of partners that were just like my own. THAT breaks my heart. THAT is MY doing, but it’s also theirs because I told them, they KNEW that the behaviors I did or didn’t do were WRONG. They know the difference between right and wrong. They also know that I know that what they’ve chosen is NOT healthy and that given my examples to them, they STILL CHOOSE IT. THEY ARE AWARE. It may or may not help them in the future.
Katy I can’t take back what I did. I can’t take back any mistake I made which were many. You can’t either. I hope you can forgive yourself and I think that maybe in the future, (I don’t know how old your daughter is), things may still change. I’ve had NC with one of my children a few times.
Katy, even if it’s true that we set the FOUNDATION for what they do or don’t do, they know what’s true and what’s not. What’s right and what’s not. I think your daughter knows you love her. Even if you have to go NC, don’t blame yourself for what are her choices and the possibility that YOU are the one she’s going to blame. I understand the need to take responsibility in how we parented our children and the mistakes we have made. But you can’t take it on forever. Even in apologizing to my children, I have reached the point where I won’t ALLOW them to blame me further. Or to victimize me doing it. They know how to change their situations. They know what’s unhealthy and what is. So does your child.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Seeing that makes me feel sad for you.
LL