UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
If I understand correctly you’ve read her teen diary which shows she painted you as a bad mother to other people. And you have talked with her recently and she says she never felt loved, not even in the time before her adoption by the spath? What does she say about the spath? How old is she now?
From what I got from your writing, you feel as if you failed her, you feel that it’s your fault.
I’m not sure whether you should shoulder the blame for yourself. Yes, sometimes the parent has a period where they let their child down, where the child feels obliged to be the caretaker of the adult. But if love and empathy was shown, the child knows that too. The child may feel resentment later in life for the period of neglect, but to negate the loving period altogether is a whole different thing.
Do you fear she may have sociopathic traits? Do you fear her upbringing did this? Or do you fear it’s genetics from your own family?
KD there is a happy ending to my story about my mom.
She is now 93 and has dementia. She requires 24/7 skilled nursing care and lives in a nursing home. On occasion she has remarkable windows of lucidity and when that happens I bring her home with me for the day.
One visit we were laying together in my bed (in her old room, I now live in my parent’s home where I grew up) and I asked her about that incident. She said yes it was true. I then asked her “arn’t you glad now that you have me”? We were laying with our arms around each other. She said “yes, and when I saw you, well you were just so damn cute I had to love you! “. 93 years old!! When I was younger, I COULD NOT STAND HER AND I AVOIDED HER. She changed due to her illness and I matured…
That moment is one of the best in my lifetime. It is NEVER too late. Had my mother not reverted to her child through her illness, she may have never come out with that because she was one stubborn woman!
Blessings to you today KD. I am off to the green house. All this talk of cherry trees has me weepy. And then to see my mother who is now the proverbial sweet little old lady. I feel now that when she passes I can truly let her go without any bad feelings and this give me great peace ….
Thank you to you all. I am finally stopping living this final lie, that my daughter loves me. B/c she doesn’t.
But like facing the truth about my spath, it is painful. Actually more painful than him b/c I could only have one kid, I lost all the others. And I did pour my heart and soul into being the kind of mom I wished I had. Part of the reason for thinking my spath was such a find. We lived teh Mayberry RFD life, and as long as I played the superficial housewife, there was no open strife with my husband. He became openly abusive when I started questioning the absences, the finances, why all the people who knew him always HATED me (didn’t just not like me, they actively were vicious to me), etc.
… but I was real to my daughter, NOT superficial. and I so wanted to think that depth of connection mattered. So now, my final leg of truth and no more pretending. She has nothing to do with my husband but she is just like him towards me. I think if I had to have admitted the truth of her when I was D&D by my husband, I would not be here today. Thanks for your kindness. Sorry to be so needy. If there is anything ya’ll can think for me to do. I am all ears. Another hurtful thing about going NC, it will probably be months, maybe not until her birthday that she will realize I’ve stopped contact. THAT’s how much I don’t exist for her.
LessonLearned: other than marrying an spath who lovebombed her, I can’t think of “mistakes” I did to her that I regret (part of the reason she stole my childhood identity…. b/c there was NO trauma in her history so that anyone would have exused her obligations, not even poverty.). I was and have remained a old fashioned devoted mom. But forgive me for not first thanking you for ALL of your response. It did make me cry. Yes, lots of good wisdom from you good people people. Thank you all.
There are some very heartfelt posts above. I think LL has nailed some very pertinent points.
I think that there is more to the hug thing. None of us at home were ever smacked. Mum and dad never fought. Our household (I grew up on a farm) was noisy yet peaceful and safe. So I cannot even begin to pretend that I can understand your situation.
It seems like you made the best of a very bad experience ”“ all credit to you for breaking the mould.
Our children can sometimes say very hurtful things, especially when THEY are hurting. Those things are said and they cannot be unsaid.
I don’t know the story relating to your husband however I’m thinking (rightly or wrongly-not sure if hubby was spath) that he perceived there was a kind of barrier. He obviously felt a connection at some point and maybe that was just a ’reason’ he gave knowing your past traumas.
Your daughter was a vulnerable age when you hitched up with spath. She may have felt like she took second place in your affections.
For what it’s worth I think you did a fantastic job of being mum. The important thing here is to keep your communication channels open with her and if/when she’s ready you can re-visit why she felt there was no connection.
I’m pleased that you found a job where you are happy and help others. Try not to get ’stuck’ on this one thing”..keep moving forward.
KD I agree with Candy-it is never too late.
Never in a million years would I have believed that I am actually so close to my mom now because at times I just detested her. There were so many things she did to undermine me as I was coming into my womanhood and she never supported me as a person because she was very selfish and it was all about her, always. But I won’t regale you with the war stories. Just know we can never predict what life brings us. Sometimes it’s a miracle that comes our way. I love her dearly now and for that I am grateful for yes, even her disease if that does not sound too crazy.
Our stories are very different but perhaps the outcome will be good for you also. I HOPE SO!!
We are all needy here KD. Don’t feel alone. I am sometimes so horrified by my posts about turd but I have to be so I won’t go back to that.
Hang strong gurl…
now I’m off…just wanted to make sure you are all right.
I have been wondering what my true values are now; what really matters to my integrity, to my sense of self, (for rebuilding my sense of self), and what and how do i need to be in life.
yesterday morning i was at a plant sale. (no code, i really was.) i was out in the miserable rain for hours at my community garden. met some new people, connected with some folks i have known for a couple of years and some i have just recently met.
….and it was easier.
i was less scared of people – i wasn’t focused on who was going to do what to me. i watched myself be a bit short with someone, because i was focusing on something i had to get done right away (and i later tried to mend that); i had a good tiny moment with someone i had never met before (around construction – it’s be a long time since i could use my hands to do anything and i have dearly miss those times); and i was able to gracefully step up to AND step away from certain jobs. i realize that i got elected to do a job that i didn’t expect to, and that i am cool with that (i just need to work out the parameters with the other people involved); and i had fun planting my own garden – the bit that still needed doing.
the social interaction WAS challenging…BUT i did have some control.
😉
…back to values: i am wondering what process i can use to determine this. i need a process.
i can write down the things i think about, and the things i actually do and say, and cross reference them- i think that would give me a list that would be both illuminating and depressing, but the process would probably give me some direction. …
does anyone know of a process for revealing and aligning values and actions that is kind and grounding?
Katy,
in trying to be fair to your daughter, I would have to ask her SPECIFICALLY to detail what about her childhood could have been different to make her feel loved.
My hypno-therapist asked me that under hypnosis and we created a scene for me that taught me to do that for myself, as a child. It was very interesting, but I digress. Anyway, I don’t know if I missed that detail. Did she say what exactly she resented about your mothering style?
Without dismissing that, I do need to add that, those words, “I don’t feel loved” without any context to explain them, are RED FLAGS. Spaths say that. Very commonly, they will tell us that we are bad for not loving them enough, knowing that we have this “guilt” thing built in that makes us want to bend over backwards loving the crap out of them – literally.
Maybe it is your fault. Maybe you were trying soooo hard to love her that the message she got was that you felt you couldn’t love her enough. Seems very backward thinking, to me, but I don’t discount anything anymore because, the spaths have shown me that their logic is a mirror image to ours. Do you think you spoiled her? Does she act like a spath in other areas of her life?
I know you are hurting and I empathize with you. I think you are somewhat like myself in that you try to “make sense” out of what has happened and why. So my questions and thoughts are simply my way of doing that.
Katy – you present the two children in your post as being very different – one who ached for love and care and didn’t get it; and one who was given love and care and didn’t ‘get it’.
are you confusing the two? your child self does not sound like her child self; and you cannot equate the two. the love you give her will not nurture your child self. and it sounds like loving her leaves you feeling very alone and abandoned.
can you find some ways to nurture yourself/ your child self that have nothing to do with giving love to others?
the things you wondered about being red flags, are red flags – but the motivation behind the actions depends on the person who is waving the stick.
I’m not sure what you are asking one/joy… do you mean values as in morals? or as dealbreakers? your focus in life?
darwinsmom – values: what matters to me, what is important to me, what matters to my integrity – what must i be doing (avocation, and so much more), how must i be approaching life?
my world axis tipped in the last couple of years. i have been trying to survive it. in surviving the spath i have had to do things and approach life in ways that i would not have before.
some of my values didn’t matter at all, as i had no way of manifesting them, and in fact, the level i was living at, i was expected to put up and shut up – messed up, ill people in poverty have fewer options, and so the choices we make don’t necessarily have much to do with our values, and living with PTSD hasn’t allowed me to live my values either – i had no control and no hope.