UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Hope to heal
Dear nolarn ~ I am so glad that you’ve had this breakthrough today!! This is such a big step in healing. (((((hugs))))) to you dear.
hens
)))))))shabbylicious((((((((
ElizabethBennett
Thanks ya’ll-one of the most difficult things for me to deal with is that is the way that I lost my virginity-something I was saving for that one person that I was in love with. At that point I had never been in love and I was very old fashioned about how I was planning to give that up. Not that I was planning to wait til I was married, but that I wanted it to be special because I felt like once I gave it up I could get it back-and that’s true. I feel damaged and that is where it just killed my self worth.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
nola – i am going to suggest something radical – that virginity is renewable. i know, not in the strictest sense, the physical – but that is just a bit of membrane. but i think we can renew ourselves, we can renew that precious gift that we give to someone we love.
i feel that i have done this in my life. i was very sexually active from my early teens forward – some of these experiences were about love and care and human need for intimacy and union and were as they should be. some were not. some were definitely not. i was a prostitute for a very short while, while i was in my late teens. it damaged me emotionally and sexually. but i renewed myself nola – i found my innate rightness and sensuality again, and was able to give it to another. when i was 26 i was with a woman i had no business being with. my whole body kept telling me NO. but i blundered on – it took me decades to give my heart and sexual self to another person after that, but i did, and it was beautiful. if you change our attitude about what what happened truly means about you, you can again become a person who waits and gives something precious to someone they love. our sexuality is constantly evolving, we renew and we can claim that as our own.
super chic
hens…
”“(¯`v´¯)”“_-(¯`v´¯)”“
-(¯`(♥)´¯)_-(¯`(♥)´¯)-
”“(_.^._)—_-(_.^._) ”“
-..—-|/——”“__|/——-
”“.—(l/)———(l/)——
—((██)).-. -((██)) _
ElizabethBennett
onestep-I believe that you’re right. I am saving it now and from now on until I find the right woman. I honestly thought that xbf was the last one that I would ever give it to but he played me and I almost felt revictimized when we broke up because he told me in the beginning during the lovebombing that I was the last woman he would ever have sex with (LIE) too. Now that I know that deep down I belong with women, I want the next time to be what I had initially planned for. When I’m ready to date I’m going to be looking for a partner-not just someone to fool around with and date. Hopefully I will find someone who will think that’s normal and agree that it’s not ok to go out and give it up to a whole bunch of women just cuz of hormones. It’s crazy but one of the reasons I got with that first turd to began with was that I was having trouble admitting to myself the attraction that I had for women since I was 11 years old. I couldn’t come clean with myself and knew that my parents wouldn’t accept it. I guess I had some crazy thought that if I had a boyfriend with two kids and I was playing the mom role, then that meant I was straight and not really into women.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hens and chic – you 2 are tooo sweet!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
nola – ‘when I’m ready to date I’m going to be looking for a partner-not just someone to fool around with and date. Hopefully I will find someone who will think that’s normal ‘ not HOPEFULLY, but DEFINITELY!
i have to go to bed- it’s late here and tomorrow is work.
hens
oh shabby you just made my night ~! 2 potted plants oh my….
one/joy_step_at_a_time
peace out all….
where’s LL these days?