UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Dear NOLARN,
Talking to a rape counseling group might be a lot better and safer bet for some counseling on this issue than a priest….even if the priest as a kind person, or a trained therapist…(not likely) I think you’d be better with the therapist that focuses on the issue.
As for the woman next door….why not just tell her that you’d rather not have any interactions right now…? Just be honest, “I’m uncomfortable around you right now and I think I’d just rather not converse with you.” Then cut her dead if she tries to talk to you, or another option is like I did my X-college buddy that I saw at the auction the other night. I said “Hi” but just kept on walking, didn’t slow down. Then when he came up and asked me a question, trying to start a conversation I just answered “I don’t know” and IMMEDIATELY turned and walked away without waiting for any response from him. It was APPARENT that I did NOT want a conversation with him from my body language alone if nothing else. So when she approaches you just say a couple of words and then turn and walk away.
With my son C I was somewhat more cordial, but kept the conversation short…and when he started wanting to “help” me and son D install our new hot water heater, almost insisted on helping, I declined his help CORDIALLY by saying “Well, I don’t know what our schedule is, but thanks for the offer.” I don’t trust either my son or my X-friend any longer or want either of them inside my “intimate circle” of trust and association…but I’m not afraid of either one coming and doing something bad to me, neither of them are psychopaths….just failed my test for HONESTY….but I do have to cooperate with my son C on several things to do with my P son and my egg donor so will continue to be cordial to him when I run into him by accident but that is the EXTENT and the TOTALITY of our relationshit.
So with the neighbor lady…just blow her off and quit worrying about her trying to put you down or make you feel small. she isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. PUt yourself first! Love Oxy!
Oxy-that’s what I’ve been doing with HER. I just didn’t feel right about being rude in front of her mother. Her mother is not part of the issue and she’s old. I was pleasant and polite when she spoke to me. Once SHE started talking though I tried to wrap up the encounter. I will say hello to her if I see her but I am no longer making any attempt at making friends with her. She is apparently playing that game-as some one else said, hot then cold. I don’t have time for games and at either one of our ages, we are too old for it-she’s 61 and I’m 38. We’re both too old for games. She looks WAY younger than her age and apparently acts way younger too. I want mature solid people around me-not someone playing high school games. One day she’s falling all over herself trying to talk to me and make contact, and the next day she just looks at me like if I were on fire and she had a glass of water, that she would drink the water. That is BS and I’m over it. That day after I went to Josh Groban she was particularly icy. I think there is a tiny bit of jealousy there. I was out having a good time with a friend and she was home alone. She’s going to continue to be alone because no one is attracted to that behavior and she isn’t interested in doing anything fun. I like fun in my life.
I will try to find an appropriate counselor but hopefully money won’t be too much an issue with that cuz I don’t have health insurance until I can get hired for a full time job. Then I can go back to my own MD for help with the weight/fitness and how to deal with my PCOS.
NOLa2Bcop
There’s a HUGE difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is what we feel when we know what we are about to do is wrong, and do it anyway.
Shame is a terrible demon. Shame is when SOMEONE ELSE does a terrible wrong and we feel humiliated for what THEY DID. Your shame demon is huge b/c you took the blame for an invasive soul attacking CRIME. You didn’t rape yourself. HE did. You didn’t violate your boundries. HE did. But you convinced yourself that you were to blame. That’s pure shame. I understand. We all want to avoid that helpless feeling that control was taken from us. I blamed myself for my rape b/c I got in the car. BUT just like getting in the car was NOT consent for rape, neither is drinking, or laying down on anyone’s bed (BTW, you describe CLASSIC signs you were drugged.). That rapist stole your ability to consent or decline the most intimate moment of your life. And then he further assaulted your senses (I think you were in emotional shock) by acting as if it were normal. I know other stuff was going on in your head because by then your rational thinking was compromised. You were suffering aftershocks as well as drug aftereffects. You just didn’t know it b/c you had NO guidance, NO councelor to tell you what to expect and to guard against. You were alone. All this makes me cry for you. It brings out the mama bear in me.
I do think you should contact a rape counselor. NOT a priest or any minister. Sorry to diss any church, but no matter what their policy about gay/straight, you’d be at the mercy of a HUMAN and whatever history or feelings or opinion they have and that’s NOT SAFE. No, truth is… church is not an emotionally safe place. Only time it is safe (R) is when you have an established relationship with the priest and know them well. Rape councelors are trained for this. I think a rape counselor will be able to direct you to a program for working through your rape. Based on your family history, you’ve given yourself messages that were full of shame. Now you have to undo that so you can free yourself… b/c the telling is a powerful START to healing.
You were vulnerable to your neighbor lady, maybe even feeling shame? She got into your head. LL, Shame is a consequence from dealing with spaths, not from truth. Your job is to be true to yourself by taking care of yourself. Try to see her as spath, and empower yourself over her. Have a plan. Oxy is so right about blowing her off and considering how she makes you feel, blowing her off would be VERY empowering to you. I think you feel victimized by her. She’s not your inner circle. You kicked her out. So follow up b/c as an unfeeling person, she’s not getting the message. I’m busy… I gotta go… I don’t have time… No… I don’t know… and NO EYE CONTACT…all grey rock replies.
ALL my best to you, truly LL, all my best.- Katy
I have been following this thread with interest and I have to say as a Catholic I can attest to the fact that not all priests are bad. It is challenging to me as a Catholic because I know that much damage has been done by the bad apples and there have been many.
If one understands the part in the history of the Catholic church which produced Vatican II then one knows that at that time many men were brought into the seminaries with a much more open ethos and many of those men were taught a service model: say mass, hear confessions, give the last rights, attend to the needs, community etc. An emphasis on personal consecration (holiness if you will) was put in the background regrettably so. Consequently, too many candidates who were/are psychologically and morally unsound were accepted into the priesthood.
What compounded the problem is that many fraternities swore allegiance to protect their brothers (as is common in police and firefighter fraternities etc.) and the perps were not properly dealt with.
Today, there is a movement in the seminaries to once again stress personal consecration and in every parish we are encouraged to use a hotline to report abuse whether it is sexual in nature or abuse of power.
Yes as it was pointed out the other day, the “Catholic church” -the institution which is corrupt, NOT the Body of Christ the community/people-has murdered a lot of people over the course of its history. Example, I am a Catholic and I have never murdered anyone. But, The church has produced some of the greatest saints that ever lived. St Francis of Assisi, St Bernadette of Lourdes, Mother Teresa of Calcutta.
St Maximillian Kolbe was in a concentration camp during WW2 like Viktor Frankl. He was a humble priest. He died because he traded places with a young man with a family who’s number had come up. The Nazi’s agreed to let the priest take the young man’s place. He told them since he did not have a wife or children it would be better if they punished him with the death sentence. He was killed in that camp by the Nazi’s. He was known to give his small portions of food away to his fellow prisoners. We don’t usually hear about the Father Kolbe’s of the world just the evil priests.
As a woman I work within the church to further the cause of women and to someday open to doors for female priests. I am a PROGRESSIVE Catholic. Also as part Native American I incorporate my Native spirituality with my Catholicism.
At any rate I felt I need to say this so that people know not all priest are bad. I know some wonderful one’s who are very sincere and caring men.
Adamsrib,
I am probably the one who mentioned that the Catholic church had burned more people at the stake for not conforming to their beliefs, but at the same time, some of my own ancestors were those that LIT the fires, and some where IN THE FIRES. It isn’t so much about religion (like with the militant Muslims now) as it is about VALIDATING a culture using “religion” as the covering authority.
The “ruling” or most powerful political and religious bodies have controlled and exercised control over the masses since we all lived in caves….putting to death or punishing those that disagreed with the controlling party/church/group….
Of course not all priests are bad, and probably there are even a some honest politicians as well…and the bad priests/ministers are NOT confined to the Catholic church or any other one denomination….any more than all corrupt politicians are Democrats or Republicans….abuse is an “equal opportunity” group…male, female, and of every persuasion under the sun! And, the “good old boy” network helps cover for them in both religious organizations and in professional ones as well.
adamsrib, I thinkif you scratch beneath the surface here you will find that there are many who share your views, or at least the hope for the messengers in the church.
(nola, forgive me, i am going to talk about you as if you weren’t in the the room to explain this.)
I think we are responding more (as i know i am) to nola’s situation and – her relationship with her family and the other spath’s in this scenario, coupled with the potential within that group of characters to roll up religion, social status and spath behavior into one nasty package and use it against her (or for her to do that to herself with those ingredients) I strongly believe she has nothing to ‘confess’ and that her sense of shame may be more directly helped at a sexual assault center.
Katy-thanks. I already feel better this morning about things. I am going to call the sexual assault center and get someone from there to talk to. I think you are right too, about the difference between guilt and shame. I did see HER this morning when she was leaving for work. I opened my door for my morning inspection of our beautiful whether, right after getting up and she was leaving early. I saw her out of the corner of my eye as she was locking her door and I immediately turned my head to my phone and started checking my email and didn’t look up.
I do almost feel victimized by her a little bit because I think she was trying to plant those suicidal ideations in me weeks ago. Everytime I start to feel anything for her then she starts acting spathy and it’s obviously not going to change. She apparently has serious issues.
I feel like encouraged by the fact that it came out yesterday when I wasn’t expecting it. My first reaction was to tell it to my father but knew that would be a bad idea so I started pretending like I was telling him and just spoke it out loud and that’s when the waterworks started. Yesterday afterward, I still felt really HEAVY and BURDENED for the rest of the day. Today I feel better and hope that in dealing with this, it will help the weight start coming off so I can be what I want to be for my police academy. I got the PT test off the website yesterday and now I have something to work towards. I bummed cuz I can’t go this year but I know now that I need to step it up whenever I’m not working. I have to get all this dealt with now so that when I have my psych eval, then they won’t DQ me and feel like I can’t handle it.
Adamsrib-I understand what you are saying and I agree. I started out in that faith and was christened that way. My N mother yanked me out of it before I even had a chance to make my first communion and tried to force me into some extreme evangelical crap that just scared me. I have always wanted to be back in the Catholic faith and it has been something I strongly considered since moving back to NOLA, since the huge majority religion in our city is Catholic and so much culture that we practice is based on it. The only issue is that once I came back out and became comfortable with the issue that I love women, it won’t be a good move, and the Episcopal church will be better option-where I feel more accepted.
AdamsRib
I am a practicing Catholic. My advice to NOLaRn was not to diss the church, but to guide her. Fact is, priests are human. Our church has had good priests and reallly BAD priests (2 pedophiles), as well as one so rigid that a person committed suicide b/c the priest condemned a severely depressed abused woman to hell. My advice stands. NoLa needs a rape councelor, not an unknown person who is a priest. I am sorry if you thought such advice was a judgement on the church, I did not mean it to be. I only intended to advise seeking specific help from someone specifically trained to provide that help.
Personally, it is my Catholic faith that has saved me. I was raised Southern Baptist and converted. Some have said that those of us who are converted are much more “catholic” b/c we went through processing a choice, rather than just practicing faith as the habit of our life from childhood. I don’t know if that is true, but I can tell you that my faith is not habit, but my committed conscious connection to God. At the same time, I have personal views that are not in line with the big C… that there is more than one road to God, and I respect and appreciate other religions as well. That’s all I will say about my religion. and I hope you understand I was not disparaging the Catholic faith when I recommended a rape counselor before a priest. – Best, Katy
Nola many gays are very deeply sincere PRACTICING Catholics. My third son (I have “adopted” him because I love him like a son) is gay and is a Eucharistic minister. Everyone knows he is gay but we SEE HIS HEART. He told me the other day he gave up the clubs and bar scene because he did not want any of the folks he is administering the Eucharist to, to know he was out there. But isn’t that true for any of us that are in faith service whether straight or gay?? I applaud him. I wish more clergy had his attitude. But he is looking for a partner in the church and I pray he finds the right guy! 🙂
As an evangelical yes I would have told you the same ol sheet about God’s opinion on gays. That was because in those days I THOUGHT I KNEW THE MIND OF GOD. Now that I am a grad student of Theological Studies I understand that NO ONE KNOWS THE MIND OF GOD!!
I say find a parish, start attending mass and don’t worry about what others say. It is not like the evangelical thing (although I will say this there is a large amount of religious right in the Catholic faith BUT a lot of progressives too) where we were not allowed to be adults and make our own decisions pertaining to our lives.
Go for it NOLA. I believe it will help give you great peace.