UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
I made a mistake today. N mother sent a text and an email. I deleted the text and ignored it but later on in the day I got some bad news that my work for the next two days is cancelled and I needed that money BAD. She sent the email and I went OFF and responded in all capital letters and told her never to call, email, or text again and said it would be nice if you could respect my boundaries for once in your life and that she has 4 other children, not me. Sure enough I received a response to that email several hours later trying to make me feel guilty. I shouldn’t have responded but I was already mad and now I’m even MORE MAD. I am just freakin irate right now!!!
Dear NoLarn,
I know it is easy enough to get your trigger pulled when you are raw, but your best bet is the calm yourself and THINK before you RE-act to your N-egg donor or any other person who is triggering.
Take a deep breath and stop and THINK before you let your humming bird ass over come your buzzard beak! Or is it the other way around! LOL
Seriously, YOU are the one keeping the drama going by responding to the provocations, so YOU CAN STOP IT. You are NOT powerless. GRAB THAT POWER and use it for your own benefit! (((hugs))))
Oxy-I knew you were going to say something like that. I have an appt next Monday with a sexual assault counselor.
lmhbao
Dear Nolarn,
Yep, you know me pretty good, but at least I didn’t boink you! (((hugs)))) You ARE stronger than you know, and I know how hard it is to not let them trigger us and re-spond that way….but YOU CAN TAKE CHARGE of your life and I really do want you to. I’ve been sexually assaulted and didn’t deal with it for eons myself, so I know how hard it is to start to deal with it, but I also know that you can do it. I KNOW YOU ARE STRONGER than even you think you are, so do what you have to do! I think seeing the counselor is a GREAT START to you taking care of YOU. It may be a long, slow process but you can’t do it until you start and I think you are already making a great start! First was acknowledging that it needs to be addressed (getting out of denial) and then getting the counseling appointment…getting some part time work lined up (sorry you got canceled but you’ll get some work so hang on) I think you are getting your DUCKS IN A ROW! Good going!
Thanks Oxy for that. Now if I can just get the neighbor lady issue under control. I am just so mad at her for the way she is. I’m mad at her for making me like her and for her f-ing with my mind and I’m angry with her for being a spath when I liked her so much. And I’m angry with her for being a cold bitch.
nola hon- you wanted to be distracted from your pain and fear (job and money), so I think you responded to your mom to get into the drama that was strong enough to distract you.
so, just do a bunch of breathing and posting until you balance again. k? good.
ammended to say: I do this sort of thing, also. except i usually create really small dramas to escape the big ones. that’s what over eating is about for me; i get into a whole drama about my weight the affect of that in my life and on body; and i feel like a loser because it is hard to tackle the actual impulse to eat – which is the impulse to run while standing absofuckinglutely still – it is the third option, between fight and flight – FREEZE. I think it may be quite a natural coping mechanism for those of us who have been abused when we were young and had no power to leave or fight. So, there i am on the hamster wheel inside my head, with the ADDED bonus of hurting myself through repetitive negative thoughts! Bonus! nothing better than punishing yourself for not being able to stop something. Sound familiar?
Writing this MY belly is unfreezing.
Dear Nolarn,
I think that One/Joy may be on to something here, and you are falling back into a FAMILIAR pattern of drama-rama and being upset with someone else’s behavior because they didn’t meet your expectations of them as a distraction from the thing you really fear…the loss of the job, finances, etc.
OK the neighbor lady is a “witch”—and she didn’t meet your expectations of a lover/friend/relationship—so farking what? It isn’t important right now….look at the things that ARE important in the “great scheme of things”—-and being continually upset/angry/mad/in high drama is NOT one of those important things. Being calm, rational, quiet, good to yourself….those ARE important things. Breathe, breathe! Relax! Put on some meditation music, lie down on your back on your bed and start feeling your toes, just your toes….experience your toes, then your feet, then ankles and so on….concentrate on relaxing each set of muscles, joints, breathe and relax….find that calm, peace and focus on the NOW, just the sensations of your body against the bed, the air around you…find that PEACE. Get used to it. Make it part of you. (((hugs))))
nola – i just added a piece to my above post to you, that i think may be important.
Oxy-I’ll do that when it’s time to go to bed. I am trying to calm down. It’s just so frustrating not having money and it’s hard to go out and do things to distract me or hang out with people with no cash. It would be easier to not focus on this woman if I wasn’t here in the evenings all the time with her on the other side of the wall. It was so nice when I was able to go to the Josh Groban concert and enjoy that beautiful voice and not come home til late and then go to bed and didn’t think about her being around all evening. I am just frustrated and I can’t relax. I can’t wait to get to talk to the counselor next week and start working on getting this issue under control.