UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
SK,
On Mother’s Day, my ex spath pulled the same crap, while he’s living with a new woman now. Two Mother’s day ecard saying he was hoping I was well and having a great mother’s day.
Can you say BAIT? Yep, I’ve been reeling about it ever since, although it’s calming down a little bit now.
I had to learn again not to read that stuff. It’s hard. But it’s a major set back. Mine wants to pretend nothing ever happened, others believe another triangulation set up attempt.
Yours is doing no less. IF he wasn’t wanting you to react, he wouldn’t send such a stupid thing.
Just ignore it.
LL
Superkid-I agree with everything dancingnancies just said-that was great. Deleting everything w/o reading or acknowledging it is the best thing. I ended up responding to my N mother yesterday and it ruined my day, so PLEASE don’t do it.
Dear SK,
Ditto, what you are feeling is normal and every time you listen/read a single word from him or have contact (look at his face book page etc) you open yourself up to having more pain.
NO CONTACT. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH, NADA—-IS THE WAY TO GO. It will PROTECT YOU from the pain.
When you start to think about him, STOP! Say to yourself. “I do not want contact with him, I want to take care of myself.” Then do something good for yourself, and that includes stopping renting him space in your head…either good or bad. Kick him out!
They send little messages because they want to maintain control and to think that if they decide they need you they can reel you back in.
BE STRONG, you are stronger than you know! (((hugs)))
Wow, Superkid…
How twisted….”I am back with my ex, rebuilding, but I miss you”?!!!
WTF?!
Think of it as fishing. And what is the central instrument of fishing?
The hook.
And what does the hook have on the end?
A barb! Sharp and designed to make it very painful for you to disengage.
Mine did the same thing as yours…was living with some 18 year old pregnant hood chick and texted me asking for reconciliation! Begged me for forgiveness using my concerns for him as bait: “You were right. The streets will kill me. I will always love you. Please don’t leave me.”
And so as not to offend anyone, when I say hood chick, I mean a girl from the ghetto who prides herself on her loud mouth, lack of manners, ability to fight, to get pregnant repeatedly and to have a man—any man—in her bed at night…no matter who he has been with during the day.
Sorry, folks, but that is hood culture in Philly.
Anyway, the game never ends unless we end it.
For me, I forwarded his text to this girl asking her to keep a tighter rein on her man. I’m sure that caused some problems for him…which was my intention.
It took me awhile to understand that the round and round with these people will never stop unless we remain NC. They have no motivation to end it..why should they?! It is entertainment for them in a sick, pathetic way. The more we suffer, the more control they feel they have. They take a perverse joy in our downfall.
As to missing him, it takes time to have your head reconcile your heart. What I mean is that you will learn a lot here and from reading The Betrayal Bond and The Gift of Betrayal. That will all take home in your head. In your heart, you may still long for the good times you experienced with your ex. Until your head and heart come together on what exactly you experienced.
What I have come to terms with is that as much fun as my ex and I had, a lot of it was designed to reel me in. It was not the genuine enjoyment of two people in love. One of us was having fun, the other of us was strategizing.
It hurt to realize this but it did pull my head and my heart more in tune with each other.
Any contact with your ex will only confuse you and make it harder for you to see things for what they are, and to begin the healing process. ANY contact.
How do I know this? Because I did it. I was cruising along just fine, in pain but healing. I ignored his calls.
Then he upped the ante and showed up at my workplace. And he wore me down. I listened to him. I forgot to remember that it was all lies.
And you know what? Nothing had changed with him. Nothing will change with him. Again, there is no motivation for change as long as he can succeed at what he does.
I just can’t let him succeed with me.
And you can’t let your ex succeed with you.
The pain does lessen, bit by bit, day by day.
Ox Drover, LL, 2bcop, dancingnancies,
Thank you for your encouragement. I can’t believe how much a simple email just knocks me out emotionally.
I feel anger and sadness and desire… it’s all at the surface again, and I’m finding myself wanting to respond – THANK YOU FOR INTERCEPTING! It’s so much easier to “see” what to do when it’s not you who is affected.
LL, I read all your posts on Mothers Day – your shock, your anger, your pain and I was rooting for you to not respond.
I feel tremendous pain when I watch him from behind the curtain, it’s almost as much as when I engage with him directly. I have to stop watching. I don’t know why it hurts **so** much. I loved him so much, and I got nothing in return. I meant nothing to him.
2bcop, I now know when my mom pings me she wants something. Money, attention, whatever. I always hope she is going to say she loves me, and it never comes.
THANK YOU. Hugs are received and appreciated.
Superkid
Trimama
Hey, wow, interesting thing – the hook, the barb analogy. I really need to examine this. Why do they reach out the way they do. I want to just throw up.
Superkid
Superkid-my mother is awesome at saying I love you but it is twisted, manipulative and she is really loving herself because she sees me as an extension of herself. If your mom is how you describe, than just continue to NC her as well. I am NC’ing quite a few people at this point and there’s nothing wrong with that-is Oxy says, it’s taking care of yourself and that’s what we all need to do. Keep taking care of yourself. 🙂
Trimama,
Good for you, girlfriend!!! Great motivational post to SK! Hang in there!!!!
Superkid,
(((hugs)))
One thing that kept me “sane”, if you can call it that, during the first 5 months of the break away from spath, is READING AND LEARNING. It just didn’t stop. I kept learning and learning, it was so cathartic. Mostly, I read about spaths. at that time I wasn’t trying to learn about me or why I was spath-food. That came later, as it slowly seeped into my brain, as I was learning about spaths, that there was a connection.
I read this excellent book by John McCrone.
http://www.amazon.com/Myth-Irrationality-Science-Mind-Plato/dp/078670067X
The myth of irrationality.
It isn’t about spaths, it’s about brains. This guy is a freaking genius. His emphasis is on linguistics. His most famous book is “The ape who spoke”, but I haven’t read it.
Keep yourself busy learning about them and you will feel less compelled to actually contact him. This seems to work because your curiosity is satisfied by the information you get from books. You get lots of AHA! moments, so you don’t need to seek him out for his drama. That’s my take on it anyway. Others may disagree but it worked for me, somewhat. I’m not going to say it wasn’t hard. God helped alot too.
Today was my 2 year anniversary of escape from the spath and I was triggered by it. Lots of memories flooded back. I was jumpy all day. it sucked. I actually went out with my shirt on inside out.
http://www.sott.net/articles/show/228663-The-Unexamined-Victim-Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths
great article by sandra brown, author of “women who love p’s”