UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Thanks for the excellent article, Skylar.
SKylar, thanks for the laugh and excellent post. I’ll read it. Yes, I think one of the reasons I did keep pursuing my spath is because I was, like, WTF? But it never ever makes sense. I look forward to the book. You rock.
Superkid
it’s a great book “women who love P’s”, skylar, period. It’s the first I bought so far for 14$ in relation to spaths and no regrets about it at all.
If you like brain books, sky, I can recommend “blink” by Malcolm Gladwell. And in my studies we had a must read intro book about cognitive science.
Hi, dancingnancies,
I just re-read your entry and it struck home for me.
See, he’s been reaching out to me again. It is his pattern: let a few weeks go by to allow me to get past my anger at him, then begin the campaign.
And though I’ve put space between us, seeing his number come up on my phone still sends me into this emotional hailstorm. The physical reaction is telling: I become short of breath, I feel this overwhelming fear and anxiety, my heart races.
I KNOW to answer in any way—to acknowledge him—puts me right back where I have just struggled so hard to put behing me.
I KNOW that his outreach is not about any concern for me but about his needing something. And I am the reliable one who makes sure he is good.
I have been the constant in his life for four years.
I KNOW what I will hear if I allow contact: “I will always love you. I miss you. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.”
I KNOW all of this.
Yet, still it’s a struggle. I think things like, “Just one text in reply. I’ll tell him to leave me alone” or “what harm can a call back do?”
Logically, that should not be the case. There should not be any question as to responding to him. This man has done more to harm me than anyone ever could. He will not change that pattern. So to allow any sort of contact is to invite that chaos and pain. And to begin the healing process all over again. Each time I do allow contact and go back to him, it is harder and harder to come out of it. I feel weakened by each reconnection with him, less able to care for myself afterwards.
So I came back here to read what you all offer in the hopes of reinforcing my resolve.
Trimama~ You did the right thing coming here. Stay strong on the NC!
He is NOT WORTHY of you!! You know, in your heart, what lies behind that mask of his… cold, calculating, monster. We’ve started calling my husband’s ex-spath SSV, short for soul sucking vampire. It gives a pretty good visual to the feeling generated by any contact with IT.
NC is the way to freedom!! (((hugs)))
H2H
Dear H2H,
You’re right…he is NOT worthy of me. Anyone who knows the two of us says the same thing….and most can’t possibly know the devastation he has brought.
And it IS a mask. A mask of sincerity and concern and seduction all designed to pull me back in.
I remind myself that he DID not call me out of any place of concern for me. He called because he needs something, maybe as simple the warmth and stability and nurturing that I offer when his world is out of control.
But the cost to me is exponential.
I am learning after this last time of going back that it gets harder and harder to emotionally disengage from him. It is as if repeated exposures weaken my ability to manage this and increase the pain.
He will not change. I repeat this to myself over and over. He says he will, but his actions demonstrate repeated lying and cheating. And some unbelievable manipulations. The man is a master at deceit. I can’t live a life with someone like that. I tried, repeatedly. It about destroyed me.
I appreciate your support. I needed it badly. I can sound as if I ‘get’ this stuff verbally, but emotionally it is a whole other story.
Thank you, H2H!
Dear Trimama ~ Is there a way that you can block his text or phone calls? I have heard that some cell providers will block numbers, and I think there are apps available for some smart phones to allow you to do it yourself.
NC is definitely easier said (typed) than done. The thing is, you CAN do it.
It will help to remember that all he wants to do is FEED off of you, to drain the energy and/or life force right out of you. Don’t let this parasite anywhere near your precious soul!!
Dear H2H,
I checked with ATT. They can block a specific number, and I have done that.
But they can’t block calls coming in from a private number, at least on Blackberrys. And that is how he does it with me now.
I appreciate the suggestion. It feels good just to know that someone else who gets it also cares.
This can be such an isolating experience.
Few people can believe all the stuff that has gone on.
Thank you!
Dear Trimama ~ I have posted to you twice & it has not shown up. this is a test.
EDIT to add: Wow, that was strange. I had to log out and log back in before it would let me post.
I was trying to tell you that I had checked my cell phone & there is an option under phone settings that allows blocking of specific numbers, or any number not in the contacts list. It might be worth a look. 🙂
Dear Trimama,
CHANGE YOUR NUMBER….I know that is a pain in the butt, but do it, make it so he CANNOT contact you….give your number out only to those that you KNOW will not give it to him. You must cut off contact, his ability to contact you. It is like an addiction….you can’t expect a drunk to work in a bar, or be around people who are drinking and not drink…especially at first, so look at it like you are kicking an addiction because actually THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING….your body responds like a crack addict to the sight and smell of the drug…..you know it is bad for you and yet, your body/mind graves it.
Hang on and block that number….no matter how much trouble it is, just block it. ((((Hugs)))) and remember Jessica!!!!! (((hugs))))