UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
trimama – maybe you can block private numbers right on your blackberry. i blocked all private numbers on my actual phone.
Thanks you guys!
I will work on this with the phone tonight, and call ATT tomorrow for further assistance.
Yes, Ox, very much like an addiction. I have said that this man is like heroin….seductive and briefly pleasurable but with the certain outcome of danger and personal devastation.
And as with heroin, I am left with the painful longing in between the highs.
I have been reading the AA Twelve Step book to address this as an addiction. And it helps.
Reading, prayer, blogging, talking with my circle of support, taking classes and looking after me is my current ‘treatment’ plan. I have always exercised and eaten well. I have just stepped it up a notch since coming out west, and eliminated meat and increased the exercise. I feel physically well.
And funny you should mention crack addict because my ex has dabbled in that. He doesn not seem as addicted to crack as many of the folks I have seen but it is surely his thing, along with angel dust and daily ‘herb'(pot).
Trimama,
You are an adult woman, and I can tell you are sharp and smart, so it is up to you to take advantage of those smarts and USE THEM to over come this “addiction” to this “drug” which is TOXIC….it will kill you. It is your choice though. Your support group and the people here at LoveFraud can talk til we are blue in the face, but in the end it is UP TO YOU, what you DO…if you use your smarts to have a good life or if you decide to throw it away on trash like him.
He made the choice to be like he is, to do the drugs and abuse others….he had a choice. He has chosen to continue to live like he does. You have the same choice he does. YOu can abuse yourself (by allowing him to abuse you, probably eventually kill you) or you can stay away from him.
If you had a child, say 13 or 14 years old that was in love with this guy, what would you do to keep her away from him? I think you would do anything from lock her in a room to chaining her to the floor to keep her away from him. So pretend the child is YOU and then treat yourself as well as you would your own child, take care of that “inner child” that needs your protection, and PROTECT HER!
Trimama,
You said, I KNOW that his outreach is not about any concern for me but about his needing something. And I am the reliable one who makes sure he is good.
I have been the constant in his life for four years.
And,
Iremind myself that he DID not call me out of any place of concern for me. He called because he needs something, maybe as simple the warmth and stability and nurturing that I offer when his world is out of control.
These are the FALSE lies and slime he has left you with and it is THESE thoughts of your perceptions of what you were to him that will suck you into his vortex if you allow yourself to attribute HONEST, WARM, CARING to this man. ALL OF THAT IS FAKE. Always has been, always will be. He doesn’t have the CAPACITY to feel ANY Of that as his reasons for contacting you. It’s about power and control ONLY, to DESTROY You because he wasn’t done doing that yet. THAT is the truth of this man. Not some warm apple pie in his heart when he thinks of you.
You’re the reliable one that makes sure he’s good? He’s never BEEN good, not to you or anyone else. You’re reliable SUPPLY, as well as any other woman he’s been boinking on YOUR reliability. You are also not the only one who’s been a constant in his life for four years, Chica. He has LOTS OF CONSTANTS!
He didn’t call you for warmth and stability because his world is out of control, quite the contrary. He HAS HAD the control OF YOU and I’m sure many more. He doesn’t sense that his world is “out of control” what he senses is that you are no longer available to CONTROL.
Work really hard to change these thoughts, Chica.
When you think this way, you’re projecting HOW YOU WOULD FEEL OR HOW YOU THINK HE FEELS IN HOW YOU”D FEEL BEING DUMPED OR OUT OF CONTACT.
He could care less. If anything, he’s enraged because he doesn’t have control over YOU anymore.
He only wishes to harm you.
You must really remember that. Don’t attribute normal human emotions to an ABNORMAL human being.
LL
OMG, LL!
You made clear what I have not been able to get past: that there is any degree of warmth in this man.
He does NOT care about me, nor need me to make his world right.
He only needs to assert dominance.
I see what you are saying.
I need to print out and ponder your words…and I so appreciate you taking the time to articulate them the way you did.
You helped me, LL.
And yes, Ox, if this was my daughter, I would stop whatever I was doing to watch her 24/7 to keep her from a man like this.
I did not consider myself as in danger, though it seems so to you from what I’ve said.
I always had a way out, I thought.
And I sense your alarm. We can both see that I get some things right but in regard to other things, my thinking is skewed.
I appreciate your patience.
Dear Trimama,
If your daughter were going with him you would see her being in danger, yet you don’t give yourself that same concern or caring, do you? So yes, there is a problem here somewhere.
Let’s see—no danger to you, right? He tried multiple times to strangle you….yea, check, no danger there. He is an ex convict, yep, that’s a big chance he is a full fledged scores 30 or more psychopath, but no danger there either, just a psychopath. And of course there are the multiple drugs he does that cloud lhis mind and judgment….yep, not any danger there either.
Yep, I guess you are NOT in any danger from this man so maybe he will make you happy, and quit the drugs, quit trying to strangle you, quit lying, quit cheating on you, maybe it will all work out and you will live happily ever after.
I guess you can tell the above is “tongue in cheek”—of course you are in DANGER from this man, just like Jessica was in danger from my son but she didn’t see it…..any more than you don’t see it for YOURSELF, but if it was your daughter you would drop everything to protect her from this DANGEROUS MAN.
YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR DAUGHTER—you deserve to be protected. Yes, I am frustrated that you don’t see this, but I care enough about you to keep on preaching til my fingers fall off or your get it through your head that YOU need to protect YOURSELF. ((((Hugs)))) I can’t climb through the screen and keep you safe, only you can do that. I also realize that you are just as addicted to him as a person on heroin or crack or meth is….and I realize that ONLY YOU can make your decisions.
You’ve made some good ones—moving away—-but going NO contact, change that phone # is the next step!!! ((((Hugs))) YOu cdan do it!
trimama, yes. And here’s the good thing, your feelings in response to his attempts at contact are PROTECTING you. And validating them, and enforcing your resolve is also a learning process, because you are listening to your gut. No doubt you will feel uneasy and perhaps even experience some anxiety whenever you become aware he is attempting another hook-in. It’s your body’s internal wisdom alarming you of the P as dangerous to your survival and health. Remember that, he is a danger to your well-being.
Doesn’t it feel good to finally to toe in/align your actions with your feelings? So many times before it was just that empathy, that feeling weak in the knees as to give in ( and this in itself was set off by their relentless guilt trips, their “Poor me!”s calculated precisely in order for your heartstrings to wax for their own gain ) in spite of your own well-being. In spite of your internal knowledge ( intuition ) that you should not associate any longer with an entity that only seeks to feed on and undermine you. No more. Their M.O. is PREDATION. You are nothing but prey to them, and you have wised up. Good on you. You will be stronger for this, and not to mention finally experience a sense of peace without their toxic, leeching presence in your life.
In maintaining NC, you take back control of your life, that which is RIGHTFULLY yours. Towanda!
<3
((((((((( Trimama ))))))))))))
You’re welcome! It’s a process and it takes awhile.
I had an incident happen yesterday that really showed me what my spath is. Amazing stuff. Half of what you think in the warm fuzzy department is not AT ALL what it is with these people!
I realized that our perceptions are critical to how this is all processed. It’s about understanding HIM, but also understanding yourself and how you think and feel. You’re a warm, loving human being.
Think the polar opposite and there is your spath.
LL
Well, gang I’m kind of under the weather today so I’m gonna go to beddie by and read a while and go to sleep…see you in the morning!