UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Dear Meg,
CONGRATULATIONS!!! A job the first day! In this economy that is AWESOME, and at something that you would enjoy, helping others with your talents. MONEY AIN’T EVERYTHING!
Maybe you can get a part time job at Starbucks or somewhere else and make abit of extra money on the side to help make up for the low pay at the job you will love!
You know what, keeping yourself BUSY might help too, keeping you from thinking “too much” about what “you lost”—and you are RIGHT, honey, you didn’t lose anything except a big “Spathole” as Henry says! TOWANDA GF!!!!!
thank you sooo much for your support Oxy—
warmth and love to you—
Meg;
It is a start and you need that “first step”. You never know where it may lead you. One connection to another. I have kept you in my prayers. Everytime I hear this song on the radio, “Things will get better in time”, I always think of you. I say a prayer for your healing. God has kept you on my heart for some reason. You sound like such a wonderfully talented person. It is so wonderful that you had the opportunity to live out your dream job! You have to realize that it is because of your artistic spirit and loving kindness that you accepted the S and loved unconditionally. You are capable of love and that is a magnificent gift. I know you feel that you have had everyhting taken away from you. You have had a lot that’s for sure. But sometimes God gives us these cleansing opportunities to embrace our faith and clean out what is not working for us. We have to be true to ourselves and honest. Maybe we were not living as well as we thought even though we thought we had it all. As Matt suggested I too am in the process of making new friends. I did not have well defined boundaries and assumed that if someone said something I took it as truth until they proved otherwise. Yes, we were betrayed by a professional con artist and S. We were unarmed. But it comes down to this, When we insist on staying in this place of hurt and depression we are saying that we do not trust God to guide us out of this place and when we will not let go and want revenge we are saying “God, move over; I want to do your job.” It is not up to us. Vengence is his. It has been a very difficult lesson for me to learn but one that has been driven home. I am not the one in control and I do not need to be. Faith, that is what is left when all else is taken away. Take care.
Meg and All, Here is a prayer for you tonight from a book my Mom gave me called You’ll Never Walk Alone.
“God, I bring you each of my concerns this day. As I name them right now, help me release them into your care. As you carry them in your capable hands, I will leave them there and enjoy freedom from anxiety. Thank you for walking with me today and for being so attentive to the things that are on my mind. Amen”
Amen Oxy! You are a wise and wonderful woman.! You got the lesson and are a true testament to us all! Thanks!
Meg – Glad to hear about your positive day. Something to consider, to include on your journey…who knows where it may lead you! And I liked your insighfulness about what really was lost —
Truebeliever – Your post to Meg is full of love and warmth and truth – I was touched by reading it. And thank you for sharing the healing prayer that reminds us we never really walk alone and we can get through anything with our faith.
learnthelesson;
Thank you. You are always so kind and encouraging. I enjoy reading all of your posts. You have learned the lesson! You certainly inspire us everyday. I am grateful for your words as well. 🙂 Take care.
Meg- I’ve worked with the elderly before too- it is very rewarding- sometimes that is the most important thing.
A really tough day for me. I opened the paper this morning to the Obits and saw that the S’s father died on Sunday. I’m not totally sure why, but this has hit me really hard. I’ve never met his father, but he sounded like a neat guy-played music with Mel Torme in his younger years (I think he was about 88). I guess I just wish I could be there to comfort him -dumb isn’t it? It just takes me back to the good things about him- the good times we had. And I guess I even feel sorry for him (why are we like that?- I guess because we have a conscience)- his father’s death is right on the heels of his five day suspension from work that might be leading to him being fired. Anyway, I broke the NC rule and sent him an e-mail. And I wonder (again why?) if he would have ever contacted me to tell me about his Dad if I did not see it in the paper.
And the topic of this thread “don’t take it personally” is really timely for me. I found myself thinking self-destructive thoughts today. Why wasn’t I good evough? pretty enough? sexy enough? etc. Even though I know what Ss are all about and I read and re-read “The Sociopath Next Door”,and this blog sometimes I still feel like the problem was me.
We have to realize that not only was the discard and devalue not personal, but also the love and attention they lavish on us in the beginning is not personal either. These creatures may find us attractive, but the love and promises are all fake. Even snakes and insects can be attracted to other snakes and insects. If we place our self-worth on the so-called love we got from them, we are left wondering what we did to drive them off. Were we too old? Too ugly? NONE of it was ever real. The love was not real to begin with. They are like steamrollers. They are going to just roll through a random person’s life, preferably one who is kind and forgiving, and ruin it. The names change–the story is the same.
Blindsided, I didn’t even read your post before I posted…..
Now that I have, I found myself for a while thinking about the good times when the S and I were together. As short a time as it was, they were all good times. The bad times happened when we were apart–the lying and discarding…..So I was left with a lot of positive memories. This is one of the things that made it so hard to let go. My memory tricked me into thinking he really loved me. So when I would remember, I would long for him too, which was dangerous.
Time is a great healer because the memories fade. Every once in a while, I will hear a song and a memory will come back. But I have had so much distance from it that I can cut off the thought and all the emotions before they even start. It’s really tragic what these creeps do to us. They even rob us of our memories! Because the memories of the good times are not real! They were not based on genuine caring.
Stargazer….I’m up later than usual…saw your post. I thought about you today…good thoughts.
blindsided31…my mother passed away in 2007 on Easter morning. My first wife…divorced 30+ years ago, sent a simple card…and it was appreciated…time heals. My recent ex-tox…no card, but a verbal “sorry about your mom”…one night when she picked up my daughter. It was ok.
My parents were good people…I knew I was loved…a great gift.
My ex=tox’s mom has been in a nursing home for 1-1/2 years. The time will come…she’ll get a card from me. I’ll express my sympathy to my daughters for the loss of their last grandmother.
It’s ok…you’ll be ok….wishing you peace tonight.
Love, Jim