Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
newworldview-
Nice!
OxD and Jane-Thanks for the support. What did people do before this website? It is so healthy for me to get it off my chest and to receive support.
Birdie, I know you need this liar out of your life, but realize these guys can con the cops, they can con the courts, and they can con social services. It’s better if you try to keep him in your line of sight, like a snake in your backyard, because chances are if he pushes for it, he will get visitation rights.
I’ve been pondering a particular thought, idea in the last few days so allow me to share it with you:
I was wondering, what is the fascination with wanting to see, talk, be with a PDI after realizing, coming to terms with the fact that he/she is a predator?
That he/she seemed to be on a mission to destroy not only ourselves, but our intrinsic goodness, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, our beautiful souls yet…..we yearn to be a part of their lives in some way even though we were once (or still) torn, bruised and broken by their malicious, selfish abuse.
Is it really love or is it maybe our hopes in wishing to fix whatever is inherently wrong with our Xs? That maybe if the unchangeable predator is completely receptive to how naturally good, kind and loving we are that they will do a total turn around and become good themselves?
I don’t know, but that sounds like wishful, deluded thinking. And yes, I’ve been many times guilty of wanting a different outcome than the one that was delivered upon me.
But in hindsight, I consider my stubborn, arrogant, foolish notions to be a waste of my precious time and energy in regards to altering a pathological person. It can’t be done. Not by me and not by you, maybe not even professional therapists/Doctors/clinicians.
As I have unburdened myself, surrendered my cares and worries to the Lord years ago, so shall I in leaving the PDIs in his most competent hands.
I probably don’t really have much to offer LoveFraud except for compassion, care, love and concern for the members who are still reeling with discovery and emotional suffering. And I don’t wish to offend anyone with my silly, mischievous humor as that would be cruel in my mind.
I’m continuing my journey of striving to live a Holy Spirit driven, righteous life, wanting to share the boundless love of the Lord that is manifesting through me, to any and all who wish to listen, who wish to share of themselves also.
As my comments have shown, I am healed and happy though the road has been long, arduous, taxing at best the struggle has been immensely rewarding and beneficial to me and for me.
I would wish to reiterate to all you peeps that truly loving yourself, being there for you, standing up for you is the only way to fly. The blinders have been lifted from my eyes, and yes the truth not only pissed me off, with it’s ugly sordidness, but it has liberated me beyond my hopes and dreams.
Remember, you are valuable, important in your own precious existence and please don’t let anyone take that from you.
God bless you and keep you….
Kim
i really appreciate all of the support here. as i’m sure all of you already know, this is the ONLY place where anyone “gets” it.
again, my H is diagnosed . . . years ago . . . and i’m determined to make the progress i need to, to get out of this situation. i don’t know why i’ve been so stupid for so long. yes, even now, i’m still living with him. he was gone on a business trip sunday thru thursday, so i luckily had a bit of a break from the chaos. he left this morning early for work and won’t be back until late (after 10 p.m.). he travels a lot for business and is scheduled to be gone for three weeks next month also. still, i’m scrambling to find a place to stay this weekend. i’m not in any physcial danger, but i feel like my emotional life depends on keeping my distance.
i’m in a daze, sleep deprived, and have a lot of pain in my back and neck . . . i’m not making a lot of sense (to myself or anyone) these days. i’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other and not be too hard on myself about my (lack of) progress.
yesterday i took my oldest daughter to the mall. she needed makeup for a wedding she is standing up in. she also has severe allergies, so we were doing research on hypoa-allergenic makeup. it was overwhelming to me . . . but i did it! in the begining of the day, i didn’t think it would be possible to accomplish this sort of task. it took everything i had, but i did it!!
i’m so all-over-the-place with my thinking, but i wanted to make a few points and see if anyone has any insights because these things are just nagging at me . . .
1) my H is not shelfish with money. he is completely self centered in so many ways, but not about money. i said before in a post that he makes a good living and i’m not sure where the money goes (and that is truthful), but i think that’s more about mismanagement than anything else. i recently told him that i needed money for a retaiiner fee for an attorney to file for legal separation and he had a check expressed to me the next day. he has also been good to my daughters from a previous marriage. he pays their college tutions, gives them spending allowances and pays for things like their cell phones bills and car insurances.
this just seems like strange behavior for a sociopath. Any thoughts??
2) i’m convinced he feels very, very, very sorry for himself a lot . . . the more sorry for himself the more he becomes abusive. and he can feel sorry for himself about ANYTHING (ie; the light didn’t turn green fast enough, it rained, etc). there is almost something about him that is steaped in shame. he’s always said this strange thing whenever he’s done something really horrible. he says, “you think it’s bad being abused. how would you like being the abuser??”
also not long ago, i asked him to tell me something from his childhood – because he never talks about anything from his past. he told me a story where his grandmother had family pictures displayed in her basement bar area. he was particularily attracted to a picture of himself (not surprise!) of himself as a toddler. in the picture he was in a “time out” and being punished for something . . . he still had tears in his eyes, but had stopped crying by the time the picture was taken. he said he use to stare at the picture for hours on end. he said in the most exesperated voice, “why in the world would someone have taken such a picture and why would anyone display it!”
and all i could think was “what was your compulsion to stare at it for hours at a time?”
any thougths?
Dear Little,
I can “hear” your strength returning in your posts! So I think you are really making progress.
To answer your questions–with my opinion only–sometimes they use payments of money or gifts as a control tool. To keep you hanging around to take the abuse.
Seondly. Yes, he does feel sorry for himself, not for you but for HIMSELF. He actually sees himself as the VICTIM. That commend about “If “you think it’s bad being abused. How would you like being the abuser?”
OMG!!! Let’s see if we can interpret this. “you think its bad being abused means “I know I am abusing you.” and the second part of “How would you like being the abuser?” means even though I am abusing YOU, you should have pity on ME.
OMG! Dear dear Little, this man is SOOOO psychopathic! So typical in so many ways, and it is totally all about HIM not about you.
I am so glad that you are NOT in physical danger. Your first posts left the impression that the man could kill you at any moment so I was very concerned, as were others here, about your physical safety. And, at the time you may have felt physically threatened, most of us have at one point in time or another.
If you do intend to leave this man and he will give you the money to obtain a place to stay and an attorney, that of course would be the best way, but my GUESS is that he will not give up CONTROL as easily as might be imagined.
Good luck, LIttle and keep reading and learning and making a plan. A logical, rational and safe plan for YOU. (((Hugs))))
Oxdrover,
thank you sososos much for your response. yes, i do see how sick the “how would you like to be the abuser???” thinking is. i understand how a victims objections to being abuse enrages a sociopath . . . it brings to mind the victiousness of some serial killers . . . when they become enraged that their victim is objecting to dying.
i’m sorry if i mislead you initially regarding my physical danger. i don’t ever feel like my H will fly off the handle and stab me to death or something . . . but i do often feel like he is intentionally pushing me to hurt myself. i’m not proud to admit i’ve had those sorts of thoughts many times. when i first posted here, i had been seriously considering it (i flushed all my painkillers the day i posted here because i thought i might use them to od. . . now i have to deal with the pain. in some ways, i’m feeling like i’ve worn out my usefulness as a supply source for my H and he would rather i be gone . . . and he could be the victim again (the greifing widower).
the thing that keeps me hanging on by a thread is my two college aged daughters. how could i leave them at such an impressional point in their life with this sociopath??
but i’m starting to realize that holding on to dear life for their sake isn’t a long term plan. in a few years, when they’ve moved on to their own lives and (hopefully stable) support systems, i will become expendable.
also, it scares me sometimes with how quickly i seem to rebound from despire. but i’ve come to recognize that i only rebound in order to help someone else. i got out of bed yesterday to help my daughter get makeup. even to me this seems ridiculous . . . i mean it’s only makeup. but i can’t seem to get out of bed to do the simplest things for myself . . . to eat . . . to brush my teeth.
when i was at the mall yesterday, i was determined to purchase a shirt for myself (just to prove i could). we bought makeup for my daughter and then a shirt and jeans for her. when it was time to shop for myself, i was overcome with exhaustion and fear . . . and i don’t know what . . . it was just incomprehensible to make a purchase for myself.
i’m scared by that.
i’m sorry i’m rambling . . .
of course, money = power/control. duh . . . how did i not make that simple equation for myself? deep down i’ve always thought (hoped) that money = an apology/ an acknowledgement of how he was wrong.
so why does he have a complusion for feeling sorry for himself??
Dear Little,
Because like Narcissis (the Mythical god) he is only able to see his own point of view. He cannot see (or CARE) other’s pain. If he has a hang nail it is the end of the world, if you had your leg cut off at the time he had the hang nail, he would tell you to stop whining that HE is in terrible pain.
They are not able to love. They have NO empathy. They just are not hard-wired in their brains to enable them to see other people as anything but “supply” for themselves. Either someone to adore them or someone for them to punish. They see THEMSELVES as the victim. No the money isn’t an “apology” because he has done (in his mind) nothing wrong. You deserve it. Yet, he knows he has to use something to CONTROL you.
The symptoms you are describing of no energy to do something for yourself is a sign that you need some help. You are obviously DEPRESSED (that not being able to get out of bed to care for your own needs) I would suggest that you go to a physician, preferably a psychiatrist and see ifyou can’t get some medication for depression. BTW it will also most likely help you cope with your chronic pain as well. And some therapy to help you get your head on straight and start taking care of YOU. You don’t deserve to live like this, you deserve to live a happy and good life, to have a life as something more than a “dog to kick” or for your daughters. You deserve to LIVE FOR YOURSELF.
Chronic pain is another big thing that depresses anyone. And, depression makes the pain worse, so it is a big circle. Breaking out of that circle is a difficult but very rewarding job, and I think is important for your own welfare. Depression=pain=depression and so on round and round.
Being trapped in an abusive marriage along with the chronic pain and chronic depression is enough to make anyone think “crazy” thoughts, but please–make a pact with yourself and all your Love Fraud friends that you will NEVER EVER HARM YOURSELF. Come here post, rant, vent, scream, cry, post anyting, it doesn’t even h ave to make sense, just scream it out–there will be someone here to reply. This is one of the most compassionate places in the world because we have ALL been “there” feeling trapped, down, depressed, alone, etc.
I will keep you in my prayers Little and my thoughts. I am glad that you are starting to poke your head out of the hole of depression and helplessness and pain. I can’t crawl out of that hole for you, but I will cheer you on every inch of the way until you are here celebrating your freedom from the deep dark hole in the ground! (((hugs))))
Hey Little… I totally believe and “get” that your emotional well being depends on keeping your distance. I also think some of his childhood stories tell you some of his problems.. what kind of a person banishes their kid to the basement for hours as a punishment? I know my first husband received terrible abuse and neglect as a kid. I think it warps their minds, turns them into monsters. You are right to get away from him.
About his being generous with his money, I don’t really understand why either, but I had money troubles with all the P’s in my life. One would make money disappear, then be “generous” with what was left. The second one shares, but only when he wants something in return. And last but not least, my ex-cheater bf was very kind and generous, but has a bad habit of also taking a lot of money from women and family, which surely doesn’t help his problem. I think they are just weird about money.
And.. Little.. about the shopping for yourself.. totally totally hear you. I can barely make myself take a shower lately, it’s bad, it’s like I am trying to punish myself.. I dunno. I feel like I’m starting to recover a little bit lately though.
Here’s what I think it might be, at least in my case. If I take a shower, put on nice clothes, buy myself something, eat, wear makeup, it’s like I’m pretending nothing is wrong. It’s like I’m trying to get the whole world to see that SOMETHING IS WRONG.
So just the past few days, I decided to put all my anger and rage towards getting even by taking good care of myself. Now suddenly I have the energy to do it, because I’m using my anger . STill not healthy I guess but I had to do something.
toodles absolutely…tks i always knew somewhere i was probably looking for a parent….but through your journaling you discovered the bigger, stronger me was also representative of wanting a parent…..i think i always knew that but just didnt want to admit it …weird ……..