Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
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Whoopie, the server is fixed!!!
Henry—welcome back! What is this about “hello FRIENDS, and you too Oxy?” Am I not your FRIEND! You stinker, I’m gonna have to get the skillet out again! (((((henry!!!)))))
Everyone said you couldn’t stay away long, but I just missed you so bad, you bad boy!
Back to the car issue.
I think before I hired a lawyer and paid them money I would talk with the police first for FREE, no sense doing anything else if you can get it for FREE.
I WOULD NOT just quit paying the note and let them repo it cause the problem is then that your CREDIT IS RUINED.
He may also have an “ace” up his sleeve since he is paying the money—is that “rent” for the car, or is he “purchasing it on time payments”? It COULD get legally sticky. I would see if the cops can/will get it back for you, then I would either keep it or trade or sell it but not let it go back. Good luck.
Oxy Yes you are my friend! I tried to leave the internet, I still am thinking about it. Sorry for my indecision and drama, seem’s to be my life here lately. It’s been four months no contact I am so glad he is gone just wish he would leave my mind alone. Other than that I am OK..good to see ya OX put that skillit back in the oven…
My dear dear Henry,
I AM glad you are back. I couldn’t see the stars last night (it was raining here) so I couldn’t connect with you! LOL
We got wonderful rain and it is still raining today which is wonderful too, even feels chilly which is great since we;’ve been in “hell on earth” here for a while with the HEAT!
I now it is difficult to limit your access to the “meat markets” when you are “tempted” but Henry, YOU CAN DO IT. And we need you here and I really think you need us, your friends! Even your skillet wielding big sis! LOL You have been so helpful to others, and Henry, I think WE learn more and heal more when we are helping others than we do receiving help, if that makes any sense!
When you tell Newbie Poster that SHE needs to stay NO CONTACT, it reinforces your OWN No contact. And when you tell Newbie Poster thix or that it reinforces your own thinking for positive things.
How could I ever face myself If I told you “no contact” and I made contact? See what I mean! It helps US to be stronger and heal faster because we do what we know we should.
((((BUG HUGS)))) glad you are back, even if it does mean I have to get a new oven door from wearing that one out! xoxoxox
Oxy and friend’s How do I explain my feeling’s too you when I don’t understand them myself? This very chair I sit in now is where he sat for most of his 3 year’s here. This very keyboard that I write to you now is the same one he used to decieve me over and over again. When he was here I seldom got online. Now that he is gone I have become way to attached to this website and the internet. It has become my friend. And my enemy. I don’t waste time in chatroom’s looking for a hook-up. I like coming here and reading the post of my friend’s. Did Blondie get her car situtation taken care of? Perky seem’s kinda down today. Beverly went to the beach to get away. Oh here’s a new person with a broken heart and shattered dream’s, I am glad they found this place because I know it will help. But this is a direct line to where ever he is. What did he do on here that is going to kick me in the teeth later? I am going to change bank account’s because he went into places you have to pay. I am not really smart with the computer and he was. So I am still wanting to cancel the internet for 3 months or so. It will help me move on I think. I will always have a way to get online at my son’s or a few friend’s so I can keep up with you all. So don’t think you are ever going to be rid of me. I have been reading so much about personality disorder’s. I guess these people come into our lives for a reason. We have to look really deep into our own lie’s and stop decieving ourselves. How long can I blame him/her for what they did? So we learn thing’s we didn’t want to learn mostly about ourselves. How do I put my life back together when it has been a life of denial? How do I fight lonliness and become content with my own company? What is wrong with wanting to be in love? Are we alway’s supposed to live in the moment? I can’t unthink the past. And I hope for another tomorrow. What is it about the encounter with a bad person that scar’s us so deeply? I have dealt with the scar’s caused by family. Put that away and said ok, now I understand time to move on. I can’t put him away, I can’t get him out of my head. I wake up every morning hoping I won’t be consumed with thots of him yet another day. I don’t want him back. I just want to feel normal – what ever that is. Yep I am on Zoloft – going to therapy every other week. I have come so far in my recovery. I cherish the people in my life that love me. So many people in this world are suffering real pain. I am so blessed by the universe. I din’t know that this life lesson was going to be so deep into my soul….thanks to you all….I am going to my hill tonite to talk to the stars……
Dear Henry,
All the questions that you ask—they are the spiritual and emotional awakening that I think this P-experience leads us to as we heal.
Where and what is the MEANING IN MY LIFE? What do I REALLY want out of life? WHO AM I? What is my place in the universe?
To me, all these musings, all these questions, are what make us FULLY HUMAN. A chimpanzee can’t wonder about all these things, they don’t care about these things, although they have some form of “community” in the groups in which they live.
A dog, no matter how much they love you or other animals and they DO love, they don’t ask these questions–they totally live in the “now.”
We can live either in the now, the past or the future through our minds and our thoughts. Of course living in the moment, enjoying the good things that are here for us RIGHT THIS SECOND, looking at the stars, the flowers, hearing our child’s first word. Those are all wonderful things that we SHOULD enjoy and if we are all “torn up” by thinking aobut the past, or in pain in our hearts or souls, we won’t appreciate those “now” things, no matter how wonderful, as much as we could if we weren’t distracted.
I can relate, dear Henry to your “life of denial”—I think I have denied for so long it seemed “real.” I am fortunate though that in some relationships I didn’t carry that denial all the way through them as well. I think to myself that even if I live to 80, my life is 75 % over already—I have waaaay more past than future. But at the same time, if I didn’t have the past I have, for good and for bad, I wouldn’t be WHO I am today, because just as a potter’s hands can make several different things out of the SAME CLAY, depending on how it is shaped by his hands (life) it can’t be all those things, it bends to the pressures, moves, and becomes one thing. Sure it might have been a vace, or it might have been something else, but it is what it is because it is unique to THAT set of hands, that set of pressures—-I am glad I am what I am. (whatever that is) A friend calls me (in a nice way) an OSB–Old School Bitch! LOL And I think of myself as a Crone—an old English word for “Older and Wiser woman”–though not always as wise as I wish I was. LOL
I think that a SPIRITUAL journey, a spiritual discovery is part of the healing process that eventually leads us to be BETTER people than we could have ever been without the P-experience. It may have been a pain ful experience, but like they say “no pain, no gain.” (((hugs)))) (not bUgs LOL)
OXY If you charged for your wisdom, you would be one rich crone. Thanks )))))BUGS((((
Henry,
I just wanted to say that I am very proud of you for considering what it is you need to do for yourself. That, in and of itself, is recovery. You know that LF is not going anywhere and I think Oxy should become a resident therapist here :). If you need time away then please do what feeds you. If you feel you need the support you know how to find your way back here. You said all that yourself. Listen to what your intuition is telling you and be patient with yourself if you change you mind. You have a right to change it as often as you need to as you’re recovery from quite an ordeal.
I can relate to how you feel. I have sat back and wondered if there will be a day that the S doesn’t come to mind or his name is not uttered from my lips. What I’ve noticed for myself is that the process ebbs and flows in the stages of recovery and I am slowly redefining my story with each step. It has taken time and it will take as much time as it needs to in order for my brain to find a resting place. But it’s getting there. I don’t want to stop the process. I need to go through it. But I am doing it in a way that I can manage. That’s something we all need to figure out for ourselves. My way isn’t everyone else’s way.
I know in time I will have new memories to replace the painful ones as I become more social and continue to set goals for myself. I am already seeing it happen. I know you will too. As you said it takes time. You mentioned taking a class before (gardening I think). I would encourage you to do so if you haven’t already. Even if it’s hard to get motivated towards goals, step out there and do it. Don’t wait for the emotion to hit you. Actions lead to those good feelings and sometimes we wait for the good feelings to hit before we act. We don’t have to. We can lead the way by what we do. And sometimes we just need to keep doing it until that feelings comes. We’re learning a new way of living and it’s scary. Yet it’s a gift if you sit back and think about it. We have a chance for more 🙂
If you do take a respite from LF, I hope you come back and check in from time to time. I’ve enjoyed your humor and appreciated your honesty and have learned from watching you grow. You may not see what we see but you have taken some lengthy strides along your journey. Whatever you do, make sure you do it for Henry. You’re honoring yourself and that makes my cry. It’s a good cry though. It’s a very good cry.
God Bless
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve visited Lovefraud. I’ve got to say that for me, the above information and blogs have been the most validating and enlightening ones I’ve read yet. I’ve learned SO much through this site but the answers to ALL my questions regarding sociopaths are in this particular post.
I realize that a lot of you are still very deeply hurt or still having to deal with these people. I am so sorry for your pain but rest assured that if you’ll just come to accept that NOTHING about your relationship with these people was real except for the evil–you’ll soon be able to heal and move forward.
I can SO relate to the reference about the deep emotional connection as far as sex is concerned with the S! I felt like the most loved and beautiful woman in the world! And, yes, it hurt to learn that I was absolutely no different than any of the other zillion women that he was having sex with behind my back. I always found it rather strange that his desire to satisfy me seemed to come first and foremost EVERY time we had sex. There were times that I wanted to make it all about him and he would never let me. I now understand what that was all about. He could satisfy himself with ANYONE, so his satisfaction wasn’t a big deal. But his being able to satisfy someone else was dependent upon THEIR response to him. If he failed to satisfy, then he lost. It was that plain and simple. Each time he satisfied me, he received an ego blast!
Someone spoke of the “about face”. Wasn’t that moment the most shocking moment of your lives? It was mine!
Although we’ve been to hell and back because of these people, we do have something to be grateful for. We now know that these people exist and each of us are reaching understanding. As times goes along and we seek more knowledge, we learn more and more. And, as we learn, we finally reach understanding. There is NOTHING wrong with us. They did NOT hurt us because we deserved it. Please, please…once you’ve made up your mind and accepted that the person you are missing, pining, greiving (whatever you want to call it) for is a S, don’t allow them back into your life! Don’t ever settle for anything in your life other than REALITY. You’ve been robbed of enough precious time. Get out and get on with you life! I know how hard it is…that’s why I still come to Lovefraud from time to time…but it’s the ONLY way for you to get your life back!
Henry,
Havne’t you ever heard that old saying “them than CAN, DO, and them that can’t, teach!”
I have the wisdom, and I can dispense it to others, but APPLYING IT TO MYSELF is the most difficult thing in the whole world. LOL
I have so much “wisdom” that if it was the weight of feathers, it would push me to the ground it would be so heavy. But just putting one step in front of another is sometimes so difficult. And gosh, when I look back at how I BEHAVED I realize that I didn’t use ANY of this “wisdom” to help myself for SOOOOO LOOOOONG.
I beat myself up for a long time (and really hard, Henry, I broke several skillets! LOL) because I didn’t use the TOOLS of wisdom that I had in my possession. I made life so hard for myself by using the wrong tools, or trying to do it without tools at all. Learning to apply all that wisdom to real world situations—listening to my instincts, learning to actually set boundaries, being honest with MYSELF. I was always honest with others, but not with myself. All these things that I “knew to do” and still didn’t do, are things I am having to LEARN TO PUT INTO PRACTICE. IT’S NOT EASY.
Blogging with others here who also find PRACTICING the wisdom that we all have difficult, discussing this wisdom, etc., it helps me to APPLY this wisdom to ME. That’s what a “support group” is–whether it is AA, NA or LF. Encouraging each other to PRACTICE what we all know we need to do.