Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
Dear Onguard,
Perky’s answer to your question about how they talk makes a great deal of sense and I agree with it, it is about shifting things to you.
Obviously, she also “interprets” what you are saying to her, or “translates” it into not the WORDS you said, but the INFERRED MEANINGS that she thinks you are PROBABLY SAYING.
In the “yelling at the girls” scenario, she KNOWS that “yelling all the time” at the girls isn’t the mark of a “good parent” by the definition of most people, just as she knows it is wrong to steal in most people’s eyes, but if she DID steal, she would resent you saying WORDS that might IMPLY she was a thief.
She is taking your “question” as a STATEMENT, a judgment, and proceeding from there. By doing that, it also then transfers the argument about what she was DOING to what YOU were saying. It is easy enough then to make the argument about “you said X” and you reply “No, I didn’t say X” and what the original question was goes out the window and then you are no longer talking about HER behavior, but YOURs, and YOU are on the defensive.
PS: I just thought of the perfect example of this, type of thing. Eric Berne, in his book “Games People Play” gives the example of the man who comes home and pleasantly asks his wife “Where are my cuff links, Dear?” But instead of saying “oh your dresser” which is the adult answer giving information, the wife says “What? Am I your maid?” Then the fight is on.
Now if the husband had instead of really asking for the location of his cufflinks was in his snide way making remarks about his wife’s housekeeping, which could ususlly be told by the tone of voice in which he asked, said “where are my cufflinks dear?” And the wife assumed rightly that he was trying to pick a fight just answered mildly “they’re on your dresser, dear.” Fight avoided.
So here are two instances where the “fight” was either provoked by one who hadn’t intended to provoke one, and in the other where a provocation was side stepped and an open fight was avoided.
How we answer “questions” can either start or stop a squabble, or refocus it to someone else.
I finally have few minutes on the computer. Sharing it with a teenager on summer vacation is not easy:)
I’m going through the anger again. I’m so angry. Sunday my ex brought home my son from his visit and when he came in the house my ex didn’t pull away. I looked at my son to see what was coming. He said his dad wants him to bring out the dog to see him. I let him, but I didn’t want to. He got out of his truck and stood in my driveway smiling and bending down to have a precious reunion with the dog. ( I love that dog-she didn’t even acknowledge him.) But, seeing him in my yard ( technically my elderly mother’s yard, who he conned 100,000 out of) brought back feelings I thought were under control. Now that he’s back in town and I can run into him and her anywhere, my house is my safe zone. Or so I thought.
It’s been over a year since he left. Am I a slow healer? I know everyone has a different pace, but I feel like I should be able to deal with him better. I do ok when he’s not around, but seeing him on my territory (the house we lived in for half of our marriage is right next door to my mom’s)made me feel outraged and so sad at the same time. I’m having trouble shaking it.
He also still would like me to talk to him. He finally sent Aug. child support $100 short and said in a note he would send the rest in a few days . He says if I would just talk to him he could explain it. Ugh.. Just uuugh!
Dear Tryiingtorecover,
There isn’t any time “frame” that is right or normal or even average–it depends I think on lots of things, and it isn’t EASY to reach peace and resolve all the issues, especially when you see them and it “triggers” the old feelings.
I can definitely relate to the “my territory” feeling. I ran into XBF at an auction about 20 miles from my home that I go to frequently on Saturday nights—he lives 400 miles away and when he walked in to MY auction in MY territory, big as life, I almost LOST IT. I know that he knew that there was a good chance he would run into me by “accident”—what the heck was he doing in MY territory? He burned down the house of the last GF, was he just pulling my chain to let me know he could slip into MY territory? WHAT?
That violation of MY territory was a shock (I sure didn’t expect it) and made me feel very uneasy and angry. It triggered a lot of old feelings. I had seen him before in places that I EXPECTED to seem him (neutral ground) and it didn’t upset me at all. I’m not sure what it is all about, but I think the violation of MY territory was part of it.
Good for your dog!!! I think his being $100 short and wanting to “talk to you to explain” and even his “wanting to see the dog” is all lame attempts to start talking to you. GOOD FOR YOU for staying with NO contact.
They just want for us to “pretend none of this happened” and be “friends”–PUKE!!!!! That would let them off the hook, like what they did wasn’t so bad iin retrospect. BULL HOCKEY!!! Hang in with your NC it is obviously working if he is trying to manuver you into talking to him.
Just try to EXPECT to see him around town and her, and keep your chin high and hang in there! It will get easier, you are doing all the right things, and one day you will just wake up and realize you are NOT thinking about him. (((hugs))))
Thanks Oxy. It’s so validating when some one responds. Sometimes I just need to write it out and get it out of my head. I hope you’re taking as good care of yourself as you do of everybody here:) (((hugs))) back to you.
By the way, my dog is a border collie. I think I read you have some. She is very shy. We got her when she was 1 1/2 years old. She came off of a farm with trained dogs, but she wasn’t. She’s the sweetest little dog in the world. What’s weird or maybe not so weird is she actually got a little better after my ex moved out. My mother noticed it almost right away. I never saw him hit her, but there must have been something.
Dear Tryingtorecover,
Collies are SOOOO smart and intuitive, they AMAZE me all the time! If I give a command that the dog knows (or thinks) is in error, he will stop and lookk at me as if to say “are you sure?” (Usually the dog is right and I am wrong!) I have a bumper sticker on my truck that says “My Border Collie is Smarter than your HONOR STUDENT”–lol
I do public and school demos and the kids (5ht graders) always love him, and he is SUCH A HAM that I think he is half hog!
Your X wouldn’t have had to kick her for her to KNOW he was a bad man. I swear I think they can “read minds” and know who is okay and who isn’t. I’m glad she has a good home with you and that you and your son have her.
It is validating when we respond to each other, sometimes I think that support was ALL that kept me in touch with reality and sanity last year.
It is difficult to raise a child or children as a single parent (I’ve been there) but your children and you are so much better off than if he was still in your household. NC is the worst “punishment” they can receive because they can’t get it that they are NO LONGER IN CONTROL—YOU ARE! They can’t stand that, they do just about anything to get you to break NC so that THEY are back in the driver’s seat of control. Just keep that in mind when you want to scream obscenities at him that saying NOTHING is more painful to him than ANYthing you could say would be. They don’t like to feel that they are not the center of your universe, and NC shows them they are NOT. HIGH FIVE!!!!
Oxy That last paragraph is so right on. Keeping no contact really is “the only punishment” for a sociopath. It does take away their ego and give’s us the power over them that they hate. So they finally give up and go get their ‘ego’s” stroked somewhere else. I will never acknowledge his exsistance if I ever see him out and about. But I have to make a comment to” tryingtorevover”. I am a father of two son’s, I divorced when they were young. So we did share custody and we did have to deal with visatation etc. I don’t see how you can remain totally no contact with the father of your children. I do understand how you feel, and I am not familiar with your situation. But people that divorce when their are no children involved can go on and not look back. But you can’t do that when you have children. So you look for other’s way’s to keep your space. But I don’t know, my x wife was not a sociopath just a women scorned. And we are truly the bestest of friend’s now. Oxy I got 6 inches of rain here and the low temps are wonderful. I have been taking advantage of this cooler weather and gettin some landscaping project’s going. I always get industrious the first hint of fall. Going to start a wrap around deck with a cover on the one corner of my house. Hello Gang!!!!
Dear Henry,
We didn’t get that much rain, but what came down came slow and steady and humidity high and temps lower so it IS NICE especially after the foretaste of “hell” we’ve had lately.
Henry, I know I am “answering for” Tryingtorecover, but you know, it just depends on the circumstances of the divorce whether or not you need to maintain verbal NO CONTACT, and on the ages of the kids, etc. ANY divorce is difficult for all parties concerned, parents, and kids, but one with a psychopath involved can be a REAL hell on earth! Not just a heat wave. LOL
There are times I think it is best for people to communicate ONLY through lawyers and/or written notes, rather than speak face to face, at least for some period of time, if not forever.
I found out the hard way that I couldn’t do contact with my mom face to face. I tried and it worked sometimes but when she would “bring up” stuff, or give me “that look” I just couldn’t handle the triggers. Now if I talk to her it is very briefly on the telephone. Most of the communication I do with her more than 20 seconds on the telephone or an e mail, I do through my sons. They don’t trust her but they aren’t badly triggered by her like I am.
There would be a great deal of community pressure from various people we know toward me to “make up with” my mother, but I don’t want to have to defend myself from these well-intended onslaughts so I avoid these people like a plague. First off it is NUNNA THEIR BIZNESS and secondly, I just don’t want to have to defend myself even though I know these people are well intentioned and caring. They just don’t “get it” and there’s no way I can make them “get it” so it is just best to stay away.
I can understand Tryingtorecover’s anger that her elderly mother was ripped off by her X for $100 grand! That is not only abusing her but her mom. We daughters are very protective of our mothers (unless like Me you find out your mom is TOXIC too) and protective moms to our own children, so if the Bad Man hurts both of them as well as me, I would be 3X mad at him. Personally, I wouldn’t have let the dog go out of the house! I think she was more than reasonable and “nice” to let him see the dog—like he REALLY wanted to see the dog. Border Collies are absolutely THE smartest breed of dog (not trying to start an argument here LOL) and belive me what she said about the dog not paying him any attention, that DOG KNEW what he is/was.
For right now, I personally think that Tryingtorecover definitely needs to keep up the No talking to him for HERSELF right now, there may come a time when she is comfortable doing that, but her post tells me that is NOT YET. How would you feel if you had to see and talk to your X on visitation days for the dogs and the cat? I think it would blow you out of the water, I know it would me. Your divorce may have not been a “happy” one, but neither of you were psychopaths and that is the thing that makes the difference. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Off subject a bit, but today the boy who was in the airplane with my husband (age 16) at the time and spent 5 months in the burn unit of a local hospital stopped by on his way to move into his college dorm for the fall semester. It has always been difficult for me to be around him, he is terribly disfigured on his arms and body with scars, though his face was thankfullly spared. He is such a good young man, his parents are wonderful people, and he and I had a really great relationship the summer he stayed with us to learn to fly. But it has always been so very painful to think of him at the wreck site and also in the hospital when he was so out of it he didn’t always know me.
I was dreading him coming to visit, antsy and anxious about how I would feel. But we had a great day and the anxiety wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought and I actually ENJOYED his visit. He and my son D went out to our target range and practiced shooting at various distances and they had good “guy time” together. The young man is working on his degree in aviation and flying and doing so well. He never ceases to amaze me with his accomplishments and his truly loving and kind nature.
I’m looking forward to the next time he comes to visit! That’s a big burden off my back that the anxiety and I can’t describe what the feeling was–but it’s gone, and that’s good.
ok before Trying To Recover reads this I want to say I was not pointing my finger at her. I truly can relate with her X being EVIL. But they will always be the parent’s, weddings, graduation, grandkids etc. Maybe there is somekind of neutral place or other arrangments to help with the no contact for now anyway. Oxy I think your anxiety with seeing this young man triggers “that day” and how wonderful that he wanted to see you, to let you know, you don’t have to be anxious because he loves you…….
Dear Henry,
Not arguing with you, dear, just pointing out that she was demonstating a lot of triggering just seeing him come into her driveway. I’m not sure how old her kids are but I think her main concerns are for TODAY right now, not weddings in the future, granduations and such.
I am glad the young man came by and I do know that he loves me and sees me as more than just a friend, but as like a favorite aunt or something. He would come in the kitchen and cook with me, and go outside with the guys and work, and was just an all around GREAT kid.
Visiting him in the hospital after the wreck for those months that he was there was TRAUMATIC for me—burn units are about the ONLY place I never could (emotionally) handle working, because it is sooo painful for the patient. I have done lots of outpatient burn care, and cared for the other two people in the place (my son D and the pilot) outpatient, but this kid’s burns were over most of his body and both arms, hands, and ears. I guess his visits were triggering back the memories from the burn unit—I finally had to stop going, I just couldn’t take it.
Whatever triggered the “feeling” when he came to visit me, I am glad that this time it didn’t happen. Now I can look forward to his visits, not just DREAD them.