Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
Bev we have so much in common I really feel like we relate in so many ways. thanks for being my friend…but in my case with (M) he just walked in and took over. I wasnt in love with him when he moved in with me. It was him becoming someone he wasnt that i fell in love with great actor he was
We have to look at what made us susceptible and receptive to these anti socials and ensure that it never happens again.
I have a strong sense of you Henry, being quite a nice fatherly laid back – perhaps a bit do lally kind of man with a naughty sparkle. Some people will exploit that kindness. It is a pleasure to be your friend and I am truly glad that you are back posting. We all missed you!! xxx
These anti socials dont want to be themselves,, it is too painful – they just mold and adapt themselves to whoever and whatever they can get. They are masters at forming the attachment and intensity, but they run out of steam, when it comes to real committment – give and take – proper loving relationships.
Can I throw another one into the pot, before I go to bed. Perhaps we projected onto them, and that is what gave us the fit – made some of us receptive. I cant speak for other people, but I am conscious that I projected and got very involved in trying to sort HIM out, make life better for HIM, ease HIS path – I think I projected my needy inner child onto him. That was also a painful realisation for me.
Yea, the “co-dependent” or “enabling” behavior ends up being control-rebellion-control-rebellion and everyone involved is unhappy. Eric Berne describes these “games’ in his book, “Games People play” and even though the enabling may be a two-handed game, there are three roles; victim, rescuer, and persecutor. EVERYONE involved in the game plays musical chairs with the different roles, one minute you are the rescuer, then the next the victim, then back to the persecutor role and “change chairs, children” and it all continues like a well-designed dance.
No, Bev, I am not “after money” either in a relationship, but if someone has nothing at all and lives out of cardboard boxes, that tells me SOMETHING about him. WHY is he living out of cardboard boxes—was he in Hurricane Katrina? Well that was two years ago, or three, so WHY is he STILL living out of cardboard boxes. He’s an engineer with a Ph.D. and “can’t find a job”—WHY? Well, there are lots of jobs at fast food joints, isn’t that better than NO JOB? Too much pride to work for Micky-D’s—oh, well, get a grip, I have cleaned other people’s toilets when I needed a job—so why’s he too good to work at a minimum wage job, is it more dignified to move in with me and have me pay the bills?
I loaned some money, not much $150 I think, to a nurse at work one time for a hard luck story and she paid me back, then again she asked to borrow money, and I loaned her that much again, then a couple of weeks later she came over to tell me she couldn’t afford to pay me back right away—and she had a $60 set of new artificial finger nails. She never paid the money back and I found out later that she did that with every fairly new person at work. A pattern.
After I saw the fingernails, I realized the reason she was in bad financial shape was her spending patterns. So I got caught out for $150 bucks. Big deal, but the point is that she was doing that to everyone she could and I was just another dupe. I could probably have raised hell with her and gotten the money back, but I didn’t think it was worth it. She sold out a friendship for $150 bucks—she got the short end of that deal, and it didn’t cost me much to find out she wasn’t a friend.
I’ve always been a fairly “easy touch” the first time, but seldom the easy touch the second time (after getting screwed) and I am not one to risk a great deal of money or whatever on the “first touch”—and I do try to help people when I can. I have been helped many times by “angels” when I needed it very much and I can’t pay those angels back directly, and the only way to pay them back is to pass on the help. Sometimes I actually do help people, and other times, like the girl with the horses, they try to take advantage of me. Even Jesus healed 10 men with leprosy and only one came back to even thank him, so I guess if I help one out of ten, I am at least getting as good of odds as Jesus did! LOL
Over all though, I would rather help people and NOT expect any gratitude and if there is any I will be pleasantly suprised and not disappointed if there is none. But at the same time, I will not—let’s say I will REALLY TRY NOT –to eanble people or to take over their responsibililties for them. I don’t want to turn the helping/enabling around to where I have NO COMPASSION FOR OTHERS. I would much rather have only one of out ten really benefit from my “help” than to quit trying to help anyone, they’re just trying to rip me off. i.e I don’t want to become hard-hearted toward my fellow man.
Yes, Oxy, Just talking about the book, and about our susceptibility, it explains that those who have been unjustly treated will be susceptible to the Crusader. People who are searching for the truth will always be magnetised to a Teacher. Those people who are confused will be drawn to Counsellors. Those who are in trouble or in crisis will be drawn to Rescuers. Those who feel vulnerable will be susceptible to Protectors. Those people who are in need will be drawn to those Givers. People who appear to be dependent and uneasy will be drawn to Pleaser types.
Oxy, the book also sets the structure in terms of victim, offender, messiah – which is the same, but a differently worded version of the triangle you mention.
Part of the key to enabling, caretaking, is that SOME people who act as caretakers depend on the response of others for their well being. Somewhere in our upbringing we learnt to negate ourselves in favour of the authority figures in our lives – probably to ensure our survival. Some caretakers have a tendency to been drawn to and want to help people who share similar childhood pain. I help people who live alone – I live alone.
I think so many of the books that we read are talking about the same things but they just “name” them differnt things, but the concepts are what are true, regardless of what “name” you give it.
As long as you get the CONCEPT it doesn’t matter what “label”you tack onto it. The bottom line is that we should not take responsibility for “trying to fix” another’s life. We should not take responsibility for another (adults’) well being unless they are comatose.
I think many of us who are “caregivers” (by whatever name) end up in the “helping” professions–medicine, nursing, therapy etc. because it is satisfying to us to “help” others and Make a difference in their lives. When I was working I got a LOT of positive feed back from patients, clients, families, neighbors, friends, the community in general, etc. for my “helping” professional work. It is a heady thing to be placed on a professional pedestal and to be “looked up to” because of your professional expertise. It feels really good to get that constant positive feed back.
I loved diabetic teaching and was apparently very good at it because I had some “hard core cases” that by excellent teaching and continual monitoring, as a team with the patient, we got their Blood sugar totally under control, where that had never been the case before. When my medical records were reviewed 100% of my patients had the appropriate vaccines, teaching, follow ups etc. (most of the clinics in my 7-clinic group were scoring 25% and one clinic amost 10%) My phisician peer reviews were excellent. I liked getting those scores because it told me I was doing an excellent job. I frequently received letters from patients and their families thanking me for my professional services and caring.
That was a big part of my “self esteem” I think, being good at what I did. But what I DID, is NOT ME. I wasn’t “good” or “worthy” by what I DID, but that was the way I kept score I think. Even though my “socre” was high from others’ view points I think I still felt I had to give and give and give and there was never a time I could accept without guilt or feeling of failure. I think that was why it was so difficult for me to “be the patient” in therapy. So hard to be on the “wrong side of the clip board.” (maybe it is that way with other medical professionals too. I’m not sure)
Learning to be okay on a day when I don’t DO anything is a hurdle I am still working on. (Henry, my boys are beating me over the head with a skillet on that one! LOL)