Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
peter parker = don’t be shy here, just keep talkin and reading and you will learn alot about your self……and bad people
oxy my last day to blog at random = after this it will be occasionally. Just wanted to ask u something – when i saw the new physciatrist, after talking to him for almost two hours and trying to put a life time of my history in those 2 hours, he said yes you have been through alot, and then he said it sounds like chronic depression does that mean i have been depressed my whole life?
Henry, I just lost a 10-page response to your question. I have to go back to work nright now but will rewrite it and post it tonight. So look for it. ((hugs))))
I apologize, in advance, for the length of this missive and any redundancies you may find. Before I begin, like so many others, I must say that finding this web site has been very helpful. I am not sure that this is the right “place” in the blog to post (for the first time) my feelings and experience. I have found that every area has a little piece of me and my story. I feel a sence of empathy and angst from most of the stuff I have read. It is a wonderful outlet.
“People do not get it— “Rumination is not easy to get over—”Hard learned truths—”I cannot talk to most people about this—”How do I forgive (& forget)” etc. ”“they all ring true with me.
However, I have not found one to be like mine. In fact, both of the marriage counselors that attempted the “emergency, triage, rescue” of our marriage said: “Yours is, undoubtedly, one of the very meanest and cruelest (and sad) cases we have ever dealt with.” These 2 doctors had a, combined, 60 years of marriage counseling experience between them. They were not prone to hyperbole. I realize this is not a contest ”“ I just seek opinion and empathy and fellowship ”“ just like everyone else. I have inferred that a majority of the contributors are women. I am a man. Also, what my spouse did to me and our 3 children was sudden — no, previous,years of psychotic behaviour. But wait”
What happened to me has made the papers in our city because of my ex-wife’s bizzare behaviour. I apologize for the length that I think is about to spew out of me. I will try to give the, “Cliff Notes” version to keep it as short as possible. I also ask that you accept what I say here at face value. It is so bizzare and freaky that I, literally, would have bet my right hand if someone would have predicted what my ex-wife did begininning in July, 2006. Even writing this is difficult. It is something out of a Franz Kafka novel.
I married “Sherri” in 1998. She had 2 children, a 4 year old boy & an 8 year old girl. I also had an 8 year old daughter and instant step siblings were created. It was a fantastic family and a fantastic marriage; I loved her and she loved me deeply. By every estimate and every opinion of,virtually, everyone — Ours was considered to be a strong, loving, giving marriage and we were best friends and lovers. She would have walked on glass for me and vice versa.. I raised her boy and girl as mine and she was step-mother to my daughter as well. The two step-sisters were inseperable and shared the same bed and went to school together for 10 years ”“ graduating in 2007. I had brought “Sherri” into our small, affluent community. I had lived in another home here with my first spouse. I introduced her to the community and she was welcomed and became part of the community. We travelled around the world and she only had to work if she chose to. That was 25% of the time. I always earned enough to support us in a comfortable life style.
Then it all happened:
November of 2005 I had to (suddenly) begin chemo ”“ for 52 weeks. Fortunately I had a very lucrative disability policy which allowed us to live in our beautiful home and not go bankrupt.
Sherri was also working at that time and travelling (in the company car) over a 4 state sales region. She was gone 3 to 5 days a week and never had to be my caretaker while I was on my back during chemo. She was earnng $85,000 at this time.
June of 2006 she came home at 10:00a.m., in her company car, and found me in the bathroom ”“ vomiting from that day’s chemo treatment and announced: “I just quit my job and have met a (28 year old tatoo artist- she’s 46) at a bar 2 days ago that I love and I tried to steal $28,000 from our bank account — but they stopped me.” Something was obviously wrong.
As part of my chemo treatment, I was seeing a Pschologist and a Psychiatrist — they routinely prescribed the, anti depressants that chemo neccessitate. They also provided counseling on a weekly basis as part of my insurer’s, “Chemo Management Plan.” They had know me very well by this point and asked that I bring Sherri in to see them — immediately. After 14 visits (several with both Doctors in the same room) over a 10 day time span, Sherri was diagnosed as having the following:
“Sudden onset bi-polar ”“ with a personality disorder, with metalogical to pathological tendencies” They suggested that, with proper medication and therapy she could, quite possibly, come back into the real world. It was not to be. She went into total denial, declared that there was nothing wrong and would not need any treatment of any kind. When told that they were advising me to divorce her as I could not fight cancer and her simultaneously, she replied, “I don’t give a F***!” A den mother and social committee volunteer! At this point I had lost 42 pounds from the chemo. At times my health was so fragile that it was really touch and go. I sure could have used her support then ”“ but it was not be. It was the exact opposite. The battle plans of a crazed woman were launched. That what she did (in comparison to her, life long, behaviour) is so beyond normal experince I can barely describe it.
She began drinking, doing drugs and staying out all night. I would get the (3) children off to school ”“ and she would be gone for 2 days! Remember, I was on chemo at this time! When I asked her, “Did you think you were going to quit your job, live off of my disability check and have an affair with this 28 year odl?” She answered, “Yes, yes I do.” A week later I filed for divorce.
After filing for divorce, I rented her a home 1 block away from ours so she could move there with her kids and they could finish the school year. The 28 year old boyfriend moved into her rental home that very same day! Imagine, my step-children had a complete stranger “replace” me on day one! I did not realize she would (in October, 2007) marry the 28 year old and purchase the home. That is correct, she lives 1 block away with the (unemployed) tatoo artist in our tiny, gated, community. I am forced to see them daily.
2 weeks after moving out of my home, she snuck over and stole my 2 dogs. When we separated, I let her take 99% of the furnishings; I was in a big, empty, house by myself. We had agreed upon separating that I would kep the dogs; she renged and announced, “I have changed my mind.”
She stopped all communication between her 2 kids and myself. I have not seen nor spoken to them in 2 years. She stopped all communication with my daughter (“Sherri” was her step-mother for 10 years)! When I told her that “Rachel” missed her and was hurt and puzzled that Sherri went incommunicado, Sherri replied, “F*** Rachel!” When the psychologist suggested that the children not be used as “Pawns” — Sherri replied, “They are my pawns to use as I like.”
But it got worse — much worse.
Shortly after separating and moving one block away, it became known that Sherri had ask her boyfriend to put a “hit” on me. Yes, she was caught (via e-mails) of hiring someone to kill me. When we went to court, the judge yawned, acted annoyed and refused to do anything other than issue a restraining order which read (in part): “Sherri shall not engage in threatening conversations nor share private information with others (regarding her husband)” That is it! Nothing more. Sherri dramatically ripped the restraining order to pieces in the, courthouse, parking lot and said to me and my attorney, “F*** you.”
Then the lies, defamation, slander and character assasination began in ernest. Over the course of the next 15 months, Sherri worked earnestly at telling every neighbor, friend or aquaintance that would listen, the following:
1) Ken was diagnosed with: “Sudden onset bi-polar ”“ with a personality disorder, with metalogical to pathological tendencies” (BTW, the psychologist predicted she might do this ”“ claim that I had the very same mental disorder she was diagnosed as having).
2) Ken is a, Mafia, hitman (I am in the financial sevices industry).
3) She and her children had to seek shelter at the center for battered women.
4) Ken is a (CIA like) computer hacker that traced and tracked anybody’s phone calls or e-mail messages at will.
5) Ken is not on chemo, he is away at (heroin) re-hab in Phoenix Arizona.
6) She told neighbors that if they did (financial planning) business with me, that I would steal their personal identity information and purchase homes around the U.S with their credit.
Incredibly, there were neighbors and (a few)friends that actually believed her story. As absurd as it sounds and contrary to everything they knew about me for 15+ years — I learned that there are “friends” in this world that prefer “dirt” to the truth. To say she cleaved our small community would be an understatement.
After 6 months of this, and many letters from my attorneys asking that she cease and desisit spreading lies — we had to haul her back into court. Once again, the judge took no real action. He issued another restraining order which said (in part): “Sherri shall stop spreading lies about Ken.” That is all. He never did seem to care and had an attitude of disdain. She also tore that restraining order to shreds in the parking lot of the courthouse and said to me and my attorney, “F*** you.”
Remember, I was still on Chemo at this point, spending what ultimately turned out to be $22,000 in attorney’s bills (just for myself) ”“ to divorce this woman. I was extremely week and had neither the will nor the strength to go out and “counter” her lies.
In January 2007, I took an 18 day trip to Costa Rica. The chemo had ended 60 days earlier (it worked ”“ I am alive and healthy). Upon returning, I had a sherriff knock on my door and hand me a document stating I had to be in court the next morning (January 19, 2007) at 8:00a.m. for an, “Emergency ex-parte stalking / abuse / restraining hearing” Sherri, in her own handwriting, went to the courthouse and swore out a complaint stating that I had come to her home on 6, different, occasions. Specifically, January 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th, 12th and the 15th. When we went to court, my passport and airline tickets showed that I was near the equator (in Costa Rica) from December 30th (2006) to January 17th (2007). Obviously, everything that Sherri claimed was a total lie. The judge did not grant her the (stalking) order. When my attorney asked that she be held in contempt of court for blatantly lying ”“ the judge said “No.” When my attorney’s asked that my legal fees be paid by Sherri due to her, obvious, lies and the time wasted in court — the judge said, “No.” BTW, men getting shafted in court vis a vis divorce — is par for the course in my state. In the parking lot of the courthouse she, once agan, screamed “F*** you.”
Oh, have I stated that she went completely, 100%, incommunicado since the day she moved out. She has only spoken to me once. And, as I said earlier, Sherri cut off all communication between me and the children. She also forbade her kids from speaking with my daughter — their step-sibling of a decade. That is just, plain, cruel.
The divorce was finalized in, August, 2007. But the pathological lying continued, unabated. Finally, I had no choice but to file a libel / defamation & slander lawsuit against my ex-wife — and her homeowners insurance company (under the, liability, portion) Farmers Insurance. In March of this year they paid me a large amount of money to drop the case. She also had to sign a letter allocuting to all of her lies and had to give me the two dogs back (which she had stolen 18 months earlier).
It would be so much easier if I had 10+ years of an awful marriage; this simply would have been the end of a bad thing. But, that was not the case; we had nothing but great times and true love. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THIS SO HARD. It was sudden, unexpected and so very violent in her utter silence and going incommunicado.
10 days prior to her, personality, disorder surfacing, Sheri gave me a card in which she had written the following words: “If God were sitting next to me now I would thank him for sending you to me. You have been a wonderful husband and the most perfect (step) father I could have ever wished for my kids.” This type of letter from her was quite common and I felt the same way. When we were talking to the psychologist, he asked: “Sherri, 10 days ago you wrote these words to Ken. What happened in the intervening 10 days?” She could not answer; she would just stare out of the window and say, “are we done yet?”
And all of you are correct, nobody wants to hear about this. Most people say, “”just get over it.” Or, “after 2 years, are you still talking about this shit?” Or, “I can’t believe that; there are always 3 sides to a divorce, his side, her side and the truth.”
I never got to tell ’em my side. I never got closure.
The Doctor’s called the multiple traumas I experienced, “Shakespaerean trauma.” I guess because it was so sudden and dramatic:
1) I was extremely ill and on chemo.
2) My spouse became (mentally) ill.
3) We were forced to divorce and our family destroyed.
4) When the chemo ended ”“ I was unemployed; my job had been eliminated.
Four, major, traumas hit over a short period of time and I survived. Both psychologists said that there was one piece of good news. I, they said, am an “extremely strong” individual. They have had patient’s suffer nervous breakdowns and become hospitalized — who had less trauma than me.
It has taken me two weeks to write this. I must stop somewhere. And I haven’t even got to describe how women react when I date them — and they ask about my divorce. Thank you for listening and any comments appreciated.
Blindsided… WOW, every time I think we’ve heard it all here, a story unlike any other comes along. That must have been just indescribable for you. I have heard of stuff like that happening but never to anyone I know, at least while I’ve known them.
Welcome to this blog, you’ll find supportive friends here. Stick around.
Dear Blindsided,
WOW! Is all I can say, but I do absolutely believe you 100%, your story is about as bizarre as my own, and I am sorry that anyone else has had such a sudden run of “bad luck.”
My first husband became suddenly Bi-polar and his father was a psychopath so he ended up with the help of his parents leaving me in the middle of a move to another town, when I got to the new house for signing the closing papers, he wasn’t there and the agent informed me ‘HONEY, HE IS DIVORCING YOU.” Have a nice day. I was left destitute and literally homeless with my two kids and the cat. (I had to get a court order to get the dog back from my inlaws, and the dog they gave me was NOT my dog, just one of the same breed.)
I’m so sorry you have experienced such hell on earth. It sounds like your wife was in a big manic state when she did all this. My husband had apparently been bi-polar for a long time, but just never had a big mania before. I didn’t see it coming either, but looking back our “perfect marriage’ had some “red flags” that I would have seen NOW, but at the time didn’t at all.
There is a correlation with psychopathic personality disorder and bi-polar according to Dr. Leedom and the research she has posted on here, so you might read some of that. She might very well have been able to “hold it together” until the mania hit. Mania makes them do some strange things that you would not have ever predicted.
My guess too is that her new BF is also personality disordered and is using her for a “sugar mama” so the relationship will probably fizzle out sooner or later with her turning on him like a mad badger as well.
It seems sometimes like when we are “down” (like you were with the chemo and cancer) that “everything in the world” falls in around us at the same time, sort of “kicks us when we are down” so to speak.
Don’t worry about how long your post was, it is obvious that you have a lot to say. If they kicked you off this blog for long posts I would have been gone a LONG TIME AGO@.......!
“Shakespaerean trauma” sounds like a great name for the train that hit you—with every box car on it! At least you do have therapists that “get it” and many don’t.
You have come to a great place for healing, so make yourself at home, and stay around a while, as Aloha says, and read and learn everything you can about this personality disorder. Even though your X also has bi-polar that doesn’t exclude her from developing psychopathic traits if not full blown psychopathic personality disorder. It is obvious that she is cruel and hateful toward you and your children, and using lies to seek “revenge” against you for whatever it is that she has decided you need to be “punished” for.
I’m also sorry that she lives in your neighborhood. I know that a sense of community is important and few of us have a community outside of LF that really “do get it”—how horrible the trauma is, not just a “nasty divorce” but a visitation from SATAN him/herself.
The fact that you have survived so many traumas in such a short period of time speaks volumes for your strength and good sense! Good for you! Hang on to that strength and take care of YOURSELF and your daughter. Welcome to LF, it is a SAFE place here, and there are lots of wise people here who will be here to support you. Feel free to post a novel ifyou need to.
Kat & Ox…thank you. I just sobbed. I will write more in the very near future. I did not even mention that this ex now has gotten a “tramp stamp” tatoo on her lower back (from the BF). She was mowing the lawn today with a bathing suit showing this cheap piece of art.
I wish there could be “no-contact” but with her literally 1 block away (there is only one way in and out-the same, single street) I see her at least — and as many as 4 times daily. Each sighting is like a stab in my heart.
blindsided…i am so sorry for all your pain and distress….wow it is hard to fathom someone changing so abruptly….o one in their right mind could be so cruel…i feel for the children who must suffer through all this…..you have come to a wonderful place of healing…take a deep breath and feel welcome and safe and loved…this is where you come to get stronger and be refreshed and renewed……..give yourself and you daughter a huge hug….terri
Blindsided – Man my heart goes out to you. I think I would have to move if I were you. You are very strong. I remember the first time I posted I didn’t think anyone would respond. But this super woman named OX DROVER responded the very next day… I sobbed..and then they all came to hear me and help me….hang tuff….and keep posting and sobbing…..
Having read some of the comments here, in a small way, I guess I am lucky “so far”
first met A 21 years ago, just separated after a 15 year marriage. she was actually looking in my ex-wifes new car, that i purchased for her the year before. A was/is a classic beauty who would stop traffic on an expressway. being in a divorce that I did not want, I had the typical false ego of a man who felt like a complete failure. so i asked her over to my home to cook me/us dinner!!! though that did not go very well
within 3 weeks we did go out..and the firsr 30 min went well, until,,,as we are traveling down the highway in my new benz sl
topdown, beautiful night.and she comes out with “how much she misses JOE…??? second red flag was at dinner, she tried to humiluate me, for being so stupid for ordering her salid before her entree!! dropped her off with my head reeling!!
several weeks went by and I called her on easter sunday, asking if I could drop by, when I did I gave her flowers and a watch and the first thing out of her mouth was how much did the watch cost? wow this women is beautiful, but the mind is saying “something is wrong with this picture” I leave and amazing as it seems, as I pulled into a gas station, the guy in front looks and drives the same truck that A descrbed that good ole JOE had. I has to ask….and yes it was Joe, and he had dumped her awhile back, he wished me luck and that was all to the conversation.
a week later I recieve the most evil letter in the mail accusing me of ruining A’s relationship with this guy, I was shocked,upset and totally bewildered as I said or did nothing wrong…..no contact with A for 4 years…..shows up at my office all smiles with a very convincing business propasition.
I said let’s talk about it over at my house in the pool, this women is so georgous she could sell you any “bridge” over the next 2 months, we fly around the country and the business is a failure. she dissapears for several more years. and shows up at my door and wants a baby she is now 41 and invirto did not work, and looking at the gene pool she now wanted to do it the old fashioned way. did not work thank god.
this is getting boring and long so i will cut to the chase,
in 98 we went to tahoe for a week and I stopped seeing her shortly thereafter. was in a long term relationship 7 years. and two weeks after it ended I CALLED HER UP. much to my shock she agreed to see me that night,,,we have been together for just over two years, and it has been a living hell.
gave her money jewels, heart soul time gave her my best, feeling that this time i will not fail this relationship. last week while at a dinner party she told the host that i beat her all the time, the host who knows me very well asked her to leave
immediatly I took her back to my place and while packing up her things to take her home she called the local police and accused me of beating her up. I never touched a women in my life…I am well known and the police left my home with no report nor action..I took her home the next day and she shows
absoultly no remorse about the incident.
I am on a road less traveled as I still care deeply for her.
did i mention she was the physical abuser, or did I mention she has not had a job for 11 years.
Help me