Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
and he permeated evil how ever u spell that word, his karma was evil i could feel it sense it fear it i was under his spell they are powerful those demon’s they are…
OMG!!!! “I don’t give a fu%k what you think????” That was my s/p’s MOTTO!!!
and, in the end, before he admitted he was cheating and got his new ‘girl’ pregnant, all i heard was what a ‘whore’ i was?
are they pod people!?!? i feel like i’m living in a bad dream.
yeah he said things like I am tired of supporting your habits!!! excuse me? he wasnt supporting anything but his prick…… i could go on and on but I wont it was just all bullchit and they do what they do i am going to stop trying to figure him/them out my brain is fried got to stop
He threatened to expose (my habit’s) to my sons and employer’s excuse me HE was my habit now if I could just stop smokin
One thing I have learned about myself in all this is – I will never ignore my intuition again – it is there to protect me from myself….
Dear Tood, et al,
Yes, they have this way of “telling the truth” –my P-son did it, and it was like a bucket of cold water flung in my face without warning. One minute he was saying “But MOM, what would JESUS do?” (the mask) then it dropped in a micro-second and the FACE, the LOOK OF EVIL was there and he BRAGGED ABOUT WHAT HE HAD DONE (MURDER). When I responded in a calm voice and a flat affect (it apparently didn’t start the fight he wanted to or apparently scare me) and he IMMEDIATELY went back to “But mom, what would JESUS DO?” AND THE SCARIEST part is that he SAW NO CONTRADICTIONS in the two back to back statements.
That NOT SEEING THE CONTRADICTIONS in their words is something Dr. Robert Hare mentioned in his book “Without Conscience” and I think that is almost a DIAGNOSTIC thing, Normal people try to keep their “lies striaght” and make them “beleiveable” but the Ps LIE WHEN THEY ARE NOT EVEN BELIEVEABLE, when the evidence that it is a LIE is right in front of your eyes, they still HOLD ON TO THE LIE. They don’t see the contradiction at all. The ways they try (and sometimes do) TWIST reality is (head shaking here) so twisted there isn’t any way a “normal” person can truly get our heads around it. I SEE it, but I don’t know how it operates.
Henry, I thought your internet was going this morning? Did you get a good rain? We got 2-3 inches still misting some today. Watered my raised bed garden I put in the other day. Mostly herbs and a couple of ‘matter plants for late crop.
Listening to our INTUITION and watching for the RED FLAGS, like when they say “I’m a bad MF” BELIEVE THEM.
Lostingrief, yes I think they are pod people!!! LOL I couldn’t help but laugh at that. They are horrid!
I find this impotence thing so interesting. My ex definitely had problems. Our sex life wasn’t the greatest as a result. But I also know he talked about S&M stuff that I wasn’t into. I have a suspicion that he got his kicks in ways that he knew I wouldn’t play. He has a problem with being seen as perfect LOL. Yes, I know, they all do. Since I didn’t approve or respond with enthusiasm to the few sick fantasies he shared with me, I believe his little problem…and I do mean little (sorry I couldn’t help it but it’s so true) was a result of that. He wouldn’t push me sexually because I had already rejected his fantasies. If there’s one thing I am…it’s honest! His fantasies were about control and degradation. No surprises there huh?
I do know that they withdraw when they get too close or feel too “attached”. I look at them as having an attachment disorder in general. I believe they don’t attach emotionally because of fear of abandonment and fear of anyone having any “control” over them. My ex told me after we broke up and his attempts to control me failed, that he only felt “sane” spending time with those he had no attachment to. I believe this. Even though I was seen as a possession he was attached to me. His ego state was dependent on how I responded to him. Since I was constantly “threatening” him in his eyes by holding him accountable for his behavior, I was threatening to abandon him. He took that very much like I was “controlling” him. He needed to detach and seek attention elsewhere to heal his wounded ego. Took me awhile to figure that one out. Luckily he revealed himself very well through his own admissions.
As for their self-descriptions of being the devil, etc.,…my ex said he could be like the antichrist and people still came to him. He said it as if exasperated by the idea LOL. Oh he was so histrionic! His admission to sef-sabotaging and all was so true. They are very sadistic creatures who love the drama. A confusing bunch though. In one moment they cry and seek pity and want us to run to them. The next moment they are dark and fatalistic and we’re supposed to leave them alone to brood. It would be nice if they came with an instruction booklet LOL.
I don’t know about you but I couldn’t keep up. It’s like in the song, “Fly”. “It would take an acrobat and I’ve already tried all that. I’m gonna let him fly.” Now spread those bat wings and scurry off little buggers! LOL Sorry I just couldn’t resist!
Love,
“Lucy”
Tood, Kat, rperk & Ox”..Wow and wow! All of you touched on extremely salient points (Tood-the rat, shifting seats, is awful). Again, no shame” I feel very welcome and good about the fact that I m not alone. One of the things that I see in common is the attitude from some neighbors and friends that my ex “looks so normal.” She, in fact, is quite stunning and does not act as I have described to others this way. Of course, the manipulation vis ‘a vis the children allowed them to see the behavior. The one time we spoke in the last 24 months, I asked her, “What did you tell “Franny” & “Doug” (my stepchildren of 10 years) about why they can’t see me or “Rachel” ”“ and how you replaced me with a 28 year old bum you met 48 hours ago?”
She replied, “They told me they secretly hated you for the last ten years.” At least with you folks at LF I do not have to explain the absurdity of that lie.
Ox, you ”“ you said some very special things that will allow me to segue into the next level of my pain. You are wonderful”really
Part of my mental pain has been the following: There is no man on earth that loves women more than I do. I love everything about them. They are our lovers and mothers and daughters and sisters. There is no man on earth that enjoyed being married more than me. There is no guy on earth that enjoyed being a father as much as I did. There is no guy on earth that loved his wife as much as I did.
The result? I will never get married again. This is another tragedy / trauma that I have to deal with in my brain on a daily basis. Love them, yes. Live with them, sure. Share everything and enjoy life, of course. Marry, never! As the Jews said of the holocaust, “Never again!” This was a, personal, holocaust for me and I can say, “Never again.”
As far as dating is concerned, please remember, I was separated 24 months ago and have been living all by myself ever since in a 4 bedroom 4 bath home on a lake. I am human and crave human relationship like anyone else. I have had no problem as (in my area, at least) I am considered quite a “catch.” Most of the women in our circle think my ex was insane to lose me ”“ and they are often referring their, single, friends to me! Though a decade of my life was wasted with my ex and I am now 49, in the (K.C.) area I am constantly approached by a large number of women; getting dates is not a problem — and I have had a lot of fun with women 35 to 55. I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 24 MONTHS.
The problem lies in describing my divorce. This question, a logical and normal one at that, is very difficult to answer. Every woman asks it. Do I tell a date the, Jerry Springer like, saga? While truthful, it casts an image of me that is not at all what I am really like! Worse yet, some will doubt me and say, “I am sure there is another side to the story (you are not telling me)” This puts me in a position of defending myself. Do I demur? If I do, they are suspicious. Moreover, I do not blame them.
AS mentioned by another post, I do have proof. I do have evidence. I do have court documents showing that I settled a defamation lawsuit against the psycho as well as signed documents wherein she said that she did indeed tell over 100 blatant lies about me. I do have letters and medical records from the Doctor’s documenting her condition and behavior. However, do I want to show them? Does anybody want to see them? As far as I can tell, no. They bring up bad memories. I so would like to move forward”And I think writing on this site helps me a lot. This might be the best step yet.
Which leads me to Ox’ comment regarding reading, learning and absorbing everything I can about these vicious people. I think I have done that — TOO MUCH. I have, for the last 24 months, done nothing but read, think and discuss this shit with my therapist(s). I think I have read every word at Lovefraud — and 100’s of other sites. I have read at least 100 books on the human condition, psychopaths, P/D’s etc. My life has been consumed by this. I want to move in a different direction.
Writing about it here just might be the trick : ) BTW, after a 12 hour round trip taking my daughter to college today, I returned to my home and, while driving by the ex’s ”“ saw her smoking a joint with the 29 yr. old husband while sitting on their front porch. Isn’t that special?
BTW, did I mention that in month 7 of chemo my ex called CIGNA’s fraud hotline and told them I was, “not taking the chemo and was duping the system for disability money.” ? That caused all medical payments to my providers to stop while we filed a, 90 day, (successful) appeal and benefits were re-instated. Wasn’t that pleasant of her? : ) Next post, A “satellite” tumor pops out of my foot ”“ due to the strain she brought on our marriage. I couldn’t make this up.
Oxy, I have to completely agree that contradicting themselves is a huge component of the P or S or whatever they are LOL. My P clients constantly contradict themselves just as the S did. I find it baffling. If I reflect this back to them in session I watch them seethe yet quickly and without missing a beat either change the subject or cooly try to justify one stance or the other or both!
I had a client once tell me he believes he is borderline sociopathic. He said in all honesty that he has the makings of a serial killer. He is correct as he does. He not as far as I know. But the ingredients are there. He shared that he always has two streams of thought going at once. They are always in contrast to each other. However he believes that they are both true. He admitted that he will constantly switch from one stream of thought to the next. What does this do? It leads him to contradict himself all the time. It’s funny how he came to tell me this. I was doing an initial assessment and followed a hunch. I started to ask very specific questions including whether people ever reflected to him that he contradicted himself. He hadn’t done so yet in that session but when the gut starts talking now I listen! I didn’t say a word about sociopathy when he blurted out his own suspicions regarding himself. Interesting eh? They know they’re different. If only they’d stay in reality long enough we might have a chance to treat them. But they slip back into their ego defense mode and bam they’re gone!
I don’t know if I can generalize that particular client to all Ps but it makes sense. It’s based on distrust. This client trusts nothing and no one and can’t even trust reality or his own thinking enough to decide which stream of thought is actually true. So he holds on to both. I know many people say that Ps aren’t psychotic but they don’t trust reality. The truth can be right in front of their eyes but if it doesn’t match the desires of their ego they distort it until it fits. This is delusional as they create illusions by doing so. That is psychotic in my book.
Dear Blindsided,
Being divorced 24 months (or any other measure of “time”) doesn’t mean much unless you are pretty close to being “healed.” (which, I think is a journey, not a destination)
There are those of us here who have been separated or divorced for years and still don’t feel ready to date or have a relationship.
I realize you have been horribly hurt. I am both a widow and also a victim of a P-XBF who caught me after my husband’s death while I was very vulnerable. That’s been well over 2 yrs ago since I kicked that creep to the curb, but I still am not interested in dating at this point, because dating and relationships take energy that I think is better focused on my own healing. My story is about as bizarre as yours, but no sense in going into all the details. Sufice it to say that right now my OWN SELF HEALING is the single most important thing in my life.
Too many times people jump into another relationship to “quiet” the pain (I did that after the loss of my husband in a plane crash) and it was a disaster. Many people get involved with “serial Ps” for the same reason. If you are not “healthy” yourself, you can’t be half of a healthy relationship.
You say that you love women but will never again “marry” one, live with, etc. but never marry. To me “the lady protesteth too much”—sure, right now you probably feel that way, but “never name the well from which you will never drink under any circumstances.” I’ve done that too many times and had to eat crow over it. LOL
You may have women crawling all over you as a “great catch” and in your age range there aren’t many men out there that ARE great catches—more of them are WINOS and REJECTS. (No Joke) So in your age group you there are about 100 women for every single male, and if you eliminate the winos and rejects, you have about 75 women (statisticaly) to choose from from 30 yrs old to 60 yrs old, so that leaves you a bunch to pick your choice from.
From your first post, though, i gathered that you are still HURTING QUITE BADLY and that her living near you is upsetting to you, etc. That was why I suggested that you might not want to get into a relationship right away until you were closer to having this episode come to “acceptence” and “peace” in your heart and mind.
Having Bi-polar diagnosed at her age is rare, but it does happen, I had a friend (a physician) who was diagnosed at 34 after a severe manic episode. Prior to that she had been able to cope and never had any “way out” behavior before. She sought and got treatment and is now quite functional on medication and continues her practice.
It is also quite common in my experience that many people with the bi-polar become so narcissistic that they actually LOVE THE HIGHS and don’t want medication to bring the back to “base line”–the euphoria is apparently better than street drugs for some. (I am a retired Registered Advance Practice Nurse [Nurse Practitioner] with some mental health back ground as well as family medical practice).
Patients with Bi-polar that are motivated and compliant with their medications are usually able to live normal lives, or pretty close to normal.
YOu say that you were “blindsided” and I do not doubt you one bit, but at the same time, I have the feeling that your wife may have been wearing a “mask” like many of our X’es were. They can wear them for years and appear to be the BEST person in the world, but boy O boy, when that mask slips and you see the SATANIC creature behind the mask, it is something that BLINDSIDES you. If you have never had experience in this kind of thing, like many people, hell, like MOST people, you “over look” the little tings that would give them away to an “experienced” person, because after all this trauma WE KNOW what to look for NOW. It was a “high tuition” course at the University of Hard Knocks, but we finally got a DEGREE! Unfortunately for me and many others, we had to repeat some of the classes with different “professors”–I started out with a Biological father-P, a P-son, a P-maternal Uncle, a P-x FIL, a P XDIL, a P-XBF, etc etc. not counting bosses and previous business partners. I finally got my DEGREE and “graduated” from that School. I’m still healing, treating the wounds, and working on learning more about all this.
God Knows that you have faced THE BEAST and MULTIPLE BEASTS, all while fighting cancer. There is no one on here who wishes you peace, harmony and a happy life than I do, you can bet the farm on that. I just know the toll that the kind of stress we get from facing MULTIPLE BEASTS for years on end takes on our souls, our minds, our emotions and our hearts.
When I change dtherapists and went to one closer to me for my PTSD from the plane crash, after two hours of giving him my story, he had me bring in a WITNESS to verify that I wasn’t some kind of paranoid nut case. He put it sweeter than that, but that’s essentially what he wanted to verify. LOL I laughed, because most of us have stories that are ‘TOO CRAZY TO BE BELIEVEABLE”—truth is stranger than fiction!
Your post (above) sounds more farther along in the healing process today. I’m not trying in any way to criticize you at all, I’m sure you got enough of that already from your X. I’m just giving my opinon for whatever it’s worth. Sometimes it is difficult to get the entire drift in a written form. But do stay around a while, no one is going to “dis” you here, this is a wonderfully supportive place and a great group of bloggers. Lots of good information as well. I’ve pretty well got it all down “intellectually” but still from time to time have trouble with the emotional acceptence that my entire freaking family except for my other two sons are Ps, or if not technically Ps, they are just as TOXIC. I’m also trying to get to the point that I don’t beat myself up once in a while for “being so stupid.”
Aloha calls that “informed denial”—-she’s so great with the phrases, cuts to the core of the BS in o nly a few words. I take paragraphs to say what she can say in fwo or three words. LOL Anyway, glad you are here, and hope your roads get less bumpy as the rest of your life goes on, I think you’ve had enough “excitement” to last a while.