Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
Dear Takingmeback,
I’ve seen what I THINK you are talking about in my P-son, but I am not sure that it is that they don’t “trust reality,” but that they want so badly to DENY it. I think it is what Hare says is because (he thinks) the left brain doesn’t communicate with the right so that one side of the brain can’t SEE that what is being said is CONTRADICTED by the evidence.
One example he gave was asking a female P if she “loved her children” and she said “Of course I love my children” but she couldn’t connect that if you love your children you feed them and nurture them, not abandon them.
The very first “signs” (though I did not recognize it at the time for what it was) that my son was a P was when he was 11 and stole something (short version) anyway when he was confronted with the evidence and three witnesses HE STILL DENIED IT even in front of the witnesses.
I think it was on this site that there was a blog or thread about them and their lying, about like a 5 yr old would. Say the father told Johnny to stay out of the cookies, and then dad HEARS the cookie jar open and knows that Johnny is in the cookies, but Johnny can’t comprehend that dad can HEAR the jar opening. But when dad comes in, and finds Johnny’s hand in the jar, Johnny says “Oh, dad I was just getting YOU a cookie.” Smart little buggers 4 -5 yr olds are, but the Ps seem to be STUCK in that stage of lying sometimes.
When my own P-son told me about his crime and how horrible it was and made the comment “If you knew about it you wouldn’t like me so much”—I’m still not sure if he was trying to frighten me or was just so frustrated he let his mask slip, but 5 seconds before that he was “Preaching Jesus” to me, and 5 seconds AFTER he was again “preaching Jesus” to me and he COULD NOT SEE ANY CONTRADICTION IN THE TWO CONVERSATIONS.
I noticed that when working with the inpatient borderlines (adolescents) one minute they would be trying to kill me, cursing me, hurling things at me, and 5 minutes later they wanted to hug on me. They also don’t seem to “get it” that when you try to punch my lights out, that I have not forgotten this 5 minutes later. They act like it just didn’t happen. Yet, I know that at any time they can “blow up” into that state of RAGE and VIOLENCE without any warning.
I wonder if some of the “high end” borderlines (usually females) are not really the female equivalent of the psychopath (usually male). I also wonder where the “cut off” is between the two, though BPDs are more apt to self mutilate than psychopaths are. BPS are potentially violent, and seriously violent (like murder). In the real world (rather than just “clinically”) I wonder how much REAL difference there is between the way they behave? Maybe the “whys” are different, but the behavior seems to be so much the same between all the personality disorders, it is just the SCALE of the behavior from BAD to WORSE to HORRIBLE that may be different.
I’m not qualified to make those decisions clinically, but I say “if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, etc” then see if your hunting license and your duck stamp are current!@.......! (Joke)
Like Dr. Leedom said in her article about “treatment”–even if you could “treat” them so they weren’t as violent, do you really want to stay in a relationship with one? NOPE, a resounding NO!
Blindsided, wow. I just read about your experience. I understand that you’ve been through quite an ordeal. I am amazed at how much you’ve endured. I would like to share some reflections with you, and as my former post mentioned, I am honest to a fault.
There’s no doubt that your story is harrowing. No one deserves to be left in a moment of weakness or need (such as during chemo). The sudden onset of your ex-wife’s illness and PDO is interesting to me as a therapist. I was left wondering if she didn’t get a rather large blow to the head while away on business. Her sudden change in personality is quite chilling. It’s no doubt a difficult story to share with others.
Taking all of that into account I have to say that I’m a bit taken aback by your posts. It would be quite helpful to have some clarification to try to understand where you’re coming from. No better way to seek that than to share what I have seen that’s caused me to take a few steps back while reading your posts.
As I mentioned, your experience sounds harrowing indeed. But it is the bravado that comes from your posts which has me feeling rather, well…unsettled. Perhaps I am reading something into it that is not there. Indeed everyone here has been through a traumatic experience. There’s no way to compare one to another. Nor should we. Yet despite your denial of doing so in your first post, I feel as if you believe there is some need to prove yours. Mentioning the combined 60 years of experience of your therapists, (who you made sure to point out are doctors), the court documents, newpaper articles, detailed dates, etc. I am confused.
At first I thought that perhaps you may have felt a need to lay it all out there fearing us LFers may not believe you. Then I read your second post. I would say you are very self-confident but actually, to tell you the truth, I feel as if your post is a bit overconfident. The 4 bedroom house on the lake, being a good catch, being constantly approached by a large number of women, etc. Even having a lot of fun with women age 35 to 55??? The statement that you’ve been having a lot of fun dating as, afterall, it’s been 24 months. Again, is that coming from some need to jusitfy why you’re having fun dating? I don’t get it. Then you mentioned your age, where you are located and things that, well, I guess I just didn’t get why you felt a need to mention them. It sounded like a dating ad.
All of us on here are certainly at different stages of recovery. Perhaps I am not sure exactly what opinions, empathy and fellowship you are seeking here. You said yourself that your psychologists told you that you were a strong person and others who’ve experienced less trauma than you have suffered nervous breakdowns. I have not read anything besides how horrid your ex-wife has behaved. I’m not sure just how that experience affected you. I’m left wanting to ask you if you had any emotional reaction at all? Did you grieve at all about the sudden onset of your ex-wife’s illness? I know you could have used her support while you were undergoing chemo but I for one know even while seeing the illness I felt badly for my ex and wanted to help him. Only I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time.
I am not trying to tear your posts apart to be rude. But am I protective of this site? Yes. Am I weary about how your posts have come across to me? Yes. Have I learned some hard truths through my experience that have cause me to question things more? Yes. So please don’t take offense although I’m not sure how you wouldn’t. I am truly not trying to be offensive, I am truly, hands down, confused.
Yes, “Lucy” it at it again
correction…is at it again…where’s Henry so we can make fun of my typo?
Dear Takingmeback,
Henry canceled his internet service, but he will check iin from time to time on his son’s computer.
What the heck are we doing up at this hour? It is 2 a.m. here in central time zone. I slept late this morning (it was raining here) so I guess that’s my reason–love to sleep when it is raining! Lovely fall weather although it is only Mid August.
Gosh your above post sounds so “therapisty,” Lucy (is that a word?) –maybe Blindsided better send you 5 cents. LOL (I wish I knew how to make the “cents” mark on my computer. I am sure there is some way to do it.)
My son C is coming home this weekend and I am anxious to see him and rub his bald head! He looks just like his great grandfather, bald head and all!
Things are finally settling down around here and getting some progress “showing up” all at once. We’ve been working hard on lots of different projects, but not finished any of them but the last few days several have been finished and there are others nearly finished. Still plenty to go though, so won’t run out of work any time soon. I still can’t get out of the mind set of “gaging” how good a day it has been by how much work I accomplish. I am taking some time to do some fun things and do some things off the farm. My son borrows my iron skillet that I hit Henry with when he gets out of line, and BONKS me on the head to make me slow down and not work all the time.
I plan to start some paintings soon, and am having fun decorating the “studio” with all kinds of things that I have “lying around” so haven’t spent a dime on it, but having lots of fun building my “play house.”
Trying to lead a “balanced” life is my next project–and I think I’m getting there. It does seem some how “odd” that things are going so smoothly. Almost makes me paranoid when things get too “good” after having been chaos for so long. LOL October will be five years since my stepdad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and life has been topsy turvey since then, with dad’s illness, my husband’s death, my dad’s death, the P XBF, then the “home invasion” last year and all the moves it has entailed etc. So it has only been since last December that I have really had ANY peace at all during that time.
Has anyone but me noticed that “time” expands and shrinks as we think about it? It seems only yesterday my kids were pre-school, and yet it seems like this whole 5 year stretch of grief and chaos has gone on only a few months. “The days go slow, and the years go fast.” I don’t know who said that, but it is so true.
Well, I’m getting philosophical (and I’m not even drinking) so I think It is time for me to go to bed. Goodnite everyone! Good nite, Lucy ((((Hugs)))))
Oxy, did you speak/write too soon? LOL No honestly I’m not dissing Blindsided. If I’m out of line please let me know. I can hack it. I’m not try to cause any waves. We’re all coming from different places here. I just feel quite uncomfortable and feel a need to check it out. Never experienced that here. OK, yes one other time when there was someone blogging who literally kept telling everyone what to do and what was wrong with their healing process. That did send a big red flag.
Anyhow, I do believe we are all here to support each other. I hope I didn’t mar that image to anyone regarding my intentions to do the same.
As for the whole denying/distorting/distrusting reality conundrum, I saw a lot of paranoia in my ex while in a “life crisis”- at least for him. For him to admit what he did was rather surprising. Now of course the mask is back on and I am the uber-enemy in his eyes. I guess it was my fault he revealed himself to me and I didn’t fix him.! LOL Kind of like one of my antisocial clients who is furious that I don’t “get” them. Just as my ex was furious no one “got” him either. I do get them to a certain degree but I can’t change the world for them. The way they perceive life is impossible with what they’ve revealed to me. The envy, hatred of others’ happiness and success, desire to control everything and be all powerful, etc. That’s where I see a split in reality. They know what’s realistic, refuse to accept it and distort their “reality” until it fits how they want it to look.
I guess whether they distrust reality or are denying it, it comes down to the same thing. Reality is painful for them, this I believe, so they split. But hearing it compared to dissociating and DID could it not be possible that they can be aware of both at the same time depending on the person, and thus believe both what they see and what they feel they must see? I’m just speculating here.
Regardless, they do lie like children and are developmentally stuck in childhood in many ways. My ex said once if I truly knew him I wouldn’t like him as he’s not a nice person. I thought it was self-deprecating poor-depressed-widower talk. Nah, he was right. But he never stayed in that stage for long until after we broke up. I guess that’s why I didn’t buy into it as he would snap out of it in the beginning. Like your son preaching one moment, confessing the next and then resuming his preaching. Wow, it’s amazing how they don’t catch themselves. It’s like they hit reality for a second and it’s too much so they zap out of it as if nothing happened.
Dear Takingmeback,
Yea, I’m not sure all the whys, and maybe some of them are different in different individuals. I just know that they are ALL TOXIC.
I’m also glad i am not having to deal with them clinically every day either. Much less on a personal level. Unfortunately we had more BPDs on STAFF at times than as patients. LOL
Funny how that works.
I am really interested in the work that is being done on the genetic end of it, and the other things that are coming out of medical science now. I wish I could be around in 100 years to see what medicine and mental health have become. Look how far they have come with treating bi-polar and other mental illnesses. (under good circumstances at least) I’ve seen some miracles of treatment, and some dismal failures when the patients would not cooperate. Too many are in jail now and not getting treatment. Too many on the streets that aren’t getting it either. But, it has gotten better since they are generally no longer chaining them in basements so the neighbors won’t know.
The man who made the Bowie knife, James Bowie, went “insane” in his later years (50s or so) and was chained in a back room at a friend’s house until he died.
The Ps can sure as heck distort reality. I wish I could “get my head” around how they think, but my opinion on this is that because they ahve no conscience and we do, they can’t realize exactly how we think and we can’t realize how they think. All we can do is observe behavior.
Just like I can see that my Collies are actually thinking, reasoning, as well as acting by instinct, but I can’t know HOW they think, what language they use to think in. I can observe the behavior, and see what their conclusions are, but the how and why process I can’t really grasp. I think WE are so different from the Ps that it is almost like we are another species in many ways. The things that make us “human”–the ability to bond, etc. to love, to nurture, they don’t have. They can FAKE it like an actor (and many of them are darned good) but they can’t FEEL the motivation that makes us do kind things. They have a totally different motivation than we do for what they do. But still, even though I can say that with some surety, I can’t really GRASP what it would feel like to BE THEM.
If I punched you in the nose without any warning. You would be shy of being around me after I punched you (cause you would lose trust in me) but THEY DON’T GET THAT some how that TRUST can be lost by that kind of behaivor. YET, they expect you to be TRUST-WORTHY with them. If you were to lie to them they NEVER FORGET IT and rage about it, try to get revenge, but if THEY do something “bad” you are supposed to forget it instantly and go back to being “buddies.” Like it didn’t happen. DUH????? Do they get the contradiction there? or do they just pretend they don’t? I’m not sure. I actually think that they don’t GET IT. There are two sets of rules (that they made up) one for you and one for them. Somehow that seems “okay” to them, they don’t get the contradiction there either–or do they?
Time for bed, I’m getting punchy now. Nite lucy! xoox
Oxy, I’m glad my post sounded “therapisty” LOL. I was trying not to sound too confrontational. But I am “Lucy” afterall LOL. Besides, I prefer to ask questions and be honest than to make an assumption and be wrong.
I am soooo excited to hear that your son C is coming home. I don’t even know him but I’ve been reading your posts and I feel YOUR excitement. I am looking forward to hearing about your house full of people this fall too and wish I could be there sharing in the feast! Nothing like sitting around the kitchen table chatting and chewing!
It sounds like you’re doing so well. I can relate to that “odd” feeling of a chaos free life LOL. I had that before the S and I’m getting it back again. I was miffed after losing it. I worked hard for that with setting boundaries with my family and refusing to be their rescuer any longer. Then what did I go and do but repeat history. Yeah, I need to be very careful about picking up stray baggage that I’ve tossed to the side of the road! One marked rescuer. Another marked guilt, shame and blame….etc. But no fears about what’s coming down the pike. Whatever it is will reach us in due time. No need to be paranoid about it LOL. Enjoy today is all I can say. We have grace sufficient for right now. Don’t miss it!
I hope to soon be joining you in decorating too as I need to set up my place here. Set up LOL. I’ve been here 6 years. But when my roommate left she took all the living room furniture (as it was hers). I had given a lot of my furniture away when she moved in. But it was stuff I honestly didn’t want and that family could use at the time. So I have some empty rooms now that need filling. I still haven’t figured out what I want to do just yet. But it sounds like you’re having fun! Pass that on over here will ya? I have always loved decorating and changing things up around the house. If only I had some money lying around me thinks it’d be done by now LOL. But what fun to decorate a studio. So good to hear you intend to paint! I’ve never been very good at that. I love to draw and charcoals are my favorite…messy but my favorite. I wish I could paint. It’s just great to hear you doing all this for yourself 🙂
Although I really don’t advocate violence, I am glad your son is bonking you over the head with your iron skillet LOL. Ah, yee olde iron skillet for Henry. I do hope Henry comes back often to catch up. I miss him already! But back to the skillet, there is something about sitting still and just existing in the moment without having the urge to do a dozen things at once. I thank Dexedrine for that LOL. Otherwise, I’d be right there with ya! I laugh when I see dishes in the sink now or any clutter for that matter. Never could stand it. Now I have to force myself to do chores. My family is in awe. So am I LOL. Luckily it hasn’t gotten too bad as I still couldn’t tolerate a huge mess. But it’s still quite a switch. But however you accomplish it, I do advocate that you take time to sit and relax every now and again. Sometimes that’s when I hear God best. In the whisper of the wind as I sit along a mountain top, laying in the hammock under a starry sky in the stillness of the night, and, yes, even when I couch and stare at the ceiling (a bit hard to do right now without a couch though LOL). So be still dear Oxy if just for a moment and let me know if you hear anything!
As for why we’re up so- late I have no idea! It’s now almost 4am here. I tend to have difficulty sleeping during the work week. Thank goodness it’s a 4 day work week! I work late quite often to accomodate seeing client’s after they get off of work in the evening. Takes me a bit to get home and wind-down. However, this week has been an exception. This is night #2 that I’ve been up this late. Best be heading off to bed myself!
Tell me, when you rub your son’s bald head does it shine? If so does it make the little “pling” sound like you hear in the cartoons and does a miniature star appear? I’m sure your son would appreciating that comment 🙂
Night Oxy…Lots of Love…”Lucy”
Oxy, OK a quick reply before hitting the hay. First, thank God we don’t know what it’s like to feel the way they do. Second, they are the definition of a double standard…one for us, one for them. My ex actually said his late-wife was like that. He described her as an N without realizing it. I often thought he was a victim until he began behaving like that towards me! Then I realized that what they say about you and other victims is what is true about themselves. They project everything! It’s amazing that he lived out his own script and didn’t get it. Or as you questioned, did he get it/
I still get irked when I think about his reaction if I brought up something he threatened to do to me. He would rant like a child, “I said I wasn’t going to do that!” Oh, OK, I somehow missed that somewhere in the midst of the choatic cloud that had encompassed my world! I guess as I hung by my toes, suspended in mid-air, I should have figured that one out! Oxy, I so don’t miss the drama. One minute they say this, the next they deny it, the next they changed their mind so you are to never speak of it again….oh, I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
Of to dreamland I go!
LOL You can tell the time by my typos. A bit more than the norm I hope!
Takingmeback,
The post came across the same way to me. I consider posting what sounds like a personal ad on this site to be a red flag.