Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
i realize that everytime ive had contact with my ex. he acts like he is the victim. all i hear is how he made a mistake. im not being a adult about this sitution. i left him. he loves me. how mean iam to him. how different iam to him. its the first sign that nothing changed with him, not that i really expect anything. it just renforces my decsion to get away.
Well said, Odette!
I also hope that you get your money from your brother. I agree that it may divide your family, but at the same time if it does, it does. I’ve been there and just because someone is blood to you does not mean that they should be allowed to abuse you with impunity. You go girl!
I’m glad that you are doing well and making good progress.
This is exactly what I needed to read today. I have been triggered in a HUGE way. I went to see my cousin yesterday as her b/f broke up with her. It was sudden and abusive. He left her questioning what SHE did to make him behave that way. He used the “silent treatment” and “control” taking his house key from her with no explanation. He left her standing outside crying and confused, refusing to talk to her.
She shared with me other things he has done and I cringed. I told her that he was my ex S through and through. I asked how long they’ve been together…4 months. Bingo. Typically after 3 months people start to reveal their true selves. If the S/N/Ps are under any stress the mask usually cracks and you get a glimpse of who they truly are.
Then he called. I saw her conviction for “no more” drop after she met with him to talk. I saw my former self in her and every cell in my body wanted to scream. I warned her that face-to-face he can manipulate her easier. She said she was strong and would hold to her convictions. I wonder how quickly she succumbed to his lies.
My first question after they met was, “Did he tell you that he did what he did because of what someone else has done to him in the past?” The classic blame game. “Yes”, she said. “How did you know?” I had spent the WHOLE day telling her that what he has done throughout the relationship is controlling and abusive. His tactics were to confuse her and to lower her self-esteem. I don’t even need to describe them. We’ve all been there. They ALL hit home. Even the “deadpan” joking where she couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. That used to infuriate me as I felt my ex S was purposefully trying to make me look stupid. and inferior. He was! Just like talking over my head because goodness knows he’s an “expert” in everything. Funny how the only big words he ever used with me that stuck in my mind were “mellifluous” and “vitriolic”. Truly the two sides of his personality. OK, I know I’m raging here. I just need to let it out before I implode!!!
Oh, funny thought…the S/N/Ps would explode. I think us victims tend to implode. That’s the difference folks between ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic. Thank God for a moment of humor. Now if I could only laugh. I hate feeling this way.
I have met my cousin’s b/f only once and I had a horrible feeling inside about him. I told her I was worried that I was projecting my “stuff” onto him. I have recently been listening to that intuition and paying attention and it’s paid off in big ways. I am working on not doubting myself anymore. I feel as though I can sense S/N/Ps a mile away. My intuition is on hyperalert!
I know I need to let my cousin go and I have said all I can and given her as much food for thought to consider why she has chosen to give him another chance. All I can do is be here for her. But I feel as if I just relived my WHOLE experience again. I am frustrated. I was doing so well. I know this is just a glitch in my recovery. But today I am a mess. I want this pain to be over!
I want so badly to go on the websites where my ex S blogs and reveal him. That is what he fears the most. He immediately “took a break ” from one website that he knows I know of. It’s were I caught him lying and started to figure him out. He doesn’t know I am aware of the others. I can’t do a thing. I will only look like a crazed stalker. I know that’s what he wants. I just want to stop this craving at times to lash out. I am sick that he portrays being this know-it-all, humble and supportive athlete. He is a monster! I don’t like these feelings and I’m tired of them. Where is my peace of mind today?
I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like being reminded of him. UUUUGGGGHHHH!
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
This is so true.
I started saying last year that, “The truth will set you free- it may shock and abhor you- but it will set you free”.
Dear takingmeback,
I am so glad that your cousin has you and your new knowledge about psychopaths. She will be back and you will be there for her. Think how wonderful that will be for her! We can all pass on this “GIFT of knowledge” to others who are suffering. Viktor FRankl found meaning in his suffering, I want there to be some meaning in mine. Something good it will bring not only to me, but to others.
Your peace of mind will return, this is just a pot hole on the road to healing, I fall in them frequently, but NOT as frequently as I did before…I think I crawled the first 100 miles up hill on my hands and knees! But how you get there is not the point it is the point that you are on the road to healing!
((((BIG HUGS)))) for a STRONG woman! YOU!!!!
Thanks Oxy. Your support means more than I can put into words. I almost posted on here crying out for you. You bring me such calm. I find your words so soothing. I feel I should be paying you for therapy. I wish I could meet you and get that big hug sometimes. I just hate that other people don’t understand and I feel I can’t talk to others in my life because I’m the damn therapist
Now I feel I’m labelled as the therapist who sees sociopathy everywhere. My colleagues don’t get it as I’ve tried to educate them about socipathy and what it really looks like. It’s not projection from my personal experience it’s from the uber amount of research I have done on the suject as a result of my experience.
Yet I hear, “Oh I don’t think he has Cluster B traits, I think he just has Bipolar d/o.” Yes which is often comorbid with cluster B traits and no not with everyone! “Oh, well yes she’s has daily SI/HI and threatens to take others down with her when she’s finally pushed over the edge, but I think you’re missing the focus on her Axis I diagnosis of Depresion.” No the depression is part of her anger and rage against society because she’s not like everyone else. It stems from her Axis II d/o which is primary. Or the, “I just think you need to focus on the symptoms and ignore the diagnosis”. OK, but don’t you think it’s important to determine if we’re dealing with ego-syntonic or ego-dystonic traits? Do you call that resistance and ,if so, for how long? Isn’t there a reason we have different treatment modalities for different disorders? I can’t even tell you how many clients I get assigned who come with NO Axis II diagnoses and are clearly PDIs. Folks are not asking the right questions to determine these things. It’s so frustrating and I look like the obsessive one as if I’m seeking to find a sociopath at every turn. I’m so not. But when it’s there, damn it, it’s there!
Tonight I just want to scream that I am not as strong as people think I am. It hurts to feel that my colleagues are rolling their eyes behind my back because of what happened to me. Sometimes I think I fool myself into believing I am strong. But I can’t stop telling myself I’m strong. I have clients who depend on me and I owe it to myself to keep living and start living more fully again. I will not let this defeat me but I get so tired. I think all the tears I’ve cried over the past year+ could fill up an ocean by now. OK, at least a Great Lake. I am trying to find humor and hold to me.
I feel like the doctor who makes the worst patient. I’m the therapist who chooses at the last minute, just before I slide completely into the deep, dark abyss, to use my coping skills. I have to tell myself to breathe, to do thought-stopping, to try a relaxation technique…oh and to take my prn meds when needed. I make a horrible client some days!
Dear Takingme back,
My dear I do KNOW EXACTLY what you mean about not feeling strong. I have wished so many times to just curl up in someone else’s arms and have someone take care of ME for a change. “Being on the WRONG side of the clip board” as a therapy PATIENT instead of being the therapist was a big BIG step for me, and it never felt right. Doctors ARE bad patients and so are therapists as therapy patients and so are nurses, etc. We think of ourselves as the care GIVERS not the care RECEIVERS. We can easily see the diagnosis on someone else but have a DIFFICULT TIME seeing our own becaue we know what we are feeling, and putting our therapy skills into practice for ourselves is THE most difficult thing.
I think that is why this site is so good for me, is that there are so many professionals here that are in the same boat as I have been—totally conned. It isn’t because I am stupid or uneducated, it is I am HUMAN, just like THEY” ARE HUMAN. I have always been a perfectionist with ME, not with others, but with myself. I am now having to learn to fail. Learn to forgive myself for not being perfect.
Yea, your peers DON’T GET IT, and yea they roll their eyes, but they have had your experience. REMEMBER: “THERE IS NO FANATIC LIKE A CONVERT” You have SEEN the light, you have been CONVERTED and you want to run out and tell the world your new found knowledge and NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. That is so typical I think with all of us as victims. We want to convince others of the TRUTH of our discovery, but they ahve no forum in which to comprehend the truth of our “preaching.” Besides, they don’t want to believe it is even possible, because it is a SCARY concept that there REALLY are EVIL people out there, it would make their world seem unsafe to believe it.
I’m glad that you can relate to the things I say about my own situation. It has been a long hard road for me—a life time leading toward all this, from FOO dysfunction to a genetic history of Ps on both sides of my ancestry. I’m actually pretty impressed that I have done as well as I have and not become a flaming “nut case.” I credit a great deal of my success in all aspects of my life to my great step father who was a wonderful Christian man and a great mentor, encourager and cheer leader. I know that he was the basis of my Christian faith and what sense of self esteem I have. His confidence in me was unwavoring and his love for me as well. Every child or person in this world should have at least ONE person like him who loves them unconditionally. His unconditional love and unconditional trust of me made me know that I just couldn’t let him down by doing something I knew was bad or nasty. His faith iin God was so strong and so comforting.
I have been always perceived as “strong” by others because I don’t give up easily, but inside I have never “felt” strong, well let me rephrase that, I have not ALWAYS felt strong, sometimes I have. But you know, I realize too that bravery is not being unafraid, it is BEING AFRAID and doing what you know needs to be done anyway. So is strength. It is not feeling strong, but just keeping on going, even when you are tired, discouraged and distraught. So I AM STRONG, I just get tired sometimes, and I am learning to REST as well. To take care of ME. No matter how strong you are, you need REST, anyone does. Taking that rest when we need it is part of being STRONG. Listening to ourselves and taking the things WE NEED, such as rest. I used to feel guilty if I rested, but now I know it is essential to strength.
I can tell you takeingmeback, that you ARE STRONG, but you may need some rest. Give yourself that break, take care of YOU. I can THROW that “stone” because I have been just the same way so very many times! (((Hugs)))) I would love to be able to put my real arms around your shoulders as well. But I am so grateful that we have this avenue to communicate, Isn’t the internet wonderful! To bring people together for healing. Thank you Donna for LF.
Oxy,
You are hands-down correct about REST. I need it and I don’t get enough. I am afraid of it. I spent so many months waking up not knowing where I was and who I was that I still have that fear. Yes, even though it happens less and less now. I hated mornings when reality would set it after a few minutes of confusion and panic. The days when I could find no meaning to my life. I still have to remind myself at times of my meaning. I don’t want to forget who I am ever again.
Twice I’ve had PTSD and it’s so awful a feeling. But this is the worst I have ever had it. The other being a sudden tragic event. This is more personal and more intrusive than, as we know, most people can imagine.
I am also thankful for LF. I am thankful for your understanding, Oxy, of what it’s like being a caregiver in need of our own care. How hard that is. Thanks for all the virtual hugs as well :).
I’m glad you had your step-father. He sounds like he was a wonderful man. You were truly blessed to have him. Yes, everyone needs that ONE person in life who loves them and trusts them. I am glad you had that in yours. You’ve struggled hard but what a beautiful woman you are as a result. Ever becoming moreso with each day.
In my family of Ns I have a wonderful mother who’s kept us together and who’s kept me sane with her unconditional love as well. I don’t know how she’s done it. She thinks so little of herself (my father’s an N) and yet she’s my hero. So often my father put her between him and my sister and I. I still hear him say, “you’re choosing the children over me”. Yeah, that was a common statement when my father would get physically abusive and she’d take us to a hotel overnight in fear that he’s wake up in the middle of the night and kill us. Ah, such memories. Interesting how the only two men I’ve ever said, “I love you” to were both homicial towards me at one point. What lovely memories. Ick!
But I’ve seen my mother get stronger through the years as my father has a debilitating medical condition. He can no longer be physcially abusive towards us as he used to be. I have set firm boundaries with him and I have seen my mother do the same in some ways. Luckily my father needs her due to his condition and limited mobility and constant pain. He can’t be as cruel as he used to. Not that he doesn’t get close with his tongue at times. But he’s trapped and can’t take it too far. The risk is too great for him of losing all of us. He needs us and especially my mother. I’m just sad that she’s spent the majority of her life for him. I wish I had more time with her. But growing up it was all about dad. Now he’s sick and it’s still all about dad. It’s no wonder it’s taken me so many years to work towards taking care of myself without feeling guilty for it.
Well, I’m gonna do what I need to and get some rest. Thanks for the reminder Oxy. You are such a blessing. I so needed to hear from you tonight and I thank God you were here. When I was hurting so badly earlier I truly just wanted to post asking where you were. I know there are so many wonderful people on this site but tonight you were on my mind. Thank you. God truly knows what we need and provides doesn’t he?
God Bless
I
Dear Takingmeback.
I had the PTSD and I know I have had it earlier too and no treatment, just muddled through, but I got the rapid eye movement therapy and I do think it really helped me a GREAT deal. I’m not sure how it works or even if it is just a placebo effect, but whatever it is, it worked for me. I highly recommend it.
I’m glad I was able to help you and I know it helps to know that someone else has also gone through the same or similar things than you have, or knows what aspect you are coiming from.
I’m sorry that your mother has spent so much of her life in the Narcissistic hell on earth, but I am sure there will be a special star for her in her crown in heaven for taking care of her children. Mothers of their generation didn’t have as many opportunities to be independent as we do and so many of them endured and never even thought about escaping from the marriage of horror, but at least she protected her children and that is a STRONG woman to be able to do that.
You obviously have some of her great strength!
Rest and I hope that you get some good rest tonght. God bless.
Donna- Thanks for that essay. And for this website. I have healed in way’s that never would have happened had I not had the experience with the P. This website has revealed to me that “The truth will set you free-but first it will piss you off!” I have been in that fog for so long, I was just living life so unaware that I needed too turn my fog light’s on. I have posted some thing’s here I regret. As I continue to read this blog, and become more aware to the devastation and financial ruin and pain and agony and sometimes life altering experience’s so many of these blogger’s have endured and are continuing to endure. My experience with my X sociopath seem’s so trivial in comparison. I blog “talk about” my X (BF) the most, because it was the one that brought me to my knees. But the real truth is my life has been ruled by my ignorance. And so much damage was done to me as a child at my mother’s hand, the mother that I worshiped and put before myself and even before the very people that loved me most. The truth has finally pissed me off and it is time for me to live MY truth the way MY universe connect’s with my soul. Thank you Donna-and to all you blogger’s “you know who you are” that have shared their story’s, shared their fears, shared their giggle’s with me. Thanks too all of you………..!