Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself.
In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn’t I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called “Understanding Yourself and Others.” After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto:
“The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off.”
In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never spoken. When we finally learn the truth about these people, after months, years or decades of deception, we are hurt—but we are also enraged. Then, as we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, we learn more infuriating truths about the inability of other people in our lives, and of society’s institutions, to help us. Let’s take a look at what we learn.
Truths that make us angry
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills—which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know—when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us—something as normal as wanting to be loved. Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
i’m feeling like my life is nothing without him. i feel like i will never have a life again. i feel lost without him. i feel like my life will never be rebuilt. my feelings for him will never go away. he took my life from me, thats how i feel. he took my lifestyle from me. he was my life. he was my world. He took my summer away. he was everything to me. i was nothing to him. just a pretend person. why couldt i be his everything. why couldt i be his world like i thought. im sure he is going on with his daily life, and he has friends, he has that same lifestyle. i feel completly empty. im going to wake up everyday and im still goin to be here in this same spot. my life is never going to be filled with friends again. i feel like im never going to find someone who i have feelings for again. its a beautiful day here in the midwest, and im sitting here on my computer alone with my doggies! its just another lonley day of my life
Blondie, blondie, blondie.. every time you talk like this it’s like you’re speaking for me as well. I guess we are at about the same point.. despair, alternating with hope.. sighs. Keep your chin up girl.
Takingmeback wrote:
“Oh, funny thought”the S/N/Ps would explode. I think us victims tend to implode. That’s the difference folks between ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic.”
So is that why many of us have internalized our emotional pain & suffering over the years and the result is self loathing, feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, feeling unlovable?
Hmm….very interesting dynamic. I’ve always been the kind of person who literally detested hurting another human being, either physcially and/or verbally. I would take, and take, and take the abuse without saying a word, think slink away to my bedroom and cry my eyes out blaming myself for being such an awful person, otherwise why would someone say such terrible, heartbreaking things to me?
I wish I had the exact words to express to the lovely, wonderful Donna and to all you beautiful people how very much LoveFraud means to me. I don’t think without discovering this site I would be as strong and sure of myself as I am today.
Yes, I will always be a gentle, kind person who still detests hurting others in any form whatsoever, but I will no longer….”bend over for the abuse” (Kathy’s powerful words).
No longer will I allow another human being to tear my self confidence to shreds. No longer will I allow another human being to speak harsh, cruel, undeserved words to me in an effort to destory me. NO MORE, I SAY!!
We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We have all slowly climbed out of our self imposed prisons of failure and have proven to ourselves and to others that we are awesome, loving/lovable women and men.
As I have said so many times never, ever let anyone steal/rob/exploit/pilfer the fundamental truth of yourself. That all of you are brilliant, beautiful, compassionate peeps with valuable knowledge, experience, uncommon wisdom to share with folks of the same ilk, the kindred spirits.
I now wish to extend a sincere, genuine great big cyber HUG for everyone. 🙂
Dear Henry,
(slap slap) That;s the sound of me clobbering you up side the head my friend! Your pain is NOT TRIVIAL, NO pain is trivial. Remember what I said about how pain acts like a gas, even if it is a little pain it COMPLETELY FILLS THE CONTAINER it is put into. Your pain is YOUR PAIN and it filled you completely. My pain is MY pain and it filled me COMPLETELY. No one here has “more” pain than anyone else, and no one’s pain is trivial.
The outside damage that they do may be different, but it doesn’t trivialize those of us that didn’t go into bankruptcy or that didn’t lose a leg, an eye or an arm. It devestated us all completely.
That’s one of the great things about this site too, is that we all realize that we may have lost different “things” in terms of money, homes, etc. but it is still a BIG LOSS and no o ne is here trying to say “well, MY loss is bigger than yours” because LOSS is LOSS. PERIOD!!! Now, you write that out 500 times or go stand in the corner! (Joke!) ((((Hug))))
Henry, this thing of realizing that my mother has been involved in all of this enabling and so on my entire life has hit me like a bombshell too. A couple of years ago I actually was so delusional about her being so “honest” and “caring” etc. though looking back I can see the horrible things she has done to me, even as an adult in enabling my P son. And to realize that she actually TRADED ME for the X-DIL and the Trojan HOrse P, threw me away, discounted me entirely, totally overwhelmed me. I would have died for that woman. When she was ill, and daddy was ill, I was there for them 24/7 for months and months. Willingly, because I wanted to be. My demonstrations of my love for her meant nothing to her, if she couldn’t have ABSOLUTE CONTROL over me she didn’t want me at all. Just as the story of Kiing david and his P-son Absalom (go read that in your Bible, in the two Books of Samuel) and how the whole country had fought Absalom to save DAvid’s life and kingdom and when his son was killed in the last battle, his grief was not for the sacrifices of the people but for how own loss of his psychopathic murdering son. David’s general came to him and said “David, I perceive that if we had all died and Absalom had lived, you would have been well pleased.” David, though a sinful man was still a good man, and when his faults were pointed out to him, he always listened, repented and changed his ways. He realized that what the general said was true. I told my own mother the last time we “spoke” about all of this chaos that I felt truly that if I had DIED and my P-son had gotten out of prison to come live with her before she died, she would have been WELL PLEASED. When I saw the look on her face, I knew I was right. If he had succeeded in murdering me but it meant that he got to come home and live with her before she died, she would still have been happy. HOW SICK IS THAT?! Now, she has nothing, because he will never get out of prison during her life (I hope he never does) and she no longer has a daughter that trusts or believes in her. Both of her other grandsons don’t believe in her either or trust her. So she is alone in this world except for the hired caregives she has. What a shame, because it was so unnecessary. But unlike King David, even when her “sins” are pointed out to her, she refuses to acknowledge them or repent or change her ways. This leaves me with only one option—I must accept that she does not love me, and I am not going to torture myself by trying to believe she does. I am going to look at her ACTIONS and the way she treats me, and I must accept that she and my son are both the same, neither of them has my good at heart or loves me. It isn’t what I wanted, but I must accept that, fix my own self, and realize that I don’t need their approval to be a good person, to be approved of by God. I can VALIDATE myself. It would be wonderful to have a mother I could trust, I deluded myself for so long, but it didn’t make me happy. The truth does piss me off, but it has FINALLY SET ME FREE from the pain of delusion and the pain caused because I never could quite make the square pegs fit into the round holes.
Blondie, I know that right now you feel terribly alone, your post shows that, and God alone knows how most of us have felt just the same way, but day by day, step by baby step, we have crawled out of that dark hole we felt we were in. You will too, Blondie! I just know you will, and life will get better!!!! Keep reading, learning and making plans. You are depressed rightn now (and who wouuldn’t be) and our depression makes us feel that we will never feel better, but one foot in front of the other starts the healing journey. Sometimes I feel like I am walking a road as long as Marco Polo walked, and over the same kinds of mountains. Sometimes I have felt so alone that no one on the face of the earth cared if I lived or died, but that is not true! Do something good for yourself, eat a fudge cicle, eat a whole box of Godiva chocolates, get a massage, take your doggie for a walk, even a tiny thing. Go to a nursing home and visit someone who has no family. Do something to make yourself feel good, worthwhile and whole! You are a wonderful and caring person or you wouldn’t be feeling this way. The fact that you feel bad shows you have a HEART. If you didn’t feel bad right now, you would be like THEM, and God Forbid that because what amiserable life it must be to not be able to love! ((((BIG Hugs))))
I just feel like saying yes, yes, yes to all of you, I sit here and nod all the time when I read all your words.
Do you suppose there are traits alike in us victims too? And why is it that so many of us are intelligent? It makes me feel just so stupid that I fell for this shit AGAIN, after all that I’ve learned too. I guess I just didn’t recognize the latest form of abuse.. after all my cheater ex has never said an unkind word to me.
Dear Kat, Every experience brings fresh insight and we just keep increasing and expanding our knowledge. If we missed something or forgot the lesson the first time around, or there is something extra we need to learn, we get the experience back in a different format. So please dont be harsh on yourself, we cannot possibly know everything. I liked the saying ‘Devils know Angels, but Angels dont know Devils’, but I think alot of us are learning fast, as painful as it is.
I always said I would never go out with a brute and my ex never said an unkind word to me, to my face, we never argued – but he was a stealth abuser – I never knew about that before, but I know about it now.
Have you seen this ? Sociopath gets his comeuppance in court !!!
It is on u-tube, a video of rosemary shell.
Kat you ask “do you supppose there are traits alike is us victims too”? Yes, I do. I have had various experiences with Ps my entire life. Even after I did realize what they were, that there was a common thread in them “NO CONSCIENCE” I still was DELUSIONAL that the people in my family that I loved could still some way, some how, be fixed—that I could get across to them just how much they hurt me. Hell, Kat, they KNEW, all I was doing was telling them how well they had SUCCEEDED in hurtin gme, because that was their GOAL.
I had to accept that I could not fix them, that they did not love me, and that they would not, could not love me. That there was ONLY ONE way to “fix” the situation and that was to go no contact, to get out. Stay out. Then fix MYSELF so that I would never again become so delusional that I would ignore the RED FLAGS of psychopathic people.
I found I had to learn to set boundaries for EVERYONE, even people I loved. I also found that if those people DID love me, they would respect those boundaries and if they didn’t respect those boundaries, I didn’t want them in my life. NO MATTER IF I GAVE BIRTH TO THEM, OR THEY GAVE BIRTH TO ME. No relationship of blood or anything else was going to make me let anyone run rough shod over me. I have rights. I have dignity and I am going to maintain my own rights and my own dignity. It is only when I give away the POWER to them that I am in danger. As long as I maintain that power over myself, no one will hurt me. It is only when I allow them to CONTINUE to turn me that I have given away my power.
Even now, I could be fooled ONCE by someone. But I won’t be fooled a second time. Trust is earned. Once it is betrayed, I am not going to give someone a second chance. Much less a third and a hundreth or a thousandth chance to “change” to show respect, honesty and caring. Lie to me once and you are out O*U*T of my trust zone. I may still be “nice” when I meet you, I may still be a good neighbor to you, but I will never ever trust you again. If you want my trust in the future you will have to EARN that trust by showing true repentence.
I will and I feel I MUST forgive them (get the bitterness out of my heart for what they have done) but TRUST does not go along with forgiveness automatically.
I’ve been a slow learner in the Psychopathic classes, but now that I have started to “see the light” I know that I must keep on learning, or I will have to repeat the class again and I sure don’t want to do that! LOL
Dear LovingAnnie, I just watched that short film you suggested, but the viewers comments underneath are very revealing of peoples’ attitudes!!