Love is huge topic that spans every other issue that we have discussed so far, and ones we have not touched yet. But for our purposes — to talk about our next steps in healing from traumatic relationships — we have to narrow it down.
This article will discuss the most basic and important element of love — how we love ourselves. We will look at how we our relationships with ourselves are changing. And how that is affecting what other people mean to us
What we think of ourselves
Years ago, when I was involved with a New Age bookstore, I ran into lots of programs that taught positive affirmations. That is, repeating phrases about how lovable we are, how successful we are, how loved we are by the universe, as a form of self-hypnosis. The idea was that we would eventually believe it. And believing it would change our lives.
Unfortunately, many of us only succeeded in making ourselves feel guilty about not believing it. So, as the next best thing, we tried to pretend that we really believed it. And we basically became like those silly pseudo-Buddhists of the earlier hippie days whose languid pronouncements of “it’s all cool, man” was a paper-thin veneer on their angry or fearful rejection of everything that made them the tiniest bit uncomfortable.
For me, the concept of “loving yourself” had a psychobabble flavor. Another fad for people who were looking for short-cuts to higher consciousness. Or maybe this concept was too large, too grand for me.
And why? Because there was too much not to love about myself. Occasionally, somewhere between a second and third glass of wine, I was comfortable with myself. But in the sober light of day, evaluating both the interior of my mind and the evidence of my life, I could write long lists of where I fell short. I didn’t even know what loving myself would feel like But as a start, it would help if I weren’t so anxious all the time. If the anxiety didn’t make me so disorganized. If I could actually plan something and follow without getting distracted with worrying about whether I was going to get distracted and follow through. Sigh.
So you can imagine how I reacted when the occasional character showed up who 1) told me how wonderful I was, 2) told me how he knew how to sort out my messes, 3) talked about his vision of a better life (that he already knew how to do), and 4) raved about his luck at finding someone (me) who fit so perfectly into his perfect plans for this perfect life. I’d think that maybe I was wrong about being such a mess. Maybe the people I’d met before hadn’t been perceptive enough to see this wonderfulness in me. Maybe I wasn’t perceptive enough either, and he was so much smarter. Maybe God had finally decided to send me the long-deferred trophy for trying hard.
And then, because I wasn’t impressed with myself or my life, I would start throwing things away. He didn’t like the way I dressed? No problem. He didn’t like the way I worked? No problem. He thought I should worry more about him than myself? No problem. And then finally, when I realized that nothing I could ever do would be enough, and that the whole relationship was new evidence of my failure to choose well, I would leave behind whatever I had with him, and re-enter the increasingly familiar grind of starting over.
Depressing, isn’t it? A particularly dark view of my history of serial monogamy, and one that explains my periodic descents into depression as I struggled to forgive myself for yet another disaster. But there is a nugget of illuminating truth here that I didn’t grasp until my last relationship with the sociopath.
Here it is. I didn’t believe that my life was my “real” life. Or that I was who I “really” was. Who I was and the way I lived were just interim conditions, until I got to the real thing. The life where I accomplished what I was really capable of. The “me” that was always emotionally balanced, lucid, focused, able to handle all of life’s details. All this imaginary stuff was the waiting reality. And in the meantime, I was living in a kind of purgatory. (For those of you who weren’t brought up Catholic, that is a temporary hell where we burn off minor sins before finally being allowed into heaven.).
in healing, I realized that the sociopath and I had this thing in common. He was never living the life he deserved. All this relentless focus of his was about his drive to put the puzzle pieces together — fame, wealth, universal admiration, all the “merit badges” of his travel and his expensive hobbies to present a smooth and plausible front — so he could airdrop into the “real” life that was waiting for him. The humiliations he had to endure now — including stooping to deal with my unsatisfactory self — were just necessary evils to be discarded and forgotten, except for an amusing story or two of his life on the street, once the lost prince found his way back to the palace.
I used to find his pretensions and ambitions childish. Until I realized that we were alike in this. I wasn’t trying to work my way back to the throne room. But otherwise we were the same. I looked down at who I was and what I did. I was prepared to give up almost anything to become who I was supposed to be. With the sociopath, that turned out to include my business, my family, my friends, my homes, my money, my mental health.
In fact the reason I got involved with him at all, as well as my other significant relationships, is that I saw them as chances to transform my life. To make it something else entirely. The good news is that I’ve lived an interesting life. The bad news is that, though all of this, I never was able to finish anything, hold onto anything. I had lots of funny-tragic stories. That was my life equity. Otherwise, I was the poster child for unfulfilled potential.
Which — surprise! — accurately reflected what I thought of myself.
Getting real
Taped on the wall next to my bathroom mirror is a page from the 2005 Zen daily calendar. The quote on it from Chogyam Trungpa reads, “No one can turn you completely upside down and inside out. You must accept yourself as you are, instead of you as would like to be, which means giving up self-deception and wishful thinking.”
The paper is yellowed and wavy from shower fog, marked with stains from flying drops of coffee, makeup and toothpaste. I took it down today to copy it for this article and then put it back where it was. It might look a little trashy to a visitor, but to me it’s a jewel placed in the perfect setting, right next to where I look at myself in the mirror every day of my life.
That little quote commemorates my belated recognition. This is me. This is my life.
I don’t have to value it all highly. I can look at any part of it and decide that it’s not useful anymore, or that I love it dearly. But everything that I own, everything I have accomplished (and that’s a lot, even though it wasn’t exactly what I hoped), all my experience, the relationships and memories, the responsibilities, the plans, all the things I think about, is me and my life. What is real right now is what is real.
It wasn’t just about what was objectively real, but it was also about how I saw it. The mental lenses which caused me to see things in a particular way. Like the lens that is fearful about throwing things away, in case all the stores are closed or I run out of money or I need that thing to trade with terrorists for my life. Or the lens that remembers when I was wrong about people, and never gets quite enough information to feel safe. These are me too. If I think I’m stupid or disorganized or have bad judgment, these thoughts are me too. All of these things are who I am.
There are a lot of pivotal moments in our healing, but for me, this idea shifted the ground under my feet. I had spent my entire life rejecting the very reality I lived with, as well as living with the self-questioning insecurity of feeling like an unfinished, inadequate person. This insight told me that I was finished, as far as I went. I didn’t need to be perfect to be real. What I was and what I had done had meaning. I was here, alive, having lived through so much, having struggled so hard to find my way. And the big trophy didn’t need to be coming from anywhere outside myself. I was the trophy. This life, imperfect as it was, was the trophy.
There wasn’t a speck of unrealistic thinking in this. It wasn’t grandiose. It didn’t change the fact that I was still in the middle of healing. My life was messy, and I was still trying to figure out how to be the person I wanted to be. But the big change was that it did not diminish me. I wasn’t beating myself up. I could stop being vulnerable to other people beating me up, because I secretly agreed with them. It opened a new view of my life. Instead of an arid moonscape of failure-craters, it was a rich green story of learning and survival. Some of my worst chapters — the big tragedies and huge failures — began to look different when I thought about how they brought me to here and now. It began to look okay.
Who do we love?
I can see by the word count of this article that we will need at least one more before we talk about loving other people. Something about what taking care of our well-loved selves really means. We need to get clear about that before we even think about another intimate relationship. But maybe we can conclude this one by talking a little bit about what we love in ourselves. And how that relates to unresolved trauma.
One of the most difficult and painful experiences that I can imagine is what happened to Jewish people in Europe during World War II. Survivors of the Holocaust lost family members and endured inhuman treatment in concentration camps. The challenges these people faced individually and as a community to heal, extract some positive meaning from these experiences and to move forward toward confident and creative lives are beyond anything I can imagine.
Just knowing about this — as well as the challenges of other people who face long-term cruelty and desperate living conditions — has sometimes helped me keep my personal challenges in perspective. As well as helping me understand things I might not otherwise understand about international politics, as well as the emotional states and concerns of people I meet. Sometimes there is not enough time in a lifetime, or even several generations, to work through complete healing.
And this is something we may have to accept in ourselves. As long as we are still living with the consequences of trauma that has not been fully transformed into learning that that increases our emotional freedom, compassion and conscious power to act, our values are going to be shaped by the progress we have made, as far as it has gone. And those values are going to have an impact on how we see ourselves and others. That is especially true if we still perceive ourselves as victims.
We may see other people around us who seem happier, more peaceful, able to do things that are beyond us right now, and we may be tempted to be envious or bitter about our lot or afraid that we are less than them. But this is not the truth. The truth is that we’re midstream in a great learning process. And wherever we are speaks of personal triumph to survive and learn more how to navigate this world.
Meanwhile, we are entitled to appreciation and gratitude for the great work of our bodies, minds, emotional systems and spiritual depths that brought us to where we are today. We can feel pride — not grandiosity, but the dignity of self-respect — in what we have accomplished. By the evidence of our lives, we are not nothing. Far from it. Each of us can look in the mirror and see someone of substance and value.
In learning to accept ourselves, we sometimes have to make peace with things about ourselves that are not perfect. And in doing this, we walk a fine line. We don’t want to deny where we fall short of what we’d like to be, things we’re still working on. But we can also see in our shortcomings the recognition of our true potential. Here are some suggestions for doing that.
If we are grieving, it is because of our blessed capacity to embrace life and take risks. If we are confused, it is because we value meaning and order. If we are angry, it is because we have a backbone of will and belief. If we are lonely, it is because we feel our deep connection with the world, but are still seeking where and how. If we feel despair, it is because we have a deep capacity for faith and hope. If we are depressed, we are in the midst of a great transition of belief. We may not see though it all yet. But the more it pains us, the more we know we are in the active process of learning.
All of this honorable. All of this is reason to respect ourselves.
Where self-love leads us
And if we can’t find any other reason to love ourselves, or if we are unsure that we can love ourselves and still be good people, the ultimate reason is that it is better for the world if we do. If we are patient and understanding with ourselves, if we believe in our potential, if we allow ourselves the dignity of self-respect even though we’re not perfect, it alters the most important lens by which we see the world. If we respect ourselves, we acknowledge that living through our growing-up and the dramas of life’s challenges is the universal story of life. It enables us to see that everything and everyone else is living through their own stories, and, for that reason, may deserve respect as well.
For trauma survivors, this is a touchy concept. If we have endured trauma at the hands of people whose life dramas create hurt and loss for other people, respect might sound like a ridiculous idea. Especially when our survival depends on clearly separating our interests from the interests of people who would harm us. However, if I were in the jungle with hungry lions around, I believe I would have better chance of survival if I respected what they are, than writing them off as evil.
Respect is a form of seeing, an even higher level of observation than the trusting of patterns that we discussed in the last article. It is a way of seeing that often provides us with more information than emotional reactions or judgments. Respect is not admiration or involvement. It is recognition that another being exists in his or her own world, facing private challenges, working with personal resources or lack of them. It helps us face reality more squarely, while maintaining the distance that respect implies. That is, observing from behind our own boundaries and seeing other people as separate from us. Respect helps us see larger patterns of life, making us more aware how we might be affected, whether or not we are actively involved.
Some people have a natural understanding of respect. But for others — especially if we grew up in Drama Triangle environments of victims and rescuers — it is something we have to learn. My Buddhist friend, when I begged him to help me warn off my ex’s latest girlfriend, told me an old saying “Nothing is more dangerous than interfering with other people’s dreams.” He was telling me to respect other people’s paths, to detach myself from what is none of my business and can not change.
Respect acknowledges our differences, while bringing us closer to actually understanding. It helps us recognize the emotional foundations of other people’s behavior or the type of energy they spread, without having to judge it any further than whether it is good for us. So that we can make easier and better choices about where we invest our energy. Respecting the different realities of other lives can even refine our feelings, enabling us to react more accurately. Like appreciating a flower growing in a landfill. Or being touched by the fleeting generosity of someone we know is virtually incapable of sharing. To experience love, awe, gratitude in smaller increments, and also disgust, frustration and grief in ways that we feel sharply but keep in perspective.
All of this makes us more solid with ourselves. Able to choose what is best for us, what matches who we are. This is how self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect are connected to personal power. Not accumulating power over other people, but being more aware and focused on how our actions affect our lives and the world around us.
In this work, we are moving farther from the struggles of early healing, deeper into the realm of accepting reality as “what is,” a relatively neutral position, that only works if we feel fully empowered to act on our own behalf. In the next article, to prepare a little more for love, we will talk more about power and emotional freedom.
Namaste. The deeply respectful spirit in me salutes with awe the flowering spirit in you.
Kathy
Kathleen,
Once again, you are so present in your own life and ours as well. What a beautifully expressed article! I am awaiting the arrival of your book! You are there! You have arrived! One of my favorite mantras is “Bloom where you are planted”. You are certainly living proof or the “flowering spirit” of that quote.
I loved so many things that you said that it is difficult to touch on them all. Respect is key. I loved the way that you explain that respect is awareness and “not admiration and involvement.” I have recently come to the understanding of my situation ,with this long awaited divorce from my S, that I am not the judge of what he does or who he does nor do I need to be.
I respect what it is that I am dealing with. I respect my feelings. I respect the time that it is taking me to heal. I respect what I have learned from this experience. I know that I will love again and I respect that I am quite capable of loving myself in the process.
Thank YOU! Kathleen for your gracious awareness and wisdom!
Kathy – Wow – you touched so many aspects of my life with your article. I have been trying to live my life to please other’s, gain approval from others that don’t care about me but what I can do for them. With the exception of a few people in my life , most of those folks I was trying to please were taking my life. Recently I had this long talk with myself. It’s like ok Henry here you are, what are you going to do now that you have all this knowledge and information that i am not bad. Am I going to change now? Walk differently? Be that person I always wanted to be? In the past I wanted to be anybody but me. So do i make big changes? nope I am who I am, and now that I know I am good (not perfect) I must embrace myself and allow myself to be me. Without needing approval from those that saw me as good and wanted to bring me down by stepping on my spirit. At 54 I have lived my life for others, mostly my wicked mother, my abusive father and in the shadows of my older narcissist brother, and one toxic relationship after another. I can be me, the good in me that these lions want cant be taken away, it’s mine.
hi guys, i have been on or posting in quite some time. Miss your advice Oxy soi hope you get to read this blog. My dad is in the hospital and very ill with cancer, fathers day past and i actually wrote a nice passage in a card telling him how much i loved him , then i get handed this paper after being asked to meet with his executor, long story short he wants his wife (my stepmother whom is also receiving his ins) the house to live in and my brother the shop valued at over 150 thousand and he already built a lean too of sorts on it for him. My point is im left nothing as usual and i can’t beleive i didnt listen and see that they will never care about me. The reality is the farm was left to me from my grandmother (paternal) whom i looked after and loved dearly and whom never got a visit from my father or brother while in nursing home. It’s to be split with my brother and he doesn’t even deserve that. He over the years took my mothers last money(inheritance of only 20 thousand ) and she ddied penniless of alcoholism. my brother also blew 25 thousand of my grandmothers inheritance from her aunt and 100j’s of thousand s of my dad’s and who knows how much bbt i don’t think half a million is an exageration. I know the money is gone and that’s not what im resentful of it’s the audacity that they both show thinking im going to give my brother the shop and house. It’s not even my fathers to deligate. I’ve been trying so hard to be the good daughter, going to the hospital, i’ve bent over backwards my whole life for these two losers and i know the farm wouldn’t eveen exits now if it hadn’t been left for me to manage as my brother already pissed one farm away. Sad to say but i talk to my ex sister in law over this and i trust my step mother as well so that should tell you what i have to deal with. Then the trauma program over the s who is much like my father, never giving me any positive response and always trying to get their approval. I sit here now just numb and im usually so sensitive and would be distraught to say the least with what my dad’s wishes are but i’ve been so hurt for so long i just think i became much like the people whove hurt me and that scares me. maybe it’s just my defences are kicking in as crying and being hurt didn’t get me anywhere. I think Oxy it was you who told me what my family really was and i just couldn’t admit it or didn’t want to admit it but it was shoved right in my face by my dad’s friend who was just doing his part and thank God he knows what my brother is all about and has advised me to get a good attorney as he’s beating around the bush about something in the will of my Grandmothers. I’ve done all the things i should have done being a decent person , taking my son to the hospital a month ago when home from Banff and he got rebuffed just as he said “mom it was my worst nightmare” but he’s a good kid and he went anyway and got what he expected. I heard a saying in AA “if you want to know what an alcoholic is really like, ask his immediate family” as my dad has tons of friends and lots of adopted sons and daughers while his own blood are strangers but i can’t do a dam thing about any of this. I’ve decided as hard as it’s going to be and this numbness that has come over me(it’s a strange feeling) that im not talking to any of them as it’s just inviting more misery and distrust and i’m done being screwed over by my own family. I have my own sons interest to protect so i’ve got a tough road ahead of me and im still not recovered from the s . Im not wanting to whine on but just about every man in my life has betrayed me over and over but not my sons so i have to be very grateful for that. They are my rocks even though my one is leaving for the military and the other is a long ways away, i know they would never betray me. Thanks to all reading this as i feel so much better getting it out and i appreciate all the wisdom and advise i get on here even though i don’t always take it immediately. love kindheart
I am exiting a 14 year train wreck. Kathy, this article was timely for me. My wife hasn’t seen our 10 and 12 year old kids since Feb. Even then she didn’t stay with them but left them under the supervision of her boyfriends 15 year old nephew.
I was thinking this morning as a poet and a writer myself that perhaps I need to buy a big diesel truck, wear cowboy boots, get my ears pierced multiple times and secure tatoos all over the place while carrying a loaded weapon would bring up to par for as this is her current living environment.
Once the money was finally gone which over the years amounted to over a million dollars, she took out more credit cards in my name and jacked them all the way and then ran off with this guy.
Self esteem is an odd thing to me. Loving myself even odder. I could have been retired by now and am left with nothing but my memories and my thoughts. I still am going through woulda, coulda, shoulda, with no resolution.
So far the children will not talk to her and I have been pushing that with three things everyday. 1. This is the only Mother you will ever have. 2. I have never stopped you from seeing her. 3. I still care about her so don’t neglect her to make me feel better.
This tactic hasn’t softened their hearts either. I am at a loss how to reconnect them with her. I have them in counseling and hopefully our divorce will be final in July.
I have no animosity towards her or the boyfriend who was convicted of battery charges against me at my son’s little league game in front of both my children. All she did was help him exit the park after the incident to make sure he was not arrested on the spot. Now he has a protective order for a year so that he cannot see the children so no overnights would be permitted any way.
I’ve started adapting to the concept that girls love bad asses even though i could never be one. She has habitually lied to the kids and me throughout our lives and that still continues. Do i really still LOVE her, or is this just the void left from her leaving. She has always come home in the past. But this time she sends me e-mails how happy and complete she is in this new hillbilly gun toting envirnment.
I’ve got to accept who i am and move on, but the days seem long and weary for me. i still have fond memories even though it was at times a nightmare.
Sincerely, Robin
An awesome series of articles…you are really an expert healer with uncanny sensitivity and insights. i promise to personally buy a bunch of your books when it’s published…and publishers are too narrow-motivated to publish it, then publish it yourself. You’ve got a great voice and the feedback speaks for itself.
Steve
Dear Robin,
Welcome to Love Fraud, you sound like you have arrived at the RIGHT PLACe because all of us here have been through the wringer too….At least you have your kids!
Sounds like your X is a typical uncaring P wanting “excitement” in her life, well, I assure you, she will get it one way or another, but in the end, it won’t be pleasant for her either, even though she thinks that is what she wants.
It isn’t easy, but we can heal and move on to a BETTER LIFE than we had with them. Counting the blessings we have and oen of those blessing is that SHE IS GONE!!!!! Again, welcome!
Dear Robin,
You have arrived at the right place – a place of loving acceptance that is safe and filled with the most loving people who will companion you on your journey to wholeness. I have survived many years being married to a Psychopath, and almost as many more being “trauma bonded”, which I thought was love. I now realize it was addiction. Just today I applied for his Social Security, as I am finally of age, and of course it triggered some buttons as they asked me for lots of information regarding him. I was able to push past the uncomfortable feelings and regroup.
Thanks for being emotionally honest. It will help facilitate your recovery in a healthy way!!!
Dear Kathy, your article induced really the “this is IT”- Moment for me last sunday evening when I read it!
Thank you so much! Now I am finally able to get rid of all the self help books I got from people or which I bought for myself to become a TOTALLY DIFFERENT BETTER ME.
I have books on how to speak better, work more efficiently, work out better, eat healthier, to simplify my life (my absolute favourite), how to buy better, shop smarter, not to be put down by others, self defense with words and how to become a better person in general, starting with Plato to the French Existentialists and beyond. Not to mention how to dress for success, how to improve table manners and how to write better letters, paint better, improve the cooking, the household in general and how to do successful gardening as an idle person.
I do not need them any more to become a different better me, because I AM already, I am the trophy for myself, already. I need the books of course for the techniques and the skills they provide, but they are not meant any more to change me the person into some saint but to improve the abilities of an already wonderful whole human being.
I always wanted to be the person other people wanted me to be, for THEM, not for ME.
First of all and most importantly I had to be a BOY (being the first born, for my chauvinist narcissistic Italian mother, impossible. She later said I had missunderstood her). Then I had to be beautiful (I was ugly, and father told my sister and me repeatedly so; that he was ashamed going out with his two ugly ducklings; last weekend was the first time in my life he took me out to a official reception and not in a dark hole of a cheap restaurant; I was NOT impressed any more!); then be smart and efficient (for my bosses who mostly saw in me a “human resource”), and last but not least I was very eager to satisfy my X in every aspect, how he wanted me to be, until I realized that it all was a so outrageous that I was able to see the pattern in it all, and with the help of all of you LF-peeps I could sort it out.
Kathy, you put your inner thoughts and inner comments and inner dialogues in such wonderful words, so that step by step I could relate. I felt that am not alone, that I am making progress (I was last week on the “to get over my father”-page). That I can be really proud of myself, and that I am lovable (to be loved by me, but that is in the end the most important)
For letting us/me know your wonderful wisdom I would like to express my deepest gratitude. Thank you!
Kathleen,
I’m going to go back and read the awesome comments from the LF members but while reading your essay I got so excited I could not wait to respond.
Your words on the REAL you and how you empathize, feel sincere compassion for others who have suffered tremendous horrific tragedies (concentration camps) or are still suffering is what struck a cord with me.
First, the real you. I get it, I do (I hope). I spent my entire life rejecting what was innately wonderful about myself, dismissing my intrinsic self to please others. I hated confrontation. I was terrified of the disapproval of others towards me. I was so shy, so self conscious, so hyper sensitive to any and all suspected criticsm that I basically lived my life in a shell. Like a turtle; when the mean words slashed at my heart and psyche, I would immediately retreat within the confines of my protective shell.
This yearly fearful state of being manifested into to a full blown generalized anxiety, panic attack disorder. Add a splash of clinical depression to the mixture and the combination made me a broken mess, a shattered child/girl/woman who spent many times curled up in the fetal position in the closet begging God to either help me with the struggle or to end me. Just finish it because I was so tired of pain. I’m no masochist. I never liked being miserable or despairing but I had no idea, no clue where to go to alleviate the pain.
Fast forward to 4 years ago. There I was, living in a tiny town trying to collect the scattered pieces of myself after my exodus from the harsh, cruel big city. I was spent. Very little energy left. What I did have I used on loving and caring for my darling felines. They got it all and it wasn’t much, I confess.
My obstinancy, my fierce independent nature, my always wanting to do things my way, the hard way without any interceding from others had led me to this point. The point of nowhere and getting there fast.
I looked up into the heavens and quietly spoke to God. I said…”I can’t do this anymore. I’m a wreck and I’m not good news for myself or for anyone else. Please help. I have a little spark of life still flittering around in me somewhere but I don’t know how to coax it into something bigger. I am defeated. I can’t do this alone anymore, I don’t want to, and I need you.”
As soon as I spoke these words out loud and to God, the relief was palpable. The weight of the world was shrugged off my shoulders and I was finally able to take a deep, cleansing breath. For the first time ever.
Little by little over the years with my newly awakened and released spiritual faith I have delightedly discovered the “Real” me. By focusing all my attention on striving to stay reality oriented, truth oriented I have been freed. Literally in every sense of the word. I am no longer a slave to my dysfunction, my brokenness. No longer a prisoner to my psyche. No longer my own worse enemy.
I LOVE me very much. I love that I am a good, kind, caring and decent woman. I love that I’m silly and goofy quite often and I don’t give a flying fig what others think. I live my life according to me and primarily how The Lord wants me live: always seeking to live righteously, without hurting a soul on Earth, but defending the REAL me from those who would exploit and use the dickens out of me. And being fiercely protective of the innocents because by allowing evil to commit it’s dirty deeds I am contributing to that evil. I speak up now like I never did before although I so realize there is more that I should be doing. I’ll get there, with the help of God.
(I’m currently reading “The Shack”. Wow, amazing inspiring book. Even if you’re not a Christian this book would be a beneficial read because it’s about love. And if you can love then it will resonate, create a connection in you. I actually thanked God for creating me last night.)
I wrote the above not in an effort to elicit sympathy or concern for me. That stuff is done and finished. I worked it out. I am joyful that the woman I once was, that scared woman is history. But I cherish, nurture and love her as she is still a small part of who i am. And also to remind me of where I was and where I am going.
And by healing myself with the mercy, love and power of God and I can turn my love and care towards those who are in that place I once was.
If I can heal and in the process become that real woman I formally dismissed and rejected, become strong, determined, peaceful, calm and joyful then ANYONE can do it.
You only have to choose to want beauty, love and light in your life and I will happen. Just don’t give up. Ever.
Peace, Love and Joy for all……
🙂
Oh, one more thing..
No of us owes another human being a damn thing especially our blood, sweat and tears. Speaking of adults not babies, children. As I’m not a mommy to humans I don’t have the right to speak on the topic of parenting. I’m clueless in that department.
When we come to terms, educate ourselves regarding pathological personality disorders, spend the necessary and enlightening time healing ourselves from loving predators, for how ever long that takes, we begin to see that rainbow on the horizon in technicolor. Bright, vivid, clear as a bell and that is what I consider reality.
Yes, reality is harsh and cruel and mean but it also illuminating, revealing, and as brilliant as a shiny diamond in crystal clarity. There is beauty in reality as well as ugliness.
Thing is, the beauty supercedes the ugly and fills the soul with goodness and rightness. We can most certainly choose what we wish to have in our lives. What we wish to observe, analyze, study and appreciate. What we wish to nurture, protect and love.
We can escape the ties that once bound us. We are unique, complex individuals and we can choose to be free if we let the pain go. Eventually. This is a process. As Donna and Kathleen wrote, digging deep and to the core of that pain, disappointment, resentment and fury. However far back we need to go to root out that pain then let it be done.
I’m writing this because I had to do that myself. Dig deep and far to locate, analyze, feel what I needed to feel while reliving, contemplating that pain. It is necessary if you wish to free yourself for a promising, gorgeous future. A future devoid of loving not only predators but people who are not concerned with what you want. What you need. Only a reciprocal relationship where both parties are giving and caring is this even possible. Hence, why I am single and why I will be single as long as I need to be.
I really love you folks and I geniunely believe you are awesome. I read your words and say to myself..”Wow, he/she is so smart! So kind! So phenomenal! Why can’t he/she see what I see?”
Well, because we’re modest and humble. These uncommon virtues are what seperate us from PDIs and other selfish, immature taker types. Yeah, it seems I’m somewhat prideful in my modesty and humility….haha. I’m not. Really I’m not. I struggle with doing the right and justified thing every day. I’m not exceptional in being the person I am. There are tons and tons of great people in the world and LF is only one avenue where they mingle.