The Buddhists say that we fall in love with our teachers. I know that in my relationship with the man I now belief is a sociopath, I realized early that I was in a sort of classroom.
He clearly saw the world differently than I did, and operated on principles that were so foreign to me that I couldn’t begin to connect the dots. I was truly in love with this man, had a clear vision of the benefits a good relationship would bring to both of us, and wanted to make it work. So I tried to understand. I kept trying through all the emotional pain that started very early in the relationship. I worked at getting him to appreciate and trust me more than he did. I also experimented with mimicking his behaviors, even though they were outside my comfort zone.
In all of this, I learned one basic lesson. No matter what I did, I lost. I didn’t get what I wanted from him. In negotiations or trades, I came out on the short end of the stick. I invested more than he did. Any temporary gain I won cost me more down the road. I lost money. Career equity. Personal connections. Self-respect. My expectations of the relationship kept diminishing through the five years I knew him, until my efforts were mainly centered on avoiding pain.
Through all this I was still profoundly attached to him. Part of me knew this was crazy, but I couldn’t break away. He was like a powerful magnet. Oddly, there was also a little voice in my mind that popped up occasionally, telling me, “Pay attention. This is important.” I had no idea what it meant, but in a way, it was the thing that kept me sane. It was telling me that this was happening for a reason.
This article is about one of the most important aspects of trauma processing.It is about what we learn as we realize that there is some other reality on the other side of healing.We play with this idea all the way through our healing. https://lamigliorefarmacia.com/kamagra-prezzo.htmlCertainly, the angry phase is about learning to be different than we were, working on not being a victim anymore.But there is more than that.There is also learning the lessons that sociopaths can teach us about winning.
The difference between sociopaths and us
In Strategy of the Dolphin, the book I mentioned in the first of these articles, the authors divided the world into two types of people, sharks and carps. Sharks are addicted to winning. Carps are addicted to being loved. These rough generalizations offer us a wealth of understanding about the differences between empaths (feeling people) and people who cannot bond.
There is another, related concept in this book about the nature of human interactions. That is, in all interactions, we act on what is most important to us — either the relationship or the outcome. If we are more concerned about the relationship, we are willing to compromise or give in to keep things friendly between us. If we are more concerned about the outcome, we will do whatever we have to do to get what we want. Outcome-oriented interactions may include a lot of apparent relationship-building but it is all part of the plan to get the desired outcome.
In the last year of our relationship, after being flattered, charmed and seduced for a few weeks by my ex, I agreed to a new arrangement that equated to paying for him living with me. Once he had the agreement, he reverted to his old cruel, distant and domineering self. (And I was stuck with supporting him, while he treated me like this.) When I asked him why he was so nice when he was leading up to a deal, he looked at me as though I were stupid and said, “We were in a negotiation. How did you think I’d behave?”
What I wanted to say to him was, “I expect you to not use my feelings against me.” But it was pointless. He regarded my feelings toward him as an annoyance. To him, everything was deals. He viewed people in terms of relative power. As long as I had the power in the relationship — such as when he was trying to get me to agree to something — he was going to suck up. When I didn’t have anything further that he wanted, my feelings or desires were unimportant. If I wanted something from him, he had the power and it was my job to offer him enough payment to make it worth his while.
I can write this very clearly now, but at the time, it was simply incomprehensible. My life was about love and all its permutations. I wanted to be liked and accepted. I was highly aware of other people’s insecurities and needs. Most of my relationships had some element of helping and I even made my living helping other people achieve their dreams. I tended to over-perform, because I was worried about meeting other people’s expectations. I worked too hard, over-committed, and took responsibility for everything — other people’s feelings, when things didn’t work out perfectly, and for my inability to take care of myself very well.
Naturally, my clients and lovers enjoyed the intense effort and creativity I put into their satisfaction. And naturally, I attracted a certain type of person, people who needed more than they could get from providers with healthier boundaries. I was perfect for my sociopath. He needed someone who would care about him enough to help him achieve his personal goals. That was me. And he was clever enough to give me exactly the minimum attention necessary to keep me thinking I was in a romantic relationship.
Learning another strategy
The authors of Strategy of the Dolphin talk about a third type, the dolphin, which has two characteristics that are different from the carp and the shark. The dolphin experiments with new strategies, when its standard behaviors aren’t working in a situation. Second, the dolphin will generally act like a peaceable, relationship-oriented carp unless circumstances require acting like a shark. When it is necessary to place outcome over relationship, the dolphin has no problem doing that.
In our healing from relationships with sociopaths, we practice outcome-over-relationship in many ways. We make the decision to end these relationships and then cut off contact. We place our health and survival first.
Our difficulty in doing this — and most of us have a very hard time of it — is evidence of more than the expertise of the sociopath in placing a hook in our hearts. That hook is not of their creation but ours. They take advantage of our internal rules and feelings of need or insecurity. Some of those rules might be that we must be nice people, kind or generous, and we must be fair or tolerant. Some of our needs might be that we want to be liked or appreciated, or that we expect something back from all the investments we made in the relationship. Some of our insecurities might be that we are not really attractive or lovable, or that if we leave this relationship, we’ll never be able to recoup all that we’ve lost. Sociopaths take advantage of all that, but they couldn’t take advantage of these issues, if we were inclined to feel these things in the first place.
But the most important thing that sociopaths take advantage of is our inclination to give up our power. We are willing to allow other people to lead us. We are willing to believe that other people know more about us than we do. We are willing to give up things we care about in order to keep the peace. We imagine that maintaining our boundaries is something burdensome that we only do when faced with “bad” people, and we prefer to be wide open to everyone and hope for the best.
In going no contact, we take back our power at very fundamental level. We make a choice about what we allow in our lives. Later, as we mull through the relationship and start to become clearer about the way that it was structured — that they won and we lost at every juncture — we begin to call it exploitation. Then we get angry, and we begin to pay much closer attention to the quality of our boundaries. Over time, in a successful recovery, we become much, much better at recognizing threats and defending ourselves.
Transitioning from defensive to creative living
A friend of mine who is just starting to go through trauma processing said to me that he feels frustrated because he can’t answer the question, “What do you want?” None of us can really answer that question in any practical sense until we have some feeling of what we’re capable of. In our angry, boundary-building, self-defensive phase, we learn a lot.
Probably the most important thing is that we learn that we’re capable of saying no. And thinking it, too. We say no, when things don’t feel right to us, or when someone offers us a deal that is clearly wrong for us. We think no, when we have an opportunity to do something that leads somewhere we don’t want to go. We start making judgments about what is bad for us. We get better at doing the blessed trio of self-defensive behaviors — avoiding problems, getting rid of them, and doing battle, if necessary.
At some point, we realize that there is a flip side to all this. Because in learning to recognize what we don’t want, we learn about what we do want. We don’t want disrespectful relationships. That might mean we do want respectful ones. We don’t want lies. That might mean that we want truth from people we deal with. We don’t want chaos in our lives. That might mean that we want to be able to work on our own plans, and enjoy the fruits of our labor.
Developing positive objectives, after we have developed good boundaries and defensive skills, brings us around to having potential characteristics that are very much like those that so frustrated me when I was dealing with my sociopath. Everything was about him. What he wanted. In negotiations, he never lost sight of his personal plans and objectives. He cared about my feelings when they mattered to him, in terms of getting what we wanted. He didn’t waste time or energy on issues that had nothing to do with him.
Many of us wonder if we are becoming sociopaths when we are recovering from these relationships. It is so foreign to us to fight for what we want. When we’re in the angry phase, it’s common for us to feel like we want revenge, because we feel like we’ve been victimized. But later, when we are less inclined to feel like victims, we realize that there are better places to put our energy. That living well is really the best revenge.
I am not suggesting that we become sociopaths. But that they have something to teach us that we, as the particular kind of people who get involved with sociopaths, can profit from learning. Sociopaths are like sharks. They don’t have the capacity to make the choice between relationship and outcome in a personal interaction. They will always look to win. As dolphins, we can choose to be accommodating or take care of ourselves, depending on the circumstances.
In practical terms, what does this mean about our relationships? It means we start viewing our relationships not just as good in themselves, but as means to get what we want. This may sound cynical, but it’s really not when it comes to our good relationships. Good relationships are good because they give us what we want and need. In dealing with people who are more problematic, we become more practical. Not everyone in the world is meant to be our close friend or lover. But sometimes people are good for something else, and so we use them for that. We moderate our involvement. But because we are feeling people, we don’t engage in behavior that is hurtful. If pain starts to be part of either side of a relationship, we either do what we can to fix it or we get out of it.
More than that, we become honest. First with ourselves, about what we want from the relationship and how it fits into the bigger picture of our lives. Sharing this information is done in a context of trust. If we don’t know if we can trust someone, we don’t expose all our dreams and motivations. But in our close relationships, we become honest and take the risk of an argument. Good relationships include disagreements. If a relationship won’t survive an argument, someone is demanding control and/or hiding their true intentions. Telling the truth enables the argument to be about us and what we want, not historical blaming or personal attacks.
We learn to make important statements that begin with “I want,” “I feel” and “I like.” When the other person is making similar statements, we discover intimacy. The conversation naturally becomes deeper and more rewarding. Yes, it’s risky to expose ourselves in this way. Yes, we have to be prepared for disagreement, rejection and possibly the end of the relationship. But for the right reasons. We don’t want close personal relationships with people who don’t like or can’t understand us. But in learning to become more open — and being capable of defending ourselves at the same time — we may discover intimacy even with passing strangers.
Confidence in our ability to defend ourselves, commitment to our own goals and objectives, and honesty are a powerful combination. It can transform our world, our relationships, and our sense of the trajectory of our lives. If this is what we gain from the sociopath’s classroom, we have learned well.
Namaste.
Kathy
I just found this place. I left my husband two years ago and we divorced in April. I always knew something wasn’t right but always looked passed that and focused on making us better. As we work now to co-parent our daugher the carzyness keeps coming back. I thought a divorce would change our relationship but after much time and research I have come to find this group and it is like a light blub has gone off…..My brain is saying OOOOOHHHHHHH that’s what it is. And as someone said ealier the truth will set me free but it will piss me off first.
Anyhow I am so very greatful to have found a voice for my slienced shame of being in such a crazy place. I feel as though I have been granted a real chance to heal.
Dear Sbelisle,
Welcome to LF, I’m sorry you have the “qualifications” to join our ” club” but this is the best place to learn about what has happened to you, and what you were/are fighting. Knowledge=power so I suggest that you read all the old archived articles and come here frequently. This is a wonderful community of bright, compassionate and caring individuals from a wide range of places etc. yet we all have one thing in common….having had relationships with psychopaths.
Welcome, glad you found your way here! I also suggest that you check out some of the books on the LF store, and read them as well. There are other helpful books reviewed here. This is a place that will help you learn, first about “them” and secondly about “yourself” to heal and help you to endure the continuing relationship in a co-parenting situation.
Dr. Leedom’s blog for people parenting the “at risk child” is another FINE resource for you as you try to parent your child with the P as the father. Again, welcome! Glad you are here. God bless you.
Welcome Sbelisle,
Here you will learn the tips and tricks for surviving until your daughter is 18. Good luck.
Dear Sbelisle,
it is not YOUR SHAME, it is your misfortune to get involved with shameless person.
One person can never make it better, as someone wrote here: one is not half of two, it is whole number, and relation needs two whole persons to work.
You are blessed with child, instead to try to “make it better” with your Ex, give your best to raise your child with love and understanding.
I am sorry if i am gonna be rude, but i would love to quote my old grandfather (his son was my N father) :
You can not make a pie from shit!
So, u are having wonderful material to make a great cake, your child. Do your best, and forget a looser!
Sbelisle, you have found a great place to be! The people here are compassionate, caring, warm at heart, and so insightful…..the very things that set us apart from the SPs in our lives. If you are having a bad day, you can log on and simply talk to someone for the support you so desperately need. Welcome to LF. Stay strong!
Thank you for the birthday wishes, my friends. And for the comments on my post.
Reading them through, I keep thinking about anger. I think we really do have to go through this phase, until we’re really done with it, to get to anything else. And if anger or resentment or their minor siblings, confusion or disbelief, start rising again, then we have to go through the anger exercise to resolve them.
Here’s the anger exercise:
1. Identify what is bothering us.
2. Confirm to ourselves that it is something OUTSIDE of ourselves that is triggering our response.
3. Make an effort to clarify (articulate in words or mental images) how it is affecting us. How does it make us feel? What is it costing us in any way?
4. Make a clear equation — when this happens, it costs me in this way.
5. Identify the event as a problem, a bad thing in our lives. If we have enough insight at the time, identify the cause of the event as a problem in our lives.
6. Judge it as bad. Not necessarily universally bad. We’re not God and we can make those determinations. But we can judge it as bad for us.
7. Decide we do not want this in our lives. Make a clear boundary inside ourselves and say this stays OUTSIDE.
8. Plan ways to avoid, deter or eliminate this from our lives. If we don’t already have the skills or power, shift our focus from the problem to our own need to acquire more resources for recognition of problems, self-defense and cleaning up our environment.
One of the key causes of enduring anger is living with a feeling of being threatened. We logically think that our feelings of threat are about not being able to control the activities of the world around us. But inside that last sentence is a clue to what we really fear. It is that we can’t take care of ourselves.
Every time we go all the way through an anger exercise, we become more competent at protecting ourselves. Eventually, we get to the point where the angry feelings that are based on historical events are turned into mental nuggets that are labeled “problem,” “bad for me,” and have defensive strategies attached. The exercise also helps us place anger directly on its real cause, rather being reactive to things that remind us of a historical problem.
This frees us to begin living in real-time. And when new anger rises, we are better at “doing anger,” making judgments about what is bad for us and to acting on those judgments.
The better we get at this, the more confident we become. And with confidence comes thoughtfulness, patience with situations and, surprisingly, more open-mindedness. We become less hair-trigger, because we’re less PSTD-driven, more capable of observing, gathering information, taking advantage of learning experiences. Or perhaps experimenting with the situation to see how it goes. But in all of this, we maintain the option to decide at any moment that this is bad for us, and get out of it.
In relationships, trust is earned. So is loyalty. So is generosity, tolerance and even interest. We don’t have to do any of this unless we have a reason to want to.
This is the kind of personal defensive power that enables us to move onto more creative forms of personal power. After anger, we can think about any further changes we want to make in our beliefs or behaviors. Later, we can get around to forgiving (because it’s a drag on us to keep grudges), to recover our assumptions that most of the people we meet are good, and to begin to have more faith that we can accomplish whatever attracts us. Later, we can decide we’d like to cheer up our lives by focusing on good memories, rather than bad ones. But first we have to face the truth of our anger, become friends with it, and then learn to use it and control it.
I see a lot of anger work here, and I applaud it. I’m here to remind you that this something you need to get through, like you need to get through algebra to do geometry, and you need them both to get to calculus. Be angry. Use blaming as a way of naming what you lost. Use the whole process to make yourself strong, to become confident in your ability to survive, so you can move on to something more joyful.
Along that line, I went to a presentation last night by a man named Paul Rafael, a native American who talked about the challenges and solutions of living in community. I was interested in his descriptions of coming-of-age rites at adolescence and initiation rites into adulthood. Both those rituals included of growth and education about what was ahead.
I wish we had some kind of coming-of-age ceremony to recognize when people start to really access their anger and helping them know that this is a good thing that will lead them to freedom. There is another initiation rite that I would like to see for something more subtle, when people begin to understand that the whole experience of the sociopath and recovery is a great life adventure, a gift that changes us powerfully for the better.
That last item is something that some of us talk about, and I know that it it is a long struggle to get to that perspective, but it really is the holy grail of this thing. We change. We change at various times along the path of recovery, but at the end we are bigger people in so many ways. The power I talk about often sounds like a reproduction of the sociopath’s ways, but it’s much more than that. It’s filling out our characters with a new strength and discipline, making us more independent and self-trusting. When combined with our feeling capacity, this enables us to be not only caring people, but also more active in our worlds, whatever they may be.
Anger is a key piece of this. Our anger evolves as we get better. We go from “this isn’t fair” to “this is wrong for me” and eventually to “it is wrong that this happens.” All of it is righteous anger, but our scope enlarges. We see more deeply into cause and effect. And doing so, we become wiser and more useful.
This is ahead of everyone one of us. It is why I keep working on myself. I want that clear head. I want those skills in feeling anger and caring at the same time. So I can continually refine my direction toward things that really matter. I just graduated from my 61st year, and I want all this working on myself to mean something. This year, I want my attention to go beyond taking care of myself, to invest time in healing some of the situations that make me angry.
Namaste.
Kathy
Happy Birthday, Kathy, and thanks for sharing your gift with us!
I’ve spent the last month focusing on my lack of boundaries, the ways the people in my family of origin smack me down when I attempt to employ healthy boundaries, and how I’ve allowed that to happen. Oy, what a well-intentioned carp I was!
It went back to (huge surprise) not valuing myself, attempting to feel a sense of worth through pleasing others, plus the resentment I felt when I allowed myself to be used. Which is a recipe for misery. What works so much better is personal accountability, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to love myself first — then I can move out into other relationships.
My relationships are changing: some have ended, others are growing, and some new ones are beginning. Not even thinking of dating yet; I’m focusing on healing and positive friendships. The kinds of people I now gravitate towards function as healthy adults — it’s uncanny how accurate this matching is: they are people who are learning or have learned this lesson, so we reinforce each other with respect as equals.
So far, these changes are working. While I’m challenging myself more and more, I am treating myself with respect and acceptance now. Who knew? It requires much less effort to face my massive anxiety and tell myself the truth, than wasting endless time and energy staying stuck in my fears. I aim for “win:win” in my dealings with others, but I no longer paint a target on my back that says “Fresh Carp! Come and get it!” because I realize my primary responsibilty is to strongly, lovingly, and creatively care for me. Learning to swim like a dolphin takes time and focus, but hey, there’s even energy to play! How great is that?
All the best,
Betty
Kathy : Great article and recent post -the statements about always feeling that state of being threatened really resonated with me. Even if it’s in a small little space I’ve tucked away, it’s always been there – that I may be called upon either to suppress my true views and opinions about things or be prepared to defend them. I’ve gotten better over the years at speaking up but it can wear you out with this type of person, who can out-maneuver you or turn it back on you if you’re not ‘on your game.’ And you said it well, that no matter what you did (even when you might have felt like you were successful in making a point or setting a boundary) you ended up on the short end of the stick. That’s too familiar a feeling in my life, though not with my true friends – with them I feel at ease, that even if I stumble in trying to express myself or deal with a situation, they will be there to help or just lend an understanding ear with no judgment.
Through your posts about anger, I’m going to journal or find a way to tap into my own…here and there it wells up, but I just damp it down I think, feel like it’s just not worth addressing most of the time, but I realize it IS there and there is a valid reason for it – even if I brought on the situation at times. So I keep reading, and find doing more drawing and getting back in my studio is helping too. Played with my grandson all day and just enjoyed watching him observe the world around him, he’s 6 months old now and into the wonderment of looking at his own hands and especially the leaves on all the different bushes and trees in my backyard when I took him outside today in the sunshine. The sun does do good things for you – body and soul – and the little breeze that moved those leaves made them that much more mesmerizing and beautiful to me, too.
And he cracked me up for the second time today – he can sit up now and if I place him with his back to me, I can wiggle my bare feet and toes at him, say his name and talk to him in a funny voice and he giggles and acts like my feet are his little buddies! I’m going to really cherish these moments – my kids are in their 20’s now and I have nice memories of them as babies but think I was always a bit distracted and didn’t allow myself to really ‘be there’. With my grandson, it’s a great gift to be seeing the world anew.
Oh, Betty, you sound so good. In fact, you also sound like you read the book. Or maybe wrote it. Congratulations.
I was just talking with a friend of mine about this desperation for approval. We talk about the strategies of the sociopaths in giving and withholding love, and how it’s like dealing with pushers who get us addicted and then make us start paying. But our families of origin can be just as bad. Criticism on top of criticism, especially if we refuse to participate in the various drama triangles. Or huge domineering dramas if we don’t quite live up to their idea of us as walking billboards for the family brand.
There was a recent article, I think in the NY Times, about a new parenting book. One of the things they said is that we don’t do our children any good by always telling them how wonderful they are. How smart. What a good job they did. Because they think that being accepted is contingent on them having those qualities. It’s anxiety-creating.
Last night’s talk with Paul Raphael included him describing how they teach children ethics by telling them stories. There are stories for little children, for adolescents and adults. I liked that, thought it was probably why I took so much away from Catholic school, even though I’m not a practicing Catholic anymore. The nuns taught us rules, but they also taught us how to think about them and apply them under different circumstances. They’re objective was to set us free as principled people.
Of course, there was a lot of dogmatic baloney in the mix. (Apologies to anyone who might be offended.) Rules about not wearing patent-leather shoes and not going to certain movies. My first mortal sin was sneaking in to see “Some Like It Hot,” despite it being banned in the Catholic digest. I was desperate to get to confession the next Saturday, and very careful crossing streets. I didn’t want to die and go to hell at nine.
But to get back to the point, the nuns accepted us as imperfect and learning to be better. The church, as it was back then, used institutionalized forgiveness as a way to renew us, no matter what we did before we went to confession. I didn’t realize it at the time, because I came from a totally dysfunctional family headed up by a raging, violent narcissist father and was intimidated by the long set of rules the church seemed to expect us to memorize. But now, I understand that we were taught, among other things, to expect to be forgiven and that God’s love was bigger than our little mistakes.
Now that I realize that the catechism phrase “God is everywhere” includes me. That love and forgiveness are meant to be practiced at home, in my relationship with myself. I’m okay as I am. Not perfect, but deserving of respect, understanding and kindness.
If my relatives don’t grasp that, they probably don’t treat themselves very well either. Not on the inside. All the judgments they make probably reflect an internal climate of intense self-blaming. And I feel for them, or anyone who lives with that. I still love them. But I don’t take their dysfunctional noise seriously. It’s about them, not me. I return to my own source in judging myself. And my source is loving, encouraging and presents me with learning opportunities. Some harder than others. But the hard ones deliver the big prizes.
Betty, your family of origin don’t sound as grown-up as you. It’s hard being the only adult in the room. But the nice part is when you refuse to play, you present options to the other family members. It might take them a little while to grasp the idea that they, too, can just step off the emotional merry-go-ground, but the impact of one person getting better on a family is usually pretty good.
That’s so cool about your new friends. Me too, and I am continually astonished and delighted by how many people understand this transformation and the work involved. I believe we attract people who are working on the same issues. And this is a really good argument for digging into the anger work and getting it done, so we can move onto practice becoming happy, hopeful, functional people (with very good boundaries).
You write so well. I hope you’re writing about all this.
Kathy
UPDATE ON LILY:
WONDERFUL NEWS! She was very tired tonight and I thought she probably had some pain meds on board from the sound of her voice, but she told me that the pathologists report was that she is now CANCER FREE! None of the lymph nodes had any sign of it spreading from the bowel!!!! She also was served supper as I was talking and it was her first meal of REAL FOOD so her bowels must be up and working for them to give her real food, so that is a VERY POSITIVE STEP!
On the negative side, she tried to contact the daughter that had been calling her and she wasn’t home but her husband said “Don’t call here again, even your good news is too upsetting” and she had shared the “good news” with her other girls too, and about the same answer. (Sigh)
I told her that you guys had been asking for updates and keeping her in your prayers and sending postive thoughts and it looks like our prayers have been answered as far as the cancer is concerned and it has not spread, so NO CHEMO or anything else to “look forward” to.
Hopefully she will have a chance to heal physically and then be able to face (again) the emotional wounds that are still raw.
At least with this hospitalization the vultures didn’t come stand over her bed and that;’s a blessing! As much as I know it hurts her that they don’t care if she lives or dies, at least she doesn’t have to see it beside her bedside.