Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, the turn of the year, the winter solstice and all the holidays of the “dark” time of the year are celebrations of the miracle of renewal. The harvest and colorful leaf fall of autumn is over, and the seasons are turning again to the beginning of the annual cycle of life. Our gifts, all our gatherings, the lights and candles are all expressions of joy in our shared warmth, and our faith and hope in our survival through the cold months to the blooming of spring again.
This morning, reading in bed (Richard Powers’ Prisoners Dilemma), I found this line: “Inside each of us is a script of the greater epic writ little, an atlas of politics so abundant it threats to fill us full to breaking.”
It made me want to write you about the “politics” of getting over a relationship with a sociopath. Sociopaths challenge our faith and hope. Our faith in ourselves, and the goodness of the world. And our hope that there are happy endings for us, or that anything we do will be enough to prevail over the forces of evil or the random destruction that appears in any life. In some ways, this is the biggest challenge of healing — to recover our easy belief that we are precious in the world and that what we need is here for us. Somewhere in our hearts, we remember feeling that way. But we are struggling with a terrible lesson that seems to prove otherwise.
As I write this today, I am looking out the windows behind my desk at a grey sky. Sleet is coming and dangerous roads. The snow is frozen hard on the ground, and dozens of finches, cardinals and jays are at the feeders. At dawn, deer came to nibble on the ears of corn my son scattered at the edge of the woods. My furnace died earlier this week, on a day where the temperature never climbed above 25, and it was 12 hours before the repairmen figured out how to get it going again. Now, with the heat turned up, and me wrapped in sweaters and fleece and woolen socks, my fingers and toes are chilled by the cold that falls through the storm windows.
Elsewhere in the house, my years-old Christmas cactus is blooming beside a wildly-sprigging rosemary bush that looks vaguely like a Christmas tree. Wrinkled but still sweet apples, picked months ago from a local orchard, wait to be peeled and mixed with mincemeat for a pie. A leg of lamb is in the refrigerator for Christmas dinner with a man who was an untrustworthy lover, but a loyal and delightful friend. After dinner, we will go to the movies with my son to see Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes.
All of it stories of risk and survival, disaster and renewal, the fine edge we walk and the mysterious providence that brings us to each new day. Even the most blessed life encounters harsh weather, and sometimes we find ourselves in trouble that taxes us beyond our conventional wisdom. When our rules don’t work, and our usual insurance policies don’t suffice, we are challenged. And often, we don’t know what it means.
Does it mean that somehow we have fallen from grace, that our luck has changed and we are no longer loved by the world? Does it mean that we are broken in some fundamental way, and no longer dare to be comfortable with ourselves? Does it mean that the world is darker than we once imagined, and that we must struggle harder for less?
This is what a great philosopher called the “dark night of the soul.” In this midst of this challenge, there is something truly great happening. A kind of personal miracle that — depending on how we think about things — occurs in our intellect, emotions or spirit. When faced by something we do not understand and cannot manage with our usual tools, we are learning and growing. Like the germs of life stirring in the seeds buried in the cold earth, we are experiencing the birth of something new in ourselves.
Because the challenge is threatening, because it makes us question ourselves and what we know, the first part of the learning seems like recognition of evil in the world. Sociopaths seem to be dark messengers, informing us that our love, goodness and hope cannot triumph over their selfishness, greed and senseless destruction. But in time, we come to realize that this lesson is not really about evil at all, but despair.
This is about a war — profound and eternal — of belief. Are we, as sociopaths believe, essentially alone in an uncaring and untrustworthy world, forced by circumstance and entitled by the survival instinct to take whatever we can grab for ourselves? Or is there something about us that is blessed by connection to something larger — the love we share with other people, our dependence on the combined strength of our communities, our instinct that an infinite wisdom and strength exists beyond our imagining, larger than us, but also part of us? And that we are meant, by some birthright that we can hardly explain but that is clearly part of our deep character, to find lasting peace, understanding and gratitude.
What we ultimately learn from an intimate encounter with a sociopath is that this battle is not in the world, but in ourselves. The sociopath triggers our fears, our insecurities, our willingness to give up what we value for the illusion that the ultimate source of love or safety is outside of us. In their betrayals, in the brutal disappointments they return for our commitment to the gorgeous illusions they cast to draw us in, we are thrown back on ourselves. They prove to us, in a way that is a perfect mirror of however much we were willing to give them to make this illusion real, that the first source of our love, safety and greatest wisdom is inside of us. That, however important shared love and community may be, the foundation of everything good in our lives is inside us.
It is about what we believe. At base, under all the little rules we’ve picked up from parents and teachers, under all the little restrictions we’ve placed on ourselves as a result of old traumas, under all the lingering resentments or fears we’ve never resolved, is what we believe about ourselves and this life. It is what, under it all, we know to be the truth and the meaning of our stories.
Our lives, like the life of every other living thing, are about survival and growth and learning. Our lives are about understanding more as we age, an evolving wisdom that sometimes grows out of joy and triumph and sometimes out of pain and loss. Our lives are about trying, not waiting around for something to happen, but also believing that trying is not just us working at what we see. Trying also magically attracts new resources to us. Everyone here on LoveFraud knows how trying to get better brought us here, and here we found resources that simply zoomed toward us, challenging us in good ways to wake up to new ideas and use them. That is how the world works.
Our lives are also about seasons. Not just the season of age, but the seasons of mastery. We have little challenges to learn on a daily basis, and we have huge challenges that we inherited, and that are so much part of the fabric of our family’s history or the state of the entire world that a lifetime may not be enough to understand it all or master its opportunities. We learn the immediate things — how to change a diaper, work the e-mail, get along with a boss, drive in the snow. But our lifetimes are also about those immense inherited questions, and part of the meaning of our life is how much we do learn and how our learning affects the great whole.
Nothing, not one breath or molecule of these recoveries from grief and loss, is wasted. We are part of a great turning of seasons. What we do here is important. We are important. The world and the great spirit that gives it life force have given us a gift, an opportunity to learn something amazing. About ourselves. About the meaning of love and belonging, as well as solitary courage. About how to be whole in the face of adversity. About the great cycle of renewal in ourselves, and how truly dependable is the fact that we are meant to learn, grow, thrive, bloom again, and face new challenges as we feel strong enough for a thrilling new learning experience.
The earth is turning toward sunnier days. Seasons when we take the warmth and light for granted. So are we.
As Oxy likes to remind us, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Not just to endure. But to recover joy, confidence and belief that every bit of this is a gift, sent to us to help us clear our internal decks, get rid of fear and grief and anger, and open our minds to the bright spirit of faith and hope, peace and joy, understanding and gratitude that is our birthright, that lives in the center of our beings.
Namaste. The light in me salutes the light in you.
Kathy
eileen:
thanks for your kind words. when he left i said to him; ‘you’re so far beneath me, i can’t even see you anymore!’ he looked stunned, then got furious and screamed back; ‘i’ll have a vendetta against you forever!’ he knew that i had found out the TRUE him.
one step:
you hit about 20 nerves at a time here. i have to really absorb this.
i’m into photography (one of the very few things i still do and enjoy; when my feet don’t hurt too much to get outside), and most of my photos are of trees and sky and flowers. they are the things that make me feel human now; other humans, i’m just afraid of them deep inside.
i, too, am completely isolated except for my job as a teacher, which is so challenging it’s all i can do to get out of there standing up. i choose to be isolated; too fat, too ugly to be out in public. he took SO much of my self-esteem and self-worth. i work hard to reclaim it, and HELL YEAH, i wish i could afford acupuncture every week!
many of the things you wrote tore through me with their truth. sometimes, it’s too much to absorb any more.
heaven:
he’s NOT human. none of them are. they are literally some pod-creatures all borne of some hellish blob. i refuse to believe the ex is human. he is the coldest, sickest, slickest, most seductive thing that exists. and i hope i never come within a mile of another one of these creatures. one time, he was laying in my lap, and he looked up at me and i was stunned: he looked like a mythological creature … a satyr i decided later. it was one of the spookiest moments of my life. his appearance gives him a lot of power over women, right down to the strategically-placed scars which i just heard on the news last night, ”when placed so that they give an appearance of toughness, are, in the short term, an aphrodisiac for women.’
god(dess) help us all!
you have all given me hope that what i am experiencing physically is truly the fallout from the spiritual terrorism we have all experienced. i will work harder to take care of myself, and i send blessings and light to all of you, that you do the same. we must move through the myst of sulfur and soot, back into the presence of our truth and our power.
2010.
hOLY COW!! the anger, the feeling of being afraid to move, bending over backward for people who DO NOT CARE and will turn the knife in your belly if they get the chance. Erin and pollyanna our mothers have much in common. I actually am very close to my mother but she will not EVER stand up for me or be willing to hear about my pain and anger. It is far too late now, she is 77 years old and has not been very introspective or self-aware , although she will readily admit making mistakes in picking my father who beat her and then my stepfather who did all the other VERY Sociopathic cheating and lies and laziness and stealing and sexual abuse of my youngest sister.
These threads are just exhausting to read when you are exhausted to begin with – but this is where I am in so many ways – Kathleen and Erin and pollyana – the BIGGEST DEAL is having to face your entire belief system based in your dysfunctional family of origin. I think for some of us maybe we are just too nice and people take advantage, but for many of us we are damaged by the people who raised us and we just give and give without expecting good behaviour or trustworthiness or even kindness or reciprocation of our loving feelings from TOO MANY people not only in our own families but others we think of as friends.
Amber, when you said your younger sister ROLLED HER EYES at your pain it just is exactly how I have been treated by the sister I was closest too. We had a good relationship until she moved to where my younger P sister lives, and the younger P manipulated her to isolate and abandon our relationship, and I could not understand what the hell happened. It was crazy what happened – my younger sister was an alcoholic who recovered and went on and has a career and family – but she knew that she could NOT CONTROL me. So she manipulated my other sister to drop me from their lives. I was not so surprised at my P-sister’s behaviour, but what shocked me was my closest sister falling in line and betraying me like that.
As a result of this I have not seen my niece or 3 nephews in 5 YEARS! I was a doting aunt and I have no other children. I lived in another state and would always travel to see them, before I became ill and disabled for the last ten years. My youngest sister never once visited me in 20 YEARS, although I had been to visit her family and children also. One day she lost it on a phone conversation with me, and EVERYTHING changed. I am having an ordinary conversation with her when she suddenly goes into a rage and hangs up on me. I had seen THE MASK DROP, and I was at first bewildered and apologetic, wondering what I had done. The next thing I knew she sent me an email that sounded icy and robotic – saying “that since I had become an ALCOHOLIC who slurred my voice on the phone she and her husband decided they could have no more contact with me until I cleaned myself up.” huh???!!!! It was THE PROJECTION OF HER OWN PROBLEM ONTO ME, I who never have more than an occasional beer or glass of wine.
I spent a long and fruitless time trying to explain the error of her logic and conclusions, which was just her way of gaslighting me since she knew I would never submit to her manipulation.
My other sister said that the p-sister had CONVINCED her that I had a problem and therefore could not be allowed to visit them or see my niece and nephews anymore. I said to her – HOW COULD YOU BELIEVE THIS?? you know it’s not true! This woman is a psych-nurse for pete’s sake!! But my younger sister is the PSYCHIATRIST, so she must KNOW BETTER!!! A good person can be persuaded that BLACK IS WHITE by a cunning spath.
This is a long-term pattern with her. She shunned my mother FOR TEN YEARS, but recently DECIDED that she COULD ACCEPT my mom back into her life. My mother was practically dying and in the hospital for six months and my P-sister did not even call or visit her ONCE!
BUT NOW – after she recently got divorced – she DECIDED to FORGIVE my mother and ALLOW her back into her life.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I BARF UP THE XMAS DINNER I DIDN’T HAVE!
It is bad enough when you have to get rid of a significant other who has damaged your trust, your finances, and possibly your health and mental well-being. But when you have to do that with your entire family, it is just TOO MUCH! And I know that is the case with many here. I have been trying to be the bigger person while I let them all bleed me to death. After coming to LF I more and more realize that THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT REDEEMABLE, even if they are my family. I do not have to love people who treat me badly – as my mother taught me to do from birth. It just makes me have to repeat being the victim over and over again and I will not take it any more. This XMAS was THE LAST STRAW!
Amber – as your younger sister is only 24 years old, part of her behaviour may just be the arrogance of youth. Give her time. I remember being a bit selfish myself at that age. HOWEVER, if her behaviour and attitude don’t change over time, she is just an a-hole who doesn’t care about or value you, or that you were her surrogate mother. The behavior of my siblings is just ARROGANT and unbelievable, while my mother wants to pretend that we are all one big happy family.
I love them and miss them – my younger sister and brother are very charming charismatic funny people who appear to be kind and concerned and loving – they are both P’s and unredeemable.
I am 53, and the youngest, my brother, just turned 40. We all just found out he was still married to the woman he left FOUR YEARS AGO. She is a psycho-spath-con-user nasty person, and we were all so helpful to him to get him out of that situation. I lent him money which he always tells me (when he sees me) that he will pay me back. He is a liar – he lived with another woman for 1 1/2 years without EVER telling her he had not bothered to get divorced from his psycho wife. We all recently met his new girlfriend when he came to our home town (where my mother lives and I now live). Then my mother found out a month ago THAT HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO THE PSYCHO and had not told his new girlfriend. I said, Mom, that’s it, he is making us all lie to her because we know and she doesn’t!
The new girldfriend only found out about the wife, because the wife hacked into my brother’s FB account and sent her a nasty letter. Nice, huh? As I found out on earlier visits to this site, he is going to ruin the new career he has begun in the army 3 years ago. These wonderful people all spent XMAS together. I was not invited or received so much as a phone call or passing gift. I am so sick of this behavior, and telling my mother that there is no excuse for these people to behave this way. She did raise us to have manners, not mistreat anyone, and to be honest. Apparently it didn’t take. My youngest brother is the stepfather’s son. My mother has been aware from the death of that relationship that he was a classic sociopath. and we have been raised to understand what that is and how they behave. He pretty much abandoned his own son and sexually abused my youngest sister. For years I have tried to be compassionate and understanding but now I am just sick of this behavior. I have always been loving and supportive and friendly and nice blah blah blah, but I am tired of getting the “chit” put back up my ass.
Kathleen, I think you are very good to say that you can only train people to treat you better, but I have tried to undo this for the past five years. I have been vocal to everyone in my family how this behavior doesn’t even make sense. My mother would like to pretend everything is fine – she’s done that from childhood. But some people are just toxic. I love my mother, both my sisters and my younger brother – I was the oldest child and was put in the position of taking care of them all when we grew up, so that is always in me. My mother just makes excuses for people and looks the other way. I am realizing that I have had far too much compassion for these people who have just been horrible to me. It cannot be fixed, regardless of what I do or don’t do. They will just stand back and call me a sucker.
Love is what people do, not what they say. Pollyana I can relate to so much in my childhood is lost in some blur I have no memory of – my sister who is 2 years younger than I am remembers many things that I do not. I have had years and years of therapy and self-help books and really trying to understand what the hell went on in my childhood, but I have only ever had ONE memory come back about anything negative. My last therapist of over 3 years was absolutely convinced that I had been sexually abused, but I really have no idea. I think living with my father’s violence and my mother’s denial were probably enough. She could never deal with me having sadness or anger of any kind without going into a rage herself or giving me the silent treatment while she would slam doors all over the house. Even after my father was killed in an auto accident (I was seven) I was not allowed to grieve or process those feelings at all. She pretended like he had never existed. I remember crying myself to sleep at night as quietly as possible because she could not accept any display of emotion from me.
I really have told myself more than once in the past few years that I shouldn’t even miss spending time with these people. And the LF stories have made me finally wake up and smell the coffee – these people will not ever change, and behave the way a family should. My therapist told me 2 years ago that when I planned to move back home near mom that I would need help from my family. I began speaking to my closest sister, but when I brought up the fact that we could not repair our relationship unless she stopped this delusion that my younger sister had manipulated her into accepting (the result of which estranged me from seeing my nieces and nephews) she said dismissively “Oh, that?” ROLLING EYES ON THE END OF THE PHONE LINE. I just said you know this is just not going to work. I called my therapist IMMEDIATELY and told her NOT to discuss anything with my sister anymore because I cannot TRUST her. I had to move without any help from my family. I have been back in my hometown now for TWO YEARS expecting some kind of reconciliation, but it has never happened. SHAME ON THEM!
I am too good of a person to let them continue to abuse me this way. I am honest and they cannot deal with that.
lostingrief: PHOTOG, ME TOO!!! my camera is broken, unfixable – take epics, take pics! OF TREES AND SKY AND of isolated you. take pics of isolated you so you CAN SEE YOU!
YOU’RE THERE. i KNOW YOU ARE!
Take pics of too ugly too fat idea and see you and have COMPASSION for girl so duped, so devalued she says bad words to herself about her so precious heart!
AND YOU, MY DEAR DESERVE A 5 FREAKING GOLD STARS FOR MAKIN’ IT TO SCHOOL TO TEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many of the women i know who have fibro and MCS are teachers – sick buildings, stressful jobs that require lots of compassion and few institutional resources to be brought to bear.
They started this group to heal themselves: http://www.healthpursuitsgroup.com/
bye
one step
LIG: wow, SULFUR AND SOOT – i’m taking that one!
Lostingrief – wow – you are digging deep here – look after yourself while you do it. It’s really taxing eh? You’ve hit the nail on the head though – it all stems from the dysfunctional family upbringing – we never had a chance with the SPNs – we were fully primed and ready to be exploited. And yes to go back all the way to the beginning and develop new systems that serve us better is extremely painful but ultimately what we have to do. Isn’t it funny that we intuitively know that? We in our bodies know what we have to do to get better from these experiences and we can see why they happened and what has to change. So the SPNs were really messengers or teachers for us. I hope this contributes to our cushy retirement in the never never afterlife! We definitely deserve it!
HEAVENBOUND … I am glad you’re gathering strength – I know how scary it is to get back into life, but it’s wonderful once you take the first step! And I really would make you hot chocolate – think that is what is best to salve the soul sometimes – a nice steamy mug with froth on top and lots of melty marshmallows!
To the person who said they hadn’t been hugged in ages … I can so relate to that. I have started giving my friends BIG hugs
I am so blessed to have found you ladies (and men). I don’t know what I would have done without your advice, love, support and encouragement – I was in an awful state before coming here. And now things are progressing by leaps and bounds. I know we all have our bad days but there is more than enough love travelling the information highway from the people here to lift one another out of it. Thankyou so much for all your love – there is really no other word for it. For people who have never met me in real life, I feel like you are real friends who actually give a damn about each other and me. I really hope we all get to meet some day 🙂
(excuse me – know we’re all having financial dramas and hangover problems from the Spath b**tards but I am having a huge warm fuzzy moment!)
pollyanannomore check this:
http://www.healthpursuitsgroup.com/
Lostingrief: have you read the BETRAYAL BOND? I got it from the library – it’s awesome.
I am one step ahead of you one step! I had already right clicked and opened it in a new tab – I’m just having too much fun today hopping from post to post having finally discovered the magic time of the day when you all post! Finally nice to be part of a real time conversation lol
Unfortunately that magic time is waaaaay past my bedtime, so good night, or good morning/afternoon everybody!
pollyanannomore: how iz it possible zat you are wun step ahead of wun step!
goodnight eileen!