By | December 23, 2009 78 Comments

Give yourself the gift of trusting yourself

It’s the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves?

This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth.

When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our lives. Axioms by which we lived turned out to be flawed: No, not everyone can be saved by our love. Yes, when some people say, “I love you,” they’re lying. No, not everyone is good deep down inside. Yes, evil exists.

The turmoil can leave us feeling like we’re drifting without an anchor.

I’d like to suggest that this year, we give ourselves the gift of a new anchor, a new axiom. And what is the gift? Trusting ourselves.

Most of us knew on some level, early in the involvement with the sociopath, that something was wrong. The sociopath’s stories didn’t add up, the behavior seemed odd, the emotions didn’t match the words. But we doubted ourselves. We let the sociopath explain away our queries, or convince us that we were paranoid.

Then, as the entanglement progressed, we started to lose ourselves. Perhaps the sociopath told us we were insane. Perhaps it was easier not to argue. Eventually our lives no longer seemed to be ours.

Well, we’ve learned the hard way that we were right all along. So let’s not berate ourselves for not heeding our instincts. Let’s take it as proof that our instincts work.

We may have to start slowly, by consciously asking ourselves, “What do I want to do now? What is right for me in this situation?” But as we release the anxiety of the sociopathic relationship and listen to ourselves, we’ll find that we have the answers.

This year, let’s give ourselves the gift of trusting and believing in our own good. We can do it. We can emerge from this experience with hard-won wisdom, and move forward to create a happy and fulfilling life.

The Lovefraud authors will be taking a break for the holidays, and will resume posting after the New Year. We wish all of you a healthy, safe and Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, blessed solstice, or whatever you celebrate, and a wonderful New Year!

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A lovely and timely reminder, Donna. Yes, we can give ourselves the gift of a new anchor of self-trust.

My personal relationship with a N/S especially helped me confront my own insecurities from family-of-origin stuff and co-dependency issues in ways that free me daily from believing I am obligated to try to work things out with everyone.

The reality is that some people are impossible. They refuse to cooperate or compromise. “Mutual benefit” is not part of their vocabulary.

I received emails today from someone I did business with this year, and the individual attempted to intimidate me in different ways. I don’t know if this guy is a S or N, but he definitely has traits of being a bully. His way of relating is backwards.

I let the guy have the last word. I’d already made my points earlier about a relatively minor dispute with this person and suggested options for dealing with a problem he created that he is now trying to make my problem solely.

I survived the personal relationship with my ex-N/S, and now find myself maintaining a calm demeanor in the face of the business acquaintance’s non-sense, responding in writing in ways that I am very proud of.

In many ways, my education from dealing with a personality-disordered person has resulted in trusting myself on an entirely different level. I have greater clarity and boundaries. I feel it on a soul-level, and am excited as I move forward.

I am pumped as move forward. I take full responsibility for creating a fulfilling life for myself.



my second ‘wow’ for tonight for your post!

going to print this one too!


This being the anniversary of one of the worst x mas eve’s last year the awkwardness, the humiliation, the set up with the ex female landlord … I am N/S/P free now….! I never listened to myself, the inner voice telling me.. wtf is he /she doing?? I mean yes I heard it but blew it off like this cant be happening .. who does this to another person… someone you have stood by for so long could just set you up to be “hurt”… well I am an intelligent, young woman and I am capable of having a healthy relationsionship and this is my time to get myself and accomplish my “goals” I do have them and most of all .. there is no one to tell me …how to drive? how to do the dishes? how to mop a floor? how to do my homework?… what to wear , eat , how to sleep when to sleep? the list is endless…. a year fly’s by… trusting our instincts….. in the movie… under the tuscan sun… when she is buying the house the little old italian lady says she is waiting… for a sign…. a signo from dio “a sign from god.”.. before she agrees to sell the house to DL also ignored those signs as well…. not anymore… I first came here on independence day 09 that was my first sign…. then the relapse… now the final boot….. Thank you to everyone here… Donna for the article… and all the great listening and support Oxy… Cat , Matt, EB, Polly and anyone I forgot…


one_step_at_a_time says: Thank you for the shout-out of support.

The common denominator for me — something I once knew but had to re-learn in the last year — in all these experiences is to not personalize other people’s behaviors or issues. It can be so easy to forget, as this appears to be a flip side of our ability to be empathic and willing to consider what role we play in a situation when a conflict arises with another.

As normal people, we will have our neurotic moments as part of our human condition. But I/we need to stop a tendency to blame ourselves or take on responsibility for things we are not responsible for. Making such distinctions and letting go on a regular basis means less stress and more freedom and inner peace.

Those with character/personality disorders will gladly project all blame and shift responsibility onto everyone else, as they tend to see “the world” as always at fault.

This year, I have been constantly reminded of why balance and discipline are necessary in all aspects of life — personal and professional; mental and physical. As M. Scott Peck wrote in “The Road Less Traveled,” discipline gives us the tools to acknowledge and deal with problems in life in ways that promote respect for self and others, with potential to enhance personal and spiritual growth.

Personal power results from practicing discipline, which demonstrates self-respect from a foundation of healthy (as opposed to malignant) self-love.


Oopsy. In my previous post, the attribution to one-step “says” should have left out “says.”

Ox Drover

Great Article, Donna!

This year has been for me a “gift” of learning to trust myself in some things, and learnig to accept other things in myself that are more difficult (I won’t say impossible) to change.

I never ceases to amaze me the new insights I get from LoveFraud authors and bloggers every day. The gift of trusting our instincts and listening to them is a big GIFT, and one which each of us should gift themselves with. I got a big package of that last summer (an early Christmas present) when I was able to assess a situation with someone and come to the conclusion that they were a psychopath, masking as a victim. Putting that trust in myself and asking them to exit my life, and then seeing plainly the gyrations they went through to elicit pity from me was almost laughable. Everything ever described by a blogger here happened just like a “play” that I already knew the plot to, the actor was just changed. They planed the role to “perfection” and it didn’t move me at all.

I have hit myself on the back for this trusting of myself, puonded my back black and blue patting myself on the back for this and I will continue to do so. The realization that I CAN trust myself, that I CAN stand up to this kind of great psychopathic performance and NOT BE MOVED, to not get emotionally involved in it, to NOT let my empathy for the “downtrodden” overcome my instincts (to say nothing of common sense!) is so empowering.

And even though I know I am human and I may be fooled again in the future, I will feel much more trust in myself to spot them EARLY on before they have done damage to me.

This gives me a sense of safety, of trusting myself to keep myself safe. If we can’t trust ourselves, WHO can we trust?

Establishing SELF TRUST I think is THE most important part of our healing, and I’m glad I reached that milestone in 2009. It will make 2010 a better year, a safer year, and for this I thank you and all teh authors and bloggers here for helping me reach that point. Without thinking about it, I couldn’t have reached it, and LF and the articles and blogs here are what made me THINK about this aspect of healing so that I could lacheive it.

Happy Holidays to everyone here!!!!!


OxDrover — I know you know your not being moved by the psychopathic performances and not getting emotionally-involved in the pity-plays will result in being called/labeled “cold,” “bitch” and worse by those whose manipulations no longer work. LOL.

A year-end toast to you for making SELF-TRUST your motto, which, as you say, is THE most important part of our healing.

Happy Holidays to you and all on Lovefraud who have provided me such warmth on this journey of ongoing recovery.



your post above where you mention not taking things personally could have been written by me three years ago. in fact, your insertion of ‘says’ really had my head tilted sideways, cause it sounded so much like me pre N and pre S.

THANK YOU. part of this healing is to see who i was before contact. and i don’t want to go back to who i was then——-i wanna be BETTER.

I had an experience in a meeting last week – a few minutes of watching two folks trying to gaslight me and a room full of people. I am glad my laptop was between me and them – i could see the LF icon on my toolbar. I held my own better than I ever could have in the past.

Out of the meeting i explained what they were doing to someone who was shaking her head at their behavior. I said, ‘that was gaslighting. I don’t what they motivation was – probably to pass the buck, etc. but this is the process…’


Christmas is my Birthday.

Today my mother asked me what kind of cake I wanted.
I am a big fan of ice cream cake, which I have requested pretty consistantly since the passing of my grandmother, whom would make all of our cakes from scratch.
This year at the age of 31, I decided I didn’t want and ice cream cake, but I also am not a big fan of whipped or cream frosting…I was lost.
I kept telling my mom, “I don’t know.” then, “I don’t care.”

But, then a little, tiny voice inside of me spoke. Each time I said I don’t know, or I don’t care the voice grew.

For those who are still tuning their receptors to the still small voice within; it’s not audible of-course, but it feels like guilt or anxiety.
When I “heard” the voice I knew there must be something I wanted. I HAD to decide. This was MY birthday afterall. I DESERVE what I WANT.

I had to think.

First I sorted through my mental catalog of distinct bakeries, then I decided on the flavor.

It was a bitter-sweet moment.
I am saddened by the realization that my first instinct is to go the easy route, and NOT make things difficult for others.
I am empowered by my exercising of my opinion and voicing my preferences.

Why was this so hard?

I am growing and healing now, but it is alarming at how slowly I am progressing.

-I think this is in the realm of what this article is expressing, and I hope I have shed some light for others who are still learning to love and care for, and YES, trust their instincts.

Love and Peace to all
“and to all a good night!”



Great article.. yes to trust myself and like another post wrote don’t take others behavior personally.. how they behave is about them.. and if they don’t treat me with respect and value I am gone.. To look at what others do, how they do it, really listen and more important to hear and to go slow.
Last night, I went to dinner with a girlfriend and where we ate was where the guy and I went often. In fact we took his mother there for her birthday dinner and she died about a week later… He was in my area. So there are memories in the place that I have gone for years.. but I confort them when they tweak me.. My girlfriend brought up the role modeling of her telling me how this man entered my life and the way that he just took it over.. she did it like a man was doing that to her .. so I could see it clearly… putting some distance on what is going on in your life and sharing with a friend and getting their objective input really allows you to see with new eyes.. I saw in the first week what this man was doing and had I listened to my instincts and pulled back I would’ve seen him faster and confronted things.. But was this supposed to happen in that I helped his mother.. After she died and I found out that he was about to be evicted when he moved in with me… I never trusted him again..and I actually was suspecious in the first week… as it was too much too fast.. but I will give him this.. he hung in like almost the perfect partner for months.. but it all felt contrived and I just could never beleive him.. and that is another aspect that we talked about.. I geninuely care for people.. in my heart.. I dom’t fake it.. and it amazes me how others can fake it .. use the word love.. use the word soulmate like they are saying hello… then they are off to another…

So that is the hurt.. and the realization yes, trust myself.. as my God given instincts have never failed me..
I am genuine and that is what attracts them to me and why I am blinded.. I assume that they are as real as I am.. and they aren’t..
And I have this in business, like in another post.. I just recently had issues with a business interaction.. and persons in personal life.. It’s like most everyone is just out to get what they can get, use others to get it, lie, con, and even use religion to do so.. this world is getting even worse on some aspects…conning everywhere…
Seeing clearly, feeling your moral adjuster, and reconizing the con.. keeping people at arms length.. don’t reveal so much about myself.. done be so open..realize cons are looking for you to reveal yourself…

Protect myself and trust my instinsts..TRUST MYSELF not others… and surround myself with honest friends..that aren’t afraid to tell the truth.. Proudly that is what my girlfriends say about me.. that when they ask me.. they can count on the truth.. I have no agenda…



Banana: I am reading the Betrayal Bond, and it talks about ‘trauma deprivation or abstinence’ – I do this. I deny myself, even when I CAN do something, accept something, receive something.




One Step,

Thank you 🙂

I LOOOOOve peanut butter.

I am going to have a “Reeses” cake: peanut butter and chocolate.


On another note. I am thinking I should read that book.
What do you think?
It has been 7 months since my “aha” moment, when I realized my wayward husband was a S/P. I am afraid of triggering.
I think maybe I need to start facing my fears head-on, for my benefit, specially in this case where the education may be freeing and healing.


BANANA: peanut butter and chocolate! awesome!

what do I think? what do YOU think? LOL

The BETRAYAL BOND is really grounding for me; there is a ‘trauma stress index’ in the 2nd chapter that i did last week, and the info i got from it, is reverbing daily.

I go at the work in the book slowly, so that I don’t overwhelm my system. Step by step. I am looking froward to doing another exercise over the next few days. The book is really giving me information about what has happened throughout my life experience that has brought me to the psychotic people- and keep me there.


oops, that should have been, ‘kept me there’.


An early Happy Birthday to you, banana! What an awesome day to have a birthday!
You know, one of the things I am learning about myself is the very thing you brought up. I struggled with this and still do. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact, at times, that there are those who really do want to do something for me. It stems from my past with my ex because everything had strings attached to it. To just GIVE FROM THE HEART was something I had come to believe others didn’t do. I quit asking for anything, but in doing so, I also took from others the chance to give when they really wanted to. When I finally asked for help from friends to get out of the mess I was in, their comment was “Finally! All we wanted to do was help, but you had to ask for it first.”
I denied myself of so much by not simply asking for what I needed. I truly believed I didn’t deserve it, that I wasn’t worthy. My mind didn’t even GO there. I had to do it all or there was nothing done. Now, I am reaching out, getting help and support, giving what I can, mainly to people here on LF and I am starting to balance this out a little bit.
I love this article about trusting yourself, Donna. What a wonderful present to all of us! I am doing this in bits and pieces and it works! It feels good too!
Happy holidays to all!

Ox Drover

Dear Banana,

Happy birthday to you Sweetie!!! And the cake sounds great!

I also recommend that you read the Betrayal Bond it is a good book. If you haven’t read Bob Hares’ Without conscience” that is another MUST read. I did a review of a book on People Pleasing too ( you can search on LF for “oxdrover” and all my articles will come up, I can’t remember the exact name) but that was a good one for me.

It is like we are afraid to “displease” someone, anyone. If we displease anyone it is out fault, even if we displease them by standing up for ourselves against their abuse. This is somehow programmed into us and I think makes us the PERFECT VICTIMS in many ways. DIS-pleasing anyone gives us anxiety and a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in which we try to justify how we try to placate them and keep them from becoming displeased.

Some of us get it from our parents demanding that we always PLEASE them, but others get it in different ways. I am also suspecting that there are some sort of GENETIC combination for this as well as the Genetics for tending toward dominance and psychopathy.

Where ever it comes from, WE have the ability to change this through hard work, knowledge and therapy (even if it is self-therapy) and we are getting “GROUP therapy” of a sort here at LF, I think that is why it is so empowering for us all. Why we come here.

Sometimes I get “burned out” on reading books about self help and psychopathy, and go for a whiel reading novels or history, and then will go back and read another book for insight into myself, sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t resonate with me. But I have never failed to get some insight here on LF almost every day. Either from an article or from a blogger’s comments.

It also buoys up my spirits when I see progress in a blogger who came here a ‘basket case” and is now making great progress and passing on that strength to the newer bloggers. That is an amazing process to watch! I enjoy each success of each of the bloggers here as if it were my own success!



Happy B-Day to you, ….I don’t know about the rest of you all but I’m going to Bananas moms house for some peanut butter and chocolate cake on Christmas…..Yummy!


A very Happy Christmas, to all my wonderful friends on LF! I have learned SO much in the 6 months since I found this great website. Ive ben able to learn about my spath daughters, and about MYSELF, what triggers me from my manipulative Mum, and my chauvinistic brothers. I was, like a lot of you, perfect “spath-bait”! {My great new word!} Today is Xmas day, and our ‘adopted” kids are coing over for Xmas lunch and stayong overnight with us. I did most of the preparation in advance, laid the Xmas table, etc. so dont have much to do today.My Grandkids and SIL and his GF are coming over NY day, so they can get their gifts then. My older D hasnt rung, my boundary still stands, I havent weakened and rung her, its hard but Im determined she wont have control over me any more. She is the loser! The ball is in her court! her pride wont allow her to apologise to me, and I WONT lower my
boundary. I have a whole new life now, I know I must embrace it with both hands! I can do no more for her, but give her to God, same with the other spath daughter.
Thanks so much again all of you, esp. dear OXY Kathy, TB , Henry,Witty, you are all AWESOME!! have a wonderful spathfree xmas, and a peaceful, healthy,prosperous and spathfree 2010!!Lots of Love and {{{HUGS!!}}} Gem.XX {Any news yet on NewLily, Oxy?}

Ox Drover

I was wondering where you were GEM! Darlling we are freezing up here in the snow, rain and ice, and are soooo jealous of your summer breezes!Wish we could all come to your house and put some nice fat prawns on the barbie!

I remember a Christmas day on Durban beach in the hot summer time and it was wonderful, except I burned!

Happy holidays dear Gem! enjoy!


My darling Oxy! Thank you,-you have a great Xmas day too!
Yesterday the temp was 38 deg. C, with 90 % humidity. The sweat was running down my face as I typed on the computer, as the office is upstairs in the hottest room in the house.
A Gf in Scotland sent me some great pics of thir house and garden with about a foot of snow on an outside round table, it looked likea wedding cake! We sure have extremes of temps on this wonderful blue planet of ours, -hope we havent stuffed it up permanently! Please throw me a nice fat snowball, and Ill use it to cool my drink! Much Love to all of you, and a spath free New Year to all!! Gem.XXX

Ox Drover

Dear Gem,

W’ve had about 8 inches of rain (about 6 officially) in my part of the world and is POUNDING DOWN outside right now, but in 1999/2000 winter WE HAD IT RAINING LIKE THIS AT 29 Degrees F aind COATING everything with ice, had no power for 2 weeks, but now I have a generator for that and gas stoves so will not freeze or eat beans out of a can again! LOL

Henry is snowed in, son D is snowed in at his bio family’s house in kansas north and west of us, probably can’t get home for another week! Oh, well…you’re right, it is a P-FREE day in the life of the “good guys”! US! Happy holidays and maybe we can meet in the middle somewhere and be comfortable! LOL


Hi Guys,
Been MIA for a few…..
Lurked in and saw that Hens had an ‘encounter’ and I was thrilled with the empowerment that came from your ACTIONS!!! Kudos to you henry……movin on dude!

We’ve got beautiful blue skies today and through the weekend, so ya’ll can come for a visit…..oh yeah….you can’t your snowbound…. 🙂

I’m off for the Christmas eve torchlight parade with the kiddos….they ski/board in it every year and it’s quite a sight…..skiers carrying torches down the mountain…..on a good year the torches span from top to bottom….
Bonfire and Santa at the bottom with lot’s of hot chocolate and caroling.
We have a ‘quick’ Spanish shrimp dinner on Christmas eve because we drive around after the parade and look at the Christmas lights.
Mama’s running a bit behind this year… I’ll be wrapping gifts tonight after they all go to sleep… and Santa!

I had a nice lunch date yesterday with a NORMAL guy…..not hot, not a braggard, not attention seeking…..and I’ll tell ya…’s throwing me for a loop…….NOT what I was used to. He wants to go out again…..
He has persued me and he’s got no drama going on…..(certainly at first sight)….
Opens doors, was totally respectful and OMG….can EB handle a dull and boring NORMAL GUY……I suspect so!

Stay warm….and gem…keep that AC on!

I WISH YOU ALL A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and may we all have dreams come true in this NEW YEAR!!!!!
Thanks for being around!

Ox Drover

Dear Erin,

Gosh how NORMAL OF YOU! Sound totally NON-dramatic and so fun! LOL

I can picture it all, wish we were there with you!

Actually we are having a “white” christmas (rare here) and my GF from Dallas sent me a photo of their white christmas (well semi white anyway, not enough to completely cover the ground LOL)

Snow and Ice hasn’t started falling here yet, but just one county over according to the radar, but Henry’s area got blasted with they said 60 MPH winds and blinding snow!

Floods here too, santa will need a ROW BOAT! We just topped out by 5 inches (so far) of rain the wettest year since 1882 they said! It is so quiet here though, not even the sound wafting across the hills of the gas drilling rigs, though I did hear some high pitched beeping (those back up beepers on some big equipment) earlier today just faintly across the hills.

Thanks for sharing your Christmas plans with us, and about your DATE TOO! Sounds really NORMAL and BORING! And WONDERFUL! If you decide you don’t want him remember you have lots of sinigle friends here at LF if he isn’t a P!

Right now I think BORING is wonderful! LOL (((hugs)))) and Merry Crhistmas!


I am with myself tonight, and it feels fine.

the weather turned mild today – the girl who lives with her windows open is very happy about this.

i am writing about and to the spath (not to be sent) I miss him. and i am crying that she created him and then she took him away. quite cruel. the missing and the cruel move through my body with sobs.

I have been having lots of memories the last few days. I am so glad for four days off. I have, finally some time to process this stuff and to deal with some other things – without the pressure of trying to work.

remembering the times when she would act odd – the things that she acted odd about. and i am drawing little lines from one to the other. just the very start of this.

the sock puppets around ‘him’ were the ones who started to be nasty. how come she could do the main character so well, and the others not so well? – she couldn’t hold it together when she was doing mean – the stories didn’t hold togehter. but, yes, also it is that i loved him that HE was beautiful.

I don’t know what she is up to. not going. not asking. writing is good.

what a stupid wild ride.

an old friend – from many years ago, called tonight – the person who has lived with and taken care of his folks forever- and asked me if i could pay for my prescriptions. he actually asked that, directly. i will have my prescriptions for next month. I am blessed.

and all day, the line is going through my head: if their lips are moving they are lying.


Hey EB, I was wondering where you were. Your Christmas celebration sounds like one of the most wonderful I have heard of. Have fun!!!!!

All the best
one step


NORMAL is something I need to connect with!

Btw….WTF is NORMAL anyways????


Erin Brock,
How are you…? Sounds like you had a fun day today.
Normal is whatever you define it as…Lol.


I’ve been running around with a ‘boy’! (he’s 6 years younger) Hehe!

I’ve also been processing things more and I had a heart to heart with a GF and giving her words some thought. I have so much respect for when people are upfront and honest, even if they are ‘taking’ a risk (they think) by stating their opinion…..

I have ALSO been up to NO GOOD!!!! another hehe! 🙂
About a month ago, I sent the S a letter of ‘ABANDONED PROPERTY” notice of disposal. The intent was to give him 14 days to respond with notification of a date of intent to retrieve his belongings, or he would lose all rights to any property he was awarded in the divorce/stated in decree…… Golf clubs, jet ski cookbooks…..
So I notified him, gave him a cutoff date of Dec 15 to respond and guess what……no response……
So yesterday, when I was in town, I transfered title to jet ski over in my name…..IT WAS ANOTHER BIG MOMENT!!!!
I don’t have to store your shit?????
He fought me on those items, after he lost both houses, any custody, ‘toys’, and cars…..thats all it came down to in court for divorce.
Once I conceeded…….that was all he wanted! Concession.
He’s not interested in picking anything up…..Shit our divorce was granted over 7 months ago!!! Anyone but a socioapath would be right over to collect the stuff….huh!?

So this is my kids Christmas gift! The jet ski…..courtesy of their father!
I always did buy all the gifts he put his name on……so why should it stop now! HA!

Anyways…had a nice night at the parade and picked up ice cream on the way home………and hopefully I will get my nightowls to bed early…..i’m tired and got ‘work’ to do with Santa!

Merry Christmas.


You have been on my mind!!! What’s up girl….?????
I saw your dog has taken over the couch! It made me smile…..I toyed with getting a dog for the kids for x-mas….maybe in a few more weeks….
I’m glad he’s doing well…..and the couch is an easy give up! think of the companionship ya got!

How does a dog look on a jet ski??? 🙂

Merry Christmas girl…..Keep that head up huh!


Yay to boys!!!!

(Hey, i thought I HAD ONE, but it was really a lying sack of shit 57 year old female spath. I was soooo sad when I realized he hadn’t ‘turned’ me 😉 )

and dogs look awesome on jetskis – especially as hood ornaments in their little life jackets.

i remember your, ‘anyone want any cookbooks’ post 🙂 🙂 🙂

have a good night doing your elfish duties, and a great day with your kids.

Merry Christmas,
one step


Cookbooks are still up for grabs. They make great gifts….
Or- hood ornaments or- tire chalks or- snow scrapers or————— fire wood……
Yeah, that’s it…..a merry merry christmas morning firestarter!!!

(i’m bad).


no, you’re GOOD!
you make me laugh A LOT.


Cookbooks can also be used as weapons too huh?

Keep on laughing girl… really is the best medicine…..AND GREAT FOR BRAIN INJURIES!!!!!


I’ve been reading most of everyones posts trying to keep up and see that everyone is growing and that is just wonderful. I see that everyone is having a peaceful time! and boring!!! That really is a wonderful thing, I must say.

I had to turn over a bill to the P that is his but showed up here today…He wants to get together for sex. He said he was coming home sometime…he has some things to take care of first but then he is coming home. Stupidly, I bit, and said “really, well what if I have or do move on and get someone else?” He said, “well, I guess then that’s the chance I take.” I did tell him that he was not coming back. He still loves me, always has and always will. (his words, not mine). This has brought back so many bad memories, and so much pain.

I just walked away without responding to the sex or anything else, but it did make me cry, right in front of him which really upsets me to no end. I feel so low, so humiliated. I did not want to give him any emotion, but here I did and it’s just so stupid…that’s it, I feel stupid or pathetic, yeah, pathetic.

Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t ruined Christmas for me, I still remember what it’s all about and still look forward to morning with my children. We have had a very good evening and will have a great day tomorrow, but I do feel so sick in my gut.

Everyone got to open a present tonight and that was a thrill to watch them laugh and smile and talk and play.

I had bad words with my oldest’s dad a few days ago…he tried to put off his adult responsibilities on my son. Wanted me to say how wrong my son was and great that he is..don’t think so. He is the adult and he was wrong in blaming the boy and then he went so far as to hang up on my son when he ask him if he was coming to get him or not. But whatever…my son says he is never going to talk to him on the phone again, because this is not the first time that he has hung up on him.

I sure have known how to pick them in the past. But you know, I was ignoring that inner voice that I had once learned to trust and I sure hope that I can depend on myself to pay attention in the future and TRUST MYSELF!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Merry Christmas!



This morning as I get ready to go to my sister’s for Christmas Dinner, pottering around I am now talking out loud to myself about the P (now I understand the wino’s and alcoholic homeless talking out loud to their ghosts) but I was saying out loud as I ran the shower ” I knew it” “I Knew it!!!”ha ha my thoughts constantly unravel, throw up new scenes from the past where is was plain as day something was off….people lie about loving me? what a bummer. Hard to come back from. How far back does it go ( I see clearly now and he wasnt the only one who lied about loving me)

Thing is I’m turning into cat woman, talking to myself, having full scale conversations…yes …with myself about the P…how can I transition into a dinner guest surrounded by a family who set me up in the first place?

Trust myself. That’s how. But I feel the need for the action that follows trusting mysellf…like standing up for myself even when outnumbered.

Happy Christmes to All at Lovefraud. Thank you for being there. There was nothing, no-body but a small thread leading me to here where all my fears were calmed and soothed. Where I could be myself shame and all
2010 has to be about Trust and right action or I will turn into another troubled soul shouting at her ghosts.


Dear Banana, happy birthday to you, and merry Christmas to all the LF-gang!

Trusting ourselves is really key, and hopefully we all will get there. It is very reassuring and helpful to come to this site for validation in times of doubt, and I would like to express my deepest gratitude and thankfulness to all of you!

Dear Stayingsane. Yes it is wonderful feeling the power of finding out what we really want and speaking for ourselves, isn’t it? I found out this year that observing and not acting on it right away but waiting for the reactions of the other and grasping the right moment to strike is more rewarding as I stay in power and do not let the other “read” me too easily. (read: acting on the good parts I have learned from the SNP in hindsight). I wish you a wonderful Christmas dinner!


Merry Christmas everyone! As I look back on the last few months I am astounded at the progress I have made by reading, learning and processing. I have made this progress because a hundred friends I have never met have held my hand each step of the way – have encouraged, affirmed my pain and given hope for the future – that has been such a gift and blessing. I know there will be rocky days ahead and tough days of hopelessness and tears, but those days are becoming less and less.

This was the first Christmas in a long time away from the P and although I dreaded it, it was actually pretty good. Santa was damned good to me this year so I guess I must be doing some things right finally! I actually bought myself a Christmas gift this year – Stalking the SOul – a book about emotional abuse and how it can destroy us. I have been reading snippets online for ages and dying to read the whole thing. So I decided to treat myself – it still hasnt arrived but will make a nice Chrissie present when it does.

Spirit40 – thanks for naming me specifically – that gave me such a sense of belonging!

Erin – I laughed about the jetski – have been reading about his left over property for ages so glad to see you followed through and in such a lovely way! Bet the kids are delighted by his ‘generosity’!

StayingSane – I thought the same as you – family members through their behaviour set me up for this fall with the P. But now I see they were also set up for the falls in their own lives – family dysfunction continues generation to generation. It stops with me though. If I have kids, I will just LOVE them and guide them to be their best selves – not what I failed to be myself.

Heavenbound the gift ritual sounds lovely – we used to do something similar in my family.

Oxy – hope you have festivised your skillet with some tinsel and bells for some CHristmas a** whipping!

Thankyou to my wonderful friends on LF – I appreciate your honesty, sharing, caring, compassion, humour, wit, practical help and LOVE. I don’t know how I would have coped without practically living at this site – I read most days from the archives and watch hopefully for new posts – maybe in the New Year we could have a post ‘Signs you’re addicted to LF’ lol Much love to you all – hope all your Christmas wishes come true and you have a healthy, joyous and SPN free festive season – you deserve it!


to all my brave, strong and incredibly caring brothers and sisters here on LF.
a S/P/N-FREE holiday season!
thank you for all your inspiration, help, hope and love.
peace to us all …


Merry Christmas all!!! on LF…. Polly you have helped me while here as so many others names of all I can recall, Oxy, Cat, EB , Matt, Henry, justabout,Rosa, gem, heaven, all and everyone.. Donna, Kathy… and all the authors and experts..I am truly blessed…to have a support of people who have been there… done that and dont want to wear the t-shirt…Oh and my son had so much fun with the two gifts I let him open last night… his x mas is and will be bright because he knows its not the amount , cost just the fact that I took the time to pick out items I knew he would enjoy with the little we have, each other.. a peaceful morning… and maybe some tennis later….


Merry Good Morning to All – Yesterday and last nite was a record blizzard here in oklahoma. I woke up to sunshine, 14 inches of snow and 6 foot drifts. I am snowed in or under and cant get out, prolly for days. So xmas day is quite and beautiful here with my three weiners. I have bird feeders out every window. I can not describe the variety and number of birds, absolutly glorious. They land on my head and shoulders and fingers when I go out to re-fill the feeders.
Another xmas – P free…but I m fighting cabin fever. So I will continue to work on wallpapering my bathroom today. I hope my son will come get me later tonite in his 4 wheel drive – if he can make it and I will go to his house to spend xmas evening with him and his family. Merry Christmas – Happy Every Thing to all who come here…


Henry, I’m jealous of your relationship with the wild birds!!!! That is AMAZING!


Wooo HOooo!!
And a merry Christmas to Erin and her boys!!

Ox Drover

Yea, Henry, that “dream of a white christmas is a NIGHTMARE, huh?” We only got a few inches here but the blizard winds are awful, I had to go outside with son C to take care of the stock and it was terrible the few minutes I was out. Fat and Hairy are hunkered behind their wind break and we gave them some corn to heat them up a bit from inside.

Glad your little birdies are coming to eat! I know they appreciate your boundy in the snow which covers all their food.

Glad you still have power! My friend from Dallas called and said it snowed so hard and blew 60 MPH down there that all their holiday get togethers were canceled. Reminds me of 1983 when it was a blizard all across the country and I drove home from San Diego to Arkansas after christmas in an ice storm half the way and 60+ MPH winds where there was no ice.

My egg donor knows how much I hate that kind of driving and she asked my kids after we arrived, “How did you make it?” and they said “we were in the back a praying and mom was in the front a cussin!”

Had a similar trip in 1976 or so, ice and 10-12 inches of snow on most of I-40 all the way from L. A. after you crossed to the east of the mountains and 10 degree weather.

Nice just to snuggle up inside and not worry about traveling in this kind of weather, but lots of folks flooded out, stranded in airports and even stranged on the road. They interviewed a kid whose car went off the road in a flood on I-30 a couple of days ago and he is stranged and ‘broke.” Also families driving to Texas got caught here in Arkansas and couldn’t continue. Hundreds of them, plus the folks with water in their houses for christmas, not a nice present from “Mother Nature” at all, so I think we are fortunate Henry and the rest of the LF crew here! P-FREE and safely at home!


Spirit40 and all….I think any help we give others here also helps ourselves. And thank you to everyone for your kindness to me and all the help!


Happy Holidays to Everyone!!!! Many thanks to all, for your willingness to share so deeply. I am grateful for all of you here, all of you who come and go, and for those who no longer post.

This is the second year of awakening, and I feel peaceful, safe, and content!!!!! YIPEE. These feelings are SO connected to the trust I have developed, in me. Before I felt frightened of ‘my own shadow’. Because I couldn’t trust myself to listen and heed my own senses/wisdom.

Lovefraud (this community!) has been one of the most influential, healing, contructive places I have had to good fortune to discover.

Love to you ALL….Slim


Thank you, I sure hope for the good memories for me and my boys, as well as everyone here!

I hope you are having a wonderful peaceful time!

Thank you for your acknowledgement, it means a lot to me. It is very nice to be spoke to. You said it best…”a sense of belonging.”

Thank you! I didn’t know that I had helped anyone. I sure hope that I have.

I know I could sure use the help and friendship, so I hope that I somehow have offered the same to you and others.

All of LF
I hope EVERYONE is having a peaceful, fulfilling holiday season!!


Hi everyone…
Im having a rough day today as it is my ex’s birthday. I made it through the holidays with medium difficulty, however, his birthday being today is upsetting to me.

I try and remember all the crap that happened, and after the holidays are REALLy over, I will be better able to put it back in perspective again.

I feel like that song by Keith Urban…”tonight, i wanna cry”…

Any posts replies would be greatly appreciated 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear R-babe,

The ups and downs are “normal” feelings in the early stages (and sometimes the late stages) of the healing process.

I’m not sure why HIS birthday would trigger you, but obviously it does some how.

Distracting yourself by doing something for YOU is usually a good plan, go to a movie, call a friend, take a long hot nice bath, go to the gym, take a walk, whatever rings your chimes and makes YOU feel good.

I used to feel bad sometimes when my egg donor’s birthday would go by and of course I did not send her a card, but you know, after this time has passed, this year I didn’t even remember the day was her birthday til a couple of days later. I’m not all that great on “dates” anyway but didn’t even think about it this year and that’s a good thing.

Sitting home mopeing when we are down is probably the worst thing to do, so I try to find something productive to do or do something for me. Have a better day! (((hugs)))


Maybe if you have a good cry it will be cleansing and then you can call a friend and make some dinner plans or go to a movie or somthing like Oxy said.

Sometimes we just need a good cry and then we can do something productive afterwards so we don’t get “stuck” there….

Do keep the perspective that what you ARE missing was never real. I think that part of it is important. To not get caught up in the “if onlys”.

Hope that you will feel better real soon 🙂


Rbabe, I can imagine even by next year (and past years) that your friend’s birthday might trigger you – the people we love and anything associated with them takes on special significance. So I’d say cry, get it out but try like Oxy said to channel those feelings elsewhere. I’ve been away for a few days, came back tonight to read and wanted to wish everyone very happy holidays, glad to see that Erin is back and sounds happy. I’m still in the mix, the next two days will see how my own money issues with my friend plays out – I have no expectations, only my own deadline to be true to myself if he is not. But tonight is not for running my situation into the ground – I see and have received so much help and love here – Rbabe, you were kind to me in your remarks one day and I’m sorry you’ve been sad – hope tomorrow is a new and better day for you.

Thanks to everyone, will be back near the New Year – wishing all a wonderful, happy one.

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