This article continues our discussion of anger as a stage of healing after a trauma or an extended trauma, such a relationship with a sociopath.
I have a friend who has been angry for all the years I have known her. She talks about being insulted or scapegoated at work, despite taking responsibilities well beyond her job title for the welfare of the company. She has been instrumental in eliminating several people who managed her. More people were hired and she is still talking about how she is mistreated.
I have another friend who calls me to talk about how his boss doesn’t appreciate him. He details how he has been swindled out of bonuses, how there is never a word of praise, despite the fact that his personal efforts have been responsible for major changes in the company.
Both of these two have been working for these companies for years and refuse to leave their jobs. Instead, they “practice” their resentments, gathering stories to defend their feelings, performing their jobs in ways that prove them not only blameless but deserving of praise, and sharing their grievances with anyone who will listen.
To prepare for this article, I had a conversation with one of them, who reminded me of when I was in a similar situation. Working for a CEO who refused to give me a title or credit for marketing work that put his company “on the map.” Since I left there, two other people have taken credit for my work in their resumes and public statements. Just talking about it with my friend brought up all the old stories related to the resentment and injury I felt at the time.
Embedded anger
Although these were professional situations, the feelings that my friends and I experienced were not different from the ones I experienced in my relationship with a man I believe to be a sociopath. Beyond all the usual feelings about lack of appreciation, acknowledgment or validation, these feelings had another characteristic. That is, we lived with them for a long time.
My two friends are still living with these feelings, and when I talk to them now, at least once in the conversation I suggest, “You’re an angry person.” Though I’ve said this to them before, they usually pause as though it were the first time they ever heard it. Then they either ignore it (because they don’t think of themselves as angry, only aggrieved), or briefly defend themselves against the comment, saying they have reason to be, before they start telling their stories again.
The fact is that they do have reason to be, as I did, but their anger is a lot older than their work situations. They were practicing it before they took these jobs. They were accustomed to dealing with people who triggered their anger, and they were accustomed to living in circumstances that made them feel hurt and resentful. They “handled it” by trying to do a better job, or getting into power struggles about what is due them, or by telling their stories to sympathetic friends.
What they were not accustomed to doing was deciding that their internal discomfort had reached a level where they needed to make a change. At least not before things got really, really bad. When they got sick. Or started blowing up over small things. Or got so stressed they began making mistakes. Or got in trouble with drugs or food or shopping to make themselves feel better.
It’s not just that they were habituated to abuse. They were habituated to living with old anger. They lived as a matter of course with resentments that would have made healthier people run for the hills from the situation that was causing their distress, or to reframe the situation as a temporary necessity while they searched actively for alternatives.
Paradoxical responses to abuse
A therapist once explained to me a “paradoxical response” observed in some victims of abuse. Rather than responding appropriately — either defending themselves or fleeing — they engaged in “caring” behavior. They became concerned about the wellbeing of the perpetrator, and began providing service to cheer them up or relieve their stresses. As all of us on this LoveFraud know, this response is based on our desire — no, our need — to believe that our abuser is really a good soul or that s/he really loves us or both.
Many of us are paradoxical responders. And what happens to those feelings of anger that we are not experiencing or acting on?
Until these relationships, for many of us, the question didn’t matter. Many of us also are high performers, the “success stories” coming out of backgrounds that might have turned other people into addicts or underachievers or emotional cripples. Instead, we develop a kind of genius at survival through giving. We believe in salvation through love, and we create our own success through helping professions of various sorts.
We do the same in our personal relationships, seeking emotional security by giving generously. We deal with the paradoxes of depending on people who are needy as we are, burying our resentments at their failures to understand how much we have invested or how well we are making up for their weaknesses or how, in arguments or in careless statements, they characterize us by our weaknesses.
When we do get angry, we express our grief at not being understood or appreciated, our disappointment that we are not getting what we hoped from our investments, our frustrations that the other person doesn’t perform the simple requirements of our happiness — a little more attention, affection or thanks. It doesn’t occur to us to rebel against the structure of these relationships, to say we are sick and tired of tiptoeing around their egos and their needs, because we feel we have no right to say these things. We are asking the same thing of them.
When we finally do walk away — from the job or the relationship — we have feelings we do not feel comfortable expressing. We discuss our past in understanding terms. We understand the other people. We understand ourselves. But deep inside ourselves, the thing we do not talk about is contempt. That emotion that is so close to shame. We feel contempt for their shortcomings. And because we too were in the room with them, we feel contempt for ourselves. And this is difficult to contemplate, much less talk about it. But like a song we can’t get out of our minds, this feeling is like a squatter we have trouble shooing away.
Emotional contagion
I know why these friends are attracted to me. I am a good listener. They also think I may have answers to their situations. But the more interesting question is: Why am I attracted to them? Why are so many of my friends people who see themselves as aggrieved, but who I see as people whose lives are shaped by a deep level of buried anger they don’t even recognize?
My conversations with them tend to bring up old memories of my own. In fact, these friends like to refer to my stories. Times when I felt badly repaid for good efforts. My girlfriend, in particular, who knew me through the years of my relationship with the sociopath and employment with that CEO, likes to bring up these stories and sympathize with me or offer advice. It’s what she wants from me, and assumes it is what I want from her.
But it’s not what I want. I get off these calls feeling my anger. Seeing it all again. And I do what I do with anger. I dive into it, searching for knowledge. I value the anger, because I have the habit of forgetting it, forgiving too soon before I really am finished with learning what it has to tell me. I’ve done the exercise so often now that I know what I’m going to find. First, I am angry because of what I lost — the investments, the time, the benefits I expected to get back. Then, I am angry with myself for not standing up for myself or exiting these situations when they became predictably abusive. Then I am angry at something I can’t name — My rules? My sense of the world? What is wrong with me?
Finally, I am visiting a place that I need to return to, again and again. It’s where I keep my oldest stories, ones I would probably not remember at all, except that my anger leads me to them. I see these memories like home movies played on an old projector on a raggedy old screen. I watch a bit of myself as a child, dealing with some situation that changed my understanding of the world. In the background, there is a calm voice saying, “Do you remember what you learned here? Here is the new rule you made for your survival. And here is how the rule affected your life.” And suddenly I am flying through the years, seeing how that rule played out, linking cause to effect, cause to effect, over and over. Until I am finally back in my here-and-now self again, aware that another “why?” question has been answered, another connection made that makes sense of my life, another realization that I can undo that rule now. I’m not a child anymore.
Difficulties with anger
Many, if not all people who get involved with sociopaths have difficulties with anger. We don’t welcome the message from our deeper selves. We don’t recognize it as something that requires immediate attention and responsive action. We don’t communicate it clearly with the outside world. We frequently don’t even consider ourselves angry until so much emotional response has built up that it’s eating us alive. We don’t recognize irritation, frustration, resentment, confusion, hyper-alertness and anxiety as feelings on the anger spectrum — messages that something isn’t right.
This generalization may be too broad, especially for those of us have dealt with people who we think were completely plausible until the end of a long con. But most of us faced many circumstances in these relationships when our emotional systems alerted us that something wasn’t right. And instead of taking it seriously and acting on it, we rationalized it, using our intellects to talk ourselves out of our responses.
How would we have acted if we had taken our anger seriously? We would have expressed our discomfort. We would have demanded or negotiated a change in the situation. We would have said “I don’t agree” or “this doesn’t work for me.” We would have walked away. We would have made a plan to change our circumstances. We would have made judgments that something wasn’t good for us, and acted on those judgments. We would have taken care of ourselves — which is what anger is all about, taking actions to deal with a threat to our wellbeing.
Why we have difficulties with anger is something related to our own personal stories. It is a good idea to search our history for the day when we decided that it wasn’t safe to express or even feel anger, so we can undo that rule. We all had our reasons, good reasons at the time. Even today, there may be occasions when we choose not to express our anger, or to defer thinking about it until later. But eventually, if we’re going to get really well, we have to recover our ability to connect with our own feelings.
Mastering anger
For those of us who have difficulty with anger, there are several gifts we get from the sociopath. One is a reason to get mad that is so clear and irrefutable that we finally have to give in to our emotional system, stop rationalizing and experience uncomplicated anger about what happened to us. The other thing they give us is a role model of how to do it. Though sociopaths have their own issues with historical anger, on a moment-by-moment basis they are very good at linking their anger to the cause, recognizing and responding directly to threats to their wellbeing or their plans.
Beyond that, in the course of these relationships, a kind of emotional contagion affects us. By the time we emerge, we feel ripped off and distrusting. We are at the edge of becoming more self-sufficient than we have ever been in our lives. To get there, we have to move through several phases while we overcome our obstacles to learning. One of those hurdles is overcoming our fear of our own anger.
People who have been suppressing anger for most of their lives have reason to fear it. Once we finally get angry about something, once we recognize the validity of own emotional reactions, there is a history of moments when we should have gotten angry that are ready to move to the surface of our consciousness. We are afraid that we will be overwhelmed or that, in our outrage, we will destroy everything within our reach.
Here is the truth. We will stop feeling angry when we acknowledge our right to feel angry in each and every one of these memories. That self-acknowledgement is what our emotional system wants. The message is delivered, and we naturally move on to what to do about it. If the circumstance is long gone, the simple recognition that we had a right these feelings is often enough to clear them.
The other truth is that we will not remember everything at one time. Once we allow ourselves to have these feelings, there will be an initial rush, but then the memories will emerge more gradually as we become clearer about our need for respectful treatment or about our grief at something important we lost.
Beyond recognizing that we were entitled to have our feelings, another thing we can do to clear them is have conversations with the causes of these feelings. We may want to speak to people, alive or dead, face to face or only in our journals or our thoughts, to say that we do not condone what happened to us. That we have feelings about it, and we want those feelings recognized.
We may think we’re looking for apologies, but the real benefit of these conversations is that we are validating ourselves and our own realities. We are getting real with ourselves. Eventually some of these conversations often turn out to be with God. Don’t worry about it. God can handle our feelings. Even the Buddhists encourage experiencing this human incarnation fully through all your senses and feelings.
The goal here is to clean house emotionally, so that you can experience anger in the here and now that is not tainted with old anger. So that you can plan and live your life in ways that are not unconsciously shaped by anger, fear and grief. Mastery of anger begins with the ability to link anger to cause, instead of expressing deferred anger in situations that really have nothing to do with it. Perfect anger is like the tit-for-tat strategy. It’s an appropriate and measured response that is equivalent to the threat or the trigger.
Beyond that, anger clearly felt in all its subtleties and permutations opens a new world to us. We find a new range of speaking voices — snappish, impatient, cold and unsympathetic. (Sound like anyone you know?) All things we need to deal with certain situations. We find new facial expression and body language. In allowing ourselves to become judgmental about what is good for us, we become more grounded about who we are and what we need.
Most important is that anger opens our ability to become powerful in our own lives. Without the ability to respond to threats and obstacles, we have no ability to envision and plan our lives. Anger is not only the voice of what we don’t want, it’s is also the voice of what we do want. What we want badly enough to work for, to fight for, to build in our lives.
Later we will talk about eliminating the residue of anger, learning how to forgive. But for now, our work is to link cause to effect, to honor our feelings, and to become real with ourselves and our world.
Namaste. The calm and certain warrior in me salutes the calm and certain warrior in you.
Kathy
“borrowed power”
“These people are insecure and need reassurance to feel like they belong.”
Being an obsessive analyst and a ’global thinker’, I did a spreadsheet study of everybody I’d worked with. Without background information about their childhoods I had to use MBTI and other personal means of ’typing’ them into categories which were useful to me. The goal was to gain some measure of predictability in future encounters. Almost all of an S’s henchmen appeared ISTP or ESFP-with BPD tendencies.
I define “henchmen” as those who believe they are allied with the S (when they are actually being used as ‘dirtywork scapegoats’) and seem to be weak(er) without their S.
SOS, BPD tendencies might make them vulnerable. But BPDs are usually one-man dogs. They find their icon and they put a lot of energy into securing it. Otherwise, they tend to be the trouble-makers. In my experience, they are not good at alliances, except with people who will further their agendas. The one time I saw a BPD in a group situation with an S, the BPD spotted the S faster than the S spotted the BPD. It didn’t save BPD; they’re not hardball power-players, just machinators, but was really interesting how fast the BPD grokked that the S was a dangerous user.
If I had to analyze your situation at work from this distance, I would say that you lost that one because, although you knew what you wanted, it was dependent on recognition for performance. In other words, what you wanted was dependent on other people’s actions. So you were in the “work harder” situation.
The S, in contrast, was using direct influence. From his mouth to the boss’s ear. It gave him the advantage of being able to read the boss on the spot, and adjust his strategy. He essentially was doing a sales job non-stop. Building rapport, eliminating obstacles, closing deals (in terms of getting the boss’s agreement to his ideas).
If I look at that list of things you wanted, it seems to me that your better approach would have been to just ask for it. Based on the response you got, you could have made a decision there and then about whether you were going to get your needs met.
I’ve been in that exact situation. Trying to preserve myself against someone who had the boss’s ear. I was a high-performer, literally turned the company’s bottomline around, built corporate equity, cost them little compared to what they were getting out of it. And this S, who wanted my job, was constantly seducing the boss with flattery and using the influence to undermine me.
Fortunately I had access to the boss too. I wanted my job and I wanted an S-free work environment. I couldn’t get her fired, but I volunteered for a “job description” project that was driving my boss crazy. And I created a new department just for her, with a new position with a nice salary and a nicer bonus package (which she never got because her performance was so poor). It served a function that he had been concerned about, and he was so pleased that he gave her the new job.
It was great. She was out of my hair because she had an important job in another department.
Eventually she got me. She never lost his ear, and she never forgave me for finessing her. But I got a number of years to do some great work, and when things got sticky a second time, I just left. Not because of her, as much as because of never being able to trust my boss.
And for me, that was the lesson of this story. It wasn’t about her. There are always useless people in organizations whose sole objective is to gain power. It was about my boss. I don’t work for people who aren’t loyal to me. If they expect my loyalty and performance, I expect it in return. A paycheck isn’t enough. My boss was weak and susceptible. I took care of the problem once, by marginalizing her. But if he insisted on fostering this kind of drama, I didn’t want to be there.
It came down to what I wanted in my life. For a while, I wanted the opportunity the do the good work that I can do. Then I wanted a better place to work.
Blown away as usual by how useful your writing is…thank you.
I’m only partially through the responses here and am getting a lot from reading these as well. It is so interesting to see where everyone is in their journey through recovering from these experiences with their S/P.
I just read what Rune said about how our own inability to express anger may have saved us and I can say that is probably true of my experience. Once I realized that I SHOULD be angry I knew I had to get free because there would be no safe way to stand up to my EX – he just wouldn’t tolerate insubordination. Any time I did try to defend myself or push back in any way, the punishment became that much greater…at times I felt like I was looking into Satan’s eyes, knowing that I couldn’t win. My memories are still very clear of hearing news reports of plane or auto crashes and being shocked when I realized I was pleading quietly to hear that my Ex was involved and wouldn’t be coming home to abuse me again. That makes me angry that I was made to feel that much fear that I wished someone dead…so against how I’m made (thanks for the comment ‘homicidal thoughts are ok as long as you don’t act on them!).
But Rune’s words were helpful for me in reminding that I wasn’t dealing with someone I could safely get angry with – I was forced to turn the emotions/contempt/frustration/anger on myself in order to make it through each situation. Then I felt so despicable that I felt the only way to escape the pain, so desperate that I couldn’t see a way out or a way to improve my standing in the world that I thought I should die. It is so scary to think someone could do this just with psychological abuse – and I am a big bold living example of why what you write here is so important. We need our anger to get front and center to make us realize how ‘off’ our thinking can get when being manipulated by someone like this. I can promise it will never happen to me again.
I am glad I have a place to write these things – I don’t want to ever forget that this was my reality or pretend that it wasn’t really this bad. I may have to circle back and forgive myself all over again for ‘allowing’ these things to happen to me – some idiots out there like to point out that only I ALLOWED this to happen and I’m somehow at fault, shouldn’t be indulged in pointing fingers at the S/P, but they ARE idiots because they shouldn’t say things like that when they haven’t experienced it. Yes, I’ve learned a lot and won’t let it happen again, but it was never my fault that someone else chose to abuse me.
I’m like a good handful of others here who read the article and say ‘wow, you’re talking about me!’ – relate so thoroughly to everything in this article.
I’m also very happy to report that I’m feeling better and better each week, getting more resolved – practicing channeling my anger in healthy ways, letting people go who don’t deserve my attention and kindness (like those who get off on telling me that I allowed the abuse) – stronger and better acquainted with who I am, what I want and deserve. Feels good! And I’m hopeful for those of you who are further behind in your recovery. It’s amazing when it starts to roll through you that you are done…that you are getting better and not a victim any longer.
What this means for my health: I’m becoming less dependent on sleeping meds, better able to cope with frustration and fatigue, less worried about running out of my anti-depressants (can tell the day is coming that I will do fine off of them), less afraid of ‘consequences’ (those imposed by my Ex) which is making me forget that I used to need anxiety meds on a daily basis. The list is much longer but you get the idea…
So if you are reading this and are new here, know that this has been a good use of my time – and I don’t have much time to spend online – but the benefits have been real and lasting. Keep coming back.
So I’m thanking all of you who write here because it is the collective effect of these little pieces of sanity and logic you interject that are getting me closer and closer to where I need to be.
I’m sure I’ll be back with more – need to get back to reading above…such a gold mine of insight.
And the paragraph in the article about linking anger with the cause – not allowing deferred anger to taint current situations – is something I’m practicing on a regular basis. It’s funny how I will watch myself, give pause before responding to something offensive, to make sure I’m ready to respond appropriately – learning how to trust my instincts and reactions. And I do trust myself now…which is allowing me as you put it beautifully, Kathy, to be that ‘calm and certain warrior’ that I know is in me. I see it in the mirror now and that is exciting.
Deb, thank you for that wonder post. I used to write letters to my understanding Buddhist friend called “notes from the front.” That’s what that letter felt like.
That might be another amazing book. Letters that survivors write to other survivors.
That’s a chilling term, “wouldn’t tolerate insubordination.” I don’t know what you were facing, although I get a hint of it by your hope that he wouldn’t come home again. I am so glad you got out of there.
And my heart is lit up by what you have to say for yourself now. Especially letting people go who don’t deserve your attention. This was a turning point for me. I had so many “sentimental” relationships — friends and ex-lovers and former business associates who were not contributing anything to my life anymore, but continued to show up for advice or money. There came a time when I just started zoning out on these conversations, and I realized I didn’t want to be in them anymore.
Someone wrote on the thread earlier that they’ve started asking people to get to the point. Me too. I pick up the phone and almost the first thing I say is “What can I do for you?” or “Did you call for a reason?” I say it in a friendly way, but get down to the business of the call quickly. And then I can make a decision about it.
Deb, you mentioned circling back around to forgive yourself for something else. I do it all the time. For years, I felt like I was wincing constantly with memories that made me feel awful about myself. So I developed a process. I look at what else was going on at the time. Did it makes sense given the circumstances and who I was then. And then I let myself off the hook. Just because I’m better now isn’t reason to despise who I used to be. I was doing the best I could.
I love that you see your changes in the mirror. I so relate to it. Do you remember when you looked like hell warmed over? I took a few pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror after he left. I thought at the time, they would be evidence of something if I died, because I thought I was going to. Now I look at them and I can’t believe that I’m five years older, at the same weight, and I look like someone else. My color’s rosier. My cheeks have plumped up again. My eyes look awake again. I feel proud of myself. But also lucky, very lucky. It could have gone another way.
And that’s what I hear in your post. It could have gone another way, and here you are. Not just a survivor, but growing and blooming. It’s amazing what we can do when we decide to live.
Namaste, calm and certain warrior.
Kathy
What do you do when you feel completely lost and alone? I’m glad I found this blog, and it’s great to come here and post and read. But at the end of the day when I close my laptop, my reality is that I’m here by myself and the person who I thought was my best friend, the only happiness I’ve ever had (even if it was really just an illusion) is gone. I feel completely hollow inside. I dread the mornings. It means I have to once again drag myself out of bed and somehow muddle through another 24 hours. I’m tired of it, and I just feel like what’s the point anymore. I apologize if my words are too depressing for some. I just didn’t know where else to express what I feel.
Dear Kindred,
If I could tell you how many of us have either felt or had the courage to express almost verbatum what you just shared – you would feel like one of hundreds. You are not alone. I promise you that.
When you are feeling depressed you can ALWAYS ALWAYS choose to come post about it at LF – there is never and judging here at LF- it is a healing place! Another thing I always mention – because I had to do it for myself – is to keep your level of depression in check – but honest and real with yourself about where you think you are with that. If its ever more than you can handle — we talk about additional avenues for healing along with this one — be it therapy, medication or exercise or motivation. Also, we all cant say enough for you to read some of the archived articles and or posts here… its a huge uplifting and enlightening experience.
I have been exactly where you are – and in truth there were no words anybody could say to me to get me to a better place – I had to reach within and have many conversations with myself at night about what happened and face the truth and relive the reality…. for me it was after the intial mindblowing beginning phase of the relationship…i pretty much often felt alone — (probably even more alone than when Im actually all alone – because it was painful to realize /I was with someone and felt so alone….I also realized the happiness I initially experienced was real, but it was fleeting and it eventually turned out to be as you said just an illusion. Give yourself time… in time you will see that others actually arent the ones that make us happy – we are the ones who make ourselves happy – by putting ourselves and surrounding ourselves with happy people, places and things.
I did alot of muddling through days, we all have and sometimes depending where we are in the healing process we all still experience exactly where you are – but it gets better – I can officially promise you that!
The point is, you are just beginning one of the most amazing journies ever… I dont want you to miss it or toss it away… hang in there…realize the alternative is to go back to a much worse place/with an unhealthy person who cant give you want you want and need. They just twist your mind to make you think you need them to be happy and free. You deserve better for yourself.
You are your own best friend. You have to start from there and learn and grow more from that starting point…
Learn – Your advise to Kindred is so right on – I am at one year no contact – I can remember the hopeless feeling, that HUGE feeling of LOSS – I thought I would be ok if the drama and chaos would just end – I was hurting but I knew he had to leave..I really wasn’t prepared for the emotion’s that came afterwards. I think it was the final realization that all my doubts and suspections were REAL. I was being used – I knew it the whole 3 years he was here – but he was so good at confusing me – making me feel at fault. That is what I regret the most, is that I did not end it sooner, much sooner. My intuition was kicking me in the head and redflags were popping up like fireworks and I just kept on waiting for him to be and do what he said he would. Even when he said he loved me (20 times a day) I didn’t feel it. I know what Kindred is feeling – I lost twenty pounds – almost lost my job – my son’s thought I had gone crazy (seriously)…But ya know what? I had gone crazy – just as (he) had planned. He still camps in my head – and that is annoying – but we must learn the lesson..
Henry – We keep our word. We follow through. They toss words and promises around like its confetti …
You know how you said you regret that you did not end it sooner with him. Well I am a one year 4 mths of not seeing him and I didnt want to also end up regretting not kicking out of my head sooner.
So how do I kick him out of my head? POOF! A L MO S T .. Im not quite there yet …but so dern close…but what I can do is start to make the choice to kick him out when he pops in there. Literally squash him with another thought – a greater thought – a happy thought – ANY other thought. If I dont offer cotts in my head, and a little cozy blanket and a night light .. he cant get so comfortable in my head. Up to me, I have the power, just have to turn it on – hit the switch sweep him out of my head – wash him out – sing it Star!!!! plus imagine how dirty his place is in my head – cowbwebs are in there after a year – time to clean out all the crap in my head and replace it with new thoughts and ideas !
We are learning Henry..we are learning!!!
I will get to that place, I know I will, not as quick as I had hoped, but just getting him out of my life took 3 years, he was like a squatter, wouldnt leave – I would literally make him leave and think it was over – then a week or two later he was at my door – tears and suicide threats – he really had no one or no place to go – and I would say ok but you sleep on the couch and we are not a couple – and next thing you know he is in my bed like a little lost puppy – He called me (Sugarbooger) and would say I don’t want to lose you – you have been better to me then anybody in my whole life and I know I fucked up and I will do anything to make it better -I want to be with you the rest of my life etc. etc. Well I take in stray dogs and cats so why not him? But then the very next few days he would be having men over while I was at work and up to his old habits – back and forth back and forth we would go – and he would say But it’s your fault you don’t believe I love you…..and I would think well yes that is true I dont but……..I would if you were fuckin HUMAN…oh this is good therapy~~~!!! anyway I am pissed that I got all entangled financially ( one of his hooks) and he was literally homeless without a pot to piss in or a car to drive and when he left here he was much better off than when he came – I wish I could go back to that nite he knocked on my door – and I would of slammed it in his face – but then I guess I wouldnt of learned so much about me – and at times I am glad that I helped him get his life together – I just wish it had been appreciated instead of expected…
Dear Kindred: you said “What do you do when you feel completely lost and alone? . . . I feel completely hollow inside. I dread the mornings. It means I have to once again drag myself out of bed and somehow muddle through another 24 hours. I’m tired of it, and I just feel like what’s the point anymore.”
You may have done someone a big favor just by saying what you did. Not everyone has the courage to just lay it out there, but many of us know what that feels like. I’m glad you stated it, because I’m sure you spoke for more people than just yourself.
I know that feeling, and here’s the good news . . . It’s part of the process, but it is temporary. Every time you post and connect with others, you are saying something that someone else has also felt, and you are helping this process of communication. Is that cool?
Now I can tell you that I had a sucky day, but it didn’t suck nearly as bad as some other days. Actually, the fact that I can cycle back into a decent frame of mind more quickly than in the past tells me a lot about my process of recovery. I am feeling better faster — that’s an excellent thing for me to notice!
Keep reading, keep checking in, and don’t be afraid to post. It’s one way of not only inviting help for yourself, but help for others, including those who take time to respond to you. We are all working together.