After the sociopath, how to overcome the fear of dating

My ex-husband thoroughly betrayed me. He defrauded me, cheated prolifically, had a child with another woman during our marriage, and then committed bigamy. When people hear my outrageous story, they often ask, how did I overcome the fear of dating after the sociopath? Wasn’t I afraid that I’d meet another one?

I’ve found that it is certainly possible to overcome the fear of dating again. I’ll explain how to do it.

Heartbroken by a sociopath

If you’ve been left heartbroken by a sociopath, you may feel gun shy about putting yourself out there in search of a new partner. This is totally understandable.

The sociopath swept into your life, love bombed you, and promised that the two of you would live happily ever after. You believed it all. Then you discovered that he or she was lying, cheating, manipulating, stealing and who knows what else. You were devastated.

As the truth was being revealed to you, the last thing on your mind was another romantic involvement. But this terrible experience does not mean you need to be alone for the rest of your life. You can move on from it. I truly hope that you do. I don’t want the abuser to hold power over you forever.

Are you ready?

First of all, before you even start, be sure that you are ready to date. How will you know? You’ll feel mostly centered. Your life may not be perfect, but you’re over the profound shock of discovering that everything you believed about your ex-partner was a lie. This means you’ve moved past the obsession stage and have done a fair amount of emotional processing.

You may not have solved all the problems that the sociopath left you, but you’re starting to make progress. Your basic responsibilities are sorted out, and you have energy left over for some fun.

Read more: True emotional recovery from the sociopath

The key is, you’ll know you are ready if you are not desperate and not searching for someone to rescue you. Sociopaths can smell desperation a mile away. If you’re looking for someone to clean up the mess for you, chances are good that you’ll encounter another exploiter.

Next, educate yourself about sociopaths

Most of us get tangled up with sociopaths because we don’t know they exist. We believe people are all basically the same, everyone has good inside, and we all just want to be loved. Well, you’ve learned the hard way that these bromides aren’t always true.

Approximately 12% of the population are sociopaths. By that I mean they could be diagnosed with antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorders. Unfortunately, once people who have these disorders are adults, there is no rehabilitation. They’ll never get better, and as my research into senior sociopaths shows, they’ll probably get worse.

Now you know that they’re out there. You know first-hand how they lie and cheat. Still, educate yourself about the warning signs. These people aren’t all the same, so if another one crosses your path, the behavior may be different. You want to be able to spot them.

Listen to your intuition

The fact is, there are probably 31 million adult sociopaths in the United States, so yes, you may encounter another one. How do you protect yourself? By listening to your intuition.

Your intuition has evolved over millennia specifically to warn you of danger. The key is to pay attention to an intuitive warning and then act on it. When you do, it is absolutely your best protection against sociopaths.

If you think back, you probably sensed that something was wrong early in your involvement with the previous sociopath. You had a bad feeling, something seemed off, or the story didn’t add up. But you doubted your perceptions. You kept going.

Now you know sociopaths exist, and you know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior. Plus, if you’ve been working on your emotional recovery, it clears the way for you to clearly hear your intuition. So if you get a gut feeling, now you can identify what it means and escape before too much damage is done.

Finally, go slow and have fun

A hallmark of sociopathic seduction is the whirlwind romance — they come in and sweep you off your feet before you have a chance to think. So as you try again, you want to do the opposite: Go slow.

Slowing things down isn’t foolproof, because sociopaths can maintain their charade as long as necessary to hook you. However, going slow gives you more opportunities to evaluate your new romantic partner. You also have more time for your intuition to throw up warning flags if they are warranted.

It’s also important, at least in the beginning, not to take dating too seriously. Your goal for any date should simply be to have fun. Enjoy yourself. Take a break from whatever insanity may still be going on in your life.

Do not view every date as an audition for life partner. That’s simply too much pressure. Take things one step at a time, see how it goes, and you may find yourself pleasantly surprised.

To learn how I navigated dating again after the sociopath, read my book, Love Fraud. I had one interim relationship, and then met the man who is now my husband. It’s a sweet love story, and in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m publishing excerpts on the Lovefraud blog.

Learn more: Lovefraud Dating Recovery Bundle

Valentine’s Day Announcements

• Get an autographed copy of my original printed Love Fraud book for the very low price of $4.99, plus shipping. Enjoy! And be inspired! Buy now.
• I’ll be talking about Love Fraud on the Coast to Coast radio show, featuring George Noory on Feb. 6 at 3 am ET. If you’re up, be sure to listen!
• For my Lovefraud Live! Youtube show on Tuesday, February 14,  I’ll have a special guest — my husband, Terry. Be sure to join us! Sign up for a Youtube reminder.