Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call, “Andrea19.”
I married a sociopath who charmed me when I was at a very lonely & depressed time in my life. After only a few months of knowing him, we ended up married.
He was younger than me and seemed to have it together. Very handsome, quiet & smart. I had just lost a family member and was devastated & grieving.
Our relationship consisted of very high highs and very low lows, it was like being on a roller coaster. I was walking on egg shells all the time and felt in some ways that I had disappeared.
His words were cruel & condescending when speaking of his ex, or anyone else he had a problem with. I never thought that he would speak of me & to me the same way.
The abuse became more chaotic and happened more often until there was no more romantic highs and no happiness at all. I felt like I had lost my soul and my life, I wanted to die because I felt that I was already dead anyway. He extorted money from me, Kept me captive in a room in our house.
The abuse got physical & I still stayed. Not understanding my own behavior, I kept waiting for him to become once again the person I fell in love with, the person I met in the beginning, the false personality. If that person returned, I thought everything would be OK again.
I was afraid to leave but I knew I had to. It took me three times to physically leave before I finally left. He lied to me & I believed the words because I saw the good in everybody. Never in a million years did I think I would be involved in an abusive marriage.
The way it happened was insidious, I kind of knew but within so much denial because I wanted to believe in the fairytale.
I later found out he was a drug addict, using since the day I met him. He took my life savings & spent it on drugs.
I have been NC for a number of years, but I am still scarred for the rest of my life. I will never be that same carefree, trusting, loving girl that I used to be. I lost my innocence, my faith in people, he took that from me.
I am now in a very healthy marriage and I thank God that my husband now was placed into my life. My marriage now is a gift.
But I am still not the same person, I trust no one, have C-PTSD, I keep people at a distance, it’s very hard for me to get close to anyone anymore, and that makes me really really sad.
But I am so grateful that I am alive because if I had stayed, there is no doubt in my mind that he would’ve killed me.
After years of working through this in therapy, I realize that although I was the victim, I was replaying something that happened to me many years ago when I was a child. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve been through it.
I hope if anyone reads my story that it would help someone out there.
Forgiveness and sociopathic abusers — what the Bible says
Andrea- Good you have recovered.
SG
Andrea, God bless you–you endured such hardship. My old neighbor married a man who was a gambling addict. His parents knew about it, but never took her aside or advised her about his addiction. He hid it from her for years, and she paid the price greatly. One thing that affects me to the core is when parents and siblings deny that someone in their family has a serious problem. It’s negligent and everyone loses.
The parents in this case should be held accountable for allowing him to take advantage of this unsuspecting woman.
I understand your fear of being killed at the hands of a sociopath. My mindset is this–never doubt to what extremes they will go to–especially if they are raging sociopaths who cannot regulate their emotions and have frequent rage episodes.
this sounds like me; mine played out over 29 years. all sweetness, loving, in the beginning, with some vague hints of otherwise mean, nasty, petty words/behaviors..which I dismissed. After all, we all are human?! By the time, we had children, I was afraid of him, afraid to leave..Children only added to my burdens of trying (and failing) to make him happy, keep him happy. By the time, the kids were nearly grown, and gone; I was almost gone myself. Just like Andrea19, I let him take ALL of what made me, me..it was nearly completely wiped out. I too do not trust people, I keep even good people at a distance. I’ve not dated, nor re-married, I may not ever be able to trust anyone enough to try. It has taken me a long time, to regain who and what I was..at 68, its a struggle. I had NO idea men like mine were out there. Or that a marriage would become 29 years of verbal/emotional abuse.