I wrote the following nine months after the p formerly in my life was arrested. I was asked on another thread, was there a moment you ‘knew’? Knew that you would be okay. Knew it was okay to let him go.
Yes and no. In those first heady days of freedom, every moment was filled with knowing I was okay. And every moment was filled with the fear I would never get through the pain to find the light of love within me. I had to make a choice. Had to decide — what do I want more of. Lies and deciet. Truth and harmony.
I wanted to share this piece with you because it speaks to the power of one word to release us from fearing life without them so that we can surrender and fall in love with life within us.
As night settled into its soggy wet blanket, the pooch and I went for a walk. The rain beat a sibilant hiss upon the shiny black road, the streetlights glowed iridescently, casting golden orbs of light, punctuating holes into the dark shadows of the night. I was wrapped in the misty blanket of a rainy evening, my skin moistened by the water-laden air, my breath a frosty vapor leading me silently forward. The pooch pranced happily by my side, her tail a constant metronome displaying the tempo of her happiness as we journeyed forth into the dark.
It was a mystical, magical evening. A night for quiet thoughts that drifted through my mind as effortlessly as the raindrops falling one-by-one from the pearl clad branches all around me.
I thought of love found and love lost and moving on. Of new relationships and old. New found love and love that never fulfills its promise of growing old beside me. Of promises made and promises broken. Journeys taken and voyages lost because the voyageur could not see by the light of the moon and lost his way among the stars. And I thought of my brother to whom I had never said good-bye and the P to whom good-bye was just another word for the door is always open until I say so.
For such a little word, good-bye carries a mighty wallop.
Good-bye can mean, see you in a while, or see you in a year. It can carry us into the night on the hope of tomorrow or it can sweep all hope away as we look back and see there will never be a next time, another day, or a new tomorrow.
For those who have journeyed into the valley of the S or P or N, good-bye is a word fraught with the fear that once spoken it can never be returned. It lays frozen upon our tongues, our minds numb in the fear it might slide out on a breath of air and change our lives forever. Terrified we might slip, we pack our hopes and dreams into that one little word and stuff our pride and dignity into the cracks of our pain seeping in beneath the door held fast against our fear that he will leave before tomorrow ever dawns. And all the while, we search for the perfect last words that will either make it all right or make him hear us, just this once, before he slithers off into the dark from whence he came.
And as we flounder in the depths of empty words and promises, we pray that there will never be a time to say good-bye but rather, welcome back, I’ve missed you. Spiraling into the darkness of the painfully long good-bye they began when they said, hello, we silently hold onto the word that will set us free and stumble through the words of begging them to please not say it.
But in the land of lies, the door we thought we held so firmly closed is always open, no matter how hard we push against it. Eventually, when we have worn ourselves out upon the welcome mat of our desire to be all they will ever need, we must face the reality that we will never have the chance to say our fond farewells. They have already left. Gone in search of new tomorrows. Of some other happily ever after which we never saw coming.
In their passing, we are left holding the shreds of our battered hearts in the basket of our dreams, frozen in time. Alone, forlorn, we whisper, good-bye, into the empty space that lays before us, hoping they will hear the soft promise of our hopes they will find out there, that which they could never find in us. We peer into the darkness of the lengthening shadows, our tears puddling around our feet, forming a river into which we fall, in fear of drowning as we cry out for one last chance to say good-bye.
Good-bye. It’s such a little word but it keeps us stuck on the dream of wanting them back so that we can have the last word that will close forever the door to our hearts they so easily open.
In the end, the best good-bye is the quiet hello we whisper within our hearts as we pick at the scab of our wounds that never seem to heal as long as they keep walking through the door to our dreams. Good-bye lies. Hello truth. Welcome back to me.
In our good-byes that are never spoken we will never find the key that will unlock the secret door to their understanding. It resides somewhere in the dark, beyond the edges of the light. But, beneath the scabby, jagged-edge scar of our disbelief, new skin is forming with our welcome home. If we leave it alone long enough to heal from the inside out, we will understand that he could never hear our good-bye. He could never cherish our hearts because he was always and forever, a figment of our imaginations. He was never true.
In our awakening to the light of a new tomorrow without him we discover, it was only the darkness of being without him we feared. And without him, we have nothing to fear.
In seeing the gift of his departure in the light of a new day dawning, we lift our heads and see, the sun is shining. As it beckons, we step into the light of finally knowing, the only way to say good- bye to what never was, is to accept it never will be.
I feel sad and alone today..It is a beautiful day and I just worked out. I used to rush home and wash my hair so that we could go out.. today, I have nothing to do.. I watch TV, do things around the house…I feel rejected yet it was I that asked him to leave and when he did I felt like it was he that made the decision. The whole relationship was so confusing to me.. His kindness that really didn’t feel totally kind. His alway being there but my wishing that he was gone. Then he is gone and I miss the interaction. He got me so used to having him around. We ran around doing things alway busy.. Now, I feel alone and on the edge of the world and when I met him I was busy and did not feel alone.. I just feel confused… I don’t trust men and their motives.. I am tired of hearing them talk, tired of their boasting, tired of their sexual neediness… the wanting of it offering nothing in return of themselves. It seems all so what for? Am I meant to be alone.. is there a man that has depth? This man gave a good impression of it.. just after he moved in, I discovered that he was three months behind in his rent and that they had started eviction … I felt so used.. yet he talked and talked.. then later when I brought up that I didn’t feel loved since he was being evicted.. I felt like he was using me for a place to live.. he said that he was never evicted.. He twisted and turned things continually. Yet.. I just don’t know anymore… I feel strange… alone… without trust.. I am attractive, I turn heads, I workout .. why do I keep bringing men to me that use me? What is it about me?
lostingrief, you are right. Finding this site was a huge blessing. I have learned so much, have learned that we all have experienced such similar things and I had felt so alone. Not anymore! It seems like EVERY person on here says something I can relate to.
Style1, you said you feel rejected yet you were the one who asked him to leave. Another example where I feel the exact same way! 2 months ago I asked my husband to leave, and he did, now I feel so lonely and devestated. It is bizarre isn’t it? I guess we know what we had to do, we did not want our “love” relationship to end up this way, and maybe what we miss is the dream, the fantasy. The one thing I find very difficult to deal with is the loss of HOPE for the relationship. Even though it was bad, I had a bit of ‘hope’ that someday he would see the light and change. I knew deep down he never would, but I still held onto the fantasy that someday he would ‘see the light’ and face himself and change. I FINALLY have faced reality and let go of the hope. The loss of this HOPE is a big loss, it leaves this horrible empty place in your soul. Hope is something we take for granted, and when it is gone, it is a big loss. Maybe you are grieving the loss of hope, of your future dreams. I know that is where I am at right now. It is so hard, but going back with our ‘men’ would be so much harder, so destructive, and then we REALLY wouldn’t have any hope! Keep up the No Contact and mourn the losses of hope and future. But also, realize how fortunate we are to have the opportunity to start over, to make our lives so much better. If we stayed in the bad relationships that we were in, there truly WOULD be a loss of hopes and dreams! At least now we can start over and at some point, begin to be happy and safe again. At least we were smart enough to get out and realize the no win situations we were in. Weekends are so hard. I am thinking of you. How long ago did he leave?
He was leading me on a path to nowhere… but for awhile I believed what he said and the picture that he painted as he painted the picture of a life that all women want to have… He was tall, greying and handsome, me petite with dark hair.. we made that perfect looking couple.. but it was my life that we lived in… I made him look good is what one of my friends told me.. but it is the loss of the dream, the lie, the picture that I am missing… the perfect ‘looking’ couple living in my life… he brought little to the picture.. sure he worked and contributed but most of his income went to his ex and his kids and his past due bills .. he was playing catch up on my time.
So it’s the lie, the dream that I miss… were he here… I would be wanting him gone.. I wanted him gone just after he moved in … there were times we were happy.. but mostly I wanted him gone.. I want a man to create a life with not a man that moves into mine. Make sense?
Style and Ann,
I think what we morn is the “idea” of love that we have lost… We all watch romantic movies, read romantic novels, listen to fairy tales growing up of men and women falling in love forever… Finding that soul mate, finding that one person who gets you no matter what… We thought we found it, but we didn’t. And now we trust no one; ourselves most of all.
I find when I talk to anyone that I’ll have normal interaction and then later when I play back the interaction… I question everything. What did they mean by this or that… Were they lying? It’s so frustrating…
Ann — your comments about the loss of Hope is so true!! I too had hoped that he’d change (he claimed to so many times); would break down crying saying that he wanted to be different. That he wanted to be able to feel love… I don’t think that was an act; but I also know he isn’t just going to “change” not for me; not for anyone. Maybe someday he’ll get help for all of his ‘issues’ but seeing as there are so many women out there that are willing to fall for him…I doubt it as he’ll never be alone and have to do anything on his own… There will always be another victim.
Do any of you watch this silly show on TV called – The Dollhouse… I do mainly because there isn’t much to do these days BUT watch TV… I wish it was real… That I could go somewhere and that they’d suck out these thoughts these memories… Leave a clean fresh mental state…
I was looking at his photos today… I know I shouldn’t… That I should take everyone of them and burn them to a disk and put it in storage somewhere… But I can’t… Not just yet… I miss him so much that it’s silly. We didn’t even do a lot of things that I enjoyed… We’d go fishing or out to clubs (things he liked); but not many things that I really enjoyed…
I know Louise is correct and we can’t change the past. We can only live in the moment and know that the future will be changed; thereby changing our past and as time ticks by he’ll be farther and farther away… Yet, I’m having such a hard time changing “now” — even as much as this site is a help (nice to know I’m not the only fool….) it also means I’m still thinking of him…
Day 15 of No Contact… I dread the day he calls me, texts me, or emails me…yet everyday I wake up and wonder if today will be the day…
Dear Louise, thank you for your inspiring post. I did not think so much about my saying good bye to X! Food for thought, really. This thread has been a major eye opener for me this week!
Dear Kathy, I think that you refer to two different approaches towards psychology problems. It is somewhat slippery for me to make a statement as I am not a psychologist, nor have I formal training as board qualified psychiatrist.
There are different schools of handling psychological problems.
There is good old autosuggestion by Emil Coué: ” (February 26, 1857 ”“ July 2, 1926) was a French psychologist and pharmacist who introduced a method of psychotherapy and self-improvement based on optimistic autosuggestion.
The application of his mantra-like conscious autosuggestion, “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better” (French: Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux) is called Couéism or the Coué method. The Coué method centers on a routine repetition of this particular expression according to a specified ritual, in a given physical state, and in the absence of any sort of allied mental imagery, at the beginning and at the end of each day. Unlike a common held belief that a strong conscious will constitutes the best path to success, Coué maintained that curing some of our troubles requires a change in our unconscious thought, which can only be achieved by using our imagination. Although stressing that he was not primarily a healer but one who taught others to heal themselves, Coué claimed to have effected organic changes through autosuggestion” Wikipedia
My mom told me this when she noted that I was very unsecure as a teenager, but it did not help me at all.
In my psychology courses I learned to know a method called :
” Gestalt therapy, focuses more on process (what is happening) than content (what is being discussed). The emphasis is on what is being done, thought and felt at the moment rather than on what was, might be, could be, or should be.
Gestalt therapy is a method of awareness, by which perceiving, feeling, and acting are understood to be separate from interpreting, explaining and judging using old attitudes. This distinction between direct experience and indirect or secondary interpretation is developed in the process of therapy. The client learns to become aware of what they are doing psychologically and how they can change it. By becoming aware of and transforming their process they develop self acceptance and the ability to experience more in the “now” without so much interference from baggage of the past.
The objective of Gestalt therapy, in addition to helping the client overcome symptoms, is to enable him or her to become more fully and creatively alive and to be free from the blocks and unfinished issues that may diminish optimum satisfaction, fulfillment, and growth. Thus, it falls in the category of humanistic psychotherapies.” (Wikipedia)
Rapid eye movement is also very effective, I learned from Oxy. A psychologist who is working with trauma patients has also confirmed it to me (he does not know how it works, but it seems to do deblocking old trauma to have access to them to be able to work with them, but one has to be cautious not to deblock too much trauma at once, as the blocking happened at the time for a reason!).
And some times there is good old soul-archeology necessary with the help of Mr Freud or Mr Jung.
I do really not know which method is best; maybe depending on the trauma, the circumstances and the resources available?
For me nonviolent communication WITH MYSELF was an eye opener as well. I did the course 12 years ago, and did not know how to integrate all the stuff. Now all the jigsaw – parts fit very well!
Dear Lostandsad. I can so relate. You made a great step by wiriting all the weird stuff down and making an inventory. It boils down to that he is all the other P/N/S in LF: they see us a escort for free! Nothing more!
As soon as I found out THAT (in fact he told me frankly so and gave it in writing much later too), I could leave him saying that the escort girl was now going, never to return. I did not realize at that time that it was the final good bye. Of course I expected a phone call or the like afterwards to sort things out and that he was coming back to me under MY conditions, with mutual respect and commitment, as I would have any lost self respect in staying after having faced the escort-reality. But there was NADA. It was killing me, I felt also abandoned although I had left him.
I called my sister for advice, and she pointed out to me the word “psychopath”, and so I found LF. And here I am, it is two years now since we met. This autum is far less poisoned with fond memories, as I could replace them last year with different, better ones (the honeymoon of 3 months was in autum 07). I even held a private funeral on an island in Sweden last september. I left him there, at least I tried… Sometimes he is still hunting me in my thoughts, out of the blue. It gets weaker though.
You did mention time. This is the one and only remedy! Read, and blog and vent here, but do not call, mail, drive by, it will get better with time.
Dear Style: so sorry that you “qualify” but your post shows that the X in your life deserved just what he got from you: a final good-bye! Hang in there, it will get better, read and vent and rant, BUT DO NOT CONTACT HIM!! Take your time to find out
“why do I keep bringing men to me that use me? What is it about me?”
I wish you courage and strenght to face these questions. It is a life lesson, and a very tough one. As it is an old LF-saying: the truth will set you free, but first it pis.es you off!”
Once you found the answer to THAT question, your life will be incredible and wonderful!
Dear Ann and Lostingrief: about believing: it is incredible that the strength lies within ourselves, and that we can get good examples from fellow -LF who can inspire and give courage and can give the feeling of “just not being alone”, as there is always someone in cyberspace, even when nobody seems to notice the post. I am sure there are readers who get something out of it, as I do not often post. It would be better of course if this site has no necessity to exist if N/P/S will be extinct; for the time being LF is a lifeline for me!
I wish you all a wonderful sunday!
I have been through all sorts of therapy in the past.. I am a stress management consultant.. and when it hurts it hurts.. I let this man into my life .. he is gone.. and I am left with the memories of where we went, etc. The weird thing is that I never was that into him.. it was just like it happened directed and guided and pushed by him.. I am just tired of men and their agendas..
Style1,
You say you weren’t that into him. I remember when I met my ex — I thought he was too young plus I had just ended a 14 year relationship about 6 months before and I WAS NOT looking for anything serious. I was dating and “having fun” and that was all I wanted. I was seeing like 3 guys at the same time…being a total “man” or Samantha and have blast like I had never had before. HE was the one that started with the whole…I really like you, I have feelings for you, I want you to only be with me, I want to marry you, I want to be with you…and so on…
At first I said no, I wouldn’t even go out with him; then I did and I remember even telling a friend of mine that I just didn’t “feel” it and wasn’t going to see him again. Then he’d pop up with these CRAZY stories… Like the 2nd week that we’d been “hanging out” he shows up at my door with this story of how his “roommate” stabbed him and he had to leave, his “roommate” destroyed his phone so he couldn’t call and didn’t have anywhere to go…
What I didn’t know at the time and didn’t know for another 5 months… Is that it was his girlfriend at the time. He had told me that he had ‘just moved’ to FL…. HA HA HA — he had moved down 8 months before and was living with this girl that he literally DROVE insane… She was already a little off so it didn’t take him long to push her over the edge… But she did stab him and later I found out that she said he was choking her and I never totally believed her story… However, by the end of my experience with him — I turned into someone I didn’t know… Did things and raged so greatly that I see her and her story in an entirely different light.
It’s sad how we can’t listen to others and their warnings. Had I listened to her — I wouldn’t be in this predicament today.
That is another things I learned during this….how UNTRUSTWORTHY women are. I have been exposed to sides of women that I find to be so disgusting. My faith in women and what we stand for has been greatly altered.
Yes..I was just going out for the fun of it curing the holidays.. I met his mother. She like me sooo much.. and it turned it into promises of forever… And his last wife died six months before we met.. and he met her on the internet and married her in one month.. and he claimed that one of his wives came after him with a knife.. there was always something wrong with the women never him…
And he asked me to marry him in the first month and I said let’s wait and see. THis is going toooo fast … I don’t move this fast.. and in four months he is living with me… his mother is in a nursing home and I find out that he was about to be evicted from this large house that he was renting… he knew what he was doing.. I was a woman, no children, moving into a new house.. and he was after me hot and heavy. I was never that into him.. he was like a companion that did stuff for me around the house.. brought me flowers, took me to dinner… then he just grew into this engagment thing.. his mother died and I saw her more than he did in the end. I am just releasing all this apparently this weekend and this site is helping as I read and read..
Style1,
Mine moved in 4 months after I met him as well. AND it was always the “other” women that were a problem. Like…I couldn’t be added to his myspace account because of an ex that was a wack job and he had to get a restraining order out on her. Later after I found out all the “real” stuff… I realized that he had merged many exs into one person and a lot of what he said may have been “true” but it was all twisted into this “one” person that didn’t exist.
He was also heavy on PDA… Hold hands, arm around you, when we were out — he NEVER looked at other women… He was all about me… I’d never experienced that before.
I remember I went to Chicago for work in June of ’07 and my roommate told me how my ex never came home. Found out he rented a hotel room with that ex girl that stabbed him. They couldn’t go to her place ‘cuz her roommate wouldn’t let him in the house…
I was sooo stupid! No, matter HOW many signs I had in the beginning — I ignored them all. But ignoring my gut was the worst… I knew something wasn’t right but then I let myself get caught up in this reality he created…
GRRR…. I just found a job posting that I KNOW I can do… But I’m soooo scared. I’m scared of my mind still being twisted up in my ex and not being able to focus on this new opportunity. But IF I can get an interview — I know I could get this job. It would be so fantastic. I need something to keep me busy and give me a purpose again in life…
But I have this fear… It just wells up and paralyzes me… I HATE THIS!!!