I wrote the following nine months after the p formerly in my life was arrested. I was asked on another thread, was there a moment you ‘knew’? Knew that you would be okay. Knew it was okay to let him go.
Yes and no. In those first heady days of freedom, every moment was filled with knowing I was okay. And every moment was filled with the fear I would never get through the pain to find the light of love within me. I had to make a choice. Had to decide — what do I want more of. Lies and deciet. Truth and harmony.
I wanted to share this piece with you because it speaks to the power of one word to release us from fearing life without them so that we can surrender and fall in love with life within us.
As night settled into its soggy wet blanket, the pooch and I went for a walk. The rain beat a sibilant hiss upon the shiny black road, the streetlights glowed iridescently, casting golden orbs of light, punctuating holes into the dark shadows of the night. I was wrapped in the misty blanket of a rainy evening, my skin moistened by the water-laden air, my breath a frosty vapor leading me silently forward. The pooch pranced happily by my side, her tail a constant metronome displaying the tempo of her happiness as we journeyed forth into the dark.
It was a mystical, magical evening. A night for quiet thoughts that drifted through my mind as effortlessly as the raindrops falling one-by-one from the pearl clad branches all around me.
I thought of love found and love lost and moving on. Of new relationships and old. New found love and love that never fulfills its promise of growing old beside me. Of promises made and promises broken. Journeys taken and voyages lost because the voyageur could not see by the light of the moon and lost his way among the stars. And I thought of my brother to whom I had never said good-bye and the P to whom good-bye was just another word for the door is always open until I say so.
For such a little word, good-bye carries a mighty wallop.
Good-bye can mean, see you in a while, or see you in a year. It can carry us into the night on the hope of tomorrow or it can sweep all hope away as we look back and see there will never be a next time, another day, or a new tomorrow.
For those who have journeyed into the valley of the S or P or N, good-bye is a word fraught with the fear that once spoken it can never be returned. It lays frozen upon our tongues, our minds numb in the fear it might slide out on a breath of air and change our lives forever. Terrified we might slip, we pack our hopes and dreams into that one little word and stuff our pride and dignity into the cracks of our pain seeping in beneath the door held fast against our fear that he will leave before tomorrow ever dawns. And all the while, we search for the perfect last words that will either make it all right or make him hear us, just this once, before he slithers off into the dark from whence he came.
And as we flounder in the depths of empty words and promises, we pray that there will never be a time to say good-bye but rather, welcome back, I’ve missed you. Spiraling into the darkness of the painfully long good-bye they began when they said, hello, we silently hold onto the word that will set us free and stumble through the words of begging them to please not say it.
But in the land of lies, the door we thought we held so firmly closed is always open, no matter how hard we push against it. Eventually, when we have worn ourselves out upon the welcome mat of our desire to be all they will ever need, we must face the reality that we will never have the chance to say our fond farewells. They have already left. Gone in search of new tomorrows. Of some other happily ever after which we never saw coming.
In their passing, we are left holding the shreds of our battered hearts in the basket of our dreams, frozen in time. Alone, forlorn, we whisper, good-bye, into the empty space that lays before us, hoping they will hear the soft promise of our hopes they will find out there, that which they could never find in us. We peer into the darkness of the lengthening shadows, our tears puddling around our feet, forming a river into which we fall, in fear of drowning as we cry out for one last chance to say good-bye.
Good-bye. It’s such a little word but it keeps us stuck on the dream of wanting them back so that we can have the last word that will close forever the door to our hearts they so easily open.
In the end, the best good-bye is the quiet hello we whisper within our hearts as we pick at the scab of our wounds that never seem to heal as long as they keep walking through the door to our dreams. Good-bye lies. Hello truth. Welcome back to me.
In our good-byes that are never spoken we will never find the key that will unlock the secret door to their understanding. It resides somewhere in the dark, beyond the edges of the light. But, beneath the scabby, jagged-edge scar of our disbelief, new skin is forming with our welcome home. If we leave it alone long enough to heal from the inside out, we will understand that he could never hear our good-bye. He could never cherish our hearts because he was always and forever, a figment of our imaginations. He was never true.
In our awakening to the light of a new tomorrow without him we discover, it was only the darkness of being without him we feared. And without him, we have nothing to fear.
In seeing the gift of his departure in the light of a new day dawning, we lift our heads and see, the sun is shining. As it beckons, we step into the light of finally knowing, the only way to say good- bye to what never was, is to accept it never will be.
FlatBrokeNow:
Being here is really part of NC — it helps survivors of an S to escape the fantasy. As a starting place a survivor needs to escape the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Also, the folks on this site are really good at giving you reality checks which are necessary since these creatures do such a thorough job of destroying our sense of reality. Kathy Hawke has written a great series of articles on the steps of healing.
I’ve practiced criminal law — both sides of the aisle — and I thought I knew what sociopaths were all about. No secret that a large proportion of the guests of the CJS are psychopaths. I still got nailed by one in my personal life — and as incredible as it seems, he was an ex-con. I subsequently learned he had been released from prison 3 weeks before I met him. So, you’ve got a lot of company in the “I thought I knew what a S was club.”
Matt,
Well, we have that in common. I knew it, was warned, found the court papers on the net, but chose to believe her story, well… I suspected she was lying, but chose to ignore that. Felony elder abuse, 3 year sentence, her own mother. Just a few years back. Dom Violence charges as well. How could I choose to ignore this??? Dumb, and dumber!!! More accurately… Dumbest!!!
Broke
Dear Flat broke,
We have a custom around here in case you haven’t happened on it. I am a crusty old lady with a cast iron skillet and if you call yourself “dumb” again, I will “boink” you and flatten your skull with it! (Love taps only! LOL) Seriously, I think you should change your mind set about thinking of yourself as “dumb”—actually you are not, none of us here is. It seems that most of the time (from research done by Dr. Leedom,) they actually target people who are competent, and smart, but they are SOOOOO good at pulling the wool over our eyes, and the “love bomb” they do to us at first is so convincing that just like a cat stalks their prey and gets them in a place they can’t (easily) escape, so do the Ps. There is a definite pattern here.
I am a retired medical professional (Registered Nurse Practitioner) with several years in in and out-patient clinics treating mental illness AND working with psychopaths, Dr. Leedom is a psychiatrist for goodness sakes! If anyone should have known we should have and there are other people here who are equally bright and educated and got hooked as well.
Actually, when I came to this blog (I had been on others that were not nearly as good) I was amazed to find such a group of educated, smart and fantastic people—all who had the same problems I did—falling for the con of a P (or in my case multiple Ps) When my P X-BF targeted me I was a fairly recent widow after losing my husband in an accident that I witnessed. I had PTSD from that and was the perfect target for a serial cheater who wanted a new wife to keep his harem at bay, since his first wife of 32 years had caught him LILTERALLY in bed with one. she had suspected all through their marriage and it had also been a violent one, but until she actually caught him in the act she was not prepared to toss him. He just needed another ‘respectable wife” and picked me out.
He love bombed me and seemed so impressed at the respect I have in my small community and the fact that everyone recognized me, treated me with respect and so on plus the fact that though I am not wealthy, I live well on my family’s old farm and my family has been here sinice 1833. He was super impressed with this, and even love bombed my mother and my friends and my sons. fortunately, once he had me hooked, his real personality started to surface and I kicked him to the curb after 8 months, but it broke my heart and threw me into the depths of despair, the abyss of horrible pain. Even ini o nly 8 months it seemed like my life was ending!
Dealing with family members who are also Ps has been equally traumatic or more so, at one point, I literally had to flee my home for many months in order to save my life. It’s been a rough road for about 3 of the last five years, but I am finally healing and moving on to a better life than I have ever lived, and I will be 63 next month! I’m only now in the last couple of years, due mostly I think to what I have learned and the support from LF community. I’m “fixing” what was broken in me that left me vulnerable to the con jobs that the Ps are soo good at. I have, as Matt says, thinned my Rolodex down to only people that are truly good friends and family, and it is quite thin number wise, but I iam 110% happier!
Wow, OxD,
I apologize, and it won’t happen again. But you know what I mean. I consider myself intelligent as well, but when you consider what I allowed, it is not consistent with that.
You brought up some amazingly similar incidents that may have worked in her favor. I was in a horrible car accident only a few days before I met her. My car was totalled by a telephone pole, and fortunately I had survived unscratched, but literally within inches of my life. I was totally stressed out at that time, she knew I was. So, yes, she dropped the bomb on me too. I think she was impressed by my house, property, cars, although I am not rich by any means, and unemployed for 7 months now.
Interesting you bring up the subject of thinning down your rolodex. One of the things I noticed was her uncanny ability to meet new “friends”. I called them acquaintances, but maybe more accurately they were potential victims. Tons of them.
Personally, I think when it comes to friends it’s quality before quantity. So how did I overlook that??? Yes, I think she wanted a respectable husband to cover her tracks as well. Well our months were almost the same, mine a couple less, but very close to yours.
We are lucky on that part.
Sorry you had to go through all that, but happy you are fixing it. Hope to be doing the same in short order. Even though I “know” there was never really a relationship, it still hurts to think about what “could have been”. Tough to deal with.
Thanks,
amazing similarities…
Broke
Dear Broke,
We used to have a joke on here where one person would describe their x and someone else would say “were we dating the same man/woman?” There is so much similarities in how these toxic jerks behave, like they have a “Psychopath’s play book” and get their ideas for end runs from the same page.
Yes, it DOES make you feel stupid, but coming here I saw women who were bright and educated and they fell for the same crap I did—the love bomb. The cyber skillet booink started with my friend Henry, who used to be really down on himself and we had a good cyber relationship so I knew he wouldn’t be offended for me “boinking” him so it sort of got to be a joke and other people started borrowing the skillet! LOL Or they would say, “you better not say that again about yourself or Oxy will get you when she comes back on line.”
I think we all have a tendency to denigrate ourselves and beat ourselves up, but it really is NOT a productive thing for us to do.
As we start to learn and heal from THEM it is all about them, but as we progress on the “road toward Healing” it becomes about ourselves. They are like a predator who can pick out the one animal in a herd of 1000 who has a limp and they home in on that one even slightly wounded animal that is more vulnerable than the rest, and people who have had financial reverses, deaths in the family, just broken up, recently widowed, the lonely, etc etc are all in a vulnerable position. women who are hearing their biological clock tick and on and on and on. ANYthing can make you vulnerable including a family of origin that is less than functional. But it is generally people with excess empathy and caring, who dont’ want to hurt someone’s feelings, and oh, did I mention sex and love bombing, and “I love you” on the second date?
It is all rush rush get their hooks in, separate you from any support base you have, isolate you so that they only have the input into your life then devalue and use you, then many times discard you, then when things go badly for them, they pop right back up saying what a mistake it was to leave you for the OW/OM and how you really were their one true love…ya da, ya da.
They don’t respect boundaries and they are ENTITLED to what you have. If all else fails, then they smear you to anyone who will listen.
This site is the best site I have found on the internet for both support and information. there is respect from other posters toward each other and good information on the articles (even if I did write some of them myself–hanging head in faux humility) LOL
Smart people with good hearts! What more could we ask for in such a place. People to hold your hand, support you, give you some good advice, and just “get it” and have an idea of where you are in your healing journey.
I have seen some amazing examples of healing here, when people would come here in a total state of chaos and pain, and remain and learn, and help others on their journey toward healing. I think healing is a JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION, and in the past I have been on the road, but felt myself “okay” and jumped right off the road back into the swamp of psychopathic relationships. NO MORE. It is time for me to STAY on that road, to be a life-long learner, and work on ME. I can’t do diddly about them, but I can take care of myself.
Well OxD, you certainly have mentioned a lot of the same situations I found myself in. “Love you” all the time, oh, and, “nothing has changed” after fierce showdowns, a few days later. I called her on that one too… nothing has changed… and that IS the problem…
and yes, my father died a couple months ago, my mother 5 years ago. Yes, she claimed she would tell the whole town about me being an abuser.
You are right, even though I got her out of my life , and it is recent, and she has disappeared entirely for now, but her ridiculous horse addiction (2 of them), is about to become an insurmountable financial burden on her. I expect she will be testing the waters soon to see if there is any more money to be had for that. So hope I’m prepared for that one coming up. Oh, forgot to mention, gas, food, lodging… etc. Basically they want you to be responsible for their whole life! HA! Never thought about it before, but maybe they view responsibility as a problem for everyone else to deal with, because they are above all that. Entitles them to procure your funds.
Thanks again for all the amazing similarities.
Broke
Dear Broke,
Yes, “responsibility is a problem for everyone else” and if you don’t provide for them, then YOU are BAD….you drive them to the arms of others, you drive them to scream, you do this and you do that…never their fault. Never their responsibility.
BTW I don’t have a “horse addiction” I have a donkey (ass) addiction, and yes, I have two of them….but I support them! so you are off the hook on my addiction! LOL
They feel ENTITLED to what you have, and they feel entitled to the BEST without any effort on their part. Just their presence (to tell you what a jerk you are) is enough payment for what they get from you. ah yes, P-Playbook page 201, paragraph A. LOL
Well at least you are responsible for your ass sets.
Oh yes, and her life was perfection before… waited on hand and foot, even had staff, 24/7, and an expense account, but that all ended in violence, and well documented on line in newspaper articles.
At least that was her version, the accused perp (a very well known celebrity) was represented by a throng of lawyers, never admitted guilt, and it never went anywhere. So all this need of money is something new… right. My guess is that this has been going on since she was a teenager. Brings to mind that old saying…
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
Broke
I just discovered this site today. I have been obsessed with someone who I believe to be a sociopath–for four years. I met him at a 12-step meeting and it was “love at first sight.” He treated me so good at first and was so in love with me, but then he stopped. He got “clean” but soon started chasing women and gambling. He has been in and out of my life. He came back in my life recently. He only wanted me because someone “broke his heart” and because he relapsed on his heroin addiction and wanted to pull me in and have me strung out and paying for his habit. After a few weeks and a few thousand dollars. I got away. I kicked heroin on my own. I left town for a week, but he begged and begged me to help him withdraw– help him move his furniture out of his duplex to put in my place– well he didn’t kick, he just stole and lied and terrorized me. He told me to just sell the furniture so that I could make back some of the money he went through. He pawned his truck to the dope dealers and kept wanting to borrow mine. He got really weird one night and I got this very strong premonition that he was going to take my car and/or hurt me.
I finally wouldn’t let him back in. (He’s not just a drug addict. I know that all drug addicts are not sociopaths, but he is– whether he’s clean or not.) He has hurt me so much over the last four years. Cheated on me. Lied. Stole. Put other women on the phone and let me know that he had been with them. He would scare me. Very sadistic. Every time, I would start to get over him, he’d find a way to come back.
I don’t know why I let him back in. The hardest part is that I had a girlfriend who I have confided all my hurts to about this person. I thought she understood. She agreed that he was dangerous, but I found out recently that she has been trying to contact him, but she lied about it. I don’t know why she did that. She has a boyfriend. I don’t feel that she was trying to “pursue him.” Did she not believe me when I told her about him. He seems to charm everyone. I don’t get it. He’s on a probation, for several crimes. I am just hoping that he will get arrested and he will go back to jail. (If he violates his parole, he has to do four years.) I feel guilty for wishing this.
The other day I found a note on my door from him, telling me to call his aunt. I eventually did. She said that I had his furniture, as if I stole it.
I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t trust people at 12-step meetings. I don’t trust people to keep confidences. I don’t trust “falling in love.” I haven’t felt anything for a man for 4 years–since I met him. I feel foolish and damaged.
I feel deep shame. I get nervous just going to the store.
As I re-read this, I am struck by how bizarre this sounds. I do not come across like a 45-year woman with two Master’s degrees. This is a little embarrassing. It sounds so ridiculous when I read this to myself. I’m going to post this anyway.
Millie – Welcome to LF. There is nothing you can not share with us. We believe your story and yes it is bizarre but every word you say makes perfect sense. I am glad you are free. Read read read. I recommend a book “Meaning from Madness” by Richard Skerritt — hang here and read and post, there’s always someone to respond to you..