I wrote the following nine months after the p formerly in my life was arrested. I was asked on another thread, was there a moment you ‘knew’? Knew that you would be okay. Knew it was okay to let him go.
Yes and no. In those first heady days of freedom, every moment was filled with knowing I was okay. And every moment was filled with the fear I would never get through the pain to find the light of love within me. I had to make a choice. Had to decide — what do I want more of. Lies and deciet. Truth and harmony.
I wanted to share this piece with you because it speaks to the power of one word to release us from fearing life without them so that we can surrender and fall in love with life within us.
As night settled into its soggy wet blanket, the pooch and I went for a walk. The rain beat a sibilant hiss upon the shiny black road, the streetlights glowed iridescently, casting golden orbs of light, punctuating holes into the dark shadows of the night. I was wrapped in the misty blanket of a rainy evening, my skin moistened by the water-laden air, my breath a frosty vapor leading me silently forward. The pooch pranced happily by my side, her tail a constant metronome displaying the tempo of her happiness as we journeyed forth into the dark.
It was a mystical, magical evening. A night for quiet thoughts that drifted through my mind as effortlessly as the raindrops falling one-by-one from the pearl clad branches all around me.
I thought of love found and love lost and moving on. Of new relationships and old. New found love and love that never fulfills its promise of growing old beside me. Of promises made and promises broken. Journeys taken and voyages lost because the voyageur could not see by the light of the moon and lost his way among the stars. And I thought of my brother to whom I had never said good-bye and the P to whom good-bye was just another word for the door is always open until I say so.
For such a little word, good-bye carries a mighty wallop.
Good-bye can mean, see you in a while, or see you in a year. It can carry us into the night on the hope of tomorrow or it can sweep all hope away as we look back and see there will never be a next time, another day, or a new tomorrow.
For those who have journeyed into the valley of the S or P or N, good-bye is a word fraught with the fear that once spoken it can never be returned. It lays frozen upon our tongues, our minds numb in the fear it might slide out on a breath of air and change our lives forever. Terrified we might slip, we pack our hopes and dreams into that one little word and stuff our pride and dignity into the cracks of our pain seeping in beneath the door held fast against our fear that he will leave before tomorrow ever dawns. And all the while, we search for the perfect last words that will either make it all right or make him hear us, just this once, before he slithers off into the dark from whence he came.
And as we flounder in the depths of empty words and promises, we pray that there will never be a time to say good-bye but rather, welcome back, I’ve missed you. Spiraling into the darkness of the painfully long good-bye they began when they said, hello, we silently hold onto the word that will set us free and stumble through the words of begging them to please not say it.
But in the land of lies, the door we thought we held so firmly closed is always open, no matter how hard we push against it. Eventually, when we have worn ourselves out upon the welcome mat of our desire to be all they will ever need, we must face the reality that we will never have the chance to say our fond farewells. They have already left. Gone in search of new tomorrows. Of some other happily ever after which we never saw coming.
In their passing, we are left holding the shreds of our battered hearts in the basket of our dreams, frozen in time. Alone, forlorn, we whisper, good-bye, into the empty space that lays before us, hoping they will hear the soft promise of our hopes they will find out there, that which they could never find in us. We peer into the darkness of the lengthening shadows, our tears puddling around our feet, forming a river into which we fall, in fear of drowning as we cry out for one last chance to say good-bye.
Good-bye. It’s such a little word but it keeps us stuck on the dream of wanting them back so that we can have the last word that will close forever the door to our hearts they so easily open.
In the end, the best good-bye is the quiet hello we whisper within our hearts as we pick at the scab of our wounds that never seem to heal as long as they keep walking through the door to our dreams. Good-bye lies. Hello truth. Welcome back to me.
In our good-byes that are never spoken we will never find the key that will unlock the secret door to their understanding. It resides somewhere in the dark, beyond the edges of the light. But, beneath the scabby, jagged-edge scar of our disbelief, new skin is forming with our welcome home. If we leave it alone long enough to heal from the inside out, we will understand that he could never hear our good-bye. He could never cherish our hearts because he was always and forever, a figment of our imaginations. He was never true.
In our awakening to the light of a new tomorrow without him we discover, it was only the darkness of being without him we feared. And without him, we have nothing to fear.
In seeing the gift of his departure in the light of a new day dawning, we lift our heads and see, the sun is shining. As it beckons, we step into the light of finally knowing, the only way to say good- bye to what never was, is to accept it never will be.
lostingrief,
mirrors are his best friend…. lol
My ex couldn’t walk past a mirror without stopping and looking… It’d take him 3 times as long to get ready as it did me… But the funniest thing is when he’d go to the gym — all those mirrors — he’d spend like 20 mins working out and 40 looking in the mirror and then later complain as to WHY he wasn’t getting more muscle definition… LOL
Oh when mine left he had the nerve to tell me to get off my lazy ass, find a job and stop feeling sorry for myself…which is sooo ironic as he that for oh say about a year and half…. Yet a few months for me makes me an awful person…
lostnsad:
they are truly nothing. i always thought he was the be-all; he had me convinced that he was important. everyone knows him. the guys all want to be like him and the girls all want to be with him. that’s all true. BUT … major BUT … he no longer has me fooled. i know him WAY too well. part of the reason i’m sure he had to move on. had his number and then some.
when i think of him now, i say aloud: you are SO far beneath me, i can barely see you. the more i do this, the smaller he becomes. he was never this big, important, swaggering king. he’s just a lost, childish, empty shell. a really nice shell to be sure, but the devil can’t come lookin’ all raggedy, now, can he!?
lostnsad,
You are giving him a lot of power by focusing your thoughts on him.
One thing I learned through that relationship — I cannot change one millisecond of the past. I cannot change the fact I shook his hand at that first meeting and was entranced by his energy. I cannot change the fact I said yes when he invited me for a drink. I cannot change….
Anything.
End of subject.
Cannot change the past.
What I can change is today.
how I respond to memories of him. how I let the thoughts of him run through my mind.
What I can change is what I do today to love myself for all I’m worth.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out — why did I stay. As if understanding the ‘why’ would change the fact I did.
I stayed, 4 years 9 months past the expiration date of that first hello.
Can’t change how long I stayed.
I can change how long I hold myself in thrall of the power of thoughts of him to invade my mind.
Breathe lostnsad — breathe and focus on loving, caring, nurturing thoughts of you.
Treat yourself with tender loving care. You have been abused. You deserve your loving attention.
N/C begins in our minds. When one thought of him enters your mind, turn and face it, embrace it and say, Oh look, there’s me thinking of him. Aren’t I amazing. And breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Replace the next thought of him with the thought, Aren’t I amazing. And then keep moving. Go for a walk. Light candles. Take a bubble bath. Meditate. Listen to wild music and dance around your house.
Do not — and I repeat — DO NOT give value to his words by repeating them to yourself. His words are all lies. Accept He Is The Lie — and put your value in the words you say that are true about you. Beautiful. Wise. Caring. Funny. Creative. Loyal. And when words of self-doubt invade, gently embrace them and say, “Oh look, there’s me not being loving of me. Aren’t I amazing.” And Breathe.
You deserve so much more than his lies. You deserve your beautiful truth. You deserve to be free.
Blessings,
Louise
I’m going to post one of our last conversations…reading it I see how “stupid” I sound…mainly because I “still” don’t want him to leave…I didn’t want to be without him and I since I’m unemp I can’t afford to live by myself now….
Anyway this is long… but just reading how he would be nice and then be a total jerk… makes me sick… I left all the misspellings — I just changed our names…
Ex-P: I found a place
Ex-P: I think I’m leaving tomorrow
Me: No
Me: U don’t have to leave
Me: You don’t have to do this and be this way
Me: Why r u determinned you treat me this way?
Me: Why have you turned everything into such hate?
Me: So what is this really all about? Are you falling for one of these girls ur seeing?
Me: I’m so sick of being hurt by you
Me: Of the shit you have put me through
Me: It’s just whatever
Ex-P: Good get sicker
Me: I can never expect anything from you but disappointment
Me: Whatever. You treat me like shit and I’m the only one who stuck by you when you really needed it. And you know it!
Ex-P: I’m a nigger so why do u want to talk to a nigger
Me: Oh please. I say something stupid when u piss me the fuck off. No it isn’t right. But you have put me in a truely fucked up position. And regardless of what you say – you know it.
Ex-P: I might of anbd I’m truly sorry but I can live like this anymore
Me: Whatever
Me: You can’t live like this anymore… What a joke…
Ex-P: Bye have a good day
Me: Yeah… Wish you had said that over 2 years ago… When I could have.
Ex-P: Me too
Me: Oh please… You have gone up…
Ex-P: I’m sorry it had to be like this
Me: I’m the one that lost my life
Ex-P: Ok enogh
Ex-P: Enough
Me: Your sorry it had to be like this… Fuck you.. You took my life away.
Ex-P: I’m not going to be mean
Me: That would be a first
Me: And don’t forget you owe me at least $80 — $50 for cake from last night and $12 from the credit score. Also u need to go to ID and make it so my card isn’t charged. As well as la fitness
Ex-P: I payed u for the LA fitness
Me: I’m saying make sure they don’t bill me again.
Me: U owe me for the poker and the credit score… From yesterday
Me: And the credit thing will charge me monthly.
Me: I think ur lying about finding a place. I think ur either moving in with dwayne or some girl… But it’s ok…
Me: U always lie
Ex-P: So I’m leaving tomorrow
Ex-P: I found the nicest place
Me: Oh really
Me: So ur really going to do this to me
Me: Ur just going to walk out on me and fuck me over?
Ex-P: its either this or kill myself
Me: Oh please
Me: U have lost nothing
Me: Ur life is only better
Me: U fucked me over
Me: End of story
Ex-P: The stress
Me: U sat here and promised you’d take care of shit
Ex-P: And u know I lost my grandmother and u give me all this stress
Me: That I wouldn’t have to worry
Me: Omg… I lost my fucking life.
Me: And I was there for you…
Ex-P: No u wasnt
Me: And where were you the day of the funeral? You cared more about getting ur dick sucked by T vs being with ur family
Me: And yes I was there
Me: I was always there
Me: Did u get ur spins today?
Me: I need that $$ back
Me: So where is this place?
Ex-P: I’m not telling u
Me: Why the fuck not?
Me: Ur just an asshole
Me: Whatever
Me: U owe me $$ and getting my car fixed
Me: U fucked me over
Ex-P: U fucked urself u should of delt with the women
Me: You NEVER kept your word. Not once
Me: I could have ‘dealt with the women’ but u had to see XXX, keep talking to XXXX and taking things too far
Me: You played with my mind and my emotions
Me: You didn’t care once that you hurt me
Ex-P: Ill get ur car fix but if u try to hurt mr
Me: What do you mean?
Ex-P: Me
Ex-P: I will not fix it
Ex-P: I’m going to live alone and I’m scared to shit
Me: What do you mean ur gonna live alone
Me: What r u scared about?
Me: You’re leaving me in ruins
Me: FUCK YOU
Me: I have NOTHING lleft because of you
Ex-P: This is something I never did
Me: Credit
Me: Never did?
Me: Go to hell
Ex-P: Bye
Me: You should be scared… Because what you have done to me will come back to you times 3. That’s just life — you have a big debt to pay. And life will come and collect at some point…
Me: You can say bye and be an asshole all you want
Me: It doesn’t change what I did for you or that you took full advantage of it
Me: So fuck you and goodbye yourself
Me: Asshole
Me: And again.. I think ur lieing about finding a place. Ur prob moving in with a whore or dwayne.
Ex-P: No I’m not
Me: Yeah. Ur a liar. That’s ur only talent
Ex-P: O yea that’s why I sold a car today
Me: Again… Ur talent is lying… Selling cars is all about lying. Perfect fit!
Ex-P: Ur a mean person
Me: Oh yeah right
Me: I’m mean?
Me: No… Go walk by a reflective surface and you’ll see a mean, heartless, soulless person that only cares about himself.
Me: I’m just HONEST. Something you can’t comprehend.
Ex-P: I’m not living healtly
Ex-P: With the fighting
Me: You can never live healthy because you are a negative person. You lie… Which is negative. You see nothing wrong with your actions which is negative.
Me: You have no morals, no integrity, and no heart
Me: I hope life brings to you everything you brought to me…
Me: That’s all I want for you.
Ex-P: Whatever
Ex-P: I’m not coming home tonight
Ex-P: Ill pay u tomorrow
Me: What the fuck?
Me: Why not
Me: Why the hell r u doing this to me
Ex-P: Fuck u
Ex-P: U want to be mean
Me: I want to be mean
Me: Like really
Me: I don’t hold a candle to you
Me: I’m not being mean
Ex-P: So I be there tomorrow to get my shit
Me: I want my money tonight
Ex-P: I didn’t get the spins
Ex-P: So sorry u have to wait till tonight
Ex-P: Tomorroew
Ex-P: Rather
Me: Yeah but u don’t wait do you
Me: You want what you want when you want it. Regardless of who you hurt
Ex-P: I don’t have it sorry
Me: Yeah but you never have issues taking it
Ex-P: O god goodnight
Me: Oh god urself
Me: Loser
Ex-P: Ill be there at like 915 to get some cloths then ill bring u the money tomorrow
Me: No
Me: U aren’t welcome here
Me: I’ll leave some shit outside
Me: Ur a piece of shit
Ex-P: Ok u want to start that u whore
Ex-P: Ok
Ex-P: The war is on
Me: I’m not a whore
Ex-P: I tried to be nice
Me: Well look at what u have done and said
Me: U wouldn’t know nice
Me: U say ur leaving
Me: That u won’t help
Me: Me
Me: U won’t say where ur living
Me: Ur never nice
Ex-P: iu said I would
Me: The ‘war’. There is no ‘war’
Me: U said u would what?
Me: U treat me like shit
Me: And expect me to be happy about it
Me: Ok
Ex-P: Ok u know what pack my shit I’m taking it all tonight
Me: No
Me: U don’t get ur shit till u give me the .
Me: $$
Me: I don’t trust you
Ex-P: I’m sick of u ill call the cops
Me: And do what?
Ex-P: So u pick how u want it
Ex-P: Try me
Me: U give me the money tomorrow and get ur stuff then
Me: Stop with your threats
Me: They are old and over played
Ex-P: Lol I owe u 60
Me: No u owe me WAY more than that
Me: And it’s 70
Me: At least what u took yesterday
Me: U have no right to treat me this way
Me: But I should know better than to expect anything else from u
Ex-P: Ill be there tonight to get my shit and ill pack it myself
Me: U aren’t taking all ur shit till u give me the $$
Me: I dontt trust u to pay me
Me: U’ll just fuck me over again
Ex-P: Ill give u the 70 tonight
Me: What about my car and the other money
Ex-P: I don’t fucking have it now
Ex-P: I’m going to be on my own
Me: So the fuck what u took from me
Me: Find a way to give back and maybe life won’t bite u in the ass so bad
Me: Just leave me alone
lost: M.L. is right.
their words are meaningless. when their lips are moving, they are in LIE mode. you can’t replay his words and try to understand them. it will make you crazy. every time you try to unravel the knot, it will get tighter. stop trying to figure it out. dealing with a sociopath is – by definition – impossible to figure out.
re-read this as many times as necessary to realize you are WAY better off now that his sorry ass is gone.
be well. take care of yourself. maintain NC … no matter WHAT.
we are all here to help keep you on the track to spath-freedom.
Skylar
You sound like me in so many ways. I feel the same way; I am plain spoken, tell the truth, frank, honest. It does seem like so many people hide, lie, want power, etc. I have tended to isolate myself lately because I just can’t stand it. However I think my life with my “P” made me more sensitive to other ppl’s behavior, esp power plays and lying. I think that is what you are experiencing too.
On your other post where you wondered if anyone else had this ‘magical thinking”. I think it is your strong faith that brings you these ‘miracles”, not magical thinking. I feel the opposite; I feel like I am all I have and ‘where are you God”? I have strong faith and pray alot, but He never seems to hear me. I wish just ONCE He would pull me out of a jam. I think it is a wonderful thing that you have such solid faith that you KNOW God is going to help you through. Maybe that is what more of us need to have, that strong of faith. You are supposed to ‘let go’ and let God take care of you. I wish I could ‘let go’ and trust Him more. I think that maybe that is what you have done, you just simply trust and have faith, and just like God promised us, it is working.
Louise is bang on. xx
I agree with everything she said in her above post.
I agreed with it when I first read similar advice in earlier posts when I came here, I knew it was right intellectually, but only just recently for me… it CLICKED. (I can tell you, it’s PURE JOY! It is like coming out of a prison, a prison made up of my own thoughts!)
REALLY clicked, I was no longer ‘going through the motions’ and saying the mantras and hoping they’d stick, and ‘resisting’ thinking about the various ‘ITS’ in my past,and why, why, why?
I got to a point where i just thought: I have done ALL of the thinking about them I can do, all the deconstruction, this hideous stuff is NOT me, these fights are not mine, this poisonous existence is not mine, this stuff is NOT mine, this stuff is THEIRS and they can jolly well keep it. I am DONE. A beautiful and joyus GOODBYE!:)
“I cannot change one millisecond of the past. I cannot change the fact I shook his hand at that first meeting and was entranced by his energy. I cannot change the fact I said yes when he invited me for a drink. I cannot change”.
Anything.
End of subject.
Cannot change the past.
What I can change is today.”
BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL!
Thanks so much lostngrief and M.L. — your words help… I’m driving myself crazy and it doesn’t help that since I’m unemployed I have nothing but TIME on my hands…so I just get lost in my thoughts which unfortunately are about him….
ann:
you have been pulled out of every jam you have ever been in, because … you are here.
we have all had so many challenges. and we are heard. and we go on another day. and somehow it all gets done and we learn another lesson.
i used to think that god never heard my prayers, until i looked back at everything i never thought i’d get through … and realize that i got through it.
this too shall pass …
blessings.
Louise, thanks for coming in.
You posts, like all your descriptions of how you handled this, just awe me. I could not have done that. The experience with the sociopath was too clearly related to other things in my life that I needed to work on. But your method is clearly the fastest, most positive route to getting on with your life.
And I think I’m going to try out your “aren’t I amazing” technique to deal with residual self-talk issues. Like if I start feeling insecure about something. Oh there I am feeling insecure again. Aren’t I amazing?
Kathy
feel like had I had to go slogging through the bad feelings to come out the other side. That kind of self-control of my thinking was just not in my power. And besides, I felt like there was another reason to do this intense processing that was larger than him. I felt like there was a reason he was in my life, to teach me something about myself that I really needed to know.
In this we’re different. You just brushed him off as a bad experience, and then went on to get over it in the most rapid and positive way possible.
And for me, the really powerful way about how you did this is that, while diminishing the meaning of his presence in your life, you also diminished the influence of his behaviors and words on your thoughts. Just curious, were you a meditator before the relationship ended? Or did you have some training that taught you to use these techniques? I really like them, and I think I’m going to try out to deal with negative self-talk.