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After the sociopath is gone: In time…

Hot. Sunny. The slits of the blinds filter the light. Dark. Light. Dark. Light. Birds twitter. In the distance, traffic hums. The city awakens.

I helped my friend’s daughter move out of her house on Saturday. My friend’s daughter who discovered one morning that her fiance whom she was to marry in August was untrue. It was a tough time. A difficult day. Yet, amidst the sadness, a day of hope took shape. A day for new beginnings took seed. New ideas were planted.

JS, the young woman who’s heart is broken, did well. He was there too. The man who has lied and deceived her. The man who promised he loved her, and only her and yet, does not deny the two other women who believe the same lie. How can it be true?

“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” said JS.

“Believe it,” I told her. “Believe it because in the willingness to accept the truth, your freedom from his lies awakens.”

We packed and carried. Talked a little bit. Not much. His presence was like a dark cloud threatening to storm. Glowering. Menacing.

In the end, she tried to remove her pictures from the computer. He had protected them. Read only. She had to ask him for help. He downloaded the photos onto CDs. “Now delete them from the computer,” she said.

“What about me?” he asked. “I want to keep the pictures of you. I want the memories.”

I could see her resolve wavering. I had stood with her while he downloaded the photos. It’s not healthy to stand alone in the presence of the man you loved and who lied with one breath. It’s not healthy. Your mind wants to play tricks on you. Your mind wants to tell you to listen to his lies one more time, just in case… Just in case this time he tells the truth.

“You have a choice,” I told him. “Delete the photos or give her the hard drive to take away and clean up.”

“I’m not going to give her the hard drive,” he said.

“Then delete the photos.”

“Why can’t I keep them. There’s one’s of me in some of them too. I want to keep the memories of my life with her for the past five years.”

“Your life with her was a lie. Delete the photos.”

“Why can’t I keep them if she can?”

“Because you cannot be trusted. You are the one who visits porn sites. You are the one who sends naked photos. Delete all the pictures she tells you to delete.”

He didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t deny. He deleted the photos.

When the packing was done, we drove in tandem, four cars carrying her possessions, back to her parents house where everything was to be stored in the garage until she could make plans for what to do next.

“Play your music loud,” I told her as we set off. “Let it blare so you can’t hear your head thinking. Your head will start to replay everything. It will want to re-write the script. It will want to change his lies to the truth. Play your music loud.”

Midway to her parents, she pulled her car over to the shoulder. We followed suit. She raced from her car to the grassy verge of the road. Knelt over, her body arched into a question mark, her shoulders shaking.

“I’m going to throw up.”

Her mother stood on one side. I stood on the other. “Breathe.” I commanded. “Breathe.”

I drew a long slow breath. In. Out. I leaned my body against hers. Wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Breathe with me.”

She began to breathe. Her body shook. Her hands could not remain still. Breathe.

She wanted to cry. She wanted to wail.

“You can’t do that yet.” I said. “Right now, you have to concentrate on driving. You have to focus on getting back to your parent’s house. That’s the job right now. Later. When you’re settled in, you can fall apart. You can wail and cry, but for now, you must not cry. You cannot fall apart.”

She nodded her head. After fifteen minutes, we got back into our cars and drove to her parents without incident.

She is a strong young woman. At twenty-three she is learning a life lesson that will forever change her perspective on love, on living, on relationship.

In time, the harsh edges of the pain will curl up and dry. The burnt embers of her sorrow will crumble and fall away. Dust to dust.

In time, the fear will ease. Slip back into the waters of life, into the river of tears flowing endlessly to the sea. Healing waters will replace the tears as she learns to live with the sorrow of having loved the one who is untrue.

In time, the sorrow will fade. Dissipate like fog in the morning sun. Rise up and clear away. Its memory a faint mist over the horizon, somewhere over the rainbow.

In time, she will smile again. Laugh again. Love again.

In time, she will see her strength. She will acknowledge her amazing courage. Her ability to do what had to be done, even when her heart was breaking.

In time, she will heal and in her healing she will rise up. A woman of strength. A woman with a powerful voice. A woman who has walked through the fires of his lies and found the courage to turn up for herself, in all her pain, in all her tears and be heard.

In time, she will heal.

And she will rejoice in the text message that tore her world apart. It brought her the freedom to find the truth and take action to save herself before she sank beneath the quagmire of his lies, lost to the world around her.

It takes time to build a web of deceit. Time to deceive the one who loves you into believing your lies are the only truth she needs to hear, to know, to see. It takes time to break apart a heart, chisel it into a million little pieces and scatter them to the winds.

It takes time to be deceived.

It takes only a moment of time for the crack in his facade to appear. It takes only a moment in time to step through the gap. And in that moment, the dam of his lies crumbles and the truth pours in.

And when we step through, when we face the lies, our hearts begin to heal. The tiny shards of glass cutting us apart from the inside out begin to soften their edges. Our hearts begin to heal as we pick up the pieces of our lives and begin the process of putting ourselves together again. Slowly, in time, we heal. We learn to sing and dance and laugh. To speak. To care and love, ourselves and those around us who are true.

And in our healing, we rise up and call out to others lost upon the road of their deceits. We call out and shine a light of hope for them to follow, away from the lies. Away from the pain of loving the one who is untrue.

In our healing, that is the gift we share. Our light for others to follow.

In time, this young woman will heal. And she will rise again. Like all of us who have survived and thrived after loving the one who is untrue. Like us, she is one strong, courageous woman. A wonderful woman of worth. A magnificent human being flying her true colors for all to see.


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96 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: In time…"

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This is so true- it takes TIME for the s to bury you with their lies. And TIME for you to crawl out from the abyss.

Thank goodness this young woman had her family and you to help her start her climb! Without the support of my family I never could have withstood the onslaught of the p and his mother!

I have a cousin who tried to escape a very bad man- her mother basically threatened to throw her out AND took the bad man into their home. She’s been pressured to marry him and they now have a child. I look at him and can FEEL the evil radiating from him. Despite the fact I’ve NEVER said a bad word about him, he despises me- I can feel that too. I’m pretty sure that as I can see him for what he is, he sees that I am not fooled and am therefore a threat.

Most of the extended family expressed their displeasure with this “man.” But obviously the girl’s own mother and grandparents’ voices were louder. (I think the girl’s grandfather is a predator/pedophile who has never been brought to justice. He was “encouraged” to retire early because there was a THIRD sexual harassment suit filed.) This bad man the family has opened their arms to raped one of the girl’s friends (that girl was ostracized because OBVIOUSLY she lied), and my sister awakened to find him attempting to undress her. He says she wanted him to. Of course the bad man’s version of events was believed and my sister has been “forgiven” for trying to steal the bad man.

I have stayed silent, not because I don’t believe my sister or because I think he’s “ok.” On the contrary, I have stayed silent because I KNOW what it is like to have my family divided and feel like I have been ostracized by being with a bad man. She knows some of what happened to me and my kids. I hope that when she is ready to escape, if she is ever ready to escape, that I am viable option to talk to. My family tried to warn me about my bad man- I thought they were attacking ME. It wasn’t until the fog cleared that I realized they weren’t. I don’t want to add to the “attack” on her. I know, only too well, what she is going through.

It’s not a tidal wave, but maybe if each of us helps save another survivor, we’ll create a ripple…

Facing the lies – and seeing through the facade — is indeed when healing can begin.
It is only our illusions that keep us prisoners of pain.
Once we see who they really are – and that their lies/deceit/cheating has nothing to do with us – it is who they are – then we can be free.
Free to live, to love, to have a healthy relationship where turth and trust are respected and not just words from a con man.

how awful for your friends daughter….i must say it however is sooooooooo fortunate to have happenned at this age and BEFORE any marriage and chldren, which would have logarithmically increased the pain…..on a selfish note as this is a site for healing, your story FINALLT made me cry….i have needed to cry for a long time and need to cry some more…….i felt her shaking and trembling at the side of the road…that was me….in full color and drama..paralyzed…..i only wish i had had someone like you two to help me thru…..my problem is that no one can validate it for me…… to them ….its just a breakup im obsessed with and need to get over to move on….of course thats true, and i am…but the deceit and gaslighting is just something i wished they would get…but i know only someone who has been thru it will ever get it…….thats why this site has given me back my claim to sanity……thanks m.l. for that post……..terri

Glinda,

It may not be a “tidal” wave, but the waves and ripples of one person reaching out to another is the hand of God seeking to comfort His children.

There is no way I can reach back and help all of the many people who have given of themselves unselfishly to me, but if I reach my hand out forward to help another, that love flows onward and multiplies.

I was reading last night a book-length Hindu poem that explained the nature of the Hindu beliefs and I saw so many similarities between that philosophy and the philosophy of Christianity. The moral compass of helping others, being calm and at peace, in poverty or prosperity, in good or bad times, looking for the good, rooting out the evil in ourselves and in the world. Lifting out a hand of help and hope to others.

Just as the Bible has passages describing the mind-set of the psychhopath so does this Hindu poem, describing the greed and malice they exude, the damage they do to other’s lives and hearts. The Hindu philosophy is that such a person comes back into another life in a lower form to suffer for that behavior, the Christian philosophy is that the person is separated from God’s presence in Hades.

I think in many ways the psychopaths create their own lower life forms and dwell in Hades because of their spiritual vaccuum. How horrible it would be to me to contemplate living life without being able to love or be loved–if that’s not HELL ON EARTH I don’t know what is.

Oxy,

That was a lovely post. Thank you. I want to share a quote that touches me on a deeper level every time I reread it:

“Each smallest act of kindness reverberates across great distances and spans of time, affection lives unknown to the one whose generous spirit was the source of this good echo, because kindness is passed on and grows each time it’s passed, until a simple courtesy becomes an act of selfless courage years later and far away. Likewise, each small meanness, each expression of hatred, each act of evil.”
-This Momentous Day, H.R.White

Such a profound, beautiful quote. Proves how very connected we are with each other and our world. My favorite one. You know where I discovered it? In the preface of a Dean Koont’z book, titled..”Out of the corner of his eye”…haha. I’ve outgrown his writing years ago, but I still read his books for sentimental reasons. And because I genuinely like the man. He is a good man, a humble and honest man. He states he had a terrible childhood, due to his father being an abusive alcoholic. But I think he was most likely a PDI. You can tell Dean seriously LOATHES psychopaths as they are always part of his plots and they always get their comeuppance. Always. Good for you, Dean!

You also did a wonderful, kind thing by helping your young friend, ML. She most definitely needs a strong, wise, supportive friend in her life right now, and you are there for her. And you’ve been on the receiving end of a PDIs manipulations, abuse and deceit, so I’m sure your a veritable fount of information, education for her.

Bless you, ML.

This website has really helped me out alot. i’m so happy i found this website. i feel like this website is kinda like a journal, where i can write my daily issues.

Everyday my feelings change. i feel like there is no real answers. One day i want to take him back, the next day what he did to me and all the pain, is in the fore front of my mind. I cant make up my mind. Will this every go away????? Im confused on a daily basis, with no where to go! I question my choice on leaving him. part of me wants to go back, the other part of me is like r you crazy! you cant trust him, im so scared of him and the lies he could tell me again. so scared of being lied to and led to believe something else. so scared of being played with and in a fake realtionship. so scared of believing he loves me then finding out he is talking to another women!! So scared of making the wrong decsion again. so scared to believe what he is telling me that he changed and is making his life better!!!

sorry everyone, i just ramble on everyday about whatever in my own world. just feel like i have no direction and feeling lonley and sad inside!

Oxy-D,
I wanted to tell you the baby bird is about to hatch.

Today I have been contemplating the lies. The one where he said he really wanted a baby. Where he promised me a loving family. The part where we would save for college for the baby together. The part where we would buy a bigger house to raise the child together. The part where we would get married.

I asked him over and over you really want this? Are you sure you really want this? Then a week later, are you sure you want to have a baby? Then a week after that and so on. The only answer I ever got was yes, yES, YES!

And then he changed his mind when I was 6 months pregnant. He wanted to start a life with a new women halfway across the country. I wasn’t his soul mate anymore, she was. I wasn’t his spiritual companion anymore.

This is not something you can change your mind on! And today as I contemplated the whole thing, I was getting really angry. But it was only hurting me and the baby.

And so I started to expand my feelings of love. I started working towards magnanimity towards him. I started working on feeling love for him and his new found lover. I started working on love for all of my coworkers and all the people around me. And I started feeling better.

The baby bird is going to hatch any day now. And I love him. How lucky we are to love.

Blondie…..When I journal here, I can go back and read what I have said, see how I feel. This is a good place to journal and express your feeling’s. Just look at how many time’s you said the word (scared)!!!!!!! I know what you mean, scared for me was more like (confused). I was with my X 3 year’s, he has been gone almost 3 months. I am still dealing with alot of anxiety and depression and stress. But I have educated my self about personality disordered people and how I have (unknowingly) volunteered to be their victim. These people that I loved were not just disordered they are dangerous and a threat to my health and my life. It took 53 years of being a victim and losing my identity and being scared and confused to realize (I am losing it), something has got to happen. And here we are, here I educated myself about N’s P’s BPD’s. As one of the blogger’s here said to me (this is a life lesson-don’t fail it). Read everything you can, buy books, I recommend Learning from Madness by richard skerritt. It helped me alot. And as another kind blogger told me, this is about finding our (self). Looking for my self is the scariest thing I have ever had to do, but if I don’t I will be no good to anyone. Don’t go back to him, it’s just a temporary fix to a real big problem we need to face. It is going to be tough, but I am better much better than I was 2 months ago. I went to my therapist today, and she said I make her job easy. I am still hurting but if I went back to the insanity of that 3 year relationship I might as well drown myself, it is hopeless to hang on to my illusion of what I thought he was. He is a threat to my life and so is your guy…..

Thanks Henry, i did say scared alot!!! haha. its only been two weeks for me and this is one of the hardest thing ive ever had to go though.

Dear bird,
Whether or not your ex knows it, you got the best part of him. His sperm. He left you with a gift and being a mother to someone who really needs you and will love you unconditionally. I would take my kids any day over a man. Their father included. I don’t know how God views that, but my husband didn’t view his girls as part of him. They were his family. Not his brothers, sister and their families.
He was to leave them. He never did.

But having new life and being able to see life through your baby’s eyes and show him the world, is so special. That brings back memories. I had a very dear old neighbor who had 8 children. When mine came along, she told me with the voice of wisdom, that raising your children are the best years of your life. I couldn’t see it at the time, but now I can. Those years went so fast. I think the slowest part of my life were the nine months I was pregnant.

At least you won’t have someone around vying for your attention over your baby. How I wish I could go back and redo. But of course I can’t. At least you have the opportunity to be everything for your child. I have a friend who was married and 7 months pregnant. Her husband went to work that morning, kissed her, told he loved her, came home from work and said he didn’t love her anymore and he was leaving. He did. Only saw the baby one time. Her boy is now 13. She met a really nice man when her son was 2 and they’ve been together since. He’s the only father her son knows. He loves him like his own.

But she has a problem too, as good as he is to her and her son, he won’t marry her, until he feels like it. He tells her she’s too jealous and once she takes care of that he’ll consider. She thinks that’s just an excuse. I guess we just can’t have it all.

Good luck on your birth. New life is so precious. I rather envy you, having someone who really needs you and won’t judge you. You will have someone to pour your love into and you’ll be rewarded by a sweet smile.

apt/mgr
thanks! I am really excited about the whole thing as it gets closer. You are the first person to say they envy me though, especially knowing a little of what happened! I am so big and swollen right now, that my neighbors laughed when they saw me. How many babies do you have in there? They giggled. I am not a big person, but my stomach is huge! Even people who don’t know my situation beyond my pregnancy look at me with pity:)

Blondie-Henry is right. You did write scared a lot. I really think that is a warning sign. You will do what you need to do about taking him back or not. But if you take him back, and when it ends horribly again, you will say (like I do now) Yep, I saw the warning signs, and didn’t listen.

Maybe you should read the book “Women who love psychopaths.” It probably explains you to a T, it did me. One of the things that is soooooo wonderful about women who love psychopaths, is that we are adventurous, loving spirits. We also are daring and big risk takers. We are attracted to the scariness of psychopaths! But it is too risky for us. Because we have such a great capacity to love, and they don’t.

If we want to date, we should be ready for a person who gives us a thrill-while still being able to love. If we don’t want to date in a relationship, then we can find it in ourselves to create our own thrill.

Read the book. At first it describes the psychopath, and I was reading it like “well, what is wrong with that? It sounds perfect.” But by the end they get to the reasons why the scary thrill of a psychopath is bad for our life. This is our life!

Psychopaths are like cigarettes. They feel good to put your lips on sometimes. But then the nagging cough comes around-and you think, maybe it is a warning sign I should quit. Some people quit and the cough goes away. Others keep smoking. Their skin turns yellow and their voices are perminently low. They have many cold days standing outside in the snow. And then it kills them.

The ones that quit find something else that feels good to put their lips on. And this time, they still look good, sound healthy and they aren’t killed from it.

Either way, it is a choice. It is your life. And as long as you know a psychopath will kill your spirit and turn your skin yellow-and you choose to do it anyway, then all power to you! The people who can love, will still love you. People will not look down on you for it. And if you ever decide to quit again, people will be here to support you through it.

When someone doesn’t know they are sucking on a psychopathic cigarette. That is when you can’t blame them. But eventually you will find out. And then, and only then, the choice is finally yours to make on how you want to live your life.

Bird,
Your analogy is right on. They take the very breath away from us. I walked around for such a long time, with my head down and wouldn’t make eye contact. I had nothing left in me. My girls didn’t do that to me. My husband did and that left me so battered and worn, that I almost fell at the feet of the “friend” I met. It just amazes me how a man who is so handsome, could be so insecure that the only way he can get a woman is to steal another man’s wife.

The one is my life doesn’t want anyone full time, but he leads them on to think he does. It was all a smoke screen, until he had his fill then I was set aside. He didn’t get all of me, but enough to leave me doubting his humanity.

But your being all swollen and such, is just a sign that something wonderful is happening inside. You are participating in a miracle. Even though the dad is going to miss out, you won’t. And if he’s that kind, what’s to miss? He won’t be around to damage your child like he did you. Good luck on a successful delivery and a future of joy.

Thank you for that post, every time I have doubts and start thinking, maybe he did love me, maybe he told me the truth, I read something that brings me back to reality. No, I meant nothing to him, and I think of all the other lies he told me, and it still hurts but I’ll be fine, we all will.

blackrose i feel that you are in the same place as me feeling the same emotions. some days i question my choice on leaving him, but then i read these post and it brings me back to reality. we will be fine, just like you said. keep your head up!

My ns exb left me, quit taking my calls, never called me back. Just like that, without explanation, he was out of my life, after one year of telling me how much he loved me, he made me feel so good about myself, and then made me feel so bad. I also blamed myself, went over and over in my head of things I should have said, done, but it did not matter, because I think he had made up his mind to leave me long before he actually left. I still miss the man I thought he was, miss what I thought we had, and it will take time. Just remember, we did nothing wrong.

Blondie,

Two weeks, huh? Two weeks since you discovered the man you love was full-fledged parasite, a monster, a liar. Oh, sweetie, I know it hurts so much you feel as if your soul is crushed. You can’t think one clear thought, as your emotions are storming within you, altering from rage, sadness, desolation. I know. I really do. I’ve felt what you are feeling right this very minute so many times in my life that I once considered it to be second nature. That I was becoming resolved to the fact that my eternal heartbreak was my best and only friend in the whole wide world.

Guess what, dear? I no longer feel that heartbreak. I’ve stared into that pitch black abyss, teetering on the fragile edge, one too many times until I had no other recourse but to confront and accept the evil machinations perpetrated toward me as being foul and undeserved. I didn’t deserve to be treated like an object, only to serve the needs of a most nefarious man(men). I didn’t deserve to be treated worse than dirt, stepped on, cheated on, lied to. YOU don’t either. You are a beautiful, wonderful, loving, caring woman and this truthful, powerful revelation will be shown to you as you heal yourself. As you purge, and purge the grief within your awesome heart and awesome mind.

Being exposed to/involved with Psychopaths, PDIs, soul sucking losers, provides us, the good people, valuable insight, knowledge so we can forever after protect our lovable selves from the covert, many times insidious EVIL roaming hither and tither all over our precious world.

Eventually, in your own time, you will embrace yourself, Blondie. You will acknowledge what you have known all your life, but this time you will believe and nurture such a truth: you are a powerful, beautiful woman and by truly loving you, the possibilities of fantastic, extraordinary happenings will start to gracefully flow towards your bright, shining light.

And Blackrose…ditto for you too, hon. Please continue to share with the LoveFraud members in an effort to understand, care for you and for your own healing and recovery.

Bless you….**Big, Bear Huggs**

the pain is so deep when your whole life has been pulled out from under you. all i want to do is hug and cry to someone. someone to understand what iam going through, and how hard this for me. This weekend will be my first holiday away from him, not going on our traditional vacation that we usually do. Its going to be hard this weekend, not going upnorth where i was soppose to be. it hurts, bc that was my life, and now im rebuilding my life.

thanks janesmith for the support

i read somewhere that we need to ” Stop Listening to what he says and start Looking at what he does”

thats my new motto to live by with everyone i ever meet in my life!

Dear Bird,

I am so glad that the baby is going to “hatch” any day now, and that you will not be so big and swollen any more that you can’t see your toes. Oh, how I remember those days nearly 40 years ago when I could set a saucer and a cup on my belly which stuck out like I was having a baby elephant! LOL

I sat over the crib for days just watching them sleep, wishing they would wake up so I could hold them or nurse them.

Bird, I am so thankful to God for you and the Baby Bird both that the psychopath is OUT of your life. I know there are other women here on this blog that have to share custody and all that with the Ps, and how awful it is for them. With him gone, and taking no responsibility, you should be able to KEEP him out of the life of our prescious Baby Bird so the baby will be SAFE.

I know it will be tough having to do everything for the baby by yourself, but that is so much easier still than having to deal with the pain from the P at the same time. In the short time you have been on the blog I have seen so much growth in you (inside not only outside LOL) and how strong you have become. How you have taken back your POWER and focused your energies on you and the baby!

I bet’ya there is no baby in the world who has had so many prayers sent up for him and his mom, or any baby who will have as much love than yours! (((hugs to you and Baby Bird))) Oh, here is a picture of BB (8>) Doesn’t he have a cute little BEAK!!! LOL

Blondie,

We here at LoveFraud emphatically understand your situation. The intense pain, the emotional whirlwind, the confusion, the lack of self esteem caused by such wicked duplicity perpetrated towards a good woman such as yourself, even a loss of your own precious identity. And the vacation you took together was a tradition for you. A joyous tradition I suspect. Even though you discovered your ex is a 1st class loser, that time with him was considered wonderful, correct?

It will pass, hon. You will find other things that bring much more joy in your heart than a vacation with your ex. Remember, it’s the simple things that bring the most pleasure, the most peace and relief from pain. As Oxy says, search for activities than inspire you, that give you positive energy in return for the negative energy your ex forced on you. Do whatever you wish to do to help you during this time. I know you probably don’t wish to hear any advice or recommendations right now, and that’s ok. But come back some time later and read your posts as well as others in an effort to improve your life after the loser is gone. Trust me, there is life after the Psychopath. We all are living, breathing, loving/lovable proof of it. With your newfound knowledge and rekindled strength and self-respect, you’ll be able to focus on your inner beautiful self, to love and nurture her so she can blossom like a sun worshipping daisy. 🙂

**BIG Cyber hug just for you**

Bird,

I second Oxy’s sentiments. How wonderful the baby bird’s about the hatch…haha..so cute! You’re going to be a great little mommy!! You’ve come so far and so fast, which proves how resielent you are regardless of the trials and tribulations you have endured. Is it alright if I call you my new hero?

Thanks OxD-today I was getting stressed by worrying “how am I going to do it? I am going to be so broke:(” Reading your post made me feel better. I am lucky that he left before the baby was born, you are so right. I used to tell the exsocio I was “lucky” in life usually. He, of course, said “if you are so lucky, why did you meet me?” It really was a good question, and it stumped me after he brought that up. But I am starting to see my luck again amongst all the muck and yuck.

Janesmith-thank you, I don’t feel like a hero. I feel so fragile and everyday is a new stuggle to feel better, anyway I can. What works one day doesn’t work the next. I have such a big baby in my belly, that I have to get creative. On the good side, I usually figure out how to feel good. Today it was baby yoga that did it. My back was so tense from worrying about money today that it really thanked me for the stretch.

I am probably worrying about all the wrong things anyway. Sometimes it is hard to control where the mind wanders and ends up lingering that day.

In “Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen” he says “don’t bother worrying, because the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.” After a run in with a sociopath, I think we can all agree that we were not worrying about the right things.

He also says

“Don’t be wreckless with other peoples hearts. Don’t put up with people who are wreckless with yours.”

Dear Bird,

((((hugs))))) Yes, to the worrying about things that “might” happen and being blindsided by things we never thought about! LOL HOW TRUE!!!

Have you thought any more about the birth certificate? That is something that you could think about that would protect the Baby Bird if something were ever to happen to you, to keep Baby Bird out of the clutches of the P (sometimes they turn up later in the child’s life) and that is to put NO name on the “father”—since you were not married in order to ever get any contact with Baby Bird he would have to go to court petition for a DNA test, pay for it, hire a lawyer etc. and that would assure that he could probably not ever get contact with Baby Bird or control of Baby Bird if something should happen to you in the future. That wouldmake Baby Bird YOURS alone legally.

Bird, you are strong enough to go through this, and yes, broke is NO FUN, but get all the help you can from social services, welfare and food stamps or whatever is available where you are, and then when you are able, go back to work. Call on ALL your resources, friends or relatives, neighbors, whatever you can muster, and in a couple of months after the little Bird cracks the shell and pokes his beak out you will be doing okay.

Being preg those last couple of weeks is a drag mentally and physically, but it will soon be over and you will have the Baby nesting in your arms!

It WILL work out, and you are stronger than you may thinkk right now. I have seen the growth and the strength increase just in your posts—SOOOOO MUCH!!! (((hugs)))) and pat the baby bird for me!

I just thought of something and if I’m out of line or this seems inappropriate, Bird and/or the Blog Mistresses inform me so.

I think it would be a fantastic idea to create a fundraiser on this site for Bird and her soon-to-be baby bird. She has enough on her mind, what with being abandoned by her loser x, and a cautious, bedridden pregnancy.

And, Bird, sweety, it is charity but it would be a charity from woman and men who care deeply for you and your stressful situation. Sometimes we need monetary support as well as verbal support in trying times.

What say you all!? I would definitely LOVE to contribute to the health and welfare of Bird and her baby. All YAYS? 🙂

You know, we talk the talk, but can we walk the walk.

It’s super easy for me to type comforting, supportive words on a website, but sometimes it’s not enough. Not even close.

We’ve been extraordinarily generous to those who deserved it the least: psychos, freaks, losers. Now it’s time to give to someone who truely deserves it the most: Bird and her family.

I agree with Jane. I say YAY………………i feel like my problems don’t even compare to Birds. All I can say is having two son’s has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I can remember everything about them growing up from newborns to young men with children of their own. I miss those day’s when I was daddy, now my boy’s call me DAD and my grandkids call me p-paw. Enjoy the baby bird, they grow up so fast….

I, too, say yay. I don’t have a lot to contribute at this time since filing bankruptcy, but I will give what I can. I remember those lean years raising my children, laying awake at night wondering how I’d do Christmas, so they wouldn’t be disappointed. God supplied and He does work through others to supply. Too bad we all don’t live close. Look at all the baby sitters and grannies Baby Bird could have.

I vote yes, if this is a voting thing. Jane, since you brought this up, how about you contact Donna and get an address that we can send donations via Donna to and then she can forward them on to Bird’s address, and that should be enough of a “distance” to be safe for us all and I don’t see how anyone could have an objection to that.

I feel so connected to this baby, in fact I NAMED THE BABY!!! LOL

The problem is if we all lived close, Bird would n ever get to see the baby and we would be fighting over who got to have the baby, so it is probably best we don’t! We get along so well now, but with only one baby and so many of us, it would be a CAT FIGHT! LOL

Haha…….you’re hilarious Oxy!

And I will concur with your prophetic prediction that Lil Miss Bird will most likely we gently shooed to sit in a chair while we women compete for his attention…haha. Me mostly as I never really wanted to BE a mom, but since these dang blasted hormone thingies have begun singing baby lullabyes in my ear, I’m so confused!

Anyway, I thought LoveFraud would be a wonderful site for a fundraiser for Bird, since it receives so much traffic. And there are plenty of generous, good people who may only lurk, but would be more than happy to contribute a bit of cash to help Bird and her family. What do you think?

Wow-your thoughts for my family have really touched my heart. I cried when I read it. Such kind thoughts for my family are truely remarkable to me, thank you all for such kindness.

I have been told to protect the baby that I need to opt out of support from both the father and the state. Unfortunatly, in collecting foodstamps, welfare, etc the state requires paternity testing. The state is going to get their money back somehow. It is hard to do the right thing, but from what I have read, not getting support will actually be easier on me and more importantly baby bird.

Really, I am so touched, that even your kind thoughts have changed my thinking of human nature-if even for a moment.

I could even send you a picture of the baby, if you want, if you send me an address to send it to. It would be like a cyber baby shower:)

im in maybe we could post a photo here for all to see…unless concerned about safety issues….but i think it would be most safe….good idea…we gave enough to the ugly creatures didnt we??

Thank you so much for your generous wishes for Bird. In the future, I would like Lovefraud to be able to facilitate financial support for victims of predators. I have heard such horror stories, far more than appear in the blog posts–families left homeless, people desperate to retain an attorney. Someday Lovefraud will be able to help–but we’re not there yet.

I’ll post more about the long-range plans for Lovefraud in my next article.

For now, we’ll have to throw a virtual baby shower for Bird, filled with our prayers and good wishes.

Thank you, Donna for your kind response. And I think that would be a most awesome thing to do, to set up a means to provide financial support for victims, especially from those of us who aren’t in desperate situations any longer and would dearly wish to provide help.

I’m sorely stubborn though. Is it possible to do what Oxy suggested? Forward donations for Bird and her family to you, then you forward them to her? I would love to give it a try.

Beverly:

Tolle reminds us that we are to love everyone like Jesus loved every one … even if they are the obnoxious ones (his words, mine is surface dwellers SDs for short). So that is the task at hand. We’re all coming from rock bottom for what another did to us, not that we did to ourselves, so rock bottom and we are to extend that love for all of God’s children. That is our test … can we love them in spite of what they did … not seek revenge … get over and past our pain to extend that love for God’s people no matter who they are and what they did? Love them as God loves them.

Peace. I’m in a strange mood. Just got up from a cat nap and I’m trying to shake off this mood. Not like me and I don’t know where it’s coming from. Maybe that the entire holdiay weekend was a wash in the state I’m in.

Dear Wini, I recall some way into the early part of the relationship, I looked at a saying I have from a philosopher, which says love a man even in his sin, and I took this as guidance. I sacrificed and I got badly scalded.

This was so good to read. I am going thru this very one right here. My S is talking marriage and kids with me, even speaking of relocating himself to be with me. (he lives in another state) But even tho I already had my doubts I just recently heard on my own that there are atleast 3 other woman thinking he cares for them as well in a more personal way then need be. I feel so stupid to have put my doubt off, to have said no..its different with me”He really loves me” I have been such a fool and still a fool. I havent told him I know because I know first he will be mad the way I found out, second he will give me some fake excuse knowing I will some how let what he says make sense. I always thought that it was different with a S. I thought they just took money, did bad things to you and such…well no I guess I knew after reading alot of posts from here….I saw the truth i suppose…I just didnt want to accept it. I wanted to again say thats not what it is with me and him. We love each other…we are real…..yeah a real mess!!!

learningme i feel exactly like you. i want to believe that they can change, or that love us, but its never real, we just get made out to be fools again. im in a real mess just like you

Dear learningme,

goodgle Romeobleeds and read the essays there. Ther are connections and links here but I am not sure where they are (bad short term memory! CRS~!) but it will show you that you are NOT SPECIAL TO HIM, you are just another supply of narcissistic attention for him.

I wanted to be “special” to my P-XBF too, but you know, he was a liar and a cheat—it didn’t matter if he gave me money or took money, beat me or didn’t, he was NOT WHAT HE SAID HE WAS. I was nothing “special” to him, just a “supply for today”—and supplies are like diapers, they are frequently changed.

I know it may make you feel bad that you are just another supply for him, and not special, because we all want to feel special to those that we love—he has BETRAYED YOU, and that hurts, but YOU ARE SPECIAL, YOU ARE WONDERFUL, you are MORE than the way he treats you.

You don’t have to have someone else to tell you or treat you special, you have YOU and that is the most important person for each of us. We have to grow until we realize that WE ARE SPECIAL and we DON’T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THEY TREAT US. We have a CHOICE. We can kick them to the curb.

Sure, they will turn around and give some excuse, some lie, some “reason” that it is all our fault that they behave the way they do, but remember THEY ARE THE LIE.

A person who lies to you does not love you. A person who says they love you and lies to you is trying to manipulate you.

You do not need someone in your life who lies to you, says they love you, and then manipulates you.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU ARE BETTER. He is the one that is the pond scum, the bottom feeding piece of crap.

Kick that dude to the curb, either just stop taking his calls, or if you feel you MUST, then send him an e mail and tell him NO MORE CONTACT. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, ABSOLUTELY NONE. Then stickk to that. Don’t doubt yourself, if you start to doubt, come here and post. scream, rant, rave, say whatever you must and need to, but stick with the NO contact.

He will try his best to get you back, but the abuse and lies will start right back. He WILL NOT EVER CHANGE. There are several women here whose Ps promised them “heaven on earth” and a family, etc. and guess what—they have a baby in their bellies and the man has moved on to his “newest soul mate” leaving them to have and raise the child alone, which is in some ways better than him taking an interest in the child and making both the mother’s and child’s life hell on earth.

Thank God, thank your lucky stars, thank the universe that you are not having his child.

Make a life for yourself, learn to trust and love yourself, learn the “red flags” that tip us off that someone is a psychopath or dysfunctional until we dont’ need or want that kind of person in our lives. Don’t depend on someone else to make you happy, make YOURSELF happy, and then you will find another happy person to share that happiness with. I think many of us thought that someone else could make us happy, and frankly that is just not the way it happens. We make ourselves happy, because in the end, we are the only ones who can. Happiness is a by-product of a good and responsible life, not something that someone can hand us. Winning the lotto won’t make us happy, marrying prince charming won’t make us happy if we are not happy to begin with.

It sounds like you are finally “getting it” and are on your way to freeing yoursel from his manipulation. Good for you! High five!!!!

OXY MY DEAR!!!!! you tell it like it is—-no matter how we want to sugar coat thing’s, OXY you know (who) your talkin about! POND SCUM! Bottom feeding piece of CRAP!!!!! Learning me—–I was a basket case when I logged in here a few months ago. NO CONTACT is power!~ with no contact we win—! Making change’s in our life and not looking for someone else to make us happy is scary but something we have to do so we don’t repeat the pain. It will get better, but you have to do the work!!! As someone here told me ( This is a Life Lesson don’t Fail It), OXY you ROCK GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!

OXY SPOT & STAIN REMOVER (with physcopath protection)

Oh, HENRY, you crack me up!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!

HAHA I am not making lite of anyone’s pain, this is a very painfull journey. I am starting to smile more laugh more, that is progress for me. James I really like your list with a twist! Life goes on – with or without us- I want to enjoy the ride!!!!

Dear Henry,

Laughing at ourselves is a good sign that you are lightening up, and that you are starting to recover.

I have always had a twisted sense of humor–who else would name her donkeys (asses) Fat and Hairy? Or a Cat Chairman Meow ? or a Dog Sam Spade (she’d been spayed)? And when I started to crack one-liners again, even stupid ones, I knew I was doing better.

When we are deeply buried in the pain we aren’t able to laugh and see ourselves with some humor. Humor is a healing thing. Self depreciating humor is also healing if it isn’t done in a way that puts you down. God knows we have all done some pretty dumb things from time to time, and being able to accept that part of yourself and laugh about it is a good think I think. My memory has been for crap since the airplane crash nearly 4 years ago. I HAVE TO LAUGH ABOUT IT, what else can I do? I spent enough time worrying about it, thinking that my brain had gone south! Truly concerned. Now, I just laugh about it and my kids tease me about it and we laugh about it together. I’m back to where I don’t take everything in the world so seriously that it becomes a BIG DEAL any more.

Back when I was in such pain, anything could set me off on an angry tirade, now not so much. I’m still passionate about things (that’s just ME) but I am now able to be passionate about things I care about without going “over board” on it. Well, MOST of the time! LOL I still get on my soap box from time to time, but life is starting to be funny again. and FUN again. A good laugh from a bad joke or a pun releases a lot of stress. Have a FUNNY and a FUN DAY!

Free: Yes, we are all unique. I couldn’t wait to get past my pain and get my humor back. That is what I missed the most. Now, I love to laugh, love to smile, love anything that comes into my space that tickles me. Don’t take everything so seriously as I did. I still have my convictions, but put most things in check. As Tolle explains “is that so?”. Then do nothing about it. Let everyone else throw their assumptions into the mix (good or bad), let the chaos explode … then as years go by and the dust settles … what is the TRUTH.

My truth is our country has to go into another direction. Stop this competition stuff that dates back to our great grandparents … industrial revolution and even further back. We’re considered a baby as far as the rest of the world … we need to go back into our spiritualism as a forefront, creativity, arts, love etc. And work from these concepts instead of the rock’m/sock’m attitude of being superior, cutting our competition and stepping over the bodies we leave in our wakes (I’m speaking as a country when I say our). Competition is good when you first start to build (when our country was young). After it’s up and running (in whatever direction) that competition concept is passe. Think about it? God made us all unique, each and every one of us, how can you throw something like competition into the mix and assume it’s NORMAL? NO one, and I mean no one, can compete with any one else. Period. That’s one of our first dysfunctions handed down from generation to generation. You can have a good time playing with another, but you can never compete. There is no such animal.

Enough out of my brain for now.

Peace.

I think the Server here was down – I couldnt get in!! If Im stressed, humour is the first thing to go for me, I lose the ability to naturally laugh.

Beverly: Yes, our humor is the first to go … because we are put into “fight or flight” mode. Nothing is funny when you are being attacked. That’s our built in natural instincts (from God) … stand your ground to fight … or, size up the ego standing in front of you … is it better to flee? Decisions, decisions, decisions … always having to make decisions.

Remember this:

7 Deadly SINS

Pride: is excessive belief in one’s own abilities, that interferes with the individual’s recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy: is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony: is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust: is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger: is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed: is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. I t is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth: is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

Then remember this:

Contrary, Heavenly, and Cardinal Virtues:

In this world of iniquity, they are a few gleams of hope in the mire of our shameful indulgences. Various formulations of Virtue have been proposed over the ages.

The Cardinal Virtues:
Prudence, Temperance, Courage, Justice

Classical Greek philosophers considered the foremost virtues to be prudence, temperance, courage, and justice.

Early Christian Church theologians adopted these virtues and considered them to be equally important to all people, whether they were Christian or not.

The Theological Virtues:

Love, Hope, Faith

St. Paul defined the three chief virtues as love, which was the essential nature of God, hope, and faith.

Christian Church authorities called them the three theological virtues because they believed the virtues were not natural to man in his fallen state, but were conferred at Baptism.

The Seven Contrary Virtues:

Humility, Kindness, Abstinence, Chastity, Patience, Liberality, Diligence

The Contrary Virtues were derived from the Psychomachia (“Battle for the Soul”), an epic poem written by Prudentius (c. 410).

Practicing these virtues is alleged to protect one against temptation toward the Seven Deadly Sins:

Humility against Pride
Kindness against Envy
Abstinence against Gluttony
Chastity against Lust
Patience against Anger
Liberality against Greed
Diligence against Sloth

The Seven Heavenly Virtues:

Faith Hope Charity Fortitude Justice Temperance Prudence

The Heavenly Virtues combine the four Cardinal Virtues:

Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude or Courage and Justice
with a variation of the theological virtues:

Faith, Hope, and Charity.

The origins and popular usage of this formulation are still being researched.

The Seven Corporal Works of Mercy
Continuing the numerological mysticism of Seven,
the Christian Church assembled a list of seven good works
that was included in medieval catechisms.

They are:

Feed the hungry
Give drink to the thirsty
Give shelter to strangers
Clothe the naked
Visit the sick
Minister to prisoners
and
Bury the dead

Liberality is a spirit of generosity for a proper and worthy charity that may involve the donation of our time, our money, or other possessions.

Liberality is one of the seven capital virtues. The others are humility, brotherly love, meekness, chastity, temperance, and diligence.

They are called capital because all the virtues we strive to practice are said to flow from these seven capital virtues.

Liberality is opposed to the capital sin of avarice.

Liberality is completely different from the political philosophy of liberalism. Liberality is personal rather than social, and consistent with a well formed Catholic conscience.

Avarice (from Latin avarus, “greedy”; “to crave”) is the inordinate love for riches.

Its special malice, broadly speaking, lies in that it makes the getting and keeping of money, possessions, and the like, a purpose in itself to live for. It does not see that these things are valuable only as instruments for the conduct of a rational and harmonious life, due regard being paid of course to the special social condition in which one is placed. It is called a capital vice because it has as its object that for the gaining or holding of which many other sins are committed. It is more to be dreaded in that it often cloaks itself as a virtue, or insinuates itself under the pretext of making a decent provision for the future. In so far as avarice is an incentive to injustice in acquiring and retaining of wealth, it is frequently a grievous sin. In itself, however, and in so far as it implies simply an excessive desire of, or pleasure in, riches, it is commonly not a mortal sin.

Insatiable greed for riches; inordinate, miserly desire to gain and hoard wealth.

Peace to everyone’s heart and soul. We’ll get through this. I promise.

Thankfully, my humor wasn’t touched. I was at my wittiest and had a great sense of the absurd during the time I was being S’ed.

Strangely, though, I had no idea I was being abused….at all. Not a clue.

He knew, though. I’ll never forget being so perplexed when I read his last email to me telling me he knew “I” thought I was being abused. I didn’t know… it was the furthest thing from my mind. But he knew he was abusing me and just figured I had to know.

The thing I lost was joy….but only after the breakup.

DEar Wini,

The post above is summed up as “having a moral compass” pointing in the right direction–it includes all those virtues, and the psychopath has NONE OF THE QUALITIES of which you wrote. Some of them are however, good at PRETENDING to have these things, even acting at times like they do, but it is a CLOAK of “goodness” spread over their selfish natures in which everything is done for their OWN PURPOSES, and damn the consequences to others. Thank you for that post.

A though just occured to me today, and Wini’s post drove it home. Some of us, the majority I would say, felt and even instinctively knew we were being abused by the Ps, but couldn’t breakk free for a time, and some of us didn’t know at all that we were being abused until something drove home that point.

Having had more than one P in my life, I have kind of been in BOTH of those situations. One, knowing I was being abused, and trying to stay and “fix” it, and the other side also, NOT knowing I was being abused, but feeling the PAIN during the abuse, just not quite understanding why I hurt.

This morning I was talking with a friend of mine and something HIT me between the eyes. With my mom, she frequently did things that hurt me, and kept things from me, and I didn’t understand “why”—when my step dad’s sister died, she had asked that my dad speak at her memorial service of just the family, her three biological nieces and me, my dad and my mom. They picked a day and had the little family service and buried her ashes in the grave with her parents.

Later, mom mentioned this to me, and I was DUMBSTRUCK that mom hadn’t told me about this. I was very close to my step dad’s sister, she was the one that inspired me to go to Nursing school in the first place. She had lived with us for nearly a year when I was a pre-teen and we were quite close.

I asked my mother why she didn’t let me know about the memorial service, and she said “Well it never dawned on me that you would even want to go” DUH?!?!?!?!

MIND READING. Any time she wanted to do something that she wanted to keep secret from me, she would decided what I would “think” and would not tell me about it because she ALREADY KNEW WHAT I THOUGHT—of course she was 100% wrong in all her assessments of “what I thought” about something. But she used this “mind reading” to excuse her doing whatever it was that she wanted to do to me, or justify something by “knowing what I thought” in advance, but NEVER GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE UP MY OWN MIND.

Thinking about this “mind reading” and how throughout my whole life she had used it to abuse me and I had NO CLUE. I knew it was WRONG but I never suspected that she did this deliberately until lately, last year when she excused her lies to me by saying “well I knew you would be mad and throw a fit so I didn’t tell you” (that she had given money to the Trojan Horse P)

I could come up with many many instances of where she “read my mind” and twisted my thoughts to what she wanted to “think” about me—and it was abuse that I didn’t catch as ABUSE, I just thought she was “wrong.” Now, I can see the PATTERN in her behavior and her self-excusing “mind reading game” —-I always felt cheated, and maligned because she always read malice into my “mind” that was not there.

I still don’t know WHY she didn’t want me at my aunt’s memorial service, but for whatever reasons of her own she didn’t and that was her way of keeping me away, and excusing herself of any wrong doing.

It is amazing when we are out of the FOG what we can look back and SEE as we go forward toward healing. If it had been anyone else that had “mind read” me (and always wrong) I would have begun to suspect something amiss, but with TRUSTING my mother, I knew she was “wrong” but didn’t attribute it to the malice that was there. The self excusing behaviors to cover her malice.

I listened to her words and didn’t listen to her actions, though they were repeated over and over and over to produce pain in my soul and heart.

Oxi: I think they are mostly like this because they were not taught right from wrong when they were kids (had parents that didn’t care or couldn’t care) or they weren’t paying attention (due to their ego thinking they knew a better way to live than God) when they were taught right from wrong.

Look what they’ve taken out of the school systems over the years? Thank the politicians now retired for all this crapola and their lawyers, all retired and the atheists (yeah, make me a flower??). All retired and living on the islands and booted the people who were born on the island over to the mainland. Such a joke.

This country has to bring back instilling ethics into our children. It is so lapsed out there. A free for all … graduating kids from one grade to the next just to get rid of them … who cares if they learned anything. Oprah is right, the teachers of the world are our heroes and heroines and they are FORCED to be baby sitters instead of teachers (there’s lot of teachers in my family and my circle of friends). Anyway, I think what happened over the years was the anti-social politicians and anti-this and that in positions of power wanted to divide and conquer folks so they could rule. Well, those people are dead and buried already and most of their cronies are either in prison or deceased too. So what are we doing? I think most anti-socials are dealing with the hands they were dealt. Living these frustrated lives, not caring because their environment where they came from didn’t care … they got passed through the system and didn’t fall through the cracks and land in detention to the next step of prison … they just went into corporate life and did their destruction inside of those walls, collapse of companies … on to the next company … collapse, collapse, collapse. So what do we do now, coral them all in and retrain them from the beginning. Teach them what Tolle’s book is all about how to go silent, be still, hault your crazy ego thinking mind … step by step retrain them. I think there should be a Slime Green patrol out there, capturing these people and letting the mental health folks work on them for several years. Have to incarcerate them, because they’re like babies, won’t do it on there own … you have to spoon feed them right from wrong and make them walk the righteous paths in life. For every righteous step you take, not only do you do the work up front, you learn the lessons of how to do the work. Not only learning the lessons of how to do the work, but lessons in patience etc. all the virtues I listed earlier. That’s what you learn when you walk the righteous path. And no more of this cronyism out there, sleeping with each other to get the promotion. Have a group of righteous folks overseeing them, then another group of righteous folks overseeing the righteous folks.

Peace. My brain is numb.

Thank you to you all,

This took place in anothe State and yes, I am not emailing/calling her.

She wants to meet to give me the keys (condo) but when she does contact me again, to return the keys, I will just reply something like “no need to meet, etc”.

As I am changing the locks 🙂

I hope she pays the bill (credit), and I think whe will, if she does, good, if she doesnt, good; the good thing is that I am worth way more than 1000 dlls; and I have other dear friends who would never, ever do this to me!

Thank you so much!

Yes this is true .. it only takes a moment to see the crack and then the whole structure comes tumbling down washed over by healing truth.

I appreciate the way you companioned this young women – I particularly liked your advocacy for her in making him delete the photos – I wish I had had someone batting for me in that manner at the end of my relationship. You were able to forewarm her about each stage that would descend. Most of us have to find those stages alone in confusion and despair. We don’t know about the tapes playing over and over in our minds and so take them back again and again only to be wounded even further.

I am taking this information to heart so if in the future I have someone to support who is devastated by lies, I will have some idea of what to say to them. How to lead them by strength and love combined. Thankyou for sharing your wisdom.

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