Hot. Sunny. The slits of the blinds filter the light. Dark. Light. Dark. Light. Birds twitter. In the distance, traffic hums. The city awakens.
I helped my friend’s daughter move out of her house on Saturday. My friend’s daughter who discovered one morning that her fiance whom she was to marry in August was untrue. It was a tough time. A difficult day. Yet, amidst the sadness, a day of hope took shape. A day for new beginnings took seed. New ideas were planted.
JS, the young woman who’s heart is broken, did well. He was there too. The man who has lied and deceived her. The man who promised he loved her, and only her and yet, does not deny the two other women who believe the same lie. How can it be true?
“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” said JS.
“Believe it,” I told her. “Believe it because in the willingness to accept the truth, your freedom from his lies awakens.”
We packed and carried. Talked a little bit. Not much. His presence was like a dark cloud threatening to storm. Glowering. Menacing.
In the end, she tried to remove her pictures from the computer. He had protected them. Read only. She had to ask him for help. He downloaded the photos onto CDs. “Now delete them from the computer,” she said.
“What about me?” he asked. “I want to keep the pictures of you. I want the memories.”
I could see her resolve wavering. I had stood with her while he downloaded the photos. It’s not healthy to stand alone in the presence of the man you loved and who lied with one breath. It’s not healthy. Your mind wants to play tricks on you. Your mind wants to tell you to listen to his lies one more time, just in case… Just in case this time he tells the truth.
“You have a choice,” I told him. “Delete the photos or give her the hard drive to take away and clean up.”
“I’m not going to give her the hard drive,” he said.
“Then delete the photos.”
“Why can’t I keep them. There’s one’s of me in some of them too. I want to keep the memories of my life with her for the past five years.”
“Your life with her was a lie. Delete the photos.”
“Why can’t I keep them if she can?”
“Because you cannot be trusted. You are the one who visits porn sites. You are the one who sends naked photos. Delete all the pictures she tells you to delete.”
He didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t deny. He deleted the photos.
When the packing was done, we drove in tandem, four cars carrying her possessions, back to her parents house where everything was to be stored in the garage until she could make plans for what to do next.
“Play your music loud,” I told her as we set off. “Let it blare so you can’t hear your head thinking. Your head will start to replay everything. It will want to re-write the script. It will want to change his lies to the truth. Play your music loud.”
Midway to her parents, she pulled her car over to the shoulder. We followed suit. She raced from her car to the grassy verge of the road. Knelt over, her body arched into a question mark, her shoulders shaking.
“I’m going to throw up.”
Her mother stood on one side. I stood on the other. “Breathe.” I commanded. “Breathe.”
I drew a long slow breath. In. Out. I leaned my body against hers. Wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Breathe with me.”
She began to breathe. Her body shook. Her hands could not remain still. Breathe.
She wanted to cry. She wanted to wail.
“You can’t do that yet.” I said. “Right now, you have to concentrate on driving. You have to focus on getting back to your parent’s house. That’s the job right now. Later. When you’re settled in, you can fall apart. You can wail and cry, but for now, you must not cry. You cannot fall apart.”
She nodded her head. After fifteen minutes, we got back into our cars and drove to her parents without incident.
She is a strong young woman. At twenty-three she is learning a life lesson that will forever change her perspective on love, on living, on relationship.
In time, the harsh edges of the pain will curl up and dry. The burnt embers of her sorrow will crumble and fall away. Dust to dust.
In time, the fear will ease. Slip back into the waters of life, into the river of tears flowing endlessly to the sea. Healing waters will replace the tears as she learns to live with the sorrow of having loved the one who is untrue.
In time, the sorrow will fade. Dissipate like fog in the morning sun. Rise up and clear away. Its memory a faint mist over the horizon, somewhere over the rainbow.
In time, she will smile again. Laugh again. Love again.
In time, she will see her strength. She will acknowledge her amazing courage. Her ability to do what had to be done, even when her heart was breaking.
In time, she will heal and in her healing she will rise up. A woman of strength. A woman with a powerful voice. A woman who has walked through the fires of his lies and found the courage to turn up for herself, in all her pain, in all her tears and be heard.
In time, she will heal.
And she will rejoice in the text message that tore her world apart. It brought her the freedom to find the truth and take action to save herself before she sank beneath the quagmire of his lies, lost to the world around her.
It takes time to build a web of deceit. Time to deceive the one who loves you into believing your lies are the only truth she needs to hear, to know, to see. It takes time to break apart a heart, chisel it into a million little pieces and scatter them to the winds.
It takes time to be deceived.
It takes only a moment of time for the crack in his facade to appear. It takes only a moment in time to step through the gap. And in that moment, the dam of his lies crumbles and the truth pours in.
And when we step through, when we face the lies, our hearts begin to heal. The tiny shards of glass cutting us apart from the inside out begin to soften their edges. Our hearts begin to heal as we pick up the pieces of our lives and begin the process of putting ourselves together again. Slowly, in time, we heal. We learn to sing and dance and laugh. To speak. To care and love, ourselves and those around us who are true.
And in our healing, we rise up and call out to others lost upon the road of their deceits. We call out and shine a light of hope for them to follow, away from the lies. Away from the pain of loving the one who is untrue.
In our healing, that is the gift we share. Our light for others to follow.
In time, this young woman will heal. And she will rise again. Like all of us who have survived and thrived after loving the one who is untrue. Like us, she is one strong, courageous woman. A wonderful woman of worth. A magnificent human being flying her true colors for all to see.
This is so true- it takes TIME for the s to bury you with their lies. And TIME for you to crawl out from the abyss.
Thank goodness this young woman had her family and you to help her start her climb! Without the support of my family I never could have withstood the onslaught of the p and his mother!
I have a cousin who tried to escape a very bad man- her mother basically threatened to throw her out AND took the bad man into their home. She’s been pressured to marry him and they now have a child. I look at him and can FEEL the evil radiating from him. Despite the fact I’ve NEVER said a bad word about him, he despises me- I can feel that too. I’m pretty sure that as I can see him for what he is, he sees that I am not fooled and am therefore a threat.
Most of the extended family expressed their displeasure with this “man.” But obviously the girl’s own mother and grandparents’ voices were louder. (I think the girl’s grandfather is a predator/pedophile who has never been brought to justice. He was “encouraged” to retire early because there was a THIRD sexual harassment suit filed.) This bad man the family has opened their arms to raped one of the girl’s friends (that girl was ostracized because OBVIOUSLY she lied), and my sister awakened to find him attempting to undress her. He says she wanted him to. Of course the bad man’s version of events was believed and my sister has been “forgiven” for trying to steal the bad man.
I have stayed silent, not because I don’t believe my sister or because I think he’s “ok.” On the contrary, I have stayed silent because I KNOW what it is like to have my family divided and feel like I have been ostracized by being with a bad man. She knows some of what happened to me and my kids. I hope that when she is ready to escape, if she is ever ready to escape, that I am viable option to talk to. My family tried to warn me about my bad man- I thought they were attacking ME. It wasn’t until the fog cleared that I realized they weren’t. I don’t want to add to the “attack” on her. I know, only too well, what she is going through.
It’s not a tidal wave, but maybe if each of us helps save another survivor, we’ll create a ripple…
Facing the lies – and seeing through the facade — is indeed when healing can begin.
It is only our illusions that keep us prisoners of pain.
Once we see who they really are – and that their lies/deceit/cheating has nothing to do with us – it is who they are – then we can be free.
Free to live, to love, to have a healthy relationship where turth and trust are respected and not just words from a con man.
how awful for your friends daughter….i must say it however is sooooooooo fortunate to have happenned at this age and BEFORE any marriage and chldren, which would have logarithmically increased the pain…..on a selfish note as this is a site for healing, your story FINALLT made me cry….i have needed to cry for a long time and need to cry some more…….i felt her shaking and trembling at the side of the road…that was me….in full color and drama..paralyzed…..i only wish i had had someone like you two to help me thru…..my problem is that no one can validate it for me…… to them ….its just a breakup im obsessed with and need to get over to move on….of course thats true, and i am…but the deceit and gaslighting is just something i wished they would get…but i know only someone who has been thru it will ever get it…….thats why this site has given me back my claim to sanity……thanks m.l. for that post……..terri
Glinda,
It may not be a “tidal” wave, but the waves and ripples of one person reaching out to another is the hand of God seeking to comfort His children.
There is no way I can reach back and help all of the many people who have given of themselves unselfishly to me, but if I reach my hand out forward to help another, that love flows onward and multiplies.
I was reading last night a book-length Hindu poem that explained the nature of the Hindu beliefs and I saw so many similarities between that philosophy and the philosophy of Christianity. The moral compass of helping others, being calm and at peace, in poverty or prosperity, in good or bad times, looking for the good, rooting out the evil in ourselves and in the world. Lifting out a hand of help and hope to others.
Just as the Bible has passages describing the mind-set of the psychhopath so does this Hindu poem, describing the greed and malice they exude, the damage they do to other’s lives and hearts. The Hindu philosophy is that such a person comes back into another life in a lower form to suffer for that behavior, the Christian philosophy is that the person is separated from God’s presence in Hades.
I think in many ways the psychopaths create their own lower life forms and dwell in Hades because of their spiritual vaccuum. How horrible it would be to me to contemplate living life without being able to love or be loved–if that’s not HELL ON EARTH I don’t know what is.
Oxy,
That was a lovely post. Thank you. I want to share a quote that touches me on a deeper level every time I reread it:
“Each smallest act of kindness reverberates across great distances and spans of time, affection lives unknown to the one whose generous spirit was the source of this good echo, because kindness is passed on and grows each time it’s passed, until a simple courtesy becomes an act of selfless courage years later and far away. Likewise, each small meanness, each expression of hatred, each act of evil.”
-This Momentous Day, H.R.White
Such a profound, beautiful quote. Proves how very connected we are with each other and our world. My favorite one. You know where I discovered it? In the preface of a Dean Koont’z book, titled..”Out of the corner of his eye”…haha. I’ve outgrown his writing years ago, but I still read his books for sentimental reasons. And because I genuinely like the man. He is a good man, a humble and honest man. He states he had a terrible childhood, due to his father being an abusive alcoholic. But I think he was most likely a PDI. You can tell Dean seriously LOATHES psychopaths as they are always part of his plots and they always get their comeuppance. Always. Good for you, Dean!
You also did a wonderful, kind thing by helping your young friend, ML. She most definitely needs a strong, wise, supportive friend in her life right now, and you are there for her. And you’ve been on the receiving end of a PDIs manipulations, abuse and deceit, so I’m sure your a veritable fount of information, education for her.
Bless you, ML.
This website has really helped me out alot. i’m so happy i found this website. i feel like this website is kinda like a journal, where i can write my daily issues.
Everyday my feelings change. i feel like there is no real answers. One day i want to take him back, the next day what he did to me and all the pain, is in the fore front of my mind. I cant make up my mind. Will this every go away????? Im confused on a daily basis, with no where to go! I question my choice on leaving him. part of me wants to go back, the other part of me is like r you crazy! you cant trust him, im so scared of him and the lies he could tell me again. so scared of being lied to and led to believe something else. so scared of being played with and in a fake realtionship. so scared of believing he loves me then finding out he is talking to another women!! So scared of making the wrong decsion again. so scared to believe what he is telling me that he changed and is making his life better!!!
sorry everyone, i just ramble on everyday about whatever in my own world. just feel like i have no direction and feeling lonley and sad inside!
Oxy-D,
I wanted to tell you the baby bird is about to hatch.
Today I have been contemplating the lies. The one where he said he really wanted a baby. Where he promised me a loving family. The part where we would save for college for the baby together. The part where we would buy a bigger house to raise the child together. The part where we would get married.
I asked him over and over you really want this? Are you sure you really want this? Then a week later, are you sure you want to have a baby? Then a week after that and so on. The only answer I ever got was yes, yES, YES!
And then he changed his mind when I was 6 months pregnant. He wanted to start a life with a new women halfway across the country. I wasn’t his soul mate anymore, she was. I wasn’t his spiritual companion anymore.
This is not something you can change your mind on! And today as I contemplated the whole thing, I was getting really angry. But it was only hurting me and the baby.
And so I started to expand my feelings of love. I started working towards magnanimity towards him. I started working on feeling love for him and his new found lover. I started working on love for all of my coworkers and all the people around me. And I started feeling better.
The baby bird is going to hatch any day now. And I love him. How lucky we are to love.
Blondie…..When I journal here, I can go back and read what I have said, see how I feel. This is a good place to journal and express your feeling’s. Just look at how many time’s you said the word (scared)!!!!!!! I know what you mean, scared for me was more like (confused). I was with my X 3 year’s, he has been gone almost 3 months. I am still dealing with alot of anxiety and depression and stress. But I have educated my self about personality disordered people and how I have (unknowingly) volunteered to be their victim. These people that I loved were not just disordered they are dangerous and a threat to my health and my life. It took 53 years of being a victim and losing my identity and being scared and confused to realize (I am losing it), something has got to happen. And here we are, here I educated myself about N’s P’s BPD’s. As one of the blogger’s here said to me (this is a life lesson-don’t fail it). Read everything you can, buy books, I recommend Learning from Madness by richard skerritt. It helped me alot. And as another kind blogger told me, this is about finding our (self). Looking for my self is the scariest thing I have ever had to do, but if I don’t I will be no good to anyone. Don’t go back to him, it’s just a temporary fix to a real big problem we need to face. It is going to be tough, but I am better much better than I was 2 months ago. I went to my therapist today, and she said I make her job easy. I am still hurting but if I went back to the insanity of that 3 year relationship I might as well drown myself, it is hopeless to hang on to my illusion of what I thought he was. He is a threat to my life and so is your guy…..
Thanks Henry, i did say scared alot!!! haha. its only been two weeks for me and this is one of the hardest thing ive ever had to go though.
Dear bird,
Whether or not your ex knows it, you got the best part of him. His sperm. He left you with a gift and being a mother to someone who really needs you and will love you unconditionally. I would take my kids any day over a man. Their father included. I don’t know how God views that, but my husband didn’t view his girls as part of him. They were his family. Not his brothers, sister and their families.
He was to leave them. He never did.
But having new life and being able to see life through your baby’s eyes and show him the world, is so special. That brings back memories. I had a very dear old neighbor who had 8 children. When mine came along, she told me with the voice of wisdom, that raising your children are the best years of your life. I couldn’t see it at the time, but now I can. Those years went so fast. I think the slowest part of my life were the nine months I was pregnant.
At least you won’t have someone around vying for your attention over your baby. How I wish I could go back and redo. But of course I can’t. At least you have the opportunity to be everything for your child. I have a friend who was married and 7 months pregnant. Her husband went to work that morning, kissed her, told he loved her, came home from work and said he didn’t love her anymore and he was leaving. He did. Only saw the baby one time. Her boy is now 13. She met a really nice man when her son was 2 and they’ve been together since. He’s the only father her son knows. He loves him like his own.
But she has a problem too, as good as he is to her and her son, he won’t marry her, until he feels like it. He tells her she’s too jealous and once she takes care of that he’ll consider. She thinks that’s just an excuse. I guess we just can’t have it all.
Good luck on your birth. New life is so precious. I rather envy you, having someone who really needs you and won’t judge you. You will have someone to pour your love into and you’ll be rewarded by a sweet smile.