Hot. Sunny. The slits of the blinds filter the light. Dark. Light. Dark. Light. Birds twitter. In the distance, traffic hums. The city awakens.
I helped my friend’s daughter move out of her house on Saturday. My friend’s daughter who discovered one morning that her fiance whom she was to marry in August was untrue. It was a tough time. A difficult day. Yet, amidst the sadness, a day of hope took shape. A day for new beginnings took seed. New ideas were planted.
JS, the young woman who’s heart is broken, did well. He was there too. The man who has lied and deceived her. The man who promised he loved her, and only her and yet, does not deny the two other women who believe the same lie. How can it be true?
“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” said JS.
“Believe it,” I told her. “Believe it because in the willingness to accept the truth, your freedom from his lies awakens.”
We packed and carried. Talked a little bit. Not much. His presence was like a dark cloud threatening to storm. Glowering. Menacing.
In the end, she tried to remove her pictures from the computer. He had protected them. Read only. She had to ask him for help. He downloaded the photos onto CDs. “Now delete them from the computer,” she said.
“What about me?” he asked. “I want to keep the pictures of you. I want the memories.”
I could see her resolve wavering. I had stood with her while he downloaded the photos. It’s not healthy to stand alone in the presence of the man you loved and who lied with one breath. It’s not healthy. Your mind wants to play tricks on you. Your mind wants to tell you to listen to his lies one more time, just in case… Just in case this time he tells the truth.
“You have a choice,” I told him. “Delete the photos or give her the hard drive to take away and clean up.”
“I’m not going to give her the hard drive,” he said.
“Then delete the photos.”
“Why can’t I keep them. There’s one’s of me in some of them too. I want to keep the memories of my life with her for the past five years.”
“Your life with her was a lie. Delete the photos.”
“Why can’t I keep them if she can?”
“Because you cannot be trusted. You are the one who visits porn sites. You are the one who sends naked photos. Delete all the pictures she tells you to delete.”
He didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t deny. He deleted the photos.
When the packing was done, we drove in tandem, four cars carrying her possessions, back to her parents house where everything was to be stored in the garage until she could make plans for what to do next.
“Play your music loud,” I told her as we set off. “Let it blare so you can’t hear your head thinking. Your head will start to replay everything. It will want to re-write the script. It will want to change his lies to the truth. Play your music loud.”
Midway to her parents, she pulled her car over to the shoulder. We followed suit. She raced from her car to the grassy verge of the road. Knelt over, her body arched into a question mark, her shoulders shaking.
“I’m going to throw up.”
Her mother stood on one side. I stood on the other. “Breathe.” I commanded. “Breathe.”
I drew a long slow breath. In. Out. I leaned my body against hers. Wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Breathe with me.”
She began to breathe. Her body shook. Her hands could not remain still. Breathe.
She wanted to cry. She wanted to wail.
“You can’t do that yet.” I said. “Right now, you have to concentrate on driving. You have to focus on getting back to your parent’s house. That’s the job right now. Later. When you’re settled in, you can fall apart. You can wail and cry, but for now, you must not cry. You cannot fall apart.”
She nodded her head. After fifteen minutes, we got back into our cars and drove to her parents without incident.
She is a strong young woman. At twenty-three she is learning a life lesson that will forever change her perspective on love, on living, on relationship.
In time, the harsh edges of the pain will curl up and dry. The burnt embers of her sorrow will crumble and fall away. Dust to dust.
In time, the fear will ease. Slip back into the waters of life, into the river of tears flowing endlessly to the sea. Healing waters will replace the tears as she learns to live with the sorrow of having loved the one who is untrue.
In time, the sorrow will fade. Dissipate like fog in the morning sun. Rise up and clear away. Its memory a faint mist over the horizon, somewhere over the rainbow.
In time, she will smile again. Laugh again. Love again.
In time, she will see her strength. She will acknowledge her amazing courage. Her ability to do what had to be done, even when her heart was breaking.
In time, she will heal and in her healing she will rise up. A woman of strength. A woman with a powerful voice. A woman who has walked through the fires of his lies and found the courage to turn up for herself, in all her pain, in all her tears and be heard.
In time, she will heal.
And she will rejoice in the text message that tore her world apart. It brought her the freedom to find the truth and take action to save herself before she sank beneath the quagmire of his lies, lost to the world around her.
It takes time to build a web of deceit. Time to deceive the one who loves you into believing your lies are the only truth she needs to hear, to know, to see. It takes time to break apart a heart, chisel it into a million little pieces and scatter them to the winds.
It takes time to be deceived.
It takes only a moment of time for the crack in his facade to appear. It takes only a moment in time to step through the gap. And in that moment, the dam of his lies crumbles and the truth pours in.
And when we step through, when we face the lies, our hearts begin to heal. The tiny shards of glass cutting us apart from the inside out begin to soften their edges. Our hearts begin to heal as we pick up the pieces of our lives and begin the process of putting ourselves together again. Slowly, in time, we heal. We learn to sing and dance and laugh. To speak. To care and love, ourselves and those around us who are true.
And in our healing, we rise up and call out to others lost upon the road of their deceits. We call out and shine a light of hope for them to follow, away from the lies. Away from the pain of loving the one who is untrue.
In our healing, that is the gift we share. Our light for others to follow.
In time, this young woman will heal. And she will rise again. Like all of us who have survived and thrived after loving the one who is untrue. Like us, she is one strong, courageous woman. A wonderful woman of worth. A magnificent human being flying her true colors for all to see.
HAHA I am not making lite of anyone’s pain, this is a very painfull journey. I am starting to smile more laugh more, that is progress for me. James I really like your list with a twist! Life goes on – with or without us- I want to enjoy the ride!!!!
Dear Henry,
Laughing at ourselves is a good sign that you are lightening up, and that you are starting to recover.
I have always had a twisted sense of humor–who else would name her donkeys (asses) Fat and Hairy? Or a Cat Chairman Meow ? or a Dog Sam Spade (she’d been spayed)? And when I started to crack one-liners again, even stupid ones, I knew I was doing better.
When we are deeply buried in the pain we aren’t able to laugh and see ourselves with some humor. Humor is a healing thing. Self depreciating humor is also healing if it isn’t done in a way that puts you down. God knows we have all done some pretty dumb things from time to time, and being able to accept that part of yourself and laugh about it is a good think I think. My memory has been for crap since the airplane crash nearly 4 years ago. I HAVE TO LAUGH ABOUT IT, what else can I do? I spent enough time worrying about it, thinking that my brain had gone south! Truly concerned. Now, I just laugh about it and my kids tease me about it and we laugh about it together. I’m back to where I don’t take everything in the world so seriously that it becomes a BIG DEAL any more.
Back when I was in such pain, anything could set me off on an angry tirade, now not so much. I’m still passionate about things (that’s just ME) but I am now able to be passionate about things I care about without going “over board” on it. Well, MOST of the time! LOL I still get on my soap box from time to time, but life is starting to be funny again. and FUN again. A good laugh from a bad joke or a pun releases a lot of stress. Have a FUNNY and a FUN DAY!
Free: Yes, we are all unique. I couldn’t wait to get past my pain and get my humor back. That is what I missed the most. Now, I love to laugh, love to smile, love anything that comes into my space that tickles me. Don’t take everything so seriously as I did. I still have my convictions, but put most things in check. As Tolle explains “is that so?”. Then do nothing about it. Let everyone else throw their assumptions into the mix (good or bad), let the chaos explode … then as years go by and the dust settles … what is the TRUTH.
My truth is our country has to go into another direction. Stop this competition stuff that dates back to our great grandparents … industrial revolution and even further back. We’re considered a baby as far as the rest of the world … we need to go back into our spiritualism as a forefront, creativity, arts, love etc. And work from these concepts instead of the rock’m/sock’m attitude of being superior, cutting our competition and stepping over the bodies we leave in our wakes (I’m speaking as a country when I say our). Competition is good when you first start to build (when our country was young). After it’s up and running (in whatever direction) that competition concept is passe. Think about it? God made us all unique, each and every one of us, how can you throw something like competition into the mix and assume it’s NORMAL? NO one, and I mean no one, can compete with any one else. Period. That’s one of our first dysfunctions handed down from generation to generation. You can have a good time playing with another, but you can never compete. There is no such animal.
Enough out of my brain for now.
Peace.
I think the Server here was down – I couldnt get in!! If Im stressed, humour is the first thing to go for me, I lose the ability to naturally laugh.
Beverly: Yes, our humor is the first to go … because we are put into “fight or flight” mode. Nothing is funny when you are being attacked. That’s our built in natural instincts (from God) … stand your ground to fight … or, size up the ego standing in front of you … is it better to flee? Decisions, decisions, decisions … always having to make decisions.
Remember this:
7 Deadly SINS
Pride: is excessive belief in one’s own abilities, that interferes with the individual’s recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
Envy: is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Gluttony: is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
Lust: is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
Anger: is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
Greed: is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. I t is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
Sloth: is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Then remember this:
Contrary, Heavenly, and Cardinal Virtues:
In this world of iniquity, they are a few gleams of hope in the mire of our shameful indulgences. Various formulations of Virtue have been proposed over the ages.
The Cardinal Virtues:
Prudence, Temperance, Courage, Justice
Classical Greek philosophers considered the foremost virtues to be prudence, temperance, courage, and justice.
Early Christian Church theologians adopted these virtues and considered them to be equally important to all people, whether they were Christian or not.
The Theological Virtues:
Love, Hope, Faith
St. Paul defined the three chief virtues as love, which was the essential nature of God, hope, and faith.
Christian Church authorities called them the three theological virtues because they believed the virtues were not natural to man in his fallen state, but were conferred at Baptism.
The Seven Contrary Virtues:
Humility, Kindness, Abstinence, Chastity, Patience, Liberality, Diligence
The Contrary Virtues were derived from the Psychomachia (“Battle for the Soul”), an epic poem written by Prudentius (c. 410).
Practicing these virtues is alleged to protect one against temptation toward the Seven Deadly Sins:
Humility against Pride
Kindness against Envy
Abstinence against Gluttony
Chastity against Lust
Patience against Anger
Liberality against Greed
Diligence against Sloth
The Seven Heavenly Virtues:
Faith Hope Charity Fortitude Justice Temperance Prudence
The Heavenly Virtues combine the four Cardinal Virtues:
Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude or Courage and Justice
with a variation of the theological virtues:
Faith, Hope, and Charity.
The origins and popular usage of this formulation are still being researched.
The Seven Corporal Works of Mercy
Continuing the numerological mysticism of Seven,
the Christian Church assembled a list of seven good works
that was included in medieval catechisms.
They are:
Feed the hungry
Give drink to the thirsty
Give shelter to strangers
Clothe the naked
Visit the sick
Minister to prisoners
and
Bury the dead
Liberality is a spirit of generosity for a proper and worthy charity that may involve the donation of our time, our money, or other possessions.
Liberality is one of the seven capital virtues. The others are humility, brotherly love, meekness, chastity, temperance, and diligence.
They are called capital because all the virtues we strive to practice are said to flow from these seven capital virtues.
Liberality is opposed to the capital sin of avarice.
Liberality is completely different from the political philosophy of liberalism. Liberality is personal rather than social, and consistent with a well formed Catholic conscience.
Avarice (from Latin avarus, “greedy”; “to crave”) is the inordinate love for riches.
Its special malice, broadly speaking, lies in that it makes the getting and keeping of money, possessions, and the like, a purpose in itself to live for. It does not see that these things are valuable only as instruments for the conduct of a rational and harmonious life, due regard being paid of course to the special social condition in which one is placed. It is called a capital vice because it has as its object that for the gaining or holding of which many other sins are committed. It is more to be dreaded in that it often cloaks itself as a virtue, or insinuates itself under the pretext of making a decent provision for the future. In so far as avarice is an incentive to injustice in acquiring and retaining of wealth, it is frequently a grievous sin. In itself, however, and in so far as it implies simply an excessive desire of, or pleasure in, riches, it is commonly not a mortal sin.
Insatiable greed for riches; inordinate, miserly desire to gain and hoard wealth.
Peace to everyone’s heart and soul. We’ll get through this. I promise.
Thankfully, my humor wasn’t touched. I was at my wittiest and had a great sense of the absurd during the time I was being S’ed.
Strangely, though, I had no idea I was being abused….at all. Not a clue.
He knew, though. I’ll never forget being so perplexed when I read his last email to me telling me he knew “I” thought I was being abused. I didn’t know… it was the furthest thing from my mind. But he knew he was abusing me and just figured I had to know.
The thing I lost was joy….but only after the breakup.
DEar Wini,
The post above is summed up as “having a moral compass” pointing in the right direction–it includes all those virtues, and the psychopath has NONE OF THE QUALITIES of which you wrote. Some of them are however, good at PRETENDING to have these things, even acting at times like they do, but it is a CLOAK of “goodness” spread over their selfish natures in which everything is done for their OWN PURPOSES, and damn the consequences to others. Thank you for that post.
A though just occured to me today, and Wini’s post drove it home. Some of us, the majority I would say, felt and even instinctively knew we were being abused by the Ps, but couldn’t breakk free for a time, and some of us didn’t know at all that we were being abused until something drove home that point.
Having had more than one P in my life, I have kind of been in BOTH of those situations. One, knowing I was being abused, and trying to stay and “fix” it, and the other side also, NOT knowing I was being abused, but feeling the PAIN during the abuse, just not quite understanding why I hurt.
This morning I was talking with a friend of mine and something HIT me between the eyes. With my mom, she frequently did things that hurt me, and kept things from me, and I didn’t understand “why”—when my step dad’s sister died, she had asked that my dad speak at her memorial service of just the family, her three biological nieces and me, my dad and my mom. They picked a day and had the little family service and buried her ashes in the grave with her parents.
Later, mom mentioned this to me, and I was DUMBSTRUCK that mom hadn’t told me about this. I was very close to my step dad’s sister, she was the one that inspired me to go to Nursing school in the first place. She had lived with us for nearly a year when I was a pre-teen and we were quite close.
I asked my mother why she didn’t let me know about the memorial service, and she said “Well it never dawned on me that you would even want to go” DUH?!?!?!?!
MIND READING. Any time she wanted to do something that she wanted to keep secret from me, she would decided what I would “think” and would not tell me about it because she ALREADY KNEW WHAT I THOUGHT—of course she was 100% wrong in all her assessments of “what I thought” about something. But she used this “mind reading” to excuse her doing whatever it was that she wanted to do to me, or justify something by “knowing what I thought” in advance, but NEVER GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE UP MY OWN MIND.
Thinking about this “mind reading” and how throughout my whole life she had used it to abuse me and I had NO CLUE. I knew it was WRONG but I never suspected that she did this deliberately until lately, last year when she excused her lies to me by saying “well I knew you would be mad and throw a fit so I didn’t tell you” (that she had given money to the Trojan Horse P)
I could come up with many many instances of where she “read my mind” and twisted my thoughts to what she wanted to “think” about me—and it was abuse that I didn’t catch as ABUSE, I just thought she was “wrong.” Now, I can see the PATTERN in her behavior and her self-excusing “mind reading game” —-I always felt cheated, and maligned because she always read malice into my “mind” that was not there.
I still don’t know WHY she didn’t want me at my aunt’s memorial service, but for whatever reasons of her own she didn’t and that was her way of keeping me away, and excusing herself of any wrong doing.
It is amazing when we are out of the FOG what we can look back and SEE as we go forward toward healing. If it had been anyone else that had “mind read” me (and always wrong) I would have begun to suspect something amiss, but with TRUSTING my mother, I knew she was “wrong” but didn’t attribute it to the malice that was there. The self excusing behaviors to cover her malice.
I listened to her words and didn’t listen to her actions, though they were repeated over and over and over to produce pain in my soul and heart.
Oxi: I think they are mostly like this because they were not taught right from wrong when they were kids (had parents that didn’t care or couldn’t care) or they weren’t paying attention (due to their ego thinking they knew a better way to live than God) when they were taught right from wrong.
Look what they’ve taken out of the school systems over the years? Thank the politicians now retired for all this crapola and their lawyers, all retired and the atheists (yeah, make me a flower??). All retired and living on the islands and booted the people who were born on the island over to the mainland. Such a joke.
This country has to bring back instilling ethics into our children. It is so lapsed out there. A free for all … graduating kids from one grade to the next just to get rid of them … who cares if they learned anything. Oprah is right, the teachers of the world are our heroes and heroines and they are FORCED to be baby sitters instead of teachers (there’s lot of teachers in my family and my circle of friends). Anyway, I think what happened over the years was the anti-social politicians and anti-this and that in positions of power wanted to divide and conquer folks so they could rule. Well, those people are dead and buried already and most of their cronies are either in prison or deceased too. So what are we doing? I think most anti-socials are dealing with the hands they were dealt. Living these frustrated lives, not caring because their environment where they came from didn’t care … they got passed through the system and didn’t fall through the cracks and land in detention to the next step of prison … they just went into corporate life and did their destruction inside of those walls, collapse of companies … on to the next company … collapse, collapse, collapse. So what do we do now, coral them all in and retrain them from the beginning. Teach them what Tolle’s book is all about how to go silent, be still, hault your crazy ego thinking mind … step by step retrain them. I think there should be a Slime Green patrol out there, capturing these people and letting the mental health folks work on them for several years. Have to incarcerate them, because they’re like babies, won’t do it on there own … you have to spoon feed them right from wrong and make them walk the righteous paths in life. For every righteous step you take, not only do you do the work up front, you learn the lessons of how to do the work. Not only learning the lessons of how to do the work, but lessons in patience etc. all the virtues I listed earlier. That’s what you learn when you walk the righteous path. And no more of this cronyism out there, sleeping with each other to get the promotion. Have a group of righteous folks overseeing them, then another group of righteous folks overseeing the righteous folks.
Peace. My brain is numb.
Thank you to you all,
This took place in anothe State and yes, I am not emailing/calling her.
She wants to meet to give me the keys (condo) but when she does contact me again, to return the keys, I will just reply something like “no need to meet, etc”.
As I am changing the locks 🙂
I hope she pays the bill (credit), and I think whe will, if she does, good, if she doesnt, good; the good thing is that I am worth way more than 1000 dlls; and I have other dear friends who would never, ever do this to me!
Thank you so much!
Yes this is true .. it only takes a moment to see the crack and then the whole structure comes tumbling down washed over by healing truth.
I appreciate the way you companioned this young women – I particularly liked your advocacy for her in making him delete the photos – I wish I had had someone batting for me in that manner at the end of my relationship. You were able to forewarm her about each stage that would descend. Most of us have to find those stages alone in confusion and despair. We don’t know about the tapes playing over and over in our minds and so take them back again and again only to be wounded even further.
I am taking this information to heart so if in the future I have someone to support who is devastated by lies, I will have some idea of what to say to them. How to lead them by strength and love combined. Thankyou for sharing your wisdom.