Hot. Sunny. The slits of the blinds filter the light. Dark. Light. Dark. Light. Birds twitter. In the distance, traffic hums. The city awakens.
I helped my friend’s daughter move out of her house on Saturday. My friend’s daughter who discovered one morning that her fiance whom she was to marry in August was untrue. It was a tough time. A difficult day. Yet, amidst the sadness, a day of hope took shape. A day for new beginnings took seed. New ideas were planted.
JS, the young woman who’s heart is broken, did well. He was there too. The man who has lied and deceived her. The man who promised he loved her, and only her and yet, does not deny the two other women who believe the same lie. How can it be true?
“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” said JS.
“Believe it,” I told her. “Believe it because in the willingness to accept the truth, your freedom from his lies awakens.”
We packed and carried. Talked a little bit. Not much. His presence was like a dark cloud threatening to storm. Glowering. Menacing.
In the end, she tried to remove her pictures from the computer. He had protected them. Read only. She had to ask him for help. He downloaded the photos onto CDs. “Now delete them from the computer,” she said.
“What about me?” he asked. “I want to keep the pictures of you. I want the memories.”
I could see her resolve wavering. I had stood with her while he downloaded the photos. It’s not healthy to stand alone in the presence of the man you loved and who lied with one breath. It’s not healthy. Your mind wants to play tricks on you. Your mind wants to tell you to listen to his lies one more time, just in case… Just in case this time he tells the truth.
“You have a choice,” I told him. “Delete the photos or give her the hard drive to take away and clean up.”
“I’m not going to give her the hard drive,” he said.
“Then delete the photos.”
“Why can’t I keep them. There’s one’s of me in some of them too. I want to keep the memories of my life with her for the past five years.”
“Your life with her was a lie. Delete the photos.”
“Why can’t I keep them if she can?”
“Because you cannot be trusted. You are the one who visits porn sites. You are the one who sends naked photos. Delete all the pictures she tells you to delete.”
He didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t deny. He deleted the photos.
When the packing was done, we drove in tandem, four cars carrying her possessions, back to her parents house where everything was to be stored in the garage until she could make plans for what to do next.
“Play your music loud,” I told her as we set off. “Let it blare so you can’t hear your head thinking. Your head will start to replay everything. It will want to re-write the script. It will want to change his lies to the truth. Play your music loud.”
Midway to her parents, she pulled her car over to the shoulder. We followed suit. She raced from her car to the grassy verge of the road. Knelt over, her body arched into a question mark, her shoulders shaking.
“I’m going to throw up.”
Her mother stood on one side. I stood on the other. “Breathe.” I commanded. “Breathe.”
I drew a long slow breath. In. Out. I leaned my body against hers. Wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Breathe with me.”
She began to breathe. Her body shook. Her hands could not remain still. Breathe.
She wanted to cry. She wanted to wail.
“You can’t do that yet.” I said. “Right now, you have to concentrate on driving. You have to focus on getting back to your parent’s house. That’s the job right now. Later. When you’re settled in, you can fall apart. You can wail and cry, but for now, you must not cry. You cannot fall apart.”
She nodded her head. After fifteen minutes, we got back into our cars and drove to her parents without incident.
She is a strong young woman. At twenty-three she is learning a life lesson that will forever change her perspective on love, on living, on relationship.
In time, the harsh edges of the pain will curl up and dry. The burnt embers of her sorrow will crumble and fall away. Dust to dust.
In time, the fear will ease. Slip back into the waters of life, into the river of tears flowing endlessly to the sea. Healing waters will replace the tears as she learns to live with the sorrow of having loved the one who is untrue.
In time, the sorrow will fade. Dissipate like fog in the morning sun. Rise up and clear away. Its memory a faint mist over the horizon, somewhere over the rainbow.
In time, she will smile again. Laugh again. Love again.
In time, she will see her strength. She will acknowledge her amazing courage. Her ability to do what had to be done, even when her heart was breaking.
In time, she will heal and in her healing she will rise up. A woman of strength. A woman with a powerful voice. A woman who has walked through the fires of his lies and found the courage to turn up for herself, in all her pain, in all her tears and be heard.
In time, she will heal.
And she will rejoice in the text message that tore her world apart. It brought her the freedom to find the truth and take action to save herself before she sank beneath the quagmire of his lies, lost to the world around her.
It takes time to build a web of deceit. Time to deceive the one who loves you into believing your lies are the only truth she needs to hear, to know, to see. It takes time to break apart a heart, chisel it into a million little pieces and scatter them to the winds.
It takes time to be deceived.
It takes only a moment of time for the crack in his facade to appear. It takes only a moment in time to step through the gap. And in that moment, the dam of his lies crumbles and the truth pours in.
And when we step through, when we face the lies, our hearts begin to heal. The tiny shards of glass cutting us apart from the inside out begin to soften their edges. Our hearts begin to heal as we pick up the pieces of our lives and begin the process of putting ourselves together again. Slowly, in time, we heal. We learn to sing and dance and laugh. To speak. To care and love, ourselves and those around us who are true.
And in our healing, we rise up and call out to others lost upon the road of their deceits. We call out and shine a light of hope for them to follow, away from the lies. Away from the pain of loving the one who is untrue.
In our healing, that is the gift we share. Our light for others to follow.
In time, this young woman will heal. And she will rise again. Like all of us who have survived and thrived after loving the one who is untrue. Like us, she is one strong, courageous woman. A wonderful woman of worth. A magnificent human being flying her true colors for all to see.
This article I had my daughter read too, as she is 22 and was involved with a sociopath for five years. “That’s intense, Mom”.
My words exactly.
Lesson learned,
Educating yourself and helping your daughter to educate herself (you unfortunately can’t do it for her but you can support her in doing it herself) are two of the most important things you can do for yourself and for her in my opinion.
I hope she will come here and read as well.
Ox, I’m working on it. I’ve told her about this site and what I’m learning. She’s EXTREMELY bright and intuitive. She’s in a period of growth too right now. I’m giving her the space to just consider what she wants to do with her life. The man took a heavy toll on her life.
All I can do is be there for her and share what I’m learning. I’ll keep doing so too. I hope the path she walks, will turn out to be much better than what has been mine.
Yea, learned, we must learn for OURSELVES, and it is like child birth, people can hold our hands but WE have to do the PUSHING! and the hurting! No matter how much you love her, she has to do it for herself. At least she has you to validate her pain, and to be there to hold her hand. So many of us have NO ONE except people here on this blog who truly understand what we have experienced. Your daughter is fortunate that you DO know what she has experienced is “worse than” a normal break up. That will mean a lot to her is my guess.
Want to share a letter from ex-stepmother-in-law to MY mother.
She says that she hasn’t written becasue she doens’t know what to say; that she and my ex-father-in-law are very upset about my and stbex’s relationship and don’t know what caused all this; that he won’t say anyting to them; they have no contact with me; and that my mom is still part of the family and is invited to spend time with them in their winter/retirement home.
I can’t repeat the letter, but it was guilt tripping, blaming me for mysteriously up and ending the perfectly good marriage, and insidiously prying through my innocent mother who doesn’t speak English well since they couldn’t get any dirt out of me.
BTW they NEVER call my mom to see how she is, or to visit her and it’s b/s that she’s “family.” Also they never called me to see how I”m doing although they sold me the same baloney when we separated that I was still part of the family and they wouldnt’ take sides. And recently they called on Thanksgiving leavign a message “happy Thanksgiving, but would you tell GD to bring this sticker we need from the car we gave her.”
Also, I’ve been hiding from him, in fear, and I just can’t break this fear mode. I don’t answer my own phone in my own house because I know it’s him calling. On Thur. I WENT to D’s game. It was horribly hard, and I dont’ know how to break through the fear I feel in his presence. He ran down the bleecher stairs close to where I sat during a break, and I felt the hole in my stomach from his passing by me.
Then, after game as I waited to see if D would go home with me, all parents left and I sat with a few kids around, by myself. He approached in front of me, facing me, and as soon as I sensed him come near I would not make eye contact, I just turned my body away from him to avoid talking to him or seeing him. I hate that about me, that I don’t feel bold to just look him in the eye and tell him super calmly to please go as I don’t want to speak to him. If he has something to say to write it in a letter.
I just turned away instead, and he then kept walking.
ANd then, the worse thing, I see his back, and his pants are sagging on him like he lost a lot of weight and his hair is all white, and long and he looks liek an old man. And I felt SORRY for him,and guilty!!
Later I learned from D. that the reason why he’s not spending time with her during holidays is bec. he is away in another state SKIING. What?
I am upset that he hasn’t paid child support, gave me a song and dance in a condescendng tone how I DO have the c.s…..it’s too painful to repeat, it’s so sickening, didn’t give his daughter any presents as far as I know–she says he gave her an iTunes card, but I think she lied to me bec. I didn’t see one or see her getting any songs…she is just covering for him…ANd he is happily spending $ on himself to go skiing. Last year this time he went for a week to JAMAICA which also cost a few thousand–on just him.
Why do I care? Why is it any of my business what he does. It just angers me that he is using money to play games wit hme with child support which is for HIS CHILD, and legally is being stubborn and bickering over money, pleading poverty, while he is liivng it up with vacatons….YUCK YUCK YUCK and his lawyer uses these phrases pleading on his behalf, “assuming he continues to work” as if he is ill and unable to work….
Ah….I just had to vent….I am rambling.
As much as I tell myself, go to the games, think of your kid, forget him, ignore him, he doens’t exist, be tough….it is still so hard. I am still under his spell so to speak and unable to keep inside my own body and mind, NOT ALLOWING his behavior or his presence to influence my reality, my feelings, my thoughts.
If you all have advice or experience how to stay present for myself and within myself when I am clearly perturbed by him, and I feel that horrible feeling n the pit of my stomach when he is near….what do you do? How do you calm yourself and regain control over yourself?
Argh I hate that feeling of being out of control of myself and feelign the fear and letting him get to me, and worse, showing that he got to me.
Do you think that my turning away as he approached to say something was cowardly? Whatever he would have said would have been bad….maybe even pretend to wish happy holidays? To show his pitiful sad eyes and guilt trip me? ANYTHING he would have said would have just been bad….but I didn’t have the strength to face him. To see his eyes.
Dear DW,
No I do not think it was “cowardly” but I think YOU think it is, but you are NOT ready yet to face and confront him, but you WILL BE IN TIME…give it time and quit feeling guilty about how you don’t stand up to him, YET!
After the plane crash that killed my husband one of the young boys that was in the plane was in the hospital critically burned and his parents wanted me to go see him almost daily. It is a 60 mile 1-way trip, plus it was SOOOOO painful for me to do and for a while I did it like 2 x a week but it took so much out of me that I DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE, but I felt soooo guilty that I didn’t want to go. But I finally got up the nerve to NOT go, because it was too much.
Only you can decide when it is too much for you to go to the games. Or only you can decide when it is too much for you to look at him, or stand up to him, but don’t beat yourself up for not making eye contact yet.
Consider all that you have been through in the past few months, and how much stronger you are NOW than you were only 6 months ago.
YOu will learn to stand up to him when you are ready. Yes, he is a jack ass, and yes, he is selfish and yes, he enjoys making you uncomfortable, but you are growing stronger each day and when you are ready you WILL STAND UP TO HIM! Keep on taking those small steps. YOu cannot change him, but you can change your response to him.
I am sure your daughter is embarrassed that he didn’t get her anything, and that is normal for her to feel that way.
As for your OUT LAWS, tell your mother that they are lying and that they are just trying to get information and to ignore them. I think you have “got their number” and know the truth! Peace! This pain will pass, slowly maybe, but it too shall pass. ((((Hugs))))
DW, I do not think you were cowardly. I think our minds start healing, but our hearts take time to catch up. You are not under his spell!!! You are in the healing process, you know what he is, it hurts, and I agree with Oxy, the pain will pass, feel it, don’t be afraid of it, it will leave you. Love yourself the way you love your daughter, she is precious to you, and you should think of yourself in the same way.
I wish there was some way you could document this skiing trip for the court!
Don’t let him guilt trip you, know that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, even the sagging pants/pitiful look is B/S to me.
When will my time come? I’ve read SO MANY books and blogs here on LF and they do help me…for a while…before the hopelessness and sadness comes back again. I feel almost embarassed and ashamed to even post anything here because I don’t seem to be growing or healing like most people are here. I am stuck…it’s been 2 years and 10 months since the breakup but I’m still here…stuck and unable to move on. I feel such a failure for not being able to move on with my life. I should be counting my blessing that man is gone after all the deception, lying and cheating yet after all that, my heart still aches for him. What’s wrong with me? I am just so messed up. I feel so damaged after that relationship. I have been living without hope or joy for almost 3 years. I am losing all hope I will ever truly get over this man and relationship. I feel so lost.
((((Deceived)))))
Firstly, each individual’s healing time is different- it can be based on a lot of factors- how long you were involved with the psychopath, the circumstances of the encounter, the degree of damage, your access to support, your individual personality… so many things ( i just listed these as they came off the top of my head- but its different for everyone and there’s more to this list. )
You may also be struggling with PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ) – if you’re unfamiliar with this- I would look into it. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is like a reverberation of the trauma…
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a “trauma injury” as outlined in this post at the maskofsanity blog. I would suggest you look over the symptoms she lists- do you feel that they illustrate what you’re going through?
I want to emphasize above all- don’t compare your healing to that of others. Healing is not a competition. It is an individual and deeply personal journey. It varies amongst everyone. I know I, like you- wondered about recovery time- how long it should take, etc etc following my first encounter with a P. Don’t think about the time- just take it day by day and be patient with yourself. You will get past this. You will heal. You are in the process.
I also recommend for reading : this very important article entitled “Healing Facts”
It lists and elaborates on 5 common myths about healing…
I know how frustrating it can be- I know it seems sometimes that there is no end in sight. But bear with me, you will get through this. You will overcome this. What you encountered was as abnormal as it gets. Your mind, soul, and body need a lot of time to recover. And you will. And you are.
((((bighugs))))
((Deceived))
healing is a process. That means you will take a few steps forward and a few steps back. It is also a period of growth where you learn about yourself and hopefully not to be afraid.
Often times, when I blog here, I write what I know, but it isn’t alway what I feel. blogging is a way of “preaching to myself”, as Oxy says. The more I speak the truth, the more I learn to feel it.
You know what else? There are layers in us. The bad thoughts and feelings that the spaths put on us, never go away. Instead, we layer good ones on top and tell the bad ones to go to sleep. But they’re always there, in our memories of how we felt at one time.
Don’t expect the bad to go away, instead, layer good memories on top.