I receive a weekly newsletter from Brian Willis at Winning Mind Training. In his latest newsletter he quotes Lon Bartel, a law enforcement trainer in Arizona who said, “People change out of desperation or inspiration. Desperation results in short term change. Inspiration, results in powerful and lasting change.”
When I was in relationship with the sociopath, I made desperate changes. Living in constant fear, I was desperate to keep him happy. In my desperation, I contorted and distorted myself to fit the image he told me I had to fit. Most of what I did was about keeping him happy and my life, as it were, intact. Often, the changes I made were ‘inspired’ by his anger. I would do just about anything not to have to experience his anger, and he knew it. Because I believed him when he told me I could never be free of him, I didn’t look beyond the narrow corridor of my life with him, to see that away from him was where real change happened. Away from him was where my freedom started.
Using intermittent reinforcement, he trained me to be his co-conspirator in my self-destruction. He would rage and I would succumb. The breaks between rage and ‘happiness’ grew shorter and shorter, and I became less and less willing to tempt the fates by disagreeing with him. I learned very quickly that my silence and acquiescence bought his ‘good humour’. Eventually, it took less energy on his part to keep me silent as I fell beneath the weight of the sorrow that was pervading my life and my fear of his anger. Desperate for the return of Prince Charming, I kept letting go of what I knew to be right so that I wouldn’t have to face the Prince of Darkness raging before me.
And then, one day he was arrested and I was set free. In that moment I was inspired to make lasting change. To accept the gift of his removal from my life as a miracle, and to soar free.
Lasting change comes easy when we are inspired to create the life of our dreams away from abuse.
I am often contacted by women and men who are involved with an abuser. They write to tell me their stories, and to ask me how they can change what is happening in their lives. My response is always — love yourself enough to know you deserve more than his/her abuse. Love yourself as an abused woman/man and give yourself the gift of freedom by naming what he/she is doing and choosing to accept you have the power to change your life. You can’t change him/her. In fact, whether or not he/she can change is not the question. Are you willing to make an inspired change in your life by stepping away from him/her and stopping the abuse in your life?
Sounds easy — it’s not when the abusers voice is roaring through your mind, telling you lies you can’t believe but don’t dare disbelieve.
One of the hardest aspects of leaving an abuser is naming what they’re doing as abuse. Our minds recoil from the reality, fall back from the precipice of the truth. How could someone who says they love me, willing, knowingly, consciously choose to hurt me?
Believe it. Name it. They will. They can. They do.
Accepting that truth is frightening. If they could do it willingly, then what role do I play in what is happening, in what happened? Answering that is tough. We don’t want to be participants in abuse, and so cannot accept that we had something to do with what has happened to us.
The inspired choice, the choice that will create lasting change, is to accept — I am 100% accountable for what happened to me. Doesn’t make what he/she did right. And it doesn’t make me accountable for what he did. Abuse is never right. What it means is, I accept I can’t change the past, or what he’s doing. I can, however, turn up for me today and take 100% responsibility for what I do, right now, in this moment.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson
It accepting that I am 100% accountable for my life today, I also accept I have the power to make inspired, not desperate changes. I accept the challenge of choosing long term change over short term relief from his/her abuse.
Hard stuff. Life changing. Liberating. But hard.
When we ‘love’ someone who is an abuser, our minds become twisted into the insanity of their crazy-making behaviours. Love shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but we begin to accept the pain of loving them as part of the norm of our existence. In that acceptance, we let go of our belief in our right to live free of abuse. For some, living free of abuse has never been their reality. For others, the crazy-making of the abuser is new — and thus, a surprise, an unbelievable occurrence in their lives. Regardless of whether we were conditioned to accept abuse or accept it because of current conditions, we repeatedly explain it away when we say, “I can’t believe this is happening to me”.
Believing we are being abused is the first step to creating lasting change.
Believing we have the power to change our lives — and acknowledging we cannot change the abuser, is the next step.
Inspired change requires courage. It takes guts and it takes a commitment to self that overrides the voices in our heads telling us ‘this (the past, abuse, pain and turmoil…) is all we deserve’.
No one deserves abuse. No one deserves to live in fear.
And no one can give us the gift of freedom except ourselves.
You know what guys.. you know why I think they leave us? I don’t think they are discarding us in their minds.. I think they feel like they are about to be “made” (unmasked).. so they just bolt.
The new peeps they draw in is not about people to them, to us it looks like the betrayal of love.. to them I don’t think there is any more to it than another patch of camouflage to hide in.
They are just trying to make themselves look good with someone else, in case we blow up and tell the world.. I now advocate tattling, at least to the general public, because dammit, the only reason these people get away with this stuff is because victims don’t band together.
I got saved from a bigtime S one time by a group of ladies that had formed a “society” to get the word out. They had all been taken in by the same man, who at last count had over ten kids spread around Michigan, and proposing to at least three women a year, (while living off his wife’s inheritance money.. oy).
ML,
A few months ago you commented on one of my posts about responsibility and fault. I was having a hard time coming to terms with my part in things. What you wrote helped me turn a corner in my healing. I just want to thank you. I still have a way to go, but the times of clarity and “inspiration” are longer and much more frequent now. I have made the choice to be 100% accountable for my life today.
I also want to say how no contact was and is critical for me. The longer I go without his twisting my reality, the stronger I get. I no longer feel crazy. ( I have to text with him-we have a son. It’s funny, even in the texts he won’t answer a yes or no question with yes or no. He goes into a story – not easy to do in a text message.)
I realised that my ex-P kept me in line (so to speak) by expressing hurt and disappointment, rather than rage and aggression.
How did he know that would work with me? I inadvertently told him it would. Early on in our relationship I mentioned that I had often witnessed casual violence growing up and I’d promised myself that if a man ever hit me I would hurt him back twice as badly. I also told him that my mother rarely had to spank me as a child because just telling me she was disappointed in me made me feel awful and wanting to make it up to her.
It’s amazing how he used every scrap of information I gave him, in ways I would never have imagined. More interesting than that however, is how I responded to the same triggers from childhood to adulthood. All it took was for anyone I cared about to tell me I had disappointed them or hurt them through my behaviour and I would be devastated. I hated thinking that I had hurt someone I loved and would do anything and everything to make it up to them. I think I over-empathised because it would seem to me that I was actually feeling the pain they were experiencing, or rather, said they were experiencing.
Ive have just joined this blog and find everybody’s comments really inspiring as i have recently been taken advantage of by a sociopath and a clever one too.He never used violence just a lot of evil mind games and was a money user. hes now gone off with another woman and they are together right now which hurts so much because i gave him everything my love, my money, my time and now hes found someone else whos got more money and more status than me and has just tossed me to one side and is throwing it in my face and keeps on going on how pretty she is etc and just makes fun of me now.
how do u stop the mental hurt of all this? because he and her are in the same circle of friends as i am and she seems to be enjoying all this aswell. i wish they would both just disappear because i do believe in the no contact heals but i cant seem to get away from them and as a result every minute of my day is filled with all the hurt of the past and new fear and hurt of seeing them together again soon. but i think both of them are getting a kick out of this because when i see them together they both look at me and smile like its some kind of game. but it hurts so badly i feel so used, disrespected laughed at. And the worse thing everyone thinks hes great and because hes hanging around with this new girl all the people we know are all more friendly with them now, im just left on the sidelines like they know hes dumped me for her but they don’t care because they just think hes a top man. Infact im treat a bit like dirt now, this was not meant to of happen all I wanted for me to be friends and to be happy. I don’t like evil mind games and all this manipulation to get what you want at all cost despite the other person feelings, its all so wrong but im starting to feel like am I the only one left in our circle of people who has any morals or feelings for others?
I’ve spoken to some very close friends about it as a support but all i get from them is: oh just get over it or just forget about them. but i think about the situation every single day no matter how much self-help stuff i read. It really hurts and is making me ill, my personality has change so much over the past few months, and all aspects of my life is suffering because of this I want to change I want to move on, how do I change after the aftermath of this sociopath?
Sorry if I have posted in the wrong bit I am new to this blog site but I am so glad I have found it. X
Dear Maria
Welcome to the site. I’m so very sorry that you were hurt by this man and you’re going through such a difficult time. My heart goes out to you.
Rest assured, on this site you will be believed and supported. We know what you’re going through. You can’t just “get over it”. It will take time and lots of healing first and it’s ok to take as long as you need.
I know you mentioned that you and your ex have the same circle of friends but it is very important that you establish No Contact. He will play his mind games for as long as he still has contact with you. Even if it means you don’t see your friends for a while you must stay away from him. Please, please try to do this…I know it’s very difficult.
In the mean time, do you have at least one friend who sees how serious this is and who will listen to you?
Kat – In one thread you talked about our “loss” in another you compared them to “demon’s” – someone said they will never be the same. I am fighting the urge (already) to have my internet reconnected at home. I deleted all his pictures. Sometime’s it feel’s like I am winning, but for the most part I am a mess. I will never be like I was before him. I hope I come out better on the other side of this. But f–k you would think after 4 month’s I could get a grip on this….I hate to even blog on here I am so embarrased that I still think of him every waking moment. He is a big lie, nothing but pain would I get if he came back. But the pain I am in now is at times unbearable. This is horrible to say but it would be easier if he had died, at least there would be some kind of closure….
AHA … YES, it would be FAR easier if he died!!! and i think that’s okay. i’ve said that many times since i found out the level of betrayal my p/s perpetrated on me. i wish i never met him, i wish i never knew there was anyone like him living on this earth, and i wish he would die. and so what. after what we have endured i think it’s a completely normal response to a completely abnormal situation, AND a completely abnormal person! i just found out this morning from a mutual friend that he was actually bragging to his ‘buddies’ about coming over here to be with me, eating my lovingly-prepared dinners, takinga nap, showering and then going over to boink his new way-younger girlfriend — the one who is now pregnant!
yea, closure in whatever way, would be a good thing.
i’m hoping i can recover enough of a life to NOT think about him every minute (which i’m still doing). the guy is a total PSYCHOPATH!! he actually told me “you’re the last woman i’ll ever do this to.” well, that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER!
but i know it’s a lie, like everything else was. Hang in there. Karma is koming!
Maria,
Welcome to LF. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. So sorry to hear your pain. You don’t deserve what’s happened to you. It is despicable what sociopaths do! Please know you are not alone in what you’re experiencing. Myself and most of us here have or are going through what you’re experiencing right now. We’ve found this site so helpful as so many people in our lives didn’t get it or were manipulated by the sociopath and so never saw the truth.
Part of what sociopaths do is just what he’s doing to you right now. He has to maintain that “top man” image you described at all costs. So he makes you the enemy and wins over your mutual friends. Usually they do this by lying and saying bad things about you behind your back. I’m sorry. You’re right that they play evil mind games and use manipulation at all costs to get what they want despite your feelings. In fact they don’t care about anyone’s feelings either only their opinions of him and their attention in order to maintain that fake image.
To be devalued and discarded like that from someone who is just a user and abuser is traumatic and painful. Especially someone we loved and gave so much of ourselves to. But sociopaths will get others to do their dirty work just as he’s getting his new victim (she’s not his g/f, there’s never a real relationship there, she is another object to him that he will use and abuse like you, don’t forget that) and others to ostracize you. He may be passing off the break-up like it’s nothing or telling them a different story than the truth. It’s a huge betrayal to our emotions and to everything we know that’s good and decent.
But these folks aren’t good and decent as you know. As for other close friends, they often don’t get it. They will say exactly what yours have said. “Just get over it “and “forget about them”. I do think that they believe they are being helpful. However, they don’t fully understand what you’ve just gone through and their words are often invalidating.
There is a thread here about the steps to recovery. You can find it if you use the search option. It’s important that you understand the steps to recovery so you know that you’re OK. What you’re experiencing is normal although it feels very abnormal. It’s a psychological trauma. What you’re describing is common as a result of that.
Changes in personality (i.e., losing a sense of who we are), intrusive thoughts about the abuse and becoming physically ill are, unfortunately, all parts of it. Parts I also experienced. My abuse was pervasive in all aspects of life as I had difficulty concentrating, withdrew from friends and family who didn’t understand what was happening to me, had difficulty doing everyday things, suffered at work trying to concentrate, had constant anxiety which increased when out in public, couldn’t seem to shut my mind off as intrusive thoughts kept flooding in, felt I was obsessing day and night, etc.
I would encourage you to tell someone whom you trust about sociopaths and help educate them on what you’ve learned and what you’re experiencing. Let them know your need for support and how all this has affected you. Building a support network is crucial. Many of us use LF as part of that process. It’s difficult for others to understand unless they’ve experienced PTSD or abuse. But it’s worth trying to get that support. Some of us see therapists and some even take medications to address the symptoms of anxiety and depression experienced after the abuse. It’s a personal choice. But make sure to find a therapist, if you’re interest, who has experience with treating trauma from abuse and PTSD and who knows about sociopathy (has experience with treating victims of sociopaths). This is important or else your therapist may invalidate you like your friends have without meaning to.
If you haven’t learned about narcissitic abuse I’d encourage you to read up on that as well as trauma, betrayal bonds and psychological trauma. Understanding what you’re going through often makes it less scary. You can also look up how to cope with trauma for additional resources on what to do. I would encourage you to have no contact with your ex and to stay away from those who continue to trigger your pain and devalue you. I know that this may feel like a loss but if that circle of friends is drawn into your ex’s web, they are lost right now. If they don’t see that what he did was wrong and how it’s hurt you then you want to make sure you spend time with people whom you can trust and who are safe people to you. I doubt what they’re doing is intentional, they’re most likely being manipulated by him too. Staying away also helps you avoid being further harassed by being laughed at. That is bullying and just plain wrong! Unfortunately, it’s par for the course with a sociopath.
Part of the recovery process is to think about it all the time. It is our brain’s way of handling the abuse. We thought one way and believed one thing about the sociopath and were somewhat brainwashed into looking at them a certain way. Then suddenly the switch and everything about them is a lie. You realize you were victimized and this is a heady process for our brain to cope with. In it’s defense, our brain continues to process and reprocess details of that experience. That fight or flight mode kicks in to protect itself. To reach some understanding of a situation that is againt our very nature of the world as we know it is hard. It takes time for this to stop. Talking about it and working through it to understand your experience is extremely helpful. Blogging on here is a great step as well as we all understand what you’re going through and we’re here to help and support you. But don’t negate the power of talking to someone about it person.
The aftermath of these folks make us feel crazy because of what their abuse does to us mentally and physically. But you are OK. Please tell yourself that. Your body is an a state of hyperalertness right now for a reason. It has been traumatized. You asked how to change all this. It’s more a process of healing. You can’t rush it and shouldn’t. It is uncomfortable but trying to move past it too quickly could make it more difficult. You can get stuck on judging what’s happening and not allowing your mind and body the time it needs to heal. The best thing you can do is to find people you can trust to talk to and who support you. Take care of yourself and understand what you’ve been through. Move away from things and people who trigger you. Don’t avoid others though and don’t isolate. Try to spend time with others but also respect your need to be alone when you need to. Find the balance that works for you.
Take care of yourself. Soothe yourself with things that in the past made you feel better. Learn relaxation strategies to manage and reduce anxiety (like relaxation breathing). Some of us pray and turn to our spiritual beliefs to strengthen us. Meditate, light candles, etc. Take walks and exercise to help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. Read or watch “safe” movies to take your mind off the pain as means for distraction to get a break from intrusive thoughts. Journal to express your feelings and problem-solve ways to address stressors. Draw or paint as this is actually a common tool to healing from trauma (right brained activities are good…these are usually creative activities which help your brain to process the trauma).
Part of recovery is also working on remembering and recognizing who you are. Your identity gets challenged by the nature of the abuse by the socioipath who exploits what’s good in you and projects what’s bad in them onto you. What you’re experiencing is not permanent in terms of changes to your personality. His devaluation and discarding of you, in itself, is enough to affect your self-esteem negatively. In addition, you’re most likely not feeling in control of your thoughts and your behavior has changed. So much about you may feel foreign right now. It’s important to recognize why and not be frightened by it. The more distance and time away from your ex and those who trigger you, the more this will change as you’ll start to untangle the confusion your mind is going through.
Take care of your physical health. Make sure that you’re eating right and getting the rest you need. Exercise is also helpful in getting rest. All these things can be very difficult right now but try your best. I know I lost my appetite and had to make sure I ate and had to stay away from caffeine for a long time as this made my anxiety worse. I also got very sick afterwards but my body healed once I was able to regulate my diet and sleep cycle. What is happening to you is the physiological response to trauma and abuse.
Also, try to maintain a normal routine. Structure your day. Our worlds become disordered in response to the trauma. So try to bring back some order. Do the same things each morning, day and night. There can obviously be variation but having some consistent things you do each day can help. Like taking a brief walk before work or make yourself a decaf cup of coffee, eat breakfast while reading the comics or do a morning devotional or meditation. Take a break during work and do something that feeds you. For instance, journal about how your day is going or get some thoughts and feelings off your chest through writing. Bring your favorite snack, take a brief walk by going outside and getting a change of atmosphere, take time to socialize with co-workers, etc.. At night, create a routine to get ready for bed. For example, drink a hot cup of decaf tea and read or watch you favorite tv show or dvd (tv may trigger you unexpectedly so be careful), do a devotional or meditation.
Think of things that feed you positively and attend to these. Even if you don’t feel anything in the moment, in time it will have more effect on you than you may realize. This could be church, a social club, a gym, etc. Also stay away from anything that may worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression. I mentioned caffeine but alcohol and drugs (of course not just illicit drugs..I’m not implying you abuse substances LOL but some prescription and over-the counter drugs) can also exacerbate symptoms.
OK, I know this is a novel but I wanted to try to answer your question as thoroughly as I could LOL. My last bit of encouragement is to keep sharing with us and let us know how you’re doing! Share the good, the bad and the ugly. This place is so supportive and such a gift to all of us. We’re in this together as we explore ways to heal and share our experiences. If you take care of yourself and treat the symptoms of the trauma and process it in healthy ways, you will get there! It takes time so please be patient and good to yourself!!!
Henry and Lostingrief…I love you guys!!! You say it like it is! Despite your fears about recovering past the stage of obsessive thinking, I have every confidence that you will. I broke up with my ex at the end of June last year. We had intermittent contact until November (not much face-to-face at all). But between June and November was the worst of the abuse and manipulation actually. The last actual face-to-face encounter was in May of this year when I knew who I was dealing with but was still in and out of denial. So I don’t know how you measure that in time…from the break-up, last contact or what? LOL But look at the time that has passed. Now how long has it been for both of you? Also, I live in a different state and don’t have to have contact with him. Although he blogs his life away online, it’s taken me a long time not to give into temptation and check on what he’s been up to. It only led to grief and more anger knowing how grandiose he is and such a liar and manipulator. If only people knew the truth!
I want to emphasize that we all work within our own timeframe. My “relationship” lasted a whole 4 months (the time we were actually together as a couple). In sum, he was a part of my life for about one year. Look at how long it’s taken me to get to where I am from that. The obsessive thinking has pretty much stopped and thoughts of him do not pervade my very existence anymore. I can still be triggered and I still have a ways to go but I feel like I’m past a majo
r hurdle. You both will too in time. Time my friends! Time!
It is an agonizing experience isn’t it? I had PTSD in 2005 and I thought I’d never be the same. Depending on the trauma, length of exposure and nature of it, and other variables, the time to recover varies. But both of you are working on recovery and will get there. I have no reason to doubt otherwise. Henry, you WILL be better for this. Lostingrief, you WILL have a life that doesn’t include thoughts of him. Believing in this and being determined to reach this is important. Telling yourself differently is self-defeating and this happens often due to the depression we expereince as a result of the trauma. They hurt our self-esteem and we end up developing negative self-talk as a result.
I’m pulling out Oxy’s skillet Henry!!! She’d be all over you right now but in that sweet way she has about her that makes us all smile! Love yourself Henry. Love yourself Lostingrief. Make up for the love you were deprived of from those psychos!!! You are free and can gain such wisdom and power through what you’ve experienced. It may feel like it sucks right now and it does. But please get yourselves out of self-defeating thinking and behavior when you see it. Do something nice for yourselves. For some reason when we’re traumatized we seem to temporarily lose our ability to nurture ourselves. Nurture guy!!! Go eat your favorite ice cream, watch your favorite movie, listen to uplifting music (no sad love songs Henry!), etc. Even if it feels like pulling teeth do it until it feels good! Am I being bossy or what? LOL Oh but don’t stop venting on here! Get it out and then go take caer of yourselves.
Hearing that you both are at a place where you recognzie that it would be easier if your exs were dead is actually great! I told my ex this while we were still in contact LOL! You two are so right. The loss we experience would be easier if we could put it in a perspective that we could better understand. Grieving someone who is still alive is so freakin’ difficult. But it’s a reality. It’s like there’s a monster on the loose who swallowed up the man we fell in love with. Only we didn’t realize that he was never that man. It was the monster in disguise. So we mourn the loss of the “man that never was” and abhor the existence of the monster. Talk about complicated grieving!
Henry, please DO NOT be embarassed to blog on here. Ugh! If I had a direct line to Oxy I’d be contacting her right now! LOL Let me think of what she’d say….Henry you sweet, adorable man. I’m taking my iron skillet out of the cupboard. Stop being so hard on yourself…
Is that close? LOL Honestly, no blame, no shame, no guilt. Not for what happened or how difficult the struggle is in recovery. It is what it is. You’re not making it hard, it just is. It’s a process. I can’t tell you how many times I repeated this to myself to allow myself to go through it. It’s a process and as with all processes, it takes time.
I’m sending you guys positive vibes via internet! Lostingrief, aren’t you the one who says Towanda! Me thinks this would be a good time for that!
Oh and when I had PTSD in 2005 I did recover from that. The sad part is that I only had a few months of starting to feel “back to myself” again when I encountered the S. I was still vulnerable and I beleive this was his way in. So when it comes to PTSD, I am, unfortunately, no stranger to it. But having experienced it before I can tell you that there is a way through it and there is relief and healing. Hang in there!