I receive a weekly newsletter from Brian Willis at Winning Mind Training. In his latest newsletter he quotes Lon Bartel, a law enforcement trainer in Arizona who said, “People change out of desperation or inspiration. Desperation results in short term change. Inspiration, results in powerful and lasting change.”
When I was in relationship with the sociopath, I made desperate changes. Living in constant fear, I was desperate to keep him happy. In my desperation, I contorted and distorted myself to fit the image he told me I had to fit. Most of what I did was about keeping him happy and my life, as it were, intact. Often, the changes I made were ‘inspired’ by his anger. I would do just about anything not to have to experience his anger, and he knew it. Because I believed him when he told me I could never be free of him, I didn’t look beyond the narrow corridor of my life with him, to see that away from him was where real change happened. Away from him was where my freedom started.
Using intermittent reinforcement, he trained me to be his co-conspirator in my self-destruction. He would rage and I would succumb. The breaks between rage and ‘happiness’ grew shorter and shorter, and I became less and less willing to tempt the fates by disagreeing with him. I learned very quickly that my silence and acquiescence bought his ‘good humour’. Eventually, it took less energy on his part to keep me silent as I fell beneath the weight of the sorrow that was pervading my life and my fear of his anger. Desperate for the return of Prince Charming, I kept letting go of what I knew to be right so that I wouldn’t have to face the Prince of Darkness raging before me.
And then, one day he was arrested and I was set free. In that moment I was inspired to make lasting change. To accept the gift of his removal from my life as a miracle, and to soar free.
Lasting change comes easy when we are inspired to create the life of our dreams away from abuse.
I am often contacted by women and men who are involved with an abuser. They write to tell me their stories, and to ask me how they can change what is happening in their lives. My response is always — love yourself enough to know you deserve more than his/her abuse. Love yourself as an abused woman/man and give yourself the gift of freedom by naming what he/she is doing and choosing to accept you have the power to change your life. You can’t change him/her. In fact, whether or not he/she can change is not the question. Are you willing to make an inspired change in your life by stepping away from him/her and stopping the abuse in your life?
Sounds easy — it’s not when the abusers voice is roaring through your mind, telling you lies you can’t believe but don’t dare disbelieve.
One of the hardest aspects of leaving an abuser is naming what they’re doing as abuse. Our minds recoil from the reality, fall back from the precipice of the truth. How could someone who says they love me, willing, knowingly, consciously choose to hurt me?
Believe it. Name it. They will. They can. They do.
Accepting that truth is frightening. If they could do it willingly, then what role do I play in what is happening, in what happened? Answering that is tough. We don’t want to be participants in abuse, and so cannot accept that we had something to do with what has happened to us.
The inspired choice, the choice that will create lasting change, is to accept — I am 100% accountable for what happened to me. Doesn’t make what he/she did right. And it doesn’t make me accountable for what he did. Abuse is never right. What it means is, I accept I can’t change the past, or what he’s doing. I can, however, turn up for me today and take 100% responsibility for what I do, right now, in this moment.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson
It accepting that I am 100% accountable for my life today, I also accept I have the power to make inspired, not desperate changes. I accept the challenge of choosing long term change over short term relief from his/her abuse.
Hard stuff. Life changing. Liberating. But hard.
When we ‘love’ someone who is an abuser, our minds become twisted into the insanity of their crazy-making behaviours. Love shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but we begin to accept the pain of loving them as part of the norm of our existence. In that acceptance, we let go of our belief in our right to live free of abuse. For some, living free of abuse has never been their reality. For others, the crazy-making of the abuser is new — and thus, a surprise, an unbelievable occurrence in their lives. Regardless of whether we were conditioned to accept abuse or accept it because of current conditions, we repeatedly explain it away when we say, “I can’t believe this is happening to me”.
Believing we are being abused is the first step to creating lasting change.
Believing we have the power to change our lives — and acknowledging we cannot change the abuser, is the next step.
Inspired change requires courage. It takes guts and it takes a commitment to self that overrides the voices in our heads telling us ‘this (the past, abuse, pain and turmoil…) is all we deserve’.
No one deserves abuse. No one deserves to live in fear.
And no one can give us the gift of freedom except ourselves.
Takingmeback:
You’re a great counselor! Wow..it’s all there in a nutshell.
Maria, welcome. I’m new here too, and this is a great site for healing.
yep, that’s me.
TOWANDA!!!!!
just ran into a friend of ‘ours’ who told me that my p/s told him that we broke up because i was ”way too into him and the only way he could get me — get this — ‘off his dick(!!)” was to cheat on me!!!
well, against the explicit DEMAND of my p/s, i told that friend the TRUTH!! and i don’t care WHAT the repercussions are for that!
he can BITE ME if he doesn’t like it!
TOWANDA!!!!!
i read this recently: the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
hang in there, everyone.
[QUOTE]You know what guys.. you know why I think they leave us? I don’t think they are discarding us in their minds.. I think they feel like they are about to be “made” (unmasked).. so they just bolt.[QUOTE]
This is exactly what I think happened in my case. He knew he was about to get caught any day. He didn’t exactly bolt. He did something so cruel that he knew I would not take him back. Then he said “I have no excuse. I know I went too far. But I will always love you though.” It was his out. The wording “I know I went too far” gave away his motives. Normal people don’t say stuff like this. It is obvious he knew he was playing a game and that he knew it wasn’t the first time he’d played that game with someone. It really creeps me out to think about it.
With normal relationships, the best way out is through. Talking, communicating, confronting, trying to understand the other person…..
You cannot do this with a sociopath. The only way out IMO is to walk away and cut your losses. In order to do this, you have to believe better things await you and that the S will receive his/her due karma. This takes a great act of spirit and will to walk away and “change the channel”. I gave up my favorite website and most of my internet friends from that site. It killed me to do it, but I think ultimately it will bring greater peace of mind.
Thank you for u kind words and advice ODETTE. X
TAKEMEBACK, your post made me cry so much, everything that your saying is so true. It is very difficult to get over it and the healing never seems to never get off the ground, I’m still crying everyday especially in the mornings and last thing at night and I cry at work too when I go to the toilet so no one can see me.
Yes that ’top man’ image really gets me down ive seen the otherside of him but they all think he’s great man but he can be very persuasive and charming with others. And yes I do think he is talking about me behind my back to gain what any power he needs for himself eg the ’nice guy’ image. Being discarded was one of the most traumatic things ever, it makes me cry now just thinking about it”I was so down at the start of the year that some of my hair fell out I thought I was going to get alopecia but the two patches grew back over recently thank God, I know it was some kind of stress and it was related to this situation.
When we go all go out I don’t talk to him no more haven’t done for months but I must admit I did use to try and talk to him but then he would blow hot and cold with me, mainly cold so I stopped because it was hurting me so badly. What hurts me aswell his new woman knew that he and I were together but she still wanted him, is she a sociopath too? Or does she just think she’s better than me because he picked her over me and thinks she’s got a great new man? Well I think she’s going to be in for a shock soon”
The sly smiles they keep on doing is making my life hell. Why can’t they just be nice and for all of us to be just friends? Why does he feel the need to keep on playing these games and being nasty towards me? Do u think I should not see these “same friends” that we have? I don’t want to stop because some of them are my friends, but should I disappear for a while instead so I can heal? Like maybe for 6 months or more?
Your advice is so valuable to me”. because im not getting any from anywhere and my doctors are useless, my close friends try but they’ve got there own problems and think im just being obsessive and silly.
Ive tried the reading, eating healthy, doing overtime at work etc but its not working much but I must admit right now the only one that’s works most is the exercising, I walk everywhere and the fresh air clears my head. I can’t do more than that right now. I tried running but it was too traumatic for me; mentally. Also I won’t play love songs, your right it triggers the hurt and pain. And TV i won’t watch the news.
Thank you so much, talking(writing) and reading all this is making me realize im not alone and try to remember I didn’t deserve this and there so much to read on here that all relates to it everything!
I need to read all this site there so much stuff on here. Thank u again X
Maria welcome,,,,,and your not alone …it takes lots of time before the crying stops but its all part of the healing and don’t be hard on yourself ….this takes a long time its be 9 months
NC for me and I still think about him every day but I know that I have too stay focused on my new life …time will give yu the clarity that you need and you know that yu deserve better……..stay focused
Maria,
I’m sorry my blog made you cry but I’m glad you know you’re not alone. Crying is cathartic. I’ve cried more over this experience than anything else. Emotional and mental abuse is horrid. But there is healing.
You said that your doctors aren’t helpful. Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? Do they specialize in trauma work? Do they have experience with sociopathy? If they’re not helpful then I’d encourage you to find someone else who is. Don’t give up on what you need for yourself. If one doesn’t work, try another until you find someone who gets it. If you’re seeng your medical doctor I’d encourage you to see someone who specializes in mental health.
As for your questions:
Is his new g/f a sociopath?
My ex came onto me the very night I met his g/f. He began telling me how awful she was and how much he liked me and had always liked me. We live two states away but went to college together over 10 years ago. I hadn’t seen him since then. I told him I was attracted to him and found it hard to be his friend as a result. Afterall, he had done a great job of wooing me when we were “friends” and even stole a kiss the night I met his g/f. He bought me presents and all sorts of stuff. Mr. Wonferful right? He said he broke up with her weeks later and we got together. Had I believed that she was mean to him? Yes, by what he told me. Had I believed they had broken up? Yep, but now not so sure. They were together rather quickly again after me (which he so denied despite the evidence) so who knows. Anyhow, I am not a sociopath and look how it turned out. There’s no way to know about his new g/f. They lie to get people to do their dirty work and they lie to get what they want. Whatever she’s been told about you, I’m willing to bet it’s a bunch of lies.
Why does he keep playing games and being nasty towards you?
Maria if there’s one thing I would like you to pay the most attention to, it’s this answer. He lies because that’s what they do. It’s about POWER and CONTROL. It’s an addiction for them. The more he hurts you, the more you react and respond, the BETTER he feels. His control over you gives him power. This allows him to hurt you at will if you give him the control to do so. You being hurt means to him that he’s still important. He has some meaning and significance through your pain. He does not feel empathy and will not recognize your pain. Rather he will do what he can to elicit pain and hurt you. This is what they do unless you have something they want. Then the charm comes in and it’s all pretend and another big game. He is a sadist by the nature of who he is.. The better you understand this, the easier to see it and accept it.
I have no doubt that my ex wanted me dead. Some sociopaths aim for this. The ultimate of control. They drive their victims crazy and to the point of suicide. Some can be homicidal. The point is they can be dangerous both physically and emotionally. I don’t want to scare you but I do want to warn you. This is a disordered personality. I thought I knew my ex pretty well and I didn’t know him at all.
Don’t forget your ex also wants to look innocent after what he did to you. You can destroy his reputation with the truth so he will do what he finds necessary to launch that smear campaign against you. If he can make you look bad, he can make himself look all the better. It’s sick and cruel. But a reality.
Should you see your “same friends” anymore?
Friendships, as with all close relationships, requires trust. Can you trust your friends? Have they shown that they will not betray you? Have they supported you? Are they willing to go somewhere else without your ex being present? Are they willing not to discuss or mention your ex in your presence? Answer these and you’ll have your answer to that question.
Should I disappear for a while so I can heal?
When we talk about NO CONTACT that means forever. Those who have children with their ex’s or work with them, etc., have little choice and so they keep contact to the bare minimum. Those of us who have a choice and who’ve been through this know that NC is forever. It would be worthwhile to ask yourself why you would want to be associated with your ex in any way. This guy is playing games and making your life miserable. His ability to manipulate is scary. So do you want to have any involvement with any of your “same friends” who don’t get that? Do you want to continue to get triggered and hurt by being in his presence, hearing his name or being with friends who dismiss what has happened to you? Recovery takes time and part of it is taking your power and control back. Making better decisions for yourself and surrounding yourself with those who love and respect you.
Maria, I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you to see your ex with his new g/f, to have friends who continue to exalt him rather than treat him like the dirty, rotten pig that he is! It’s invalidating. They have no idea what has happened nor how badly you feel. I found myself feeling like I was burning people out because they didnt’ get the obsessive nature being part of the recovery. I felt they dismissed it or rolled their eyes at it. So I took to blogging on here and journaling my butt off. I also have a therapist and I say what I need to in session. I have educated some friends and family enough to have a support system but I know they don’t truly understand and I’m afraid that they will invalidate me and hurt me so I keep things with them to a minimum. But I know if I need somewhere to go so I’m not alone I have people there for me. This is important.
I’m glad to hear that walking works for you. Glad to hear you’re staying away from certain triggers. But eventually you’ll need to work through these when you get stronger as you can’t avoid certain things forever. That’s why it’s important you have a support system before doing this. Important to have someone working with you on trauma too.
Please take care of yourself and keep reading :))
I am thinking about what Maria said about her ex “blowing hot and cold” with her. I think this is one of the most useless parts of trying to maintain contact with them, once the anger and rage is winding down. Even when they aren’t mad at you, they really aren’t that interested in your well being. They may be nice to you one day when they are in the mood, but they will never really be there for you. They are pretty useless as friends, just like they were as lovers.
Hi, Maria. I hope I can help by sharing what I’ve learned.
not many people have walked in your shoes so most people wont get it. But you can find people who do. Plenty of people also know about liars and what sociopaths are like. A good place to go just to talk is domestic abuse support groups at women’s shelters. You can hear from people who have been in similar experiences and who can relate to you and also you can learn new things.
every little thing you can do to rid yourself of him will be a relief to you. Things that seem difficult and like sacrifices will actually be easier than you expect and rewarding. Even if you give up those friends temporarily, you will feel better if you decide to do it and go through with it, because you will not have to deal with him. if you can visit some out of town friends who don’t know him that could do you some good. it helps to get out of town, somewhere new or comforting, i find.
something we have to do is accept that the sociopaths used us. it is a bit like pulling off a band-aid. initially it hurts, but not as much as you would think because then he becomes easier to understand. In order to put up with a P/S/N you have to tell yourself lies and swallow lies.
the other day i had to have contact with the bad man. its unbelieve that people are friends with him. i just cant understand how anyone can be ok with who he is. he steals from his friends and family and yet his friends still hang with him. its really sad, i feel pity for them. what also angers me the most is how he does not get what he does to people. how innocent he is. he tells me i left him! wow such blaming. can never take responablity for what he did. i noticed how he changes his image towards me. at first he wasnt dating any girl. not that he thinks im dating or iam out living my life, and starting to move on, or now he is dating someone new. a different story everyday. its soo sick
Blondie,
That’s funny. The Bad Man did the same thing, copying. It was so weird. He used phrases I used in my dating profile. I dyed my hair and then… he dyed his hair. This was when we were broken up. The area in which we lived was small so I often saw him on the road, at the beach, etc.
Also, I have noticed at the Children’s Shelter where I work that sometimes the kid with the most disturbing behavior can be quite popular. If they are charismatic, it doesn’t matter if they just pushed another child down… the victim will forgive almost instantly if the perpetrator throws them a bone… some positive attention on compliments. One little girl told me she liked a certain boy who, at age 10, had already stolen a car and had very bad anger issues. She was also aware that he asked all the other girls to be his girlfriend too and she still liked him even though she told me she knew it wasn’t right for him to be everyone’s boyfriend. This kid is totally a Sociopath in the making. He can run all the other kids into a frenzy and yet the counselors can see how disturbing his behavior is… just like what you were describing above.
People seem to pay more attention to what others say rather than what they do. It’s strange. I have observed this in myself and in the children too.
The word is powerful.