I receive a weekly newsletter from Brian Willis at Winning Mind Training. In his latest newsletter he quotes Lon Bartel, a law enforcement trainer in Arizona who said, “People change out of desperation or inspiration. Desperation results in short term change. Inspiration, results in powerful and lasting change.”
When I was in relationship with the sociopath, I made desperate changes. Living in constant fear, I was desperate to keep him happy. In my desperation, I contorted and distorted myself to fit the image he told me I had to fit. Most of what I did was about keeping him happy and my life, as it were, intact. Often, the changes I made were ‘inspired’ by his anger. I would do just about anything not to have to experience his anger, and he knew it. Because I believed him when he told me I could never be free of him, I didn’t look beyond the narrow corridor of my life with him, to see that away from him was where real change happened. Away from him was where my freedom started.
Using intermittent reinforcement, he trained me to be his co-conspirator in my self-destruction. He would rage and I would succumb. The breaks between rage and ‘happiness’ grew shorter and shorter, and I became less and less willing to tempt the fates by disagreeing with him. I learned very quickly that my silence and acquiescence bought his ‘good humour’. Eventually, it took less energy on his part to keep me silent as I fell beneath the weight of the sorrow that was pervading my life and my fear of his anger. Desperate for the return of Prince Charming, I kept letting go of what I knew to be right so that I wouldn’t have to face the Prince of Darkness raging before me.
And then, one day he was arrested and I was set free. In that moment I was inspired to make lasting change. To accept the gift of his removal from my life as a miracle, and to soar free.
Lasting change comes easy when we are inspired to create the life of our dreams away from abuse.
I am often contacted by women and men who are involved with an abuser. They write to tell me their stories, and to ask me how they can change what is happening in their lives. My response is always — love yourself enough to know you deserve more than his/her abuse. Love yourself as an abused woman/man and give yourself the gift of freedom by naming what he/she is doing and choosing to accept you have the power to change your life. You can’t change him/her. In fact, whether or not he/she can change is not the question. Are you willing to make an inspired change in your life by stepping away from him/her and stopping the abuse in your life?
Sounds easy — it’s not when the abusers voice is roaring through your mind, telling you lies you can’t believe but don’t dare disbelieve.
One of the hardest aspects of leaving an abuser is naming what they’re doing as abuse. Our minds recoil from the reality, fall back from the precipice of the truth. How could someone who says they love me, willing, knowingly, consciously choose to hurt me?
Believe it. Name it. They will. They can. They do.
Accepting that truth is frightening. If they could do it willingly, then what role do I play in what is happening, in what happened? Answering that is tough. We don’t want to be participants in abuse, and so cannot accept that we had something to do with what has happened to us.
The inspired choice, the choice that will create lasting change, is to accept — I am 100% accountable for what happened to me. Doesn’t make what he/she did right. And it doesn’t make me accountable for what he did. Abuse is never right. What it means is, I accept I can’t change the past, or what he’s doing. I can, however, turn up for me today and take 100% responsibility for what I do, right now, in this moment.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson
It accepting that I am 100% accountable for my life today, I also accept I have the power to make inspired, not desperate changes. I accept the challenge of choosing long term change over short term relief from his/her abuse.
Hard stuff. Life changing. Liberating. But hard.
When we ‘love’ someone who is an abuser, our minds become twisted into the insanity of their crazy-making behaviours. Love shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but we begin to accept the pain of loving them as part of the norm of our existence. In that acceptance, we let go of our belief in our right to live free of abuse. For some, living free of abuse has never been their reality. For others, the crazy-making of the abuser is new — and thus, a surprise, an unbelievable occurrence in their lives. Regardless of whether we were conditioned to accept abuse or accept it because of current conditions, we repeatedly explain it away when we say, “I can’t believe this is happening to me”.
Believing we are being abused is the first step to creating lasting change.
Believing we have the power to change our lives — and acknowledging we cannot change the abuser, is the next step.
Inspired change requires courage. It takes guts and it takes a commitment to self that overrides the voices in our heads telling us ‘this (the past, abuse, pain and turmoil…) is all we deserve’.
No one deserves abuse. No one deserves to live in fear.
And no one can give us the gift of freedom except ourselves.
Hey Henry … I had things I just had to do. If I sneaked in to see who was chatting … well, you all know, it gets addictive blogging with everyone. So, I put my nose to the grindstone and did what I needed to get done … which wasn’t mentally healthy for me to relive dates/times of my EX … but, ya gotta do, what ya gotta do … sometimes (SMILE).
I told you about my cousin Bobby … cute, cute, cute. He’s one of my favorite cousins … even though I love all my cousins (tee hee) extended family … we all grew up together except for the 4 “D”s … youngest cousins living in another state from the rest of us … so when they came in to our state … we all had fun … I say 4 Ds cause all their names start with D.
My cousin is single, single, single … for a long time now (years) or at least that’s what I know … he hasn’t brought anyone to meet the family … I can’t even remember when. If I pop over his house, there’s never anyone that he mentions … he’s just been hanging out with his friends for years (all platonic friendships). All his friends are the same … after major breakups … they all haven’t seen anyone … for years now.
He’s in his mid-50’s. Is that a good age for you? I don’t even know your age (LOL) not that it matters … and don’t ask me mine, except, I did slip and mention it way way way back when… He’s blonde, 6 ft tall, great build … down to earth, very funny (always makes me laugh), great cook or at least snake foods (which I’m good at too), throws great parties, has great friends, has great taste in artwork, play piano (has a baby grand in his living room (we always make him play, especially around the Holidays) … conservative dress, I want him to decorate my house … his taste is impecable … and what I absolutely love the most about him is he has this kid outlook about life … not immature, just very open and giving and loving … what everyone used to be when we were kids. I absolutely love that about him … not judgmental … allows people to be who they are. My Dad had that quality too … It’s an unconditional love thing that they both have/had. He’s a great son to my Godmother, great brother, great brother-in-law, great uncle, great cousin, great friend. If he wasn’t my cousin, I’d still feel the same way about him if I ever had the chance to meet him. I guess I was lucky to be born in the same family as him. Oh, and all his customers love him … making him goodies to eat … etc. etc. etc. That’s how my Dad’s customers felt about him … always doing something for my Dad and vice versa.
Let me know … ask Donna for my e-mail.
Peace.
wini – sounds like a match to me – I am 54 – most men my age are looking for someone 24 – Perky can vouch for my sanity and irresitible good look’s – everybody want’s me to decorate their house or landscape their yard. I can’t play the piano but I can cook up a good ole okie supper. I would love to correspond with your cousin but you ask him first. He may have more going than you are aware of. LOL Wini I know what ya mean about getin addicted to blog site’s. This has been my first blog experience and I have tryed to move on but ya know what? it’s only beem 5 month’s of no contact for me and I still need the support because my resolve comes and goes – and beside – what would oxy do if’n I left? I think she kinda get’s into boinkin me on the head with that cast iron skillit…good too see ya wini
well, here’s another … again, from mom. (my dad was an s/p/n. … she gets it).
a woman was walking along a path and came upon a beautiful yellow snake. she greeted the snake, “how are you; aren’t you a beautiful snake!”
he smiled at her and responded: “well, thank you, and you are beautiful too! but i’m not so well. i’ve been travelling a long time and i’m very tired. won’t you carry me since we are going in the same direction?”
the woman thought about it. “i don’t know if i should. you are a snake after all, and snakes can bite.”
the snake replied: “now would i do that to someone who greeted me so lovingly and told me i was beautiful?!”
good point. the woman relented, picked the snake up and walked with him down the path.
suddenly, the snake looked up at her, smiled and lunged at her, biting her on her chin.
“OUCH! why would you bite me after i helped you!”
the snake replied. “hey, bitch, you knew i was a snake when you met me!”
just a bit of s/p humor for y’all.
Lotta truth in that snake story. Altough I didn’t realize it at first that I had a snake, once those red flags started waving, I chose to ignore the obvious. My P sctually told me I had been “too easy”, that I was his “best dupe yet”.
Being a P, he turned around about a week later and denied he ever said that. Said he’d never used that word before in his life, didn’t even know what the word meant. Told me I must have “dreamed” it due to my hormones making me crazy. Interesting cause I have it on TAPE. lol
Wini.. so good to see you. I hope you can match henry .. cuz he deserves a good match.
Also..what you said about praying for them, that helps me a lot when I remember to do it, not just because it helps me forgive. Praying for them helps me remember that their problems aren’t my fault, that they really are bad people that need forgiveness and change, and that I don’t have to face my struggle with them alone.
Henry, I like blogging on this site … at least I know everyone is upfront where they stand on this blog … we’re all in the same “giving” boat. No manipulators and takers here … whereas, other sites … you open yourself up to all sorts of anti-socials giving you lip service again to get what they want from the world .. all types (I don’t need to meet more and have it even more elaborate personalities), saying anything they want to anyone to get whatever anti-social need they have to get that fix they’re looking for …
Did it, done it … got the ripped T-shirt to prove it.
As with my cousin, I’ve got to make a phone call to him anyway … I’ll just feel out the situation … I don’t want him to know I’m playing “match maker” or anything … hey, you never know … maybe you’ll find a good friend at the very least … Yes, you are right … I don’t know what he’s doing with his personal life … but our family is an open book … everyone knows what happened to me with my EX … it’s not like we don’t talk with each other in our family or don’t bring our relationships home to meet and greet everyone. Then there’s all the holidays … our family meets and greets family at that time … so there’s nothing anyone in our family can hide from others … too many cousins, second cousins, third … aunts/uncles still living … I’m laughing as I’m writing this … cause it is the inquisition in our family … no stones unturned … my family will open their mouths and directly ask you what’s going on with your life … And of course you know that I heard everyone’s opinions over the years about my EX … and how he “just wasn’t quit right with most of my family”… so I get (not malliciously, but said anyways) the salt-in-the wounds conversations … at the beginning … not now … but, boy oh boy if I ever bring anyone home to meet my relatives … they’ll have it on video tape … drilling the poor guy…. plus, they went through the years of what my bosses and their cronies did to me … so there’s a lot of history in the manipulation/abuse category of characters done to my life with my family members… we’re all very protective of each other … and I am the youngest of them all (both sides of the family) in my state (4 younger cousins on maternal side living out of state). So, there you have it.
Ask Donna to give you my e-mail … we’ll chat from there and I’ll let you know what’s going on. I met alot of my cousins platonic friends and they are all nice too. No users in that group … if there were at one time … they’re not there any more … Life does have a way of weeding these characters out … hey, maybe that’s why anti-socials do the quick hit and runs … knowing they will be booted out of the family loop cause it’s happened before to them over and over and over again. We do learn a lot on this blog.
Peace.
Hi kat_o_nine_tales: Yes, praying does help me too. They are beyond our wildest imaginations … so I do leave them in God’s hands. If we (the victims) don’t pray for them, who will? They just sadden my heart anytime I think of them or hear about their new antics. My heart goes out to all the newbies just learning and trying to climb out of the abyss they were thrown into. Not knowing what is up or what is down yet. The imbalance they throw our lives into is incredible. I remember that I couldn’t breath and my legs were buckling out from under me … and I was already used to 6 years of this abuse from my managers and their cronies … but I knew what I was dealing with these characters. I had no clue my EX was just giving me lip service and he too, was one of them (anti-social personalities) … having the truth hit me between the eyes … years after the windows of suing him … was, to say the least – perfect calculations on his part. He manipulated the entire situation and probably loved (or was involved with my managers) every minute of my bosses destroying me … having my total concentration on what they were doing to me … didn’t allow me to look at what he was doing to destroy me. Incredible. All of them. Incredible … they may have won in the destruction and the money part … but I’m still standing and I can still feel, love, cherish, respect people. They can’t. In reality .. I am the victor in life … no matter what their MO’s for power, money, control/manipulations were. To me, they’re all walking dead (zombies) of the world … never knowing what it really is to just exist on your own right. What it is to love. What it is to feel good. What it is to be in harmony with your fellow citizens through the world. To share with others, to care about others, to grow with others.
Peace to your heart Kat.
I can’t remember which thread we were talking about the subject of “Why” do some people not change when they have been abused…STockholm Syndrome (which I believe ANY human being with the POSSIBLE exception of the Ps) can fall prey to?
Why are WE different? Why do we eventually fight for freedom? What about US is there that causes us to rise up, and throw off the mantel of the “Zeta position”? Is there some common dinominator between US just as there is with them?
What is that common thread in the “suvivors” vs the ones that just “endure” forever? That stay in that Zeta position or if the P leaves them, they find another P to take over the abuser role?
I’ve asked myself this question all day and I can’t seem to come up with a single common dinominator between us except that we DO have a conscience and we HAVE started to become VICTORS instead of Victims. But what about the “Zillions” of other men and women that just stay STUCK either with the Ps and won’t leave, or stay STUCK in a helpless mode?
Donna did a thread about some woman that called her for advice and took none of it, came up with this excuse to stay, that excuse to stay, etc. and we have seen other bloggers here that even with our cheering the on, most likely stayed with the P or went back to him forever.
Is it like qitting smoking or drinking, you have to try and fail and try and fail again and evntually you do it? Or is it something else? What CLICKS in our brains that makes us different from those people who either never get out or find another P? Or live like James’ friend in pitiful circumstances, never venturing to HELP HERSELF. taking the hand OUTS but never the hands to help her lift herself UP and to safety?
We’ve all felt the ALLURE of wanting to stay with them, wanting them back, missing them etc (doesn’tmatter if the relationship is a lovers one or a friend or a family member, the allure is there) and yet, we fought it. We went NC and stuck with it. Why are WE willing to do this, to endure the pain and others are not?
Maybe if we could come up with some common thing that was part of the make up of US, we could help the ones that are AFRAID, that are STUCK. Why did WE eventually “unstick” and they not? Why are we examining ourselves to find our “weakest link” that lets us become victims in the first place and they are afraid to look for the weak link?
I don’t know–don’t have a clue. I’m amazed I got hooked in the first place by the P-XBF and I know at the time I was NEEDY, but I DID get the “blinding light” eventually and toss him to the curb, but even his X-GF that he burned her house, she still has “feelings” for him, KNOWING HE BURNED HER HOUSE, but at least she doesn’t act on them. She is moving on with her life, but the tug, the allure is still there for her and frankly, if someone called and told me that she had ditched her current BF and was marrying the P it wouldn’t “shock” me. It would make me sad for her, but it wouldn’t bowl me over in shock.
Maybe Dr. Leedom could make up some kind of a survey or maybe there IS already one and it could be put on here for us to “fill out” and then see if statisticly there is something about US that is different from the people who are “Chronic” victims, that assume that “zeta” position. It does make me wonder if there is something genetic involved with us, just as there is with the Ps being Ps–some genetic and some environment. Something that made us victims in the first place, but yet, allowed us to EVENTUALLY break free.
Ideas guys? What do you think it is about yourself that made you strong enough, determined enough to break free. Why did you succeed?
ok I just wrote something and went to preview and it disappeared..So sorry if this comes out twice…I just recently (yesterday) broke up with my bf. We were together for a lil over a year but recently found out he had another relationship carrying on the whole time. I knew about one other girl….but this was yet ANOTHER GIRL. He admits now to it and says it was wrong and only loves me and wants to make things work…but I dont know if I can trust him now. I feel like what we had was a lie..although I am confused because he does do so much good for me. He claims he is not with anyone else anymore…wants to marry me as well. ALTHOUGH I keep getting informed from one of the girls that he is STILL calling her with a sob story…she has lied to me in the past about things and obviously he has lied to me as well SO I DONT KNOW WHO TO BELIEVE. I feel bad because he has done good for me (he also reminds me of that too) He says I am being unfair that I wont continue our relationship and give it a try. HELP…..!! I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING INSANE…