I work in a homeless shelter. It is a place where people are worn down by their stories, day in, day out. They carry the load like a weight upon their shoulders, sitting at tables with hunched shoulders, rounded backs. They walk with shuffling footsteps, backs curled into their chests, their hopes gripped in hands buried deep down into their pockets, forever fearful of coming up empty handed. And every day they wait. And wait. For someone to rescue them. For someone to deliver an answer. An escape. A way out. Another direction.
When you’re down and out, living below poverty, on the wrong side of easy street, sometimes all you’ve got to make yourself visible is the story you carry to mark your passing. It is all you’ve got to tell. The only thing that’s yours and yours alone. It’s all you’ve created in a life of despair. It is all you fear losing. You don’t fear death — this is a living death. You don’t fear rock bottom. You’ve already hit it. You fear, losing your story. Without your story, where would you be?
We all have a story. Doesn’t matter which side of the street we walk, we carry our story — sometimes, it will lift us up. Sometimes, it will drag us down. We decide when and where and to whom we tell our story. How often. How loudly. How softly. We decide if it is a rant or a song. A dirge or a symphony of joy, of hope, of love.
We decide.
Once upon a time, I had a story. It was the story of being abused. Of being a bit part in another man’s creation. I thought I was his leading character. I wanted to believe I was and so in my mind, I painted my story of our relationship with me as the heroine. Me as the lead actor. I was strong and loving. I stood by my man. I could, as he told me, make him a better man.
I became so attached to my story that I couldn’t see it was killing me. Dragging me down into the pits of despair. Pushing me under. Drowning me.
I couldn’t let go of the story I’d created because… well because I feared if I let it go I would be lost. Where would I be without the story of me as a super heroine of such astonishing power I could make a mere man a better man? Who would I be without this story of love awakening in the rosy dawn of his happily-ever-after? I had waited my whole life for this fairy tale to come true, how could I awaken from it now?
Terrified of being the victim of my own creation, I told myself I was his, forever more, forever and a day. Ours was a love committed ’til death did us part. How could I claim my own story away from my one true love when I had promised to help him be the man he’d always dreamt of being? How could I claim my own power when he had already told me I had all the power I would ever need over him. I was all he ever hoped for. I didn’t need empowerment. I only needed his love.
Stuck in the diorama of the perfectly false creation of our love story, I could not face the nightmare of what he was doing to destroy me. Afraid his lies were true. Afraid his deciet was real, I closed my eyes to the possibilities on the other side of our happy ending that never was. That real story where I claimed my place in the sun for me, myself and I. I didn’t want to claim my power because I had already convinced myself, and anyone who would listen, that this love, this relationship, this perfect story with him as my knight in shining armor was all I had ever dreamt of, all I ever needed, all I ever wanted.
See, I’d always held onto the notion, buried deep within me, that I needed a man to complete my story. I needed someone else to make my dreams come true. Convinced that story where I was completed by another was the only one I could ever write, I became lost in the land of make-believe, telling my story again and again hoping for a different ending. No matter how many prince charmings came riding through, or how quickly they swept me away, the story never changed in my telling because I held onto the notion of needing their kiss to awaken me to life beyond my wildest imaginings.
We all have a story and sometimes, our stories keep us in the victim’s place because we cannot let them go..
Your story will be different than mine. But it will be the same. You will hold onto it, drag it out, hang it out to dry when times are tough or you’re feeling down. It’s the story you tell to explain why you feel how you do, why you are where you are, why life is just not fair.
It is not a story worth keeping, or even telling. But tell it we do because sometimes, like those who sit at tables in the shelter and wait for a better tomorrow, we can’t let go of the story we carried so far we’ve lost sight of where we were going and where we want to be.
I’ve created a different story today than that sad tale of an abused woman too scared to admit that what was happening to her hurt like the dickens. That story was a sad tale of two people where the best of times were only a figment of my imagination. I kept grasping for the golden ring of what wasn’t there so that I would not have to see what was right before my eyes –I was living in the worst of times. I was refusing to claim my power to write the story of my lifetime just for me, myself and I.
Sometimes we get trapped in our stories and have to give ourselves a shake and wake ourselves up, without waiting for the kiss of a prince of any name.
The secret to waking ourselves up is to step out of the characters we’ve created and ask ourselves, Is this truth or fiction? Am I the passive voyeur committed to watching the story unfold, letting it happen without my direction? Or, am I the active hero/heroine creating the story of my life as I direct each choice I make towards my goals, creating more and more of what I want in life with every passing day?
Recently, my twenty-three year-old daughter wrote,
“I want to race through the grass in bare feet,
and swim in the deepest part of the ocean,
and eat an apple right from the tree,
and fall recklessly in love,
and run with the bulls,
and find a cliff and dive!
Naked.
No safety gear or parachute to break my fall.
Straight into the great wide open.
Sailing fearlessly into life.”
Within each of us is that place where we want to leap. To soar. To scream to the high heavens, “I am alive!”
I am alive, in spite of and because of, that relationship from hell. I am alive, in spite of and because, having journeyed through the darkness, I have found the essence of me. That wild woman willing to risk it all for one delicious lick at life lived beyond the comfort zone of my fears that I will be hurt, or bruised or let down by someone, something, somehow.
There will always be someone who hurts us. Who lets us down. Who somehow doesn’t measure up to our expectations.
We will inevitably hurt someone we love. We will let someone down. We will not measure up to our expecations. We will not measure up to theirs.
That’s life.
But to live life in the shadows of our fears, that’s sad. That’s giving up before we’ve even begun.
So, accept it. He hurt you. He betrayed you. He was a rat batzard to you.
What are you going to do about it?
Let that experience trap you in fear of ever stepping out of your comfort zone again?
Hold you back from living out loud? Keep you down because you fear…. Looking stupid. Being silly. Being self-conscious. Being free?
Or, are you going to leap. To grab hold of life and shake it up. To colour outside the lines using every single crayon in your box?
Within each of us is this knowing that there is a great big amazing world out there, beyond the comfort of our fears, beyond the lines we’ve coloured in so carefully all our lives.
In coming through Pdom, I have claimed my right to live outside my comfort zone. To be the heroine of my own story. To live large. To colour outside the lines in bright bold primary colours of the rainbow, including purple. I have claimed my right to rescue me — because I know, no one else will. No one else can.
Just for today. Try it. Do something you fear. Step outside your comfort zone and leave yourself exposed to creating a new story of your life unfolding like you dreamed it always would, with you at the centre of your sun, shining bright, fearlessly creating the story of your lifetime. Colour outside the lines. Speak before you think. Act before you stop. Leap before you look. And live! It’s great to be alive when there’s not a letter of the alphabet that can stop you from flying free.
There is your question, Louise – without my story, where would I be?
Well…I’d be like a hopeful, inquiring kid again – very open to life, drawing
all the time, experimenting and not putting limits on myself as an artist or
person. I’d be less sarcastic, more authentic and sincere. I’d try more new experiences – and be able to, because I’d have the money I earned
by doing what I love. I wouldn’t be sad or depressed unnecessarily anymore – I’d spend more time seeking out other fulfilled, happy people
as well as spending more time alone being selfishly quiet, reading or
being in nature, writing a long letter to a friend, walking a beach, learning a new language.
I’d put to rest my own limiting ideas about what I’m good at or not, or where I fit into the scheme of things with my family’s past image of me.
I’d dress more like I draw, be more expressive with color and pattern.
I’d find out more about places that have always intrigued me and make
goals to go there, one by one.
I’d make more time to be with people who would like to share more time
together on a hike, going to a movie, dancing dinner, whatever…
I’d feel less guilty about eating ice cream when I feel like it.
And I’d not worry about being loveable – I’d be having too much
fun on my own to even think about that and would be meeting many people
who would be available for love – in all kinds of relationship, not necessarily just a romantic one.
Wow Persephone — what a powerful statement of who you are and your power to create the life of your dreams.
So — just for today — write a long letter to a friend, dress like you draw, eat ice cream without guilt, love yourself just because, have fun.
Just for today — so one thing on your creation. Just do it and everytime sarcasm or fear or sadness slides in, embrace it. Say, “Oh look, there’s me being sarcastic, or fearful or sad. Aren’t I amazing.” and move on. Give yourself a mental hug — and focus on doing the things you write of to create the life of your dreams.
You know where you want to be — now it’s up to you to build upon your intentions with action that loves and supports you.
A suggestion — re-write what you wrote in the present tense. i.e. I am a hopeful inquiring kid, very open to life. I am drawing, experimenting….
As a visual artist — create a vision map of your intention — paint it, draw it, cut out photos and words from magazines. Create your vision map, paste it on the wall beside your desk or bed or where ever you’ll see it every day — and focus on who you truly are when you’re living the life of your dreams.
You are amazing!
Hugs
Louise
Oh Cor Persephone!:)x What an amazing post:) And Louise your reply is another inspiration:)xx There is some REALLY good stuff going on here today:) Thanks xxx
Louise, you are wonderful! And Persephone as well!!! Thank you both for your above posts!!!! ++++++++++++++ (((Hugs)))
Thanks Louise, blueskies, Oxy! Getting ready for work – Louise, I’ll take
your advice and put it in the present tense. It is all about self-esteem and
our own image as well, isn’t it – and not letting old stories, past and present people in our lives define us. And knowing when we are telling ourselves a story about what we’ll accept as ‘love’, and being able to be ‘creative’ about that by rewriting our own plot and characters.
And I’ll try doing the vision map – it will be the theme for new work.
Have great days, Everyone!
(And I’ll accept that my posts go all crazy in their own linear fashion even when I think I’m doing it right!)
Louise,
I just had a thought. I wonder if one reason you were able to go straight to the very positive approach of just refusing to focus on the P was three fold (besides the fact that you are just amazing! Truly!)
1) You had very strong outside confirmation that he was a “bad man”
2) He was being punished
3) He was in a place (being arrested) that was going to make a positive resolution impossible to arrive at for a very long time and NC was pretty much forced on you.
If so, it seems a positive step in therapy might be for therapists to STRONGLY validate that this is a BAD MAN and to really urge NC. The punishment part is pretty much out of our hands, and while normally, it is a good idea NOT to send that last letter or email really telling them off, it might not be such a bad idea with a P or N, if at the same time you make it clear that you WILL contact the police or whatever if they EVER contact you again, and charge them with stalking or whatever. I suppose it depends on the situation. But rereading that last email where I forever burned the bridge and made it clear that a) I knew he was the lie and b) that there would be legal ramifications if he ever came near again…..well, it brings me a lot of peace!
Anyway, one reason I think that there are so many paths to healing is that we each got out in different ways….which really impacts the path to healing I think.
Hi Justabout healed.
Thank you! 🙂
No. 3 definitely played a huge roll in my recovery. I was forced into No Contact.
I’m sure 1 and 2 also helped, though punishment was never part of my agenda. I chose to detach myself from what happened to him when I chose to attach myself to what was happening to and for me – and that came pretty well at the beginning of my journey.
I believe the most powerful part for me was in the realization that I had received a miracle with his arrest. I had spent so many years asking the angels to help me, asking the angels to help him, asking angels for help — and then giving up on ever recieving it. I believed even the angels had given up on me. And so, when he was arrested — it was a miracle. I had to choose what to do with my miracle — live in sorrow and grief — or live in the joy of having received a miracle. I knew God wouldn’t have given me a miracle for no good reason — I got the miracle to live — and if I was going to live, I was going to chose to live with joy.
Then it became a ‘simple’ choice — will this thought, will this action, will this word move me closer to joy or away from it. I constantly measured everything I was doing, saying, being, believing, thinking against the thought — will this take me closer to joy, peace of mind, love, happiness — or away from it.
Having him in a place where he could not contact me gave me the grace of space away from his voice — that powerful narcotic that had created such a fog in my mind.
I know I was blessed by his being in jail and the fact he didn’t have my sister’s telephone number and her number was unlisted. There was no way for him to contact me except by proxy of people who loved me and refused to let him find me.
In the beginning, even with the outside confirmation, I had to remind myself of one thing he did that confirmed for me he was truly a bad man — even though I was terrified what he suggested would happen to my daughters was true, I had to remind myself that he was the lie and what he had said would happen was all part of his lies.
The other thing that really helped me was I started to write — and I decided that I had to love myself, broken down, broken up and battered and bruised — I had to love myself if I was to help my daughters heal.
I believe the greatest gift of all were my daughters — I knew they needed me. Even though they weren’t talking to me. Even though they were angry and hurt and frightened and confused — I had to allow their feelings to exist so that I could heal myself first and foremost. In my realization that to help them heal I had to accept their anger and pain as their right, I gave up the need to justify what had happened to me.
for the first time in my life, I got totally honest. I admitted I was not strong enough to carry their anger at the same time that I admitted that they had a right to their anger — this was three weeks after he was arrested. For the first three weeks, I was too scared to even call them — and everyone was telling me not to.
I believe in making the decision to pick up the phone and call, I chose to live. Because in that decision, I had to accept — I know my daughters. I know what is right. And I know they need to hear me apologize. They need to hear my voice.
I believe NC is the most powerful gift we give ourselves. We have to choose to bring our will to bear to not send that last email, to delete the saved text conversations, to delete their IMs and anything else that keeps us connected to them.
It is a matter of will.
And when we choose in favour of what is loving and caring and strengthening of us, we teach ourselves a very important lesson — I am capable of doing what is right and loving and caring and strengthening of me.
In teaching ourselves we can make good choices for ourselves, we affirm — I am worth more than that crazy-making relationship.
There are a hundred paths to get to where we want to be.
For me, the path to here, is predicated upon asking myself — What do I want more of in my life. Does this get me, harmony and joy, or pain and sorrow. Does this get me peace of mind, or anger and discord?
What do I want?
Thanks justabouthealed.
Katherine asked on another thread if I meditated before the p. I did. And when I was with him — I let go of everything I knew was healing and caring and loving of me. I let go of all I knew to believe in what he told me was true.
In healing, I consciously choose to love myself because — to not love myself means I’m willfully hurting myself. And I have had enough of doing things that hurt me.
Thank you Louis answer. And a good thing to ask of ourselves at anytime. (Does this get me, harmony and joy, or pain and sorrow. Does this get me peace of mind, or anger and discord?)
Lots of powerful statements above!
I meant “Louise for this answer.”
I have to say, This is the first day I have woke up and that pain in my heart is not there!!! I have waited for this day, I rejoice. It has only been 5 months since we officially broke up, but he has had all the signs and got engaged 4 weeks after our break up. I thank God every day that he was protecting me. I hope she comes out of it ok.