It is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do after having loved, The Lie. To love again without fear of the past repeating itself. To love without fear of making a mistake. Without fear of being hurt.
And yet, we yearn for love. For connection. For that special someone to spend away the hours, sharing in good times and bad. To whisper sweet nothings in the night, to hold and to be held, to laugh with, cry with and even have sex with.
But no, our tender hearts cry out, I can’t do it. I won’t. I’ll never love again. Too risky. Too intimate. Too much.
Or, before our broken hearts even have a chance to stop bleeding, we race out and find another, searching for that special someone to make us feel so special we forget all about the blood dripping from our wounds with every beat of our aching hearts.
We are relational beings.
When I was released from that relationship from hell, I knew I wasn’t healthy enough to date. I knew I was very broken and so I made a commitment with myself to not date for a minimum of a year. I knew that I had to give myself that time to get comfortable with myself again. To heal the tender spots. To soothe my wounded soul and strengthen my sorry ego.
And, underneath my practical approach to what I needed to do to heal was the absolute truth. I was absolutely terrified of getting close to a man. I was terrified I’d vomit all over his leather jacket because it happened to have the same smell as the one I’d given ”˜Him whose name I could not speak’ our first Christmas together. Or, I was terrified I’d break down crying in a restaurant just because my date happened to order the same meal ”˜He’ had ordered the night he’d proposed to me. Or what if, while sitting in a movie, my date reached across to take my hand and I wasn’t expecting it and I got all scared and accidentally slapped him in the face and made such a scene I got up and ran out of the theatre and we were sitting in the middle of the row and everybody had to get up and let me out and I’d feel like such a fool and when I got outside I kept running because, well, I was such a loser!
Seeing as my psyche was pretty caught up in some pretty serious fortune telling of the negative kind about weird and wacky things that would happen if I dated, it seemed wisest to not date — at least until such time as I could look at a man across a table and not want to hurl my plate at him just because he preferred his steak rare. Doesn’t he know? Eating steak rare is a red flag suggesting he was out for blood! A vampire of the sociopathic kind!
And so, the year became two, and then three. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to date. It was just, even after I’d gotten over my fear of pending dating disasters with every dinner invitation; every time I went out on a date I couldn’t figure out how much of the sordid tale I should tell. Do I warn him I’ve got some serious trust issues about men on the first date? Do I tell him I’m hyper-vigilant when it comes to his behaviour? What about the ”˜three times, you’re out’ rule? How much do I tell and when?
It seemed easier to not date than to try to figure out the ins and outs of dating etiquette after the sociopath is gone. And so, I created a story of my satisfaction with my single status, laughingly telling anyone who listened that I liked my life better without a man.
Reality is; we are relational beings. For the vast majority of us, the desire for intimacy, the yearning to be in relation with someone special, is part of our human condition.
Challenge is; looking at my track record up to and including ”˜Him whose name I do not speak’, I wasn’t sure how to be in relationship without my patterns leading to the ”˜new love’ becoming the ”˜ex’, regardless of what a true prince he was.
History does not repeat itself — unless I make it happen.
And then I met C.C.. I met him through business. Oh oh. I met the sociopath through business too. Strike one. He was a friend of a friend. So was ”˜Him whose name…’ Strike two.
What am I doing? My mind shrieked. Am I repeating history? Two similarities right off the bat. Not good.
C.C. even liked cars. Oh no. ”˜He’ liked cars too. Had lots of them. The difference with C.C. was, he liked cars but they weren’t his life. He drove an old antique Mercedes that he’d lovingly restored. And that was his only car. Okay. Only one car. It’s old. We’re okay.
The real difference though between ”˜Him…’ and C.C. was evident from the very first time I met him. C.C. didn’t flirt. He didn’t come on to me or even try to convince me to go out with him on our first encounter. And he never ignored my ”˜No’.
In fact, when we met he was just coming out of a marriage of twenty years and wasn’t looking to date. We’d have lunch or coffee and talk about life and living and I’d share what I’d learned in my growing through the pain of having loved, The Lie, and he’d share his love of his kids and his sorrow at having ”˜failed’ as a husband.
It wasn’t until after about a year of a casual friendship that he asked me on a date, or, as I insisted we call it, an ”˜undate’. “We’re not going out,” I told him. “We’re simply spending some time together to share in the company of someone we enjoy who happens to be of the opposite sex.” And pretty sexy to boot — I didn’t tell him!
Two years later, C.C. and I live in a home we bought together. We continue to deepen our intimacy and to strengthen our commitment to each other. We still have ups and downs. Moments when I think, “Someone to cuddle in bed just isn’t worth this!” But, reality is, my responsibility in our ups and downs are 100% my doing. And his accountability is 100% his doing. I am willing to work on my 100% and I am willing to let him be responsible for his.
And that’s the difference between then and now.
I’m not looking for C.C. to fix me, change me, improve me. And, I’m not looking to fix, change or improve him.
What I’m looking for is a relationship where I can be accountable for myself 100% of the time, and be confident that even when I’m acting out, even when I’m not hearing him or seeing him or behaving in a loving way, our love is not the issue. It’s my behaviour that’s at fault, or needs changing or evaluating and realigning. It’s not ”˜me’. It’s what I’m doing, or how I’m reacting to what’s happening that’s the issue.
True Confessions.
Recently, I came front and centre with my 100% accountability factor. It started with C.C. phoning late in the afternoon to cancel on plans we’d made for that evening. “My partner and I need to meet to go over a crisis situation. Sorry hon. Can’t be avoided. I’ll be home as soon as I’m done,” he said.
Now, ”˜Him whose name I do not speak’ did that kind of thing all the time. Plans made. Cancelled. Promises broken. Disappearances that lasted for days. Turmoil and mystery. Empty promise after empty promise.
My psyche went on full alert. The past was triggered and I boarded its runaway train.
Know that voice in your head that just won’t shut up? After hanging up the phone, ”˜that voice’ revved up into high gear.
“You know he’s lying,” the sibilant hiss of that voice raced through my mind, skirting in and out of the shadows. Beguiling. Seductive. Destructive. “He’s lying. He’s not meeting a business associate. He’s got a date with someone else. He’s conning you.”
Now, let’s be clear. I had no real reason to doubt him. C.C. has never not phoned when he’s promised to phone. Never not appeared, on time, when he’s promised to appear. Perhaps it was I was tired. I’d been out of sorts about all kinds of things in the previous week, including issues with my eldest daughter and her father, who was being who he’d always been, an emotionally distant man but not a sociopath.
Normally, in my post sociopath awareness, I can quieten ”˜that voice’ with a good dose of loving care. “You’re just scared, Louise. That was then. This is now. C.C. is not Him… C.C. has never done anything to cause you to doubt him.”
Alas, on this night, the furies were about and I unhooked their cage and released them.
I got in my car. Yup. I got in my car and drove to where I knew C.C.’ meeting was to be. ”˜If I just see his car there, then I’ll know he didn’t lie.’ I told myself. ”˜I need to do this to give me peace of mind.’ ”˜There’s nothing wrong with being suspicious. After all I’ve been through, why wouldn’t I be suspicious?’
And the justifications carried on, and on and on as I drove closer and closer to my date with the furies. Tears streamed from my eyes. I played a CD filled with songs of love betrayed just to fuel my pain and my feelings of self-loathing. I cried and I cried. I drove and I drove. With every block closer to my destination, the voice of reason receded further and further from my reality.
“You know this is wrong, Louise,” the voice of reason admonished.
”˜That voice’ snarled back. “Bug off. She has to do this. It’s your fault anyway. If you’d just kept her from falling in love with him I wouldn’t have to step in and protect her!’
I’d like to say I came to my senses before I got to my destination. But I didn’t. His car was there. He hadn’t lied. I turned around and headed home.
I have nothing to fear but myself.
I hated what I’d done that night. Hated that I had given in to fear and talked myself into behaving in a way that undermined my higher good.
It was a great lesson. In the end, I discovered the truth about what I was doing. It wasn’t that I couldn’t trust C.C.. It was that I didn’t trust myself enough to do the right thing. I was letting myself down by giving into my fears. I will wilfully behaving in a distrustful way. I was being untrustworthy and undermining our relationship.
Regardless of whether C.C. was or wasn’t where he’d said he’d be, I had let my fears control me. I had let myself react without giving care to what I was creating in my life. Harmony or discord? The choice was always mine. That night I chose discord.
It was several months before I told C.C. what I’d done. I knew that had I told him that night, while I was still feeling off-centered and out of control, he would not have been able to hear me speak of what had compelled me to act in such a foolish and distasteful way. He would only have heard the bare facts — I hadn’t trusted him enough to believe him.
Trust is a big issue for C.C.. We’ve discussed it many times. He needs to know he is trusted in order to trust.
My big issue is safety. I need to feel safe to know I am safe. My behaviour that night had nothing to do with C.C. and everything to do with what was going on in my head. I wasn’t safe within me.
Intimacy can do that to me. In having come through those years of abuse and healing, I know I am okay. But, as I get closer to another human being, along with the joy of knowing I am loved, I am loveable, I am enough, the fears of never being good enough, or of being made to look like a fool, also awaken.
It’s up to me to tame them with ample doses of self-love and liberal dollops of truth and honesty, accountability and authenticity.
When I did tell him about my ride with the furies raging in my head, I ensured I began the conversation with a statement of how much I love him. In the end, he heard me say, “What I did had everything to do with me and my issues around intimacy. It had nothing to do with you and your trustworthiness.” And in his hearing me from where I was at, intimacy deepened, love survived.
We’ve weathered that storm. Climbed different mountains, crossed other seas. And through it all, I am learning that loving another is a journey of discovery. It is a voyage of wonder where I get to let go of holding someone else accountable for how I’m feeling, how I’m acting and what I’m thinking.
To be in relationship with another requires that I first and always hold true to my relationship with my self. To act out is to act against my values, beliefs and principles. To act in love is to embrace all that is wondrous, miraculous and Divine in me.
I am responsible for me. It is my responsibility to act in my higher good, and to not let myself down on the side of doing the wrong thing. Love requires my attention. I deserve my loving care. And love deserves I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. And when I do, love blossoms and I am safe within me.
Dear Twice,
We too become ADDICTED to the adrenaline RUSH, the “high”–and like a drug addict, even when the “high” is BAD or painful, it still gives us a FIX!
Regular, normal, peaceful life bedomes BORING to us too. It seems “normal” to be in a RISKY situation. To be on ALERT all the time. We start living a soap opera and it seems normal to us and living like an Amish person in peace and calm would be totally boring to us.
I mentioned that Amish thing because I was a news documentary last night about the young Amish who get bored with their life, leave home (against their parent’s will etc) but 8 out of 10 go back to it when they have “sowed their wild oats” because to them FAMILY is everything.
One that was being followed (for a year) was DIFFERENT than the others though, I almost think he was a psychopath. He did what the rest of the kids did (they all lived together in one house) all had jobs and learned to drive, smoked cigarettes and drank beer and some had sex, but all flirted with the opposite sex. But this kid went back and burned his uncle’s buggy and did vandalism and ended up going to jail for a month but when the interviewer talked to him, HE WAS NOT REMORSEFUL, he did NOT take responsibility for his actions but JUSTIFIED them, and even smiled like he had ENJOYED doing them. Interesting that he acted totally different in his lack of remorse for the things he did.
The guy asked him what he had LEARNED, and he said “next time don’t get caugh.t” He had this little smirk on his face too.
Living peacefully, and out of the “rush” of all the things we have available, and also taking time for ourselves, taking time to THINK about our lives is also somethi9ng many people I think do not engage in, especially when we are young. Mandy has a wonderful opportunity with her situation to take the time to learn, to see what it is that she really wants. What is really important to her life.
Too many times we get caught up in our careers, our young kids, their sports, TV, the latest “fashions” or decorating our homes, and the DRAMA of our “relationships” so that we FORGET about ourselves. About what in this life is REALLY important….and it isn’t about “success” of the biggest cars, the finest houses, and the most money in the bank. No one takes a U-Haul to the graveyard. It isn’t about the latest music, or what is “hot”—life is deeper than those very shallow things.
Of course we must make a “living” and provide food and so on for ourselves and our children, but that is NOT what life is a bout. I think about so many times I worried about the small things that were not really ‘IMPORTANT’ when I should have been taking that same amount of time to concern myself with the thigns that ARE important…how I treat others, how I treat myself and how I allow others to treat me.
In this country (US) we are fortunate that we are livng in a reasonably safe and secure country, that we have available food, clean water, clothing is cheap, even “poor” people mostly have a roof over their heads of some kind, but there ARE places in the world that millions of people do NOT have those things that we take for granted….including safety. That women do NOT have an option to leave an abusive man, or that they can NOT have custody of their children–EVER.
Right now we are in a depression that is making jobs hard to find, and housing difficult to afford, but even still, there ARE agencies that help people who “lose it all”—in many areas this is not the case. I for one am so GRATEFUL that I have a roof over my head, I am retired, and though my income is now less than the poverty level, I dont’ owe anyone for anything and live very well with everything NEEDFULL and many things that are luxuaries—
The greatest thing I am grateful for though, is the PEACE that I have, the freedom from having to associate with psychopaths on a daily basis or in a close relationship–like Tilly’s teacher or a boss, or a family member.
This past week I’ve been kind of stressed, not sure myself why, and last night I dreamed and dreamed about just about every psychopath that has significantly crossed my path in my life—one long huge “frustration dream” in which they came and went and everything I tried to do was literally a “hanging by the fingernails” at times. It really wasn’t a night mare per se, just frustrating to have these people in my environment.
I’m not sure what the dream “meant’ (if anything) except that I had been feeling some stress and some frustration, but at least now I am more aware of feeling frustrated. did something about it today, got my house cleaned, all the laundry done, a wonderful supper cooked, and my sons and I are going to play Scrabble tonight just the three of us. I feel at peace again, my world is in order, there is peace and love in the house and I know there will be a lively rivalry in the dinning room tonight and we will be challenging and going through the dictionary to settle the squabbles! And laughing and poking fun at each other’s mistakes. It may not be “exciting” or “fun” to some people, and may sound like a really DULL holiday weekend compared to going out to a club or some big party, but it is satisfying to us. PEACE. QUIET–well sorta quiet, but things are NEVER TOO quiet around me or the guys! LOL
I wish for everyone here on LF the PEACE and QUIET for introspection, for healing ourselves, and away from the DRAMA of interacting with the psychopaths. ((((hugs))) and my prayers fo rus all.
MariaLisa, Last night I was watching 2 1/2 Men …one of my exP’s favorite shows…he’s just like Charlie by the way…anyway, a very funny line was said and I laughed out loud…and found myself looking around the room and realized no one was there to laugh with me except my cats, who just looked at me like I’m nuts. He and I watched TV together a lot…laughed a lot…it was a trigger to MISS him, and I started to cry.
You are not alone in the battle of “I hate him” “I love him” “I miss him” “I never want to see him again”. I try to think of it like an addiction to smoking (I quit years ago by the way). Many will say “but I LIKE smoking”…well how on earth could one like inhaling cancer causing smoke into their mouth and lungs? You like the way it makes you FEEL. It’s the ADDICTION that is telling you, you like it. Everything about it is bad for you and you know it…it may even kill you…it controls your life, yet you still crave it, because when you’re doing it, you FEEL a certain way, and when you’re away from it you want those feelings.
Sociopaths are our addiction…they give us that “FEEL GOOD” sensation at some point, and despite all the bad that we subsequently learn about them, we still have difficulty breaking away. I tell myself over and over that cold turkey was the best thing I ever did, and time will eventually reduce the cravings. Slowly but surely, and with the help of our support group (LF) we WILL get past this.
I know exactly how you feel…don’t feel guilty or bad for the “CRAVING” it’s natural, and part of the healing process…be proud of yourself for not going out and buying a pack!
MariaLisa, what you describe is just like what a smoker describes after he gives up cigarettes. “I miss that cigarette after dinner.” “…the first one in the morning” “…the one with my coffee.”
You got a buzz from your own brain chemistry because of the thoughts you had when you were with him. Now you occasionally get a withdrawal pang. Me too. icky feeling. Makes me want to crawl in a hole because I realize it’s like saying, “I miss the road to hell I was on. Yeah, I know I was crawling around in a sewer with the devil, raping, pillaging and shooting up crank, but I miss it. Good times…”
For a tiny moment I forget what he is and I think if he was here I would tell him this or ask him that.
Then I realize ACK and feel gross.
We will find a new buzz from somewhere or someone or something and it will be so much better, it will be REAL.
LOL, Hummingbird, we were posting at the same time and both saw the correlation to smoking. Funny.
I guess I was lucky that we stopped having sex so many years ago. I never suffered withdrawal from that.
Skylar, Oh dear so are you saying you never have any cravings for sex? haha… that could be good or bad
I hope you’re only referring to sex with your ex…we can’t let these SP’s ruin our natural desires for REAL LOVING INTIMATE relations! I can’t even imagine kissing anyone else but him right now, but hopefully, maybe, possibly…SOMEDAY…I will have the opportunity to express love intimately with a decent caring NON SMOKING NON SOCIOPATH!!
Hummingbird
Sounds very familiar indeed. Thanks for that ( he loved cats btw, but he treated them weird and wasnt taking proper care of them, but he really was crazy about em). I just wonder do you honestly have times where you truly feel better off without him? I mean I sometimes think ( this is pretty crazy) if I would have never known what I know, if he would have just never stopped wearing his mask also: wouldnt I have been content enough. i know its sad to even say this. he seemed to understand me so well in a lot of instances, more so than others….i want that back…however i dont want the detached bond back…all the times there was no mask just the empty vessel. yeah that gave me chills, it did. i walked on eggshells and i thought it was love and i was more than happy to do it for this poor creature that only had love from me…gosh. Anyways my question would be isnt it so that most of the time you long back for what he made you believe him and you were?? I still do even thought I know that the real person is that hired someone to threaten me, meaning this person does not care about my safety. but he said so many profound things…will this ever end…
Shabbychic:
as you can read I too get totally frustrated. I am ashamed and embarrassed if anyone would find out HOW MUCH I actually think of him. Or topics related to him. I go through a zillion emotions everyday. In what way are you attracted still to him? I do wanna cuddle with him ( CRAZY EWWW!!) but I definitely dont like thinking back to sex with that detached person, yikes. I think I soley wanna cuddle him cause his body was always so calm and he smelled so good. his peaceful body really made me feel at ease. Very awkward…How can I be attached to someone who cannot attach?
Skylar
I have difficulty with the cigarette metaphor. My mind is weird; I think to myself in theory whats the problem with smoking the rest of your life if no one tells you its bad for you? Youll enjoy it, you may live a bit shorter but you wouldnt be able to tell before…Contrary to the cigarette sociopath also suck once in a while or most of the time They dont always talk smack to keep you hooked. And cigarettes always give you the satisfaction. Sociopaths tell you youre gonna be satisfied but they never do….right?
Blackdear:
You sound like a woman who has her shit together! You offer awareness, communication and live in the ‘here and now’.
Don’t beat yourself up about the trigger….it’s the awareness of it and the effect on you that is the importance.
We have been through so much trauma and betrayal, we can’t expect to heal from a long term – damaging to self esteem type relationship in a few short years….
I suspect we will have triggers maybe even for our lifetimes…..The difference is how we respond to them…..I think, the more we go through each individual experience, with our eyes open…..and our self awareness in tact, the more available we are to ourselves to deal with these issues.
We can’t predict (as you found out), just what it will be that will set us off…..it seems to just creep up when we least expect it…..Even in situations we thought we had ‘worked through’ with ourselves….
It’s all a lifetime journey!
BUT….you seem to be handeling it in stride and in a healthy way. I commend you!
Give yourself credit.
You are able to identify a healthy, normal man and enjoy his company for ‘what’ it is worth…..take it slow, and be contientious of it all….YOU-him and everything. Good for you!
I had one date this week and I am trying to keep myself busy, remind myself of the way to handle it all……and grow with the process….IF there is even a process to grow with here! 🙂
So…No, I can’t relate to the trigger from another man…..BECAUSE THERE HASN”T BEEN ONE TO TRIGGER ME THUS FAR……UNFORTUNATELY! 🙂
I have had others, mostly my kids provide (at times) constant triggers for me….When I catch them (the triggers), I have to remove myself from the situation and realize….it’s not them…..ITS ME! Don’t react…..Don’t react….work through these thoughts on your own EB!
You reacted…you were caught off guard, feeling safe and comfy…..you learned and it provoked a lot of feelings and growth in you….your guy reacted in a fantasticly loveing way!
Your lucky to have a new ‘friend’ to offer the triggers of growth for you! As unpleasant as they may be……you both seemed to handle it extremely well!!! KUDOS GIRL, KUDOS!!!
Welcome to LF….it’s always nice to have a new ‘face’ in our group!
Now that sex is brought up: does everybody here agree that they ( the sociopaths) are detached and thus unloving in bed? I thought it were downright awkward experiences that I couldnt understand whatsoever, so I guess I didnt try that hard at a certain point. I feel very sad as I say this, cause its just plain horrible ofcourse. I mean in the beginning it would seem very loving and special, but after a while…
I can understand if you would miss the sex, cause even bad sex means being touched and so forth and that is always nice, I mean it is natural to crave sex. But I just wanna make sure we all agree that it was below par.
Or are there differences here….