After the sociopath is gone: Loving being me.

When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.

I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.

Yet, I was.

How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?

In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.

And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.

I know what she means.

In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.

For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.

Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.

I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.

There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.

The sociopath had his game. He played it well.

And in the end, he lost.

Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.

I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.

I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.

In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.

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239 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: Loving being me."

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Yeah, those ones who give us that electricfying feeling are the ones who are hard to forget and are usually unavailable it seems. I can’t seem to figure that out…I’m sure I never will.

Louise-I think you WILL figure that out. It’s still too fresh for you maybe. It took me a long time, over 2 years to figure out that thing with the eyes for me. My narcissists have shown me the puppy dog, vulnerable brown eyes to draw me in-a man and a woman did it. I now know not to fall for those eyes and those eyes have become a big red flag to me. I got the same feelings from those eyes with both people and I sure am going to head the other way if I get those feelings from someone in the future.

Everytime I look into her eyes and get all squishy inside I just tell myself that I am looking at personality #2 and don’t fall for that. In time you will realize just what little quirks makes you fall for these people and you will learn to talk yourself around it.


hens and louise – oh, this is interesting. I met someone the other night at the talk i went to who actually got up and came to sit beside me after about 2 hours of the whole group sharing. i felt a pretty strong interest in what this person had to say – and wanted to ask questions of them. i actually felt a magnetic like pull. it’s a lovely and freaky thing to feel. we really hit it off and spoke for hours to one another within the larger group. i have been shutting down any thoughts i am having now and at the end of the evening spent a lot of time deconstructing the pull’s effect on my thinking ‘wondering’/ behaviour.

i have found that since the n (which was a time of re-awkening after 18 years single) that i feel these pulls and its like i become mesmerized. the pulls are both emotional and physical and lead to mental attachment and obsession. if i can break the attachment and obsession (which requires CONSTANT practice) then i think i can get to the underlying base of the ‘pull’.

i find it odd that i feel these pulls so intensely – if i were younger i might just run after people and sleep with them – but i know i can’t do that now as i don’t want to. i fall in love with people i sleep with, so i only want to sleep with a person I WANT to fall in love with and have a long term relationship with.


lizzy – ‘Everytime I look into her eyes and get all squishy inside I just tell myself that I am looking at personality #2 and don’t fall for that. In time you will realize just what little quirks makes you fall for these people and you will learn to talk yourself around it. ‘

well done!

One-thanks and I can totally get everything that you just wrote up above-about the magnetic pull. That’s what I get with THEM and those eyes and it leads to the magnetic pull and you all know about how obsessed I was with her, and I had to break it. I still can’t promise that I won’t fall for it again with another person down the line, but I am looking at living next door to her as good practice for what I could run into in the future. It is interesting and sometimes entertaining is hell. It’s like watching a research subject and I am so in tune with what she’s doing. I’m learning so much. I never could believe that I could see that being so close to one of THEM would be something positive. I see so many things on a daily basis that shows the N ness.

You will get better with the magnetic pull as time goes by and I also fall in love with someone if I sleep with them, so that is why I don’t go there. The object is to wait until you fall in love with someone and THEN sleep with them. That is my plan for life. Only right now, no one gets in cuz I’m not ready.

Still ok to have this come up 🙂 Sheesh, I’m just a bleeding heart, and I’m proud of it. At the school where I work as an interim teacher until New Year, there’s a small NP (a very small one). Anyway, there’s lots of stray cats running around the school, especially because some voluntary people leave out food at the gate where we teachers have our smoking spot outside of the schoolyard. Today I discovered there’s a kitten close to 4 months old has chosen the bushes near the food sources as its hiding places. It’ll hide from cars, but when the smokers stand near after a while he ventures out and seeks contact. By the second time I had a smoking pause there, he was ready to climb in my lap, purring to heart’s content, eager to play, even rolled on its back to get a belly rub. Poor thing has lost half its tail already (and it’s either sinew or part of the bone sticking out), but it must have been healed, since he’s perfectly fine with me stroking his tail. He does have earmite and highly probably has worms. And he has these cute orange-brown eyes… the colour you rarely see. At first, I was sure he’d be fine out there. But on my way driving home I decided to look for a cat adoption center in the neigbourhood of that school. He’s still young enough to have a chance to adapt to domesticated life, and he’s so social. Heck, I was able to pick him up without a problem several times, and he’d appear as soon as I made luring noises to hi. So, I don’t believe he’s been born in the wild.

He’s so cute, I’m tempted to take him in myself, but I cannot quarantaine him from my Darwin and such a kitten has to go through health check ups and quarantaine first. Plus my current appartment is too small for 2 cats.

But it doesn’t mean I cannot help him in finding a good home. So, I found and called a center near the school area. Once I told them about the tail and that I could pick him up, they told me to bring him in. Unfortunately I won’t be at the school before Thursday. I so hope he hangs around for 2 more days, and is neither lured by the drug addicts that apparently hang around there at night or chased off by the bigger tomcats. I’m almost tempted to try and make the 50 km drive tomorrow in the afternoon and get it done tomorrow.

I hope he hasn’t acquired any cat disease yet and stays around long enough for me to do what ensures giving him a good home. If he’s healthy and I manage to bring him to the center, I’m sure he’ll get adopted soon: pretty, supercute, and a defect… Apparently the handicapped pets are adopted the most over the non handicapped ones, because people who go to an animal shelter for a pet already have an altruistic intent to begin with, and none of them can resist a specia need pet.

onejoy – I missed your above post back on oct. 9, are you still in contact with this person that pushes your button’s? That was a very intimate thing you shared with us..kinda gave me goosebumples that you felt that way, this is a good sign I think, not just because of that person but that you had those feelings, you have been so walled off from that kind of emotion.
I fall in love a dozen time’s a day, from a distance and from behind my wall.
Darwinsmom – Your above post warmed my heart..thanx..hope that puty cat gets a good home because of you.

I also have a tender heart when it comes to animals. Go and get him, it will give you peace of mind and him a chance at a good life. A blessing for the both of you. Shalom

So many hopeful thoughts in this article. Thanks Donna, for this,

“It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I am meant to be.”

I am capable of love..when it is reciprocated, I will give it again…someday. I will not lie down in the dirt again and let my “self” be battered. I can be a wonderful and “happiness-embodying/spreading” human being, when I am not in the midst of emo-spiritual-mental torture by an evil man.

Love-happiness-peace to all,


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