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After the sociopath is gone: Loving being me.

When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.

I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.

Yet, I was.

How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?

In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.

And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.

I know what she means.

In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.

For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough — without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.

Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ”˜better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ”˜all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.

I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.

There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.

The sociopath had his game. He played it well.

And in the end, he lost.

Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.

I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got — because it is.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.

I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.

In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am — I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.


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239 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: Loving being me."

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today im feeling confused. i just feel like i have’nt even started to heal from this mess. Im just so hurt from all of this. i gave my whole life to this man, i spent every day with this man. all i wanted was him to love me the right way, make me important. i thought we were a team i thought it was him and i. Im going thru this all alone, while he has friends to hang out with, to go to dinner with, to go on trips with. I have to rebuild my life all over again, i have to find friends, i have to learn how to love and trust again. I just want to be able to wake up and not think about him anymore.

i know that my post really ist about the entry but i needed to vent.

Dear Blondie,

I think most of us at one time or another have felt like your post seems to indicate you are feeling right now…that he/they are out there somewhere “doing well” while we are devestated and having to “start over from scratch.”

If it is any consolation, his “friends to hang with” are not truly friends, because he isn’t capable of having REAL friends, and you are. He isn’t capable of bonding with others, with loving someone else, and YOU ARE.

Your life will be better, his will always be the same—without love. He can’t give it and truly can’t receive it either. You will learn to trust again, just with some caution and not without proving that the trust is well placed. That’s NOT A BAD THING. One of the things that makes us vulnerable to the Bad People is that we are too trusting, too caring, and too uncautious. Just like a trusting child will wander up to any dog and stick out his hand, maybe to be bitten, but the child learns that not ALL dogs are friendly, so learns to be cautious with strange dogs. Not a bad thing at all.

In having had the psychopath experience we realize that there ARE people in this world that are EVIL, that will “bite” like the bad dog, but we learn from this not to blindly trust every person we meet. That’s a GOOD thing. We also learn just how strong we are, what POWER WE Have.

Have faith my friend, Blondie, you will wake up one day and realize you haven’t thought about him in YEARS! (((hugs))))

My life before I met him, the relationship shared, and then after. Who am I? I am still me. Still loving life and all that life has to offer. Good or bad, they are just experiences to be learned. Every day, every hour, every minute, I smile to myself while I am enjoying the moment and say “I am here, right now, this very minute, a gift from God, thank you God I am enjoying the path that you have guided me to”. Thank you God for loving me! Thank you God for allowing me to grow.

Hello again…….I say again because I was once here about 4-5 months ago..maybe not so long but with a different name. I cant use that name anymore because I dont want him to know I am on any sites nor that I am talking about him. When i was on we did discover that my boyfriend is in fact a S. I didnt want to believe it and chance after chance I gave him. He lives out of state, but we talk regularly and he visits every 3months or so. We have had plans on getting married, said he wants kids.. and swears I am the only one. I have had MANY problems of an ex of his emailing me and such about him and her still talking, him stalking her and such… but ofcourse he denied it or had reasons why they spoke..such as he was helping her out with something. His last trip here was GREAT he is so wonderful…I see all these blogs about how the man took them for their money, used them and such. But my S actually gives me money and helps out where needed with my bills. But i have noticed when we fight and I am on the urge of breaking up he uses that against me by telling me he has done for me more then any other man in my life has, then tells me i am just a loser and a user.
anyway my point here i guess is that right now i am hurt beyond i could imagine. I heard 3 voice mails of his from THREE different women. Each expressing some type of feelings for him as he as expressed to them. One mentioned loving him. One asked if he really cares for her as he says he does..and the one was in town wanting to see him. Now ofcourse this only means that our plans of marriage and kids were all just fake to him…..RIGHT?? I know duh…..
Do i just stop taking his calls and stop calling him…or should i tell him i know about the other women and then stop. He gets so angry with his words and puts me down when he gets mad. He has once made it clear that I can not leave him. I always thought it was lucky for me he lives in a different state but he has threaten to just show up if need be regarless where i live….words by him.
thanks

Hello to you learningme:

We are all glad you are back no matter what name you decide to use. After you read what you are interested in reading and learning from this source, feel free to share what you want with us as we all regain our peace of mind and freedom to being the best that we are.

Peace.

Hello all,

This is my first post, and I want to say thank you to the women who are being honest and open here. It’s been four months since I discovered my love is a psychopath and cut off all contact with him, and I’m still stuggling to regain my hope and trust in life and myself. I’ve been looking for books, resources – anything to help me make sense of this, and there are so few places for victims of psychopaths/sociopaths to get and share information. Finally!

ML – your words are inspiring and give me hope that I am not alone and things will improve. I know in my gut that I was played because, like you, I wanted my prince to save me and learned the hard way there is no such thing. I can only save myself and have to live that way from this day forward. Best wishes to all here!

Dear Learning me,

I think I remember your story, and the psychopaths have various techniques and they are all about CONTROL. It doesn’t matter if they grain control by taking money or by giving money, it is still all about control. My X-BF was big into giving money to his GFs because he thought that made him the “big man” to them, impressed them, but I refused his offers of gifts of support, or buying me things (appliances etc) by telling himm that I don’t need a man to provide for my needs, I provide for my own.

Your own words in your post, that he calls you a “loser” and a “user” show that he did not give you “gifts” but PAYMENTS ON CONTROL. Gifts are given for love and care, NOT ULTIEOR MOTIVES.

My suggestion, since you asked is that you send him a text or e mail and say IT IS OVER, DO NOT CONTACT ME. I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR CALLS OR E MAILS. Then block his number, block his e mails. If he shows up at the door, do not open it, and if he persists in banging on the door, call the police.

NO CONTACT, no listening to or reading his words. Cut him out of your life like you would a malignant tumor on your nose. CUT IT OFF before it kills you. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER.

Welcome, Marla, I am so glad you are no contact for your sake. Come here and read and learn and heal. You sound like you are already well on the way to healing. There will be some bumps, but you have taken back YOUR POWER and that will heal you, I promise!!!!

IM SO SICK OF EVERYTHING TODAY!!! IAM SO ANGRY. IM SO SICK OF PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE YOUR FRIEND. IM SO SICK OF MY EX S KNOWS EVERYTHING THAT I DO SINCE WE SEPEARTED, ITS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. IM NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG, ITS JUST THE FACT THAT IF I GO TO A BAR HE DOEST NEED TO KNOW, BC NOBODY TOLD ME WHEN HE WAS WITH THE OTHER WOMEN, NO ONE TOLD ME WHEN HE WENT OUT FOR HER BIRTHDAY, OR WHEN HE TOOK HER TO THE BASKETBALL GAME. NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE WHOLE F****** RELATIONSHIP. NO ONE IS TELLING ME WHAT HE IS DOING NOW.

Dear Blondie,

I hear ya babe! It is frustrating and crazy making and anger producing. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right….but it is just the way it is.

Scream and yell, and do whatever you have to do to get it out of your system! We’re here for you, and we DO understand. (((hugs))))

I was cleaning up my computer, putting files where they belong and came across how I searched the net years ago when I started to heal.

I hope these thoughts touch your heart as they did mine.

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The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.

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If there is any kindness I can show, Any goodness I can do, Let me do it now, For I shall not pass this way again.

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Lord, Help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can’t handle.

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Eschatological Journey Death, Judgement, Heaven, Hell Intentional life Is life lived well. Space and time Each is mine. Breathe in, breathe out Freely choose And turn about. ~ David Thompson © May 21, 1999

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Guaranteed to make you smile….
[Not proven to be fact – Only Neil Armstrong would know for sure]

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions. Just as he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space program.

Over the years many questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom window.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

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God, grant me the /Serenity/ to accept the things I cannot change, /Courage/ to change the things I can, and /Wisdom/ to know the difference, accepting hardships as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Amen !

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Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, And saw within the moonlight in his room, Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, An angel writing in a book of gold. Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, And to the presence in the room he said, “What writest thou?” The vision raised it’s head, And with a look made of all sweet accord. Answered, “The names of those who love the Lord.” “And is mine one?” said Abou. “Nay, not so,” replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, But cheerly still, and said, “I pray thee, then, Write me as one that loves his fellowmen.” The angel wrote and vanished. The next night It came again, with a great wakening light. And showed the names whom love of God had blessed. And, lo! Ben Adhem’s name led all the rest!

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Know what it is to be a child? It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief. It is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear. It is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowliness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its soul. . ~ Francis Thompson

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I have been to the end of the earth. I have been to the end of the waters. I have been to the end of the sky. I have been to the end of the mountains. I have found none that are not my friends

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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here. Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go. Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.

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Grow old along with me The best is yet to be When our time is come We will be as one God bless our love God bless our love Grow old along with me Two branches are one tree Face the setting sun When the day is done God bless our love God bless our love Spending our lives together Man and the wife together World without hurt World without hate Grow old along with me Whatever thee decrees We’ll see it thru For our love is true God bless our love God bless our love

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The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller

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I must conquer my loneliness alone. I must be happy with myself, or I have nothing to offer. Two halves have little choice but to join; and yes, they do make a whole. But two wholes when they coincide. . . That is beauty. That is love.

Peace and all God’s virtues to every one.

learningme,
my SP was also a “giver”. Within two months he put me on his bank account, even though I never asked to be, because he said I should be on it in case of emergencies. (Bail money I’m thinking).

He gave me LOTS of stuff, always paid for dinners. I NEVER asked for this because there was an underlying feeling in my gut that there were strings attached. And there were. Whenever we got in a fight he demanded the things back and told me he just lent them to me. The thing was, I knew what he was doing and I was tough. The more I told him “No, Im not giving it back to you, you gave it to me as a gift”, the more belligerent and nasty he got. Then after we made up he would say, “I didnt mean it…you can have it…I wanted to give it to you”. This would go back and forth constantly. His words and “truth” changed according to how well I was “behaving” and how well we were getting along.

He brought up many times how he would pay for me or help me. I never asked for his help but he would INSIST and not take no for an answer. This was all leverage to maintain control when things got bad.

At first I thought this was the most generous self sacrificing guy I’d ever met. Little did I know. Even the words he “gave” me were used as leverage.

Heres the thing. He’s like this with EVERYONE. It’s manipulation to make people think he’s the greatest thing since wallpaper. He had two best female friends. They were called “sweetheart”, “beautiful” , “special” as I was. It never set well with me and when confronted he said that EVERYONE is beautiful and special in their own way. How can you argue with THAT?

He gave me a really nice expensive necklace once…just because. A week later, we go to his friends house and he presents to one of his best female friends (who was sitting there with her boyfriend), an almost identical necklace from the same jeweler AND a bracelet for her belated birthday. Wow..I felt so “special” and when I brought up the issue that that was a somewhat personal item to give a platonic female friend and made the one he gave me less special (even though he took it upon himself to say that I was with him when he bought it…I had NO idea he was going to do that!) he argued that I was being petty. In my sarcasm I said, “why dont we buy her some lingerie next time?”

I was accused of being petty and jealous. They LOVE to instigate situations and then sit back and watch the fireworks.
Of course he “apologized” and said he didnt mean it. That’s his way out of his situations. “I didnt mean to blah blah blah”, “It wasnt my intention to blah blah blah”. And yet he kept doing shit like this constantly. I started thinking to myself, either this guy is a major head f**ker or he’s just plain stupid. Probably a little of both.

Dear Indiechick,

My X BF-P did the same kind of crap with the “gifts”—with all his other girlfriends he bought them things, like washers, dryes, cars, paid their rent etc. but when he first started dating me and started to try to do the same thing I REFUSED and it was like it was an insult to him.

A long time ago I learned that you “beware of Greeks bearing gifts” and that many people when they give a “gift” it is not a gift at all but a PAYMENT ON CONTROL. My mother is that way and I would live in a tent and eat out of a McDonald’s dumpster before I would take a dime from her even if she was offering it.

I have always been very financially independent since my first marriage (my FIL was a P) he would “do things” for us or “give us gifts” and then make us PAY FOR IT WITH BLOOD. I learned from that to not be “indebted” to anyone for anything.

My husband bought me gifts but he never extracted payment for them…so I am very CAREFUL who I accept favors from. Or “gifts”—-part of it is my Scots-Irish heritage in that you do not become indebted to anyone you don’t completely TRUST. Or that the relationship is not a very close or blood one. You can DO favors but are careful about the ones you accept.

It is obvious that you picked up a “red flag” from his “gift giviing” and his CONTROL about them.

My x had grown up feeling “poor” and when he got to where he felt “rich” (he was only middle class not wealthy) he got a good feeling about being so “generous” and feeling good about HIMSELF with a “gift”—

I grew up without a lot, but I never FELT “Poor” or that those that had “More” were looking down on me because my house wasn’t as big as theirs or whatever. I never felt “low class” because I didn’t equate money with “class” and “status”—I never have and don’t guess at my age 61 I ever will. Some of the most wealthy people in thenation are in my opinion “low class” and some of the poorest I know are HIGH CLASS people.

Whatever a Psychopath does, is about THEM not about you, so even if they are “nice” and give you a gift it is all about making THEM FEEL GOOD, not you.

I think you are well on your way to learning what you need to know about these people, the red flags. Knowledge is POWER and that is what we have to do is take back our power.

When I was involved with the psychopaths (family or SO) I felt powerless—no I am IN CONTROL of MY LIFE. I won’t give that power away to anyone again without first being dead sure that they won’t stomp my heart! And at the FIRST red flag waving, I am GONE!

Dear blondie: Just think of the compassion you will have gathered by the time the other woman posts here for help? Cheer up. Every time you are feeling low, remember to stop in your tracks and pay attention to your breathing… breath deep, continue paying attention to your breath going in and out of your lungs … inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale … listening to the rhythm of your breathing … until you come as one with the Holy Spirit who resides in each and every one of us. At the beginning of this process it will take you a while to get into the “now”, the more you practice, the quicker you will be able to get into the “now”. Being in the “now” is God’s love,

Peace to your heart and soul. Be kind to yourself as you heal … you will get back to being the best that you always were.

“Whatever a Psychopath does, is about THEM not about you, so even if they are “nice” and give you a gift it is all about making THEM FEEL GOOD, not you.” – Funny Ox…I had that sense during the first month I was with him, but alas…I ignored it thinking it’s probably in my head. Maybe I was the one with trust issues.

It’s going on day 5 of NC with him. He hasn’t called. This is highly unusual. I’m waiting for the bomb to drop. But because of all of you I feel so strong and clear headed and NOT ANGRY! I see now how I allowed this man to get into my head to the point that all I thought about was how I was going to exact revenge. I dont want to do that anymore. I dont want to “help” him see the error of his ways…I cant…its futile. I will refuse to buy into the pity party if he calls back…which I suspect will be any time now. He can leave his messages, which I download on my comp for evidence of his crazy and erratic behavior. Listening to those helps me to really see the inconsistencies.

One thing you mentioned…regarding families. I had been to ACOA years ago and thought I had “recovered”. I found that with jerkboy, I was caught in the same triangular trap from upbringing that I thought I had licked years ago.

A few times he would spend the night at his mothers because it was closer to where he was working and with gas the way it is, it was cheaper to stay at his moms. Ive never met his family partly because after 20 years of being married to a man with controlling parent issues I didnt want to deal with the inlaw crap…so it was my decision to respectfully back out anytime he would invite me to a family function.

I asked a number of times about his upbringing because I suspected there was some type of family dysfunction or abuse going on, but he claimed his parents didnt drink and were the most normal people in the world. (His father died about 5 years ago from alzheimers). The mother seemed like a nice lady (I talked to her on the phone a few times), but a bit “dingy” or “flaky”…kind of scattered, but nice and very sweet.

He has this little niece about 2 years old (his sisters kid). It seems the sister is a bit of a flake and dumps the kid off at the 70 year old mom’s house most of the week because she works…or does whatever. My SP was never married (red flag right there!!!) so he goes to help his mom watch the child sometimes.

A few times I got a call while he was at his mom’s. The kid was running rampant and they didnt know what to do. Now she’s 2 and going thru terrible two’s. I told him they need to set boundaries with this child or she’s gonna be a holy terror. You could hear screaming and craziness in the background as the mother (his mother) is trying to get this kid to settle down. He would say, “we just can’t control her..what should we do?” It was like listening to utter chaos in the background.
I would give them suggestions, but neither of them took them. They couldnt set boundaries. They had no clue about time outs. They thought that was extreme and mean.

The reason I’m writing this is because it gave me a good indicator as to what his mother’s child rearing techniques were. No boundaries. Frantic craziness in letting the kid run wild. It occured to me that this was probably how he was raised. I wonder if this can create sociopathic behavior in individuals. If a child is never told “no” and is allowed to do whatever they want…no discipline in other words…do they feel entitled and do sociopathic patterns emerge?

I was always somewhat of a compassionate drill sargeant with my kids. They KNEW the boundaries and if they crossed them they had to reap the consequences. My kids are for the most part well adjusted young adults. I was bound and determined not to repeat my parents mistakes with my own kids. It amazed me how unwilling they were to discipline this sweet little “monster”.

God has a plan for each of our lives.

James 5:7-8

Maybe it’s just me.

I’m pretty sure it’s not, but maybe it is.

I want things to go my way.

Not some of the time.

Not most of the time; all of the time.

I want to be in charge of my life.

I want things to work out according to my plan, my agenda.

And because of that, I can grow impatient with God’s timing.

I try to get him to follow my time line.

But few things are as dangerous as, and nothing is more futile than, trying to control God.

God has a plan for each of our lives.

And the Bible tells us that his plan is much better than our own.

We may not understand it; we may not even agree with it.

But when we are patient in following God’s plan, as James tells us,

we will come to a point of seeing that his time line is perfect.

And we’ll realize that he wants the best for our lives.

Don’t grow impatient with God.

Instead, trust in his plan, have patience and discover

how truly valuable the crop is that God has in store for you.
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Be patient, then, bros/sis/ters, until the Lord’s coming.

See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop

and how patient s/he is for the autumn and spring rains.

You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

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A Prayer for Today

Dear God, As I go through life, so often I grow impatient.

I want to rush through each day, trusting in my own plans rather than yours.

Help me to be patient.

And help me see that your time line for my life is perfect.

And that when I follow your plan,

I will experience life unlike ever before.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Peace to every one’s heart and soul.

Indiechick,

Thanks for the reply to my post. I think I am still in this “just maybe” phase and I am searching for excuses to tell myself that (just maybe) he isnt a S. Even after I heard the messages of the other women talking to him one way or another about “their” relationship with them (and it was a “I am your friend type talk) I feel like I am telling myself that they are the ones that feel something for him, that he only feels the way he does about me with me, they are just hoping that he will love them like he does me. I am being stupid I know. UGH!! Even now everything just seems all fine. He has no clue that I heard those messages. He is talking about me looking for houses here for when he moves here but I am afraid to move into something by myself and then not be able to afford it so I so far have stayed where I am.
When he talks to me I cant imagine him talking like that with somone else. I HAVE TO BE THE ONLY ONE HE LOVES. HE TELLS ME THAT!! I mean we talk marriage, babies…and so forth. What if I did get pregnant (something he wants Badly) Is he really wanting that with just ANYONE.?? I am just so confused. I hate this feeling and that I let him continue to do this to me knowing WAY back in the back of my mind just maybe something is wrong with this whole story….

OH SORRY…THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REPLIED TO MY POSTS AS WELL…..

Especially written for Lilygirl, but with all in mind…..

She gazes out her window
Eyes full with unshed tears
A delicate hand grips the sill
The other flutters
Resting on hip, then combing
through hair
Her breath ragged, thin, constricting
She exudes sorrow in every smooth
curve of her body, every fine line.
Defeat, eternal weariness occupies
her posture.

Startled by motion, movement
Her reflection in the glass
Same, but not same
Eyes glistening with fierce life, love
Luminous power, striking in force
The face smiles benevolently at her
She whispers, where did you go?
I am but a shade of you
I’ve been with you always, waiting
here inside your heart, says the serene face
Shall we merge and be one again? Will you
grasp my hand in yours? Are you beginning
to believe in your truth? That you are beautiful
beyond compare?

Yes, She replies with conviction
The face in the glass and She unite as once
was, together combined
She sprints like a gazelle to her bathroom mirror
Bounding with joy and eagerness
I am me again, I am free, liberated from
evil tyranny, liberated from sinister control
I exist and I am valuable
I am resplendent in my beauty

Jane—That was beautiful! I remember not too long ago, just a few short week’s ago, I had lost something, something I couldnt comprehend, something was broken, something was missing. It was me that was lost, where had I gone, it was such a feeling of loss, one that I didn’t understand. How can one lose themselve’s? Very slowy the person you were becomes someone very confused. Call it brainwashing, control, illusion whatever. But that (me) I used to be and know would never let this happen. I have found him (me), he was buried under alot of drama, alot of stress, alot of fog. I am back, I can walk in my beautiful yard and see the efforts of years of landscaping, planting thing’s that come back every spring and mutiply and get bigger. I stop and listen to the Whiperwill’s like I used too. I take time to watch the sun set. All these thing’s I used too do when I was just me. I am one again, not part of a lie, not an illusion. Maybe I am selfish right now but I don’t want to share me with anyone that doesn’t love me truly. I know who those people are. They respect me and only wish for my happiness and well being…

Indiechick,

PSychopathic behavior and thinking is part genetic and part environmental as medical science now views it. There are several great threads here, so I won’t try to go into all of it again, they are better written than I could, so go back and read the archives essays and blogs, it will take a while but there is some wonderful information on there.

Yes, there are some red flags in almost all of the Ps, that most of the time we ignore or gloss over.

The “triangle” of victim, presecutor, and rescuer is a common one with us (victims of Ps) and god knows just how much I played into the triangle from my childhood days on. I was aware of these things, but didn’t process them into myself the way I should have done. I guess I did it intellectually but not emotionally and I ran on emotions not logic.

I have realized too that healing is not a destination, it is a journey and we will never totally “arrive”—we just have to keep making progress toward the goal. Old, ingrained “microchips” of guilt and so on will always try to crash our “program” like a virus in a computer, but we just have to pick ourselves up and get back on the healing road.

Accepting that I WAS INVOLVED doesn’t blame Me for what the Psychopaths did, they had NO right to treat me that way, but I did allow it. Now, I am going to do my best NOT to allow abuse, to learn to set boundaries and to strictly enforce them.

I am fortunate that I have a great network of supportive friends and my two sons. I have NCd my mother and my P-son, my X-BF P, and every other P I have ever been associated with. I am careful and cautious about who I let into my circle of trust now, but not paranoid so much as just using good sense. I want to trust people, but at the same time, I’m not going to be anyone’s fool. Life is getting much much better and there is more peace and calm and joy in life for now. I’m doing things for ME that I need and enjoy, and not worrying about others lives.

I’m still the same caring, giving person I was, but I no longer cast my pearls before swine to trample into the mud, and turn and rend (tear) me, as Jesus spoke to his disciples.

I’m a forgiving person, but forgiveness doesn’t mean that I will ever trust that person again. Trust is earned not given as a gift. Once betrayed, trust may never again be restored to that person. I try to treat others with respect and expect respect and kindness in return.

The best revenge IS to live a good and happy life.

Thank you, Henry…you precious, adorable, lovable REAL man.

I laughed my booty off regarding your “fry the psycho’s cell phone in the microwave” comments. I know at the time you were hurt and frustrated, but when you look back don’t ya just gotta laugh at the absurdity these freaks cause us?…haha.

And my heart went out to you when you thought by discussing the psycho’s sexual dysfunction/nasty behavior that some of us “may not respond to you anymore” NO WAY! HE is the wacky doo not you. I get that. We get that. I think I’ve blocked much of the utterly bizarre deviant behavior my X psychos had, in an effort to keep my brain clean…haha.

I’m so glad you’re loving yourself, because you are also valuable, priceless, resplendent in your own beauty. *cheek smooch*

Henry, I double ditto what Jane said. BTW Jane, lovely lovely poem, thanks for sharing!

Awh Shuck’s you two—–Im gonna cry, nah, I am through with crying. Thanks It is so great to have this place and these understanding people to vent with. I never ever could of told anyone, the thing’s we talk about here. I felt a weight lift when I posted about his cell phone antic’s. Like oxy say’s, lance that boil and get the puss out…..yuck, yeah he was yuck……….

Thanks, Oxy 🙂

Ya know, I’ve been thinking (a rare occurence, but bear with me on this) I think your user name doesn’t quite capture the spirit of who you are.

hmm…I suggest the shiny new name…Woman Extraordinaire!!

So? How bout it?

I love this site! We should all be proud of ourselves.. we got out.
Blondie.. I feel for you, and I know how you feel. Who and what a sociopath is and how they operate wil become more and more clear as time passes… until then, it will just hurt because being a normal person.. you cant imagine not caring about anyone. He will use people for everything and anything.. including keeping tabs on you. Manipulators and control freaks to the core!

My ex socipath abandon our child (Thank God!!) he doesnt get attention anymore from us.. I had to cut the people out of my life who would report back to him what we are doing. Once I did.. he dumped them too.
It has been a very long time since there has been any contact. Until last week… he found my sons myspace page and wrote him.. ‘I dont have much time left’…
My son blocked him….
Just to check. I logged on to his insurance and he hasnt been to the Dr in 6 months.
Sociopaths will do anything for attention. They are creepy and sick.

I went accross my ex-sociopath facebook profile. This is what I saw:

Networks: San Francisco, CA
Sex: Female
Looking For: Networking
Birthday: September X
Religious Views: reality

“networking”…”reality”…knowing that she is a sociopath I thought that just those two words resemble her so much….

Dear loux2: With attorney’s involved you only get a small percentage of any semblance of truth coming out during a court case … all the rest is what can be brought forth in court about the 2 parties involved and the rest of it …. is … SHOW TIME so all the attorneys can smile for the cameras on your dime. Definitely, another venue that needs FIXING. Even in depositions … hired attorney’s preventing truth being printed in court documents, hold up a piece of paper with the questions they want to ask … your response to the paper questions is of course … yes or no. No need to keep wondering why our world stays the same.

Peace.

Dear Jane,

Thank you for the compliment! Actually I’m proud of my “handle” because it isn’t just any woman who can get in front of 4,000 pound of steers (oxen) with a “switch” the size of a number two pencil, only 3 times longer, and make them think that she is “god” and they obey! It’s a real power trip! LOL

I’m one of only two female ox drovers in the southern US, though there are some in New England. My ancestors, including the women, plowed their fields with these patient and gentle beasts. They are part of the persona I chose to represent for the living history demonstrations that a group I belong to does. I portray a widow about 1830, with 5 small children, moving across the country with her children and a yoke (two) of oxen pulling a cart. This character is taken from my own ancestor who did just that, moving from Missouri to Arkansas with the youngest five of her 10 children at age 45, to be near her brother and parents when she was widowed for the second time and her youngest child was 4.

She raised those children by herself without another husband, and also two orphaned grandchildren after the civil war and died at age 86, full of years and honors on a farm she paid for herself by working her land. My family still lives on that hard earned land. I feel a connection to that woman, I can almost feel her spirit guiding me sometimes. I was fortunate that I got a grand oral history about this woman which was supplemented by many court and other documents. There is something to be said for a litiguous family! They leave records! LOL

I’m glad to be back home again, leaving here last year, thinking I might never be able to return to this land I love and cherish, and hold as a steward for another generation, was a great horrible decision. After roaming the world for so many years, being here the last nearly 20 now is very comforting. It is my sanctuary. To have that sanctuary abused, and by my own P-son and his minions was I think the hardest part of it all.

Just being back now, and having the “dark cloud of evil” lifted from this place is comforting in itself. Not being able to have a relationship with my mother was another big hurdle to cross, but I have crossed that river I think finally as well. I am fortunate though that I still have two wonderful sons and a host of wonderful friends, and many of those friends are HERE on this blog. You have given me comfort and courage when I started to tire, lifted me up when I have fallen.

Life is good, and the journey is getting easier the more I learn and practice new skills. It amazes me that almost a year has gone by since the arrest of my DIL (NOW X) and the Trojan HOrse P, and the healing started in earnest. It has been a year of changes, but also a year of tremendous growth and satisfaction. I’m doing things for ME now that I never thought were possible. Letting myself do what is important to my welfare and happiness, and living more in the NOW and less in the future or the past.

Thanks again, Jane for your vote of confidence, you really dont’ know just how much it means coming especially from you! ((((BIG BEAR HUG))))))

Dear M.L. Gallagher: I could care less whether I see my EX ever again. I just wished these characters glowed slime green so we ‘d know to walk big circles around them. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. As I wrote down what it was that I liked about my EX I noticed something. Never did we argue. Not once. I argued with him, but he’d just walk away. I thought he’d probably was in some classes teaching him the walk away technique and I told him … words are not the same thing as physical violence. It’s OK to have a disagreement. That fell on deaf ears too. What I noticed about him and what other people are writing on this blog and the addiction they are finding … that overwhelms them is … these characters know exactly what people want. They play the perfect partner. No flaws. No disagreements, no hassles, no frustrations. That’s the hook. Then when they’re ready to leave is when the flaws come in, the disagreements, the attitudes etc. But, we still can’t see it … the shift … the knowing it’s over … because they aren’t being truthful. They’re reassuring us that everything is OK … but in the background … they know they moved on. It’s not until they don’t come home … is that we know it’s over. That’s the pain. Because we got hit by a train and we didn’t even know we were being guided to the tracks.

I’m breathing now. Have to go and focus on my breathing exercises.

Peace.

Dear Wini, What you say is so right. Myself and my ex never argued once face to face. He used to mobile phone to text me nasty messages when he was displeased – but I rarely saw him lose his ‘cool’. Even when he went to thump a bloke in the woods, he did it so calmly and out of sight – that I wondered if he had pretended. What was true and what was bluff – was the big stumbling block to me.

I ‘knew’ he was keeping his thoughts to himself and I said to him, anytime you can talk to me, (thinking we can stocp our thoughts sabotaging the relationship). But now looking back, he gave up really early on (or he had never really run with the relationship) and I held him at arms length for quite a while, because it was not that he was a low status person, it was because I suspected something about him, that he was cruel, so although I gave out parts of me, some parts I kept back.

That’s the worst bit, realising that you have been ‘had’, when you have been genuinely trying to give to that person. Betrayal.

I forgot Wini…… Im breathing too!! Breathing…breathing…

The other big realisation for me, was seeing that his ‘feet’ had never really hit base in the relationship – he had never really unpacked his bags. His relationships dont last more than a year and he said he had trouble finding a girlfriend. I saw at the end, that he has no trouble at all in finding girlfriends – he cannot keep them – he is an alpha male – but he knows that none of the women are perfect enough for him and so he ascertains the womans qualities in relationship to HIMSELF and so he fast tracks himself through relationships without investing too much, so that he can withdraw and keep his options open, even if it means spending time alone.

Mine claimed that women just didn’t “approach” him and that he’d never had much luck with gaining the attention of a woman. LOL! Why would a woman need to approach him when he was approaching every single woman he came in contact with? Although, I was married to him for nearly 7 years, he would say little things that made me feel as though he was just “passing through”. He didn’t talk about me, our home, or anything else as though they were long term. He even spat out at me when he was leaving “nothing’s forever”. Then, he left my 26 year old son (from a previous marriage) the strangest note. In the note he said “7 years is a long time but it’s not a lifetime”. I have NO idea what he meant by that statement.

Hi Beverly: Me too. I enjoyed my morning … the birds had this nice melody going on … from tree to tree … all the different music they made … the squirrels were busy getting what they could out of the hazel nut bush in the corner of my yard. These little critters are so funny … I feed them peanuts during the year … I lighten up on it mid spring until late fall … because they can naturally get what they need during the warm months … but boy oh boy in the winter … if I don’t put those nuts out for them … they come up to my bedroom window and knock on it … driving my cats nuts … like “mom, what do these guys want”. I tell them … mind your business … they want to eat too. I go to the back door and put the nuts into their tray. They are so much fun to watch.

Anyway, what did you think about Tolle’s explanation about the ego? Some are in check and others … our EX’s are out of control. I think if they were forced by the courts … incarcerated in “Romper Room”, the pee wee hermans of the world can learn to quiet their minds … after quieting their minds … focus on reading the word of God. They have to be incarcerated in Roper Room to do this … cause living in the EGO the way they do, they WON’T do it on their own. I think our prison systems have to change and get it up to speed with what Tolle is explaining. I just though of something last night and wrote it to henry. If you want, check our the parable I remembered. Just came to mind what henry wrote, so I wrote it back to him. I also thought of something (isn’t it weird how things pop into your mind when people trigger them???”, I wrote about the love he lost and reminded him where to find it. It was never gone. Write back, I miss chatting with you.

Peace.

tami look at the bright side. At least he got to know a great soul and her son for seven years.

Peace.

Hi Wini, I found one of your threads. Yes, my exN had the BIGGEST ego ever. On one of our many splits, I wrote a list to myself of his negative qualities with a heading that said ‘A list to remind myself not to go back with him again’. The list said; unyielding, rigid, angry, secretive, punishing, neglecting, controlling, stubborn, selfish, manipulative, immature, unforgiving, self protected. I believe that these are the qualities of a walled up ego. When I tried to introduce him to meditation and suchlike, he returned the books and articles saying to me ‘I solve my own problems’.

Problem is Wini, that many people with personality disorder live underneath the legal system, they dont get caught, they just spin their chaos in secret. I wish his next gf would come and speak to me, I bet she has no idea what he is capable of, although she probably thinks he is weird. Yes, I read the parable about the scorpion and turtle – I have my own little parable on the hamster. My daughter and I share a hamster called ‘cornflake’ and I handle him alot – the day I told someone he has never bit me, he did bite me!! I replied to your other thread Wini, but it has disappeared up the screen, will try and find it. Best Wishes Wini. (Angela)

I just went back and re-read the first article/essay on this thread and got to thinking about it again. I really do miss my husband, and with the anniversary just past of his death (4 yrs) this has been particularly a “missing” week, but even still, I plan my schedule of what I do each day around ME. There is no one I have to play my day around. I an totally FREE to be “selfish” in any way I wish right here in my place.

I can eat when I am hungry, sleep when I am tired, work when I feel motivated, and not when I’m not motivated. I can stay in, go out. Do whatever I like. There is no one I have to take into consideration in myplans. There is a certain freedom in that that can’t be had if you have others you must consider in your day—no matter how much you love them.

In a week or ten days my son D will be back home from his summer job and I will start to have to consider him somewhat in planning my day so we can coordiante our efforts on the joint projects we are working on, but in many many ways being “alone” is the ultimate freedom for me at least.

The down sides like having to mow my own grass now aren’t all that big of a deal—or, I could just let it grow since the neighbors cant’ see it and out here in the boonies there’s no one to give you a citation for not mowing your lawn!

Beverly: My EX has perfected his dysfunction. He acts normal. Cooks, cleans, does laundry, takes the garbage out, cuts the lawn, builds/repairs things, never argues, ended up making me say I was sorry for accusing him of stuff, attends church, goes to wakes/funerals/weddings/church functions with you, enjoys your family and friends … yadda, yadda, yadda … kisses you good bye … and then weeks/months later when you go looking for something, he stole it … then comes the liens on your house cause he bilked up your credit cards to the max … and stole money out of your bank account all along, writing himself checks and signing your name … stroking you and stroking you … so you are off your guard … totally trashes you … then is off to his next unsuspecting victim. So’s he’s built himself a better mouse trap … living off of women, taking them for everything he can get his greedy little hands on … not working … so he can show the courts he has no income to pay his ex for his child support … asked me for money for the support and that he’d pay me back …. yadda, yadda, yadda … you know that story … lied and cheated and dated other women and spent my money on them … pretends he’s starting a business and takes every investor for their money (mine too) … and scoots on down the road to another state, living off another woman … and he’ll do this until the day he dies. Talk about “catching more flies with honey”. So, I hate reading everyone beating up on themselves … you just never know. A nice guy can be such a slime in disguise. There is no warning signs with this character. My EX has perfected his game. He knows what he can get arrested on and what he can’t. He knows who will come after him and who won’t. He knows even if you sue him in court … big deal, try to collect. He knows all the flaws of the system and plays them to the hilt. And he knows that most men have been burned at one point in their lives … so attorneys, the courts, the police, investigators … they’re all in the brotherhood of “good, she got it … some guy finally got some woman and got away with it”. The Good Ole Boy network alive and well in our society.
And everyone looks the other way and puts up roadblocks for them…

Peace.

Hey Oxy: If it’s any consolation, I ALWAYS GET IN TROUBLE FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH. I’d rather speak truth than to be wishy washy and make some thing up just to smooth someone’s feathers. Hang in there. What you have been saying is from your heart. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Anyone that can’t handle the truth … I don’t know what planet you’re living on …? This topic that we are all blogging about needs to come out of the darkness and into the LIGHT. Period. It’s out of control out there … and these folks that want to live delusional lives and trash folks, well … it just goes to prove the breakdown of the church and learning, loving, knowing our maker. Period. To all the atheists out there … MAKE ME A FLOWER, MAKE ME A TREE, MAKE IT RAIN, MAKE THE SUN SHINE, MAKE THE MOON GLOW, MAKE THE GRAND CANYONS … THE CLOUDS, THE SKY THE CLOUDS ARE IN …etc. etc. etc. For all those living in their egos … give it a rest already, humble yourself, fall to your knees and pray to God who created you and every thing …

Enough said about all the pompous egos in this world.

Peace.

Oh, and one more thing since I’m on a roll about truth. Why are we so concerned about the egos of the world and their civil and constitutional rights? They certainly don’t care about ours!

Oh, I forgot, it’s about the other idol that everyone seems to worship starts with “$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$” ends with “$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$”.

Peace.

Benzthere: I think what happened is, like most folks blogging on this site, we get bounced from one post to another without having time or even knowing where an original post was written. I don’t think anyone is doing anything “derogatory” towards another hurting soul. I believe the hearts of the people on this site want nothing but the best for everyone … and to get us all to that healing place … where we can go on with our lives … walking this path with everyone … all with smiles on our faces and peace in our hearts and souls.

Wini,

I think everyone here has the best intentions, no doubt. And from my own past recent experience I learned that when conflict occurs, we should consider it, shed some light on it. I’d hope no one here should again feel they have to leave and no one should be afraid to be honest. Most people can’t be honest if they think they’re going to be attacked.

Everyone makes mistakes, and they will on here because I think targets of this behavior draw strong personalities not weak ones even though hurting right now. But it shouldn’t be about taking sides, making jabs, pointing out the jabs, or even right or wrong, but about can it be better and being open to looking. Life isn’t always smiles, not even (as we’ve seen) here on LF, and that’s OK, or it should be. Life is about acceptance and compromise. But certainly getting to peace in our hearts and souls is welcome. I think that’s called growth and it should be available to everyone without chasing anyone away.

Benz

i feel like my life is never going to change. im going to this young women, who has no friends, no life and be lonley forever. i feel like im always going to be dealin with this relationship. even though my life is better then it was with him, will i ever stop thinking about him? will i ever stop wondering if he is going to try and contact me? will i ever be free to me without he running thru my mind?. i just feel like im always going to be in this break up state, and never rebuild my life. it makes me sad

Blondie,

It will get better. Healing from a predator takes a lot of time, more so than what you consider a ‘normal’ relationship. With ‘normal’ relationships, we get closure. Even if we each realized it just wasn’t going to work, or the genuine love was no longer present, we can each go our serarate ways and hopefully not harbor resentment and extended emotional pain.

With PDIs we are left wondering, what happened here? Was it me or him? Well, we know the truth of that, dont we?

I think right now you’re in the ruminating stage, being bombarded with not only your Xs deception regarding cheating with other women, but also the initial honeymoon stage where he seemed like such a wonderful guy. I can honestly say that this will pass. I was so depressed when I ended it with my X Music Man that I either slept too much or suffered insomnia for about two weeks. I hardly ate and cried constantly. I just haunted my house wearing the same ole comfy bathrobe day after day.

That depression I felt was part of the natural healing process when grieving. When a relationship ends where you genuinely loved the other person who feel as if you are in mourning. Ten fold when recovering from the predation of a PDI.

Be good to yourself, hon, and realize that you aren’t alone in this struggle.

Lilygirl, I miss you….

‘come back little sheba, come back!’

And I’m sure others here miss you also, such as New world view, Free, etc…

I’ll be thinking ’bout you, sending you and your wonderful little boy positive energy vibes and prayers across the country….:)

blondie,

Sometimes I get people’s stories confused, but I’m thinking you’ve been NC for just a short time.

If so, everything is still so raw. It is brutal. I can barely stand to think of the early days, weeks and even months after my S moved out. At the time, I had had just 2 and a half months of starting to see the truth about him after 18 years of being together and believing he was my soul-mate and very best friend.

For a long time after he left I could think of nothing but him. The only thing that kept me even part-way sane during those days is this website. Every night I would take my laptop to bed and read so I could see the evil he was and be distracted from my pain.

It’s now been just over a year since he left, and even though I am still grieving and even though my life is not what I thought it would be, I recognize I have come a long way.

I still think of him a lot. But far less than I used to. I have big chunks of time now where I think about something or somebody else. I sometimes even laugh! And I know the time will come when I go a full day without thinking about him, and then a week, and then a month, until rare fleeting thoughts will be all that remains.

I have been seeing a therapist who, with imagery and meditative techniques, has had me work on letting him go. Releasing him. Recently I realized I did not want to do that. I was not ready to. If I let him go I would lose my last connection to him, which made me sad to ponder, I loved him so much.

But finally I did, I let him go, at least most of him. I pictured him a big ugly helium balloon that I cut the cord to and he floated off into space. Far, far away so he could no longer contaminate the universe. I cried to see him go, I’m crying now to think of it.

And it makes me sad to think of life without him. My youngest child goes off to college–1,000 miles away–next month and that is reviving the pain. Ripping the scab off. One loss accentuating the other. My daughter’s–OUR daughter’s–leaving was going to be hard for me anyway, empty nest and all, but now I will be completely alone–for the first time in my life except for a few months when I was 19–and I still don’t know how I’m going to do that. At least now I know that somehow I will.

The void was–and still is–enormous. I’ve had to make new connections. I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone, that’s for sure, but now have more friends and people I can just pick up the phone and call than ever before in my life. Things are starting to shift.

A couple of weeks ago I had a revelation–I guess I was ready. Up until then it had seemed as if I could not stop thinking about my S whenever thoughts of him entered my mind. I thought I had to wait passively until thoughts of him left, until I healed enough to think more about other things.

It was as if I had no control over my own thoughts. And while this may sound elementary to others, I suddenly realized that I CAN change my thoughts. What happened was my S–who I never ever thought I would divorce–and I had both signed our settlement agreement. With that, the finality looming, I felt that terrible pain again. I started thinking about him and his new girlfriend again. I started to feel jealous. I thought about him touching her and kissing her and coming home to her and I was hurting more and more.

Suddenly I told myself: No! He is a bad man, he is a sociopath, I am well rid of him, she is not lucky, she is to be pitied, I’m glad he is gone. And I felt a little better. It changed the direction of my thinking. And then I did something, I don’t know what, probably some menial task, to take my mind off him and ever since, whenever I find myself slipping into that pit, I may allow myself a couple of minutes to wallow, but then I tell myself: No! and say thank you God for getting this man out of my life.

i need to make new connections and step out of my comfort zone, but im not ready. some days im so happy he is gone, but some days im still sad. i know he is a sociopath, he is not a good person, he is evil, a fraud, a cheater, a liar, a criminal. i think about all the things he did to me and all the things he says about me, like the fact that he broke up with me, like he didt do anything wrong. he doest want anyone to know what he did wrong. all of those things remind me of how i never want to go back to him or have that type of person in my life!

Gillian, I am hurting so badly I can’t stand it sometimes but determination is something I do have and I pray to God he gives me the strength to never look back at this person. He is evil, just pure dark, black evil and I want to hate him.

sassy sarah I was with my x (P) 3 years. It was a nitemare of emotions. Please read everything you can here. And two books that I ordered online saved my life. (Learning from Madness) and ( From Tears to Healing) by Richard Skerritt. I wont go into detail but I thought I was crazy. His deception and manipulation made me lose my identity, he would leave and then beg to come back. On and on. Your story is so familiar to me. I have been in NC for over 3 months. I am finding myself again. My sanity is back because of this website and my self-education about people with personality disorder’s. I know that I am going to recover from this, but it is a slow recovery. As a dear blogger wrote, you can’t go around the pain, or over it or under it, you have to go through it. Sarah you will be ok I promise. But please realize that there is no going back in any way. No friendship, no enmity, there can be nothing at all. No contact is our only salvation.

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